I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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507 Comments
I know a preacher that had a young couple for the youth group of his church. They would take them on trips to have things to do. One trip, the young man asked them to leave their cell phones @ home, if they needed to call anyone, they could use the youth leader’s phone or his wife’s. Well of course the pastor’s kids decided they were privileged so they could bring theirs. When they got back from the trip, the young man spoke to the pastor about it. Nothing was done. Needless to say, they lost a very good youth leader.
I am not a pastor or a pastor’s wife and I admire both the man who is called and chooses to follow that calling and the wife that follows the leadership of her husband as he follows God. I have always supported and will continue to support my pastor, his wife, and their children. To often, I am ashamed to say, we are too judgemental of pastors, their wives, and their children. I have seen church members’ children behave in ways that are unacceptable but their behavior was winked at or overlooked. On the other hand I have seen pastor’s and deacon’s children get in trouble over really nothing. Why should we accept behavior of one set and condone it and not accept behavior from another. kids are kids period. None should be judged or expected to act a certain way because of a parents’ profession.
I would add, also, to include the Pastor/Assistant Pastor’s kids in activities. Too often people think that just because they are the Preacher’s kids, that they should understand that the other kids should participate more than them. Like, for instance, you have in your 4 and 5 yr old class 4 bus kids, 2 church kids, and one of the Pastor’s kids. You have a game that you want to play with them, and you call on everyone but the Pastor’s kids, because you don’t want the others to feel you called on the Pastor’s kid for who he was……that is not fair to that child. They are still human, and want to be included. I got it as a kid, and I try hard to include all three of my Pastor’s kids in anything I am doing with any of the other kids.
Don’t assume that the PK is a bad kid or trouble maker. I’ve had church visitors, members and even random strangers when they first find out I am a PK ask if I am “One of THOSE kind of PKs.” A visitor even said to me when I was 12 and greeting people in church “You’re the pastor’s daughter? You must be a slut.” I didn’t tell my parents because I felt that the visitor was more important than me. Make sure your PK knows that they are just as important to you as the church and God. Talk to them about people’s positive and negative assumptions and how to handle it when confronted by people like that.
It says not to call them PK (#4) yet writer calls them PK’s in #1,2 ,4, & 7. Kinda hypercritical don’t you think?
This may have been said but… Don’t think or expect that my children a part of the package. That is there is no one for an event, nursery duty, or whatever else that my kids will automatically do it or are expected to do it. Also, realize that thank you and appreciation for all they do goes a long way. Most of the time they are more than willing to serve but it hurts a parent to see through their eyes when it is ok for others to shrug off serving or helping and therefore it falls to my kids ( the pk kids) to carry the load others so freely shrug off. They get burnt out too and they do have other responsabities as well! This mama will fight for her kiddos… ;0)
I think the response of the child to the ministry depends heavily on the home life. I grew up in a pastor’s home. I don’t know if we were blessed with wonderful churches or if my parents were just really good at hiding church problems from us. I never felt like more was expected of me because of my dad or that I had to be perfect all the time. I honestly didn’t know that people in churches had conflicts until I experienced that as an adult. My dad worked really hard at teaching us to love people no matter who they were and to show them Christ through us. He was exactly the same person at home and he was behind the pulpit. He loved my mother and he loved all his children. And because of him, I am trying to teach my children the same things. I know some pastors and their children have had some horrible experiences in churches but I also know some people who blame the church for losing their children to the world. They are your children. Love them. Protect them. Pray for them. Be real.
I am a preachers child and have given a lot of thought to if we should act better than anyone else and the answer I have come up with is yes and no. To start with the yes. We as pastors children should hold our self’s to a much higher stander because our actions can tarnish not only our own testimonies but also the ones of our parents, should the people in the church judge their pastor on their child? No but we are fruit inspectors and if a man can’t raise his own children then why would you trust your family’s spiritual growth to him. The answer no is pretty obvious, all children have an effect on the way you look at their parents for instance, “if you are walking through a store and you see a child screaming their head off kicking their mom or dad yelling I want this or I want that” the first thought that pops into your head is “That young’un is out of control it should have been raised better” or your first thought might be “one minute with my momma could fix that
As an adult who will never return to her Fathers church I would like to add the following.
If you don’t like the sermon or feel convicted, don’t take it out on the children.
We don’t know what was discussed between you and our parents privately. Don’t act like we do and try to argue or explain your point to us.
Do not mistreat or disrespect our family.
Our house is not the community center or a halfway house for you to drop off your “ministries”.
I can’t afford to invite all of you to my wedding and only invited half of you out of respect to my folks. Don’t act like a snot because you didn’t get an invite.
I am a late adopter to this site – but want to share some insight from as an Adult PK (37 years in)… Many of these things have been shared in the comments already but here are my thoughts:
Thoughest things about being a PK were:
#1 – My dad was drastically under paid for the work he did and was rewarded for putting the church above his family. My dad was/is a mega-church pastor (over 9000 attenders) – but our family could barely pay a bill while I was growing up. (thankfully this has changed but that was after 20 some years of service). My teachers/neighbors/friends thought he was ‘famous’ but my mom, siblings, and I always knew we never had as much as the people he served and thought it was our lot in life to have have do to without.
#2 – My mom was expected to work full time hours for the church for FREE — (see #1)!
#3 – My mom struggled to have friends in the church who did not tie their friendship to my dad’s role. At the same time, she was expected to be everyone’s best friend. But when my dad or his team made certain decisions – sometimes my mom lost a friendship, even when she was not involved at all. My mother has, BY FAR had the toughest road in our family because of my dad’s ministry.
Despite all of this – Here are some reasons that all of my siblings still love God (and happen to be lucky enough to still go to my Dad’s church):
#1 – My dad happens to be an amazing teacher/preacher. This is not the case for all PK’s so I consider it an extra gift.
#2 – My parents put their marriage above all other things. That was not always the case – but for the last 20 years it has been. My parents are still together but more importantly – they still adore each other, engage with each other, and have an intimacy that is enviable. This makes them super easy to be around.
#3 – There is no expectation AT ALL that any of us go to my dad’s church. Or any church. EVER.
When I, or my siblings, have attended other churches (or no church) there has NEVER been any judgment about it. Seriously – I mean it – there is NO (passive/aggressive/ridiculous) judgment. This is a BIG ONE PEOPLE! There was a time when I didn’t engage in any church for close to two years – and I never heard one comment about it. NOT ONE. That was tough season for me, but not because I wasn’t going to a church every week. Probably would have been worse if I had a lot of judgment or expectations piled on top of what was already a really painful time in my life. It’s not like my parents were oblivious or didn’t care. I am sure that they spent many sleepless nights interceding for me. But they let me be in that space without outward judgment – and were willing to stand in the mystery that is a life and be ok with me not necessarily doing what they thought was right. I was still invited to their table for after church lunch, given a big glass of wine, and invited back again and again. I respect and admire this about my parents even more now than I did then. That was real faith in action – believing in something bigger than the actual circumstances of my actions. Faith that something that looked impossible in my life could manifest through the grace of God alone. Wow.
If I could tell Pastor’s ONE THING to raise healthy spiritual kids – this would be it:
My parents never demonstrated to us that their spirituality/calling/value/effectiveness/power/vocation had anything to do with our behavior as children.
In fact even if I was, along with all of my siblings, a drug addicted criminal in prison – it WOULD HAVE NO IMPACT AT ALL ON THE EFFICITVENESS OF MY PARENT’S life/ministry/calling/marriage/etc. My dad made that even more clear to me when I was a 15 year old girl, and the PK down the street was being sent to away to hide a teenage pregnancy. Even worse – that poor PK was denounced by her own father from a relatively public pulpit (to the point that the kids in our public school were talking about it). I don’t even remember that pastor’s name anymore – but I will never forget what my dad said to me and my sister that same week. He said, “I hope you don’t make that same mistake. There is a lot of pain and struggle you will spare yourself by not making that mistake. But let me be clear — if you do, your mom and I will be there for you. You will not be shamed publically. You will not be sent away. You will still be loved by us. Because there is nothing you can do to not be loved by us.” Then he added “I want you to make Godly choices. But if you don’t, I’m not going to be the one who is responsible – you will be. So choose wisely” That is Godly parenting. And that one talk worked much more effectively than any of the crazy town purity balls a lot of my friends had to endure.
At the end of the day though – It’s all grace people. And maybe this is why my family is lucky to love each other – want to see each other – and sometimes have a good passionate fight – It’s ALL GRACE.
Thank you so much for your comment.
I have seen many of those points first hand…..especially about the Pastor’s Wife. Somehow she is everyone’s best friend, until someone doesn’t like something the Pastor did, and she becomes their worst enemy. And yes, often Pastors are very underpaid.
Thank you for writing this! I was just given a link to this blog, so I know I’m late commenting. As a minister’s wife, I totally agree with every point. I would add: Please don’t make my teenagers your “go-to” substitute teachers, nursery workers, Sunday School/Bible Study question answerers, etc. They love to serve, and they need to…but not every time. They need to be with their classes/youth group being fed. They may/may not know the answer to a Bible question. They, nor I, the preacher’s wife, are the Bible scholar that their father is. Please don’t harass them in study time by constantly calling on them. Thanks again!!