I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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507 Comments
Pastor’s kids are not hired by the church, therefore you should not treat them as employees or expect them to do more than any other church member. When they are at an event they are not there to babysit kids or lend counsel to others, even if they enjoy hanging out with them it should be their choice. Sometimes they just need to be out of the spotlight and be kids.
You should honor Pastor’s kids. Very few other vocations require as much sacrifice and inconvenience from the employee’s children. When you honor them with a gift and let you know you appreciate them, it gives them value. Honor their birthdays and on Pastor Appreciation, Christmas, etc, have a giftcard or honorarium, even if it is small, to let the kids know you appreciate them sharing their parents with the church. A little appreciation goes a long way!
I’m not sure it has been suggested yet, but it would be nice if members realize the church building is not necessarily a place of reverence for a pk. It’s more like a second home. We’re there waiting during long counseling sessions, during the work week, and just about any other time. We keep ourselves occupied. Also, it isn’t our job to be THE example for all other kids. If other kids are playing tag on the church lawn, we just might join in. 😉
I would add “let my children explore their spiritual options instead of committing them to my faith from birth.”
I would add mom’s to the equation too… Because some pastors are moms.
My pastor’s children are in my youth group. I love them and think they are awesome, just as I love all the others. And I know they see and hear a lot and worry about things that probably no other teen in our group worries about. As with all kids and teens, we just have to remind ourselves that they are just that.
As I read through some of the comments on this thread I am reminded how far off track many church goers become. Church is about believers coming together to worship Christ and to reach out to the lost and broken.
I am the daughter of a pastor, I am the granddaughter of a pastor. My mother is the Youth minister, my grandmother teaches Sunday school and sings in the choir. My uncles are deacons. My cousins (and myself) lead worship, teach classes, head up children’s programs and serve in so many areas it’s hard to keep track of them all. We all live in different parts of three states but we all, by the Grace of God, grew into god fearing and God loving individuals. I say that because I know first hand what it is like to grow up where your every move is watched and scrutinized and where you know that one single slip of what some consider bad behavior causes not only you to be given some lecture by some insane card carrying member of the holy roller society but also your father was going to get more than the third degree. I, honestly, was not a bad child nor was I any worse off than the normal teenager. I didn’t party with the deacons kids, as some people seem to think all preachers kids do. I never had sex in the supply closet (yes, I have actually heard people say that about their PK’s- repulsive). I wasn’t the one who painted the neighborhood horse statue like a zebra (I was only 12 and had no means of driving there and yet the PK was blamed – really!?). I was a normal teenager who came home 5 minutes past curfew on a few occasions and who wrecked my car my 11th grade year because I over corrected for a pot hole… People of the church have to remember a preachers kid is nothing more than a kid. Yes reverence should be taught to all children when it comes to the Lords house but you also must remember that mistakes are made. Children get tired and bored and trip and fall while pretending to fly with angels. PK’s are children they are not different from other children. Preachers do not sit at home, contrary to the belief of others, and drill their children about church etiquette so that sister complaining Claire doesn’t get upset on Sunday morning after service because you fell down in the foyer.
I went to School with a PK who turned agnostic because of the crap church members delt him and his family- he says if there is a god why would he have his followers treat his so called appointed one and his family so poorly? And I must admit… He has a point. That’s not how God intends us to be. Our god is a loving God. We should be a loving people also!
All believers need to remember that we are believers with a mission- To go and spread the good news of Jesus. Who would want to come to your church or listen to what you have to say if you judge every child and expect them to act as adults!? Just a bit of food for thought… Marinate on that!
Love your comment Stephanie, very wise! Thank you, we sometimes need a reminder of how God wants us to behave, especially towards all children.
Growing up as a PK/MK myself, I would definitely add the following:
Please Don’t Accuse Pastors’ Kids and Missionary Kids of Being a Distraction From the Work of God. Don’t put them down as being “in the way” of the ministry. Don’t push them to the sidelines. And, for the love of God, don’t put them in boarding schools to get rid of them so you can fulfill what you think is God’s calling on your life! Your kids ARE God’s calling on your life! So, if you work for a church or a mission board, recognize that it’s the family unit–the being of a father and a mother and a family–that puts you in direct contact with the very people you’re trying to reach with the love of Christ. Your children are your bridge to the world.
I’m a PK about to finish college, I have 4 siblings still living at home. It can be REALLY hard living life as a PK. The glass house is SOOOOO true! I found that I was “supposed” to fit into two different stereotypes 1) the perfect mini-adult, or 2) the rebel heathen. To make my situation even more tricky, my family homeschools! So we were looked at even MORE closely and held to even more ridiculous standards that we were either really smart or really dumb. It is absolutely exhausting as a kid and teenager trying to figure out which mold you are going to fit in and trying to figure out why you can’t be just a kid. If any church members are reading this, please realize that we are just kids, we need to be encouraged in living life as Christians, don’t tell us about the awful PKs tell us how we can grow to be wonderful people of the church. If it wasn’t for some sweet ladies taking me under their wing and investing in my spiritual and emotional life, treating me as an individual I can’t say where I’d be today.
Amen to that Rachel! Good comment!
I grew up a Youth Pastor’s Kid; my dad wrote the book on youth ministry… no seriously, he wrote a book. There’s a completely different dynamic when it comes to Youth Pastors’ Kids (YPKs, I guess?) because the Seventh point on this list is different. It’s not “Dad gave more attention to CHURCH MEMBERS than his own children” Instead, it’s “Dad gave more attention to OTHER PEOPLES’ KIDS than to his own children.” My testimony of this is more real than I care to share on this thread, but understand that this list is surprisingly accurate. My two sisters and I have carried this burden for a long time; I am still seeking help and healing for a lot that has happened to me simply because of my father’s calling. Thankfully and prayerfully, however, there has been a lot of healing in my family from all that being in ministry has done to us. My story is not even a horror story of the ministry; tough – yes, scarring – yes. Am I wounded? Cripplingly so. I’m 19-years-old and it is only by the grace of God that I have chosen the ministry for myself and am currently on the path to becoming a pastor and missionary, knowing what it might do to my future children. It is no good to whine and moan about what ministry has done to PKs over the generations; it happened, start healing and, for God’s sake, move forward. “The ministry” is not the focus of our lives, Christ is the very center; I might suggest taking some time to move your gaze from the ministry to Christ. Simple and cliché? Absolutely, but necessary for the renewal of your mind.
P.S. I recommend three books: “The Wounded Healer” by Henri J Nouwen, “Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning, and “Leading with a Limp” by Dan Allender.
I grew up a Youth Pastor’s Kid; my dad wrote the book on youth ministry… no seriously, he wrote a book. There’s a completely different dynamic when it comes to Youth Pastors’ Kids (YPKs, I guess?) because the Seventh point on this list is different. It’s not “Dad gave more attention to CHURCH MEMBERS than his own children” Instead, it’s “Dad gave more attention to OTHER PEOPLES’ KIDS than to his own children.” My testimony of this is more real than I care to share on this thread, but understand that this list is surprisingly accurate. My two sisters and I have carried this burden for a long time; I am still seeking help and healing for a lot that has happened to me simply because of my father’s calling. Thankfully and prayerfully, however, there has been a lot of healing in my family from all that being in ministry has done to us. My story is not even a horror story of the ministry; tough – yes, scarring – yes. Am I wounded? Cripplingly so. I’m 19-years-old and it is only by the grace of God that I have chosen the ministry for myself and am currently on the path to becoming a pastor and missionary, knowing what it might do to my future children. It is no good to whine and moan about what ministry has done to PKs over the generations; it happened, start healing and, for God’s sake, move forward. “The ministry” is not the focus of our lives, Christ is the very center; I might suggest taking some time to move your gaze from the ministry to Christ. Simply and cliché? Absolutely, but necessary for the renewal of your mind.
P.S. I recommend three books: “The Wounded Healer” by Henri J Nouwen, “Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning, and “Leading with a Limp” by Dan Allender.
Being a pastors daughter I would love to remind people that my father was called to the ministry not me as a toddler. I am blessed to have grown up in church and have become a teacher having taught Sunday school in church. I become frustrated when I read comments about pastors kids being bad. You might be interested to know that every Sunday and Wed. evening I spent hours at church both before, during and afterward. That is a long time at church. It becomes home and you become comfortable in your home. So when you see a tantrum from a PK, take time to think; how long has that child been at church today? I certainly lived in a glass house, and people felt free to hurl stones. I wasn’t a trouble maker, but everyone was looking for me to screw up. One other thing, being a pastor is a 24/7 job. I don’t think there was ever a dinner at my house where the phone didn’t ring wanting to talk to my dad. People should recognize this a be respectful of what little “family time” we got. As an adult I hated people introducing me as the pastors daughter. You are treated differently.
Fair enough Julie, you make a lot of sense, that is why we shouldn’t assume but instead get involved in a positive way & help out when needed.
The Seventh one hit me… Its you job FIRST to take care of your children. God gave you children for a reason, to be their father. You are simply called to be a husband, and a father, then the church, and God above all.
As a child of pastor parents and now pastor and mother to two children, I agree with all those comments made above. There was nothing more embarrassing than having my father call me out from the pulpit because I was writing notes or falling asleep. Now, I realize he really had no choice because no one else was doing it from the pews. My husband and I, like my parents before me, are both ordained ministers. During services, as much as I wish it wasn’t so, I am on duty. I am running sound systems, leading songs, reading scripture, preaching as a team with my husband and being the mother my children need sitting with them is not an option. So, they whisper to each other, lay on the pews, maybe every once in a while even climb under them. But let’s be honest… “Church” behavior is learned, taught. I’m not there to teach them. Neither is my husband. And no one else steps up to help us in this area. As a result, we gear the comments about the preachers kids. And it is frustrating. I would love to sit in the congregation during services with my children and guide them through as other members can, but other things are expected and required of me by the members. So my message would be this: if you notice issues during services or activities involving the pastors children and they are unable to address them or handle them, help. Sit next to that child during a service. Show them how to find the Bible verse or song in the song book. Help. Instead of criticizing, think of whether or not this is an area you can help teach or mentor and then do it.