I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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507 Comments
Just because they are your preacher’s children DOES NOT make you one of their parents. Yes, it takes a village to raise a child, but growing up I had more than one holier-than-thou grab my arm and tell me I know better (than whatever I was doing) and Jesus was disappointed in me. You know the kind of complex that gives a child? Always being watched… ALWAYS displeasing Jesus… Really? For coloring during church? I wasn’t torchering small animals or anything. When I got my tounge pierce (as a rebellion of course) one woman told me it was going to send me straight to hell. Well, thanks woman who is not my God or my judge. I felt like Everything I did was going to send me to hell apparently, so I developed a ‘what does it matter anyway’ type attitude. Be encouraging people. ALL children/teenagers are going to make stupid mistakes- I mean, their brains aren’t fully developed yet, and all those hormones, hello! And above all else, GET THE LOG OUT OF YOUR OWN EYE FIRST. Remember what it was like to grow up. Nobody is perfect- in ANY stage of life, not even your pastor (gasp!!!). Talk to the parents in private if you have a true concern. Thankfully, God is forgiving (and hopefully won’t send me to hell for the tiny hole in my tounge).
Growing up as a “PK” my whole life, and now working at a church with my husband in a volunteer pastoral position, my eyes are FULLY opened to the sometimes ridiculous expectations that a handful of people will always put on you or your children. I wish church people could really understand that pastor’s kids don’t have to be involved in everything at church. Sometimes they choose to be in school activities, sports, and social clubs that keep them from being at every extra church event, and church people should absolutely NOT get offended by this. If I have to choose between my one of my boys ball games, or a ladies luncheon, I absolutely will choose my boys event. Aren’t they my first and primary ministry?
Both as a pastor’s kid and as a pastor with (5) kids; THANK YOU.
I appreciate this post. We have 2 children that are now raised in a PK friendly environment. I’m amazed at how gracious and kind church folk can actually be. We were coming from another church that had a 6 day work week with office hours until 6PM–sometimes a PK’s “struggle” within the church can start from the head down.. grateful for an opportunity to watch my family grow and function in a healthy manner.
People do expect more out of PK than they so the SK (saints kids) but we use to say that we played with the SK is why we did what we did.. We learned from SK…. Let your children be children. But do teach them to respect the house of God. There is a time and place for all things…God Bless You
Please respect THEIR time with their father. Do not expect him to ‘drop’ them so he can hear about your latest vision, ailment, or complaint you “need” to share. My husband and I had friday nights as our sacred family nights and he told our people that, “unless you are dying, please do NOT interrupt our family night.” Some people would get offended if we didn’t show up at their aunt’s (first removed) hospital bed when she had minor surgery…but, they got over it. My girls and I valued those nights.
I am 31 years old and have been a “pk” my whole life. I must say I’m glad someone finally stood up with a written “do not touch” (so to speak) sign. My father always taught
the measure you are measuring someone else with, will be used to measure you. Some got it …. others just kept on measuring. I really just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to put this together and #6 is a biggie in my eyes. Why some people thought we were hard of hearing always baffled my (sarcastically speaking). I remember being a teenager close to leaving the church because I felt like I was hurting my father more then helping because the people were never satisfied with my behavior. But my father would remind me an my 4 other siblings that we are not serving man but a merciful, loving God. And I walked through my darkest valleys with those words. Haha there’even s a whole bashing website where cowards would be able to use a private alias and could comment about my father and other Pastors creating horrific rumors and speaking very hurtful words about all my family, getting past that took many years and even caused one of my siblings to leave the church, but through all this God is good. Thx again!!!
We pastored years ago a very small church after the Pastor passed away. Our 2 daughters were constantly questioned by elder members, asking if their dad smoked one lady even went as far as to grab our youngest daughter and smell her hair and tell her she smelled smoke. Our daughter looked at her and said My dad doesn’t smoke but it ain’t your business anyway, but we go to my grandmothers on sundays for dinner and I have uncles that smoke. Our daughters got their ears pierced and they didn’t want that we were young pastors so my husband did ask the girls not to wear their earrings to church. Our oldest daughter got an after school job one of the elder lady’s said she should not be allowed to miss church for that. We asked her why the grandson that she was raising and living with her didn’t have to come to church then…She said I can’t make him he’s my grandchild. I looked at her and said DOESN’T HE LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE?
People can truly be cruel when it comes to Preachers kids. I was a preachers kid also growing up and it seemed like we were also held to a higher degree than others.
All good thoughts here, how about a list for the pastor’s wife and also for the pastor’s family such as a brother, sister, etc. My brother has had thrown at him “You’re his brother can’t you talk to him.
I grew up in a Pastor’s home. My sister and I definitely felt the affects of the “glass house” but my parents were very balanced and did their best to protect us and train us up to love the ministry. I married a man that felt called to the ministry and we now are raising two daughters in a minister’s home.
My feeling is that the congregation should do all that they can to support the entire pastor’s family in love and prayer.Our kids are normal kids, living an abnormal life. They need extra love and extra support.
Great discussion, by the way!
When I was in seminary, we got the unique opportunity to hear from a pastor’s wife. She said when she and her husband entered pastoral ministry, she felt prepared for dealing with the bad parts of it – being attacked by those they helped the most, gossip, the “glass house” of it all, etc. But she said she was not prepared for how some of the church people treated her children, criticizing them for being just children, saying rude things to them, etc. I’ll never forget what she said.
My seminary president advised us to be open with the church about your priorities as a husband and father, about your day off for spending time with your family. It’s wise.
I think sometimes people expect there to be more like adults because they think the child should fall into the path of the parent like the high priest in the Old Testament, rather than then divi dual call God places on us today. Then they treat them to even higher adult standards. If you show my children love like Christ then maybe it will help them draw closer to Him and obey His call for their lives.