I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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507 Comments
I would like to follow up on Jon’s post, who spoke about making sure to dismiss the pastor with the children who were super unruly. And yes I understand the scriptural reference and accept it.
What I would like to hear along with it: the countless times you prayed for the child that was so unruly. The times you wept and prayed with the parents before the pastor’s resignation.
Making sure that there was nothing medically or mentally wrong here.
I’m the (female) worship leader at my church. mother of 4 beautiful children! An 8 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old twins. It bothers me when people expect us to be at every single church event. Especially things after church. We get up at 4:30am on Sundays. My husband and I get ready and get the car packed with our gear. Then we make breakfast for everyone. We cannot afford to eat a cheaply fast food breakfast. Then there is the task of actually getting them to eat it without getting horribly messy so we can dress them. Then somehow get them into the car without waking our neighbors. Our kids are kept in a small Sunday school room watched by unpaid volunteers during our rehearsal. Then, our children get split up for normal classes. My oldest has to sit in church with a friend or other family because we are on stage. After church is over, we have to pack up all our gear and then rush to pick up our kids so the volunteer workers can go home. By this time, it’s after 12. My kids are fussy, hungry and want to go home. But we are usually the last ones there so we need to lock up. We go home (hopefully without having to pull over to correct anyone’s behavior) and then try to give the kids their lunch and in to bed for nap time around 2pm or so. We are exhausted the rest of the day. If we wanted to go to another church event, we would have to find a volunteer to watch our kids since we can only afford a sitter to watch them when we work during the week . If we decided to take them with us, we would have to keep an eye on then the whole time which does not leave much room for us to socialize or have fun and build friendships with others. So most of the time, we choose to stay home. I wish people would understand that it takes a lot of time just to get our kids to church in the first place. I wish people wouldn’t think we don’t like going to extra events or we don’t care about others because were not there to help. Ya know?
I read this post with a bit of a skeptical heart. I think some of these Pastors and Families might have taken on a hardened heart. This is NOT the norm. I’ve been a member of a church for over 25 years, from the pre-teen years to now a parent to pre-teen children. I can tell you with all honesty that this post was NOT what was thought by the Leadership of that church. They, on several occasions took the total opposite stand point. Their children were above all the other children, they had the right to place their children’s wants (in a service) above others, ie: their child wants to sing (but has no talent) and other child has talent but isn’t allowed to be used.
Also, don’t expect members not to talk about the Pastor, but the Pastor and the entire Family can discuss at great length the faults and annoyances of members, and allow their children to disrespect members due to knowing that the Pastor is annoyed with them! There was times when the Pastor’s children did the most outlandish things, but the Pastor would stand on the platform and accuse others of the deed! I’m sorry but you can’t expect churches to flourish when these types of mentalities are in practice.
Try very hard not to adapt a huge double standard! If you expect something of your members, then it HAS to be followed through in your Family! If a member DOES present something to you, do NOT immediately dismiss it, and accuse them of targeting your Family! No, your children are NOT perfect, and so in turn do NOT think they are when presented with an issue!
The “well, not my kids” attitude that Pastor take has ruined a many Holy Ghost Filled Pillars! Members will want to love you and your Family when you show them you are HUMAN, and are willing to admit that there are ways we can all help each other! And IF a issues arises do not assume that you are being unjustly attack! IT might be a member wishes to really help in the situation, but when meet with such walls, it’s hard to be of any help! And remember, just as you feel when a member presses you about your children, and the issues they might have with them, and you feel the protector spirit coming on, in turn, members are going to feel the SAME way when it comes to their children! When one of your children deliberately offends a member’s family it is only fair to assume they will react the same! Fair’s Fair! Don’t expect to be treated any different then any other family in the church, and it will go very well for everyone!
With all due respect- you have no basis for this opinion. I reject completely the notion that as a life long church member you have any idea what the pastor’s family goes through or any insight into this matter. You need to humble yourself and simply learn. The pastor and their family do not belong to you. They do not work for you. They are not your hired help. And believe it or not, they don’t sit around talking about you and your families. They have actual lives and interests.
Wow, back up there! Your attack on me is exactly way I and many others come to this conclusion. I was simply trying to get others to see why some people might have hung ups when it comes to PKs. I know our pastor does not “belong” to members, but he does “belong” to the Body as a whole, if he and his family are self serving and are only out for their own personal gain, then they are not serving the church like the Bible states! They need to be basing everything they do on Bible, just as they preach that we should! What’s good for the good is good for the gander! I will not be attack in this manner again, the person that needs humbling might be you, Sis. Heidi! I pray you see that I was no t being rebellious and only trying to help others see where some of the issues might be coming from!
As a PK my sister and I grew up with differing opinions on our childhoods. My sister hated being a PK, I loved it. She walked away from the Lord (thank God she has come back now), I became a Pastor myself. I believe that Pastors need to know their children for who they are as individuals and love and teach them in the ways they each need. I feel that if you are a PK then God has called you into a life of ministry for at least the first 18yrs of your life. It doesn’t mean you have to be perfect – what Pastor is perfect – or that people in the church have the right to treat you differently. But the fact remains that they will treat you differently, just like the President’s kids get treated differently. It doesn’t make it right, but how we teach our kids to deal with it will make all the difference in the world. We don’t need to teach our children to be perfect, we need to teach them to be like Jesus! To react to people with love, patience, and compassion. To try their best and know that God loves them for who they are and what they will become through Him. That God knew exactly what life their parents were called to and that He chose them to be a PK.
We as adults in the church need to remember that children are the future of the church PK or not. If church is a miserable place to be full of grumpy adults, why would our children want to be part of that as young adults? Church should be a wonderful loving safe place for our children where the learn and grow in their own relationship with God. Part of our teaching should include proper behavior in God’s house but, should not exceed what the child’s age is able to handle and certainly should never shame a child. My husband is a pastor and we both think hearing children in the church is music to our ears!!
Two things I would add, invest time in your pastor’s children even though they have no bearing on your position in the church. There are times when the church is willing to invest in the pastors and their children get neglected. Let them know that they are valued and appreciated for the sacrifices they make for the good of the church. Also, never assume that because their parents have been called to be pastors, that it is their calling as well. Sometimes it is, but many times it is not. Encourage them to grow and flourish in the gifts that God has given them.
I would add, that members not compare their kids with the pastor’s. Navigating childhood social norms is hard enough to add expectations from other parents. I heard a lot, “Why can’t you be more like tiffany. Yes, it’s hard to carry expectations of adults, harder to be the target of resentment of other kids.
And, a thought regarding an earlier post about all kids respecting the house of God and not disrupting church… and not just PK’s being held to this standard. I believe the church could benefit from more disruptions and learning to listen to the young. They are smart and resilient. We could learn a lot from children. We need to be more childlike, play, be emotional, vulnerable, speak the truth instead of holding it all together with a smile on face.
Church people should also understand that they have no “rights” to the pastor or his family. It seems that people often expect more from this family than from their own. They expect their pastor to drop their family time, their day off, to go over and pray for their cold (just a little example). We have to remember that we are called to first be priests of our home, and I say all of the time that if thousands of people receive Christ under a ministry that I’m a part of, but I lose my children to the world them I have failed.
I agree with this wholeheartedly! I am a pastor’s wife of 25 years. People over the years have expected everything out of my husband, and a lot of the time, out of me too. Many people feel like they can just pop in anytime…they expect the house to be spotless. We have three kids and a spotless house has not always been my top priority. And sometimes folks don’t mind commenting on how the last pastor was and how tidy his family was, etc . But this is another whole topic I could go on about. Haha!!
I guess my biggest disappointment is when church members feel it is their responsibility to correct our children or fuss at them, instead of coming to my husband or me and letting us discipline our children. That is our responsibility. And not only does it anger me, but it hurts me for my children. And I also agree with the ones who have already stated that our children are held to a higher standard than other kids. We work very hard to teach our children manners and how to act in church. It is so nice when people notice their good manners or behavior and mention THAT to us or to our children. The church should be a comfortable, accepting place where we are building each other up, not tearing each other down.
I need to add that our children are older now: 20, 15 and 12. We have made it, for the most part, unscathed by ugly in the church. But unfortunately the hurtful words are the ones that come to mind, usually more often than the nice ones. My advice to anyone who will listen: love those kids!! Build them up. And let their parents do the disciplining. Thank you for the opportunity to speak my heart.
I think we need to follow the bible, things should be done decently and in order. Children are children, rather they are the pastor’s children, deacon’s children, or a laymen’s child. Sometimes I have seen children doing things in the church that parents wouldn’t allow at home. Children should be taught how to behave in the house of God. I disagree with a child running in the church (any age). They may run into an elderly person and hurt them. I think so parents are afraid to discipline their children at church. My children were taught to respect the House of God, it is a house of Prayer. I am not a pastors wife, or anyone with a title in the church. I just felt that God’s house needs to be respected. Children won’t know this unless they are taught. Mom and Dad that is your responsiblility. A child runing around durning a service is a definite no no.
“Don’t think that PK’s don’t understand struggle with sin.”
I’m a PK and I recently heard the testimony of one of the ladies in my church who her and her husband were alcoholics before coming to know the Lord. I expressed to her how much it moved me and blessed me. She responded with a “I know you can’t fully understand because you grew up in church and your family didn’t struggle like ours but I’m glad it spoke to you.” I was so taken back by the fact that she thought me and my siblings lived in a bubble of sinlessness. If she only knew how closely aligned our battles were to hers she’d be floored!
I am currently writing a book to aid pastors n leaders n also let PK’s know someone understands. I have been a PK my whole life n it wrecked me. I have questioned who am I to write this but there is no books out there for the subject matter I’m writing. I am very far along in writing but a long way from getting any help publishing. But this blog has inspired me to press in.
Bless you Bekah.