I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
More from Thom
507 Comments
My children were raised to know they were special not because they were PK’s but because they are GK’s, Gods Kids. Yes they would be watched and judged because of what their father was, but they should behave because of who their (heavenly)Father is. Members of the congregation were respectful and kind to our family. They often shared in our joys we well as in our sorrows. We were real people and did not live life on a pedestal.
This is a terrific list. My sisters and I were pastor’s kids. I agree that it can be very difficult- my sisters and I have had our share of tears. But I also feel that while we should not be judged harshly because of the position of our dad, we serve as a family. I do think in some ways we should have a testimony to others in the church. We are not better than they are, and we are just kids, but in some ways yes- we need to hold to a higher way of living. God gives us the privilege and honor of being pastors kids. I think pastor dads should teach their kids that they’re not better than anyone but that God has given them as a family a unique opportunity and it’s a special gift. I believe 1 Timothy 3:4/5 supports that. Please don’t misunderstand me- I know what it’s like to be in the glass house and I do wish people understood that we are not perfect. But God chose our Dad, and in doing so He chose us. I’m thankful for what I’ve been privileged to experience- all of it.
My daddy celebrated 43 year as Pastor of our church last month. We came to the church as a family of 5 in 1970 and now we are 25 faithfully serving members in that same church. What was the key, you ask? My dad constantly reminded us that we didn’t serve him, we answered to God for our deeds, good and bad and for our faithful or unfaithful service! The congregation was also reminded often that his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren are held to the same standard as they were. We all serve and give account to the same judge, the almighty God. We are all members, standing on level ground before Him and are all held to the same standards. We are blessed every church service we enter the doors of our church to sing and praise and serve together. To God be the glory.
Well said!
Of all the contributions I might suggest I believe this one the deepest. One of the most grievous errors I made early in ministry was allowing (and even desiring) that others constantly refer to me by my title… pastor. I’m not ashamed to be one. Yet that separation often showed itself in how the people I was serving viewed me. Of course then, by extension, there was the same disconnect with how they viewed our kids. As I normalized my own life and my relationships to and with parishioners, I started seeing them extend to our kids the same grace that they themselves were seeking.
Regarding #7, I just candidated with a church that was more concerned about the transition for my teenage kids than my wife and I were (we know our kids and though change is never easy, we were confident that they could move through it). In a congregational Q&A session, I was posed a question that pitted my concern for my kids’ transition against my call to ministry in that church. Though I thought I gave a balanced response, this issue was cited as a significant reason for not being chosen.
Thanks for this very topic being discussed here. I am a young Pastor, but before this time, it is an established fact that Pastor;s children does not normally behaved well. The example of that of Pastor Eli in the Bible. Most of the Pastors’ children usually behalf as if they are not in the same Church that that their father ministers to others and they become useful, obedience, honest, faith, reliable, serious etc children of God. Most of our children live outside the word of God in their behaviours and actions. I want to belief what one person said in his comment that all this is as a result of attacks from demons. May God help us so that the behaviours etc of our children will not bring un timely dead to us.
I agree that children of pastors should not be held to a higher standard. But, please, if a church member comes to you some day to talk about your child’s behavior don’t be defensive because you assume they are doing so because you are a pastor and they expect more of your child. Our former pastor’s son was allowed to bully other children for years because he denied there was a problem.
A couple mentioned earlier not to go easy on the PK just because they are PK. I agree, and would also point to the flip side of that coin: Don’t rat out the PK for stuff other kids get away with all the time. That happened to me, especially by sunday school teachers.
Don’t think you can share heavy topics in front of them, not because they do devotions every day means they have the maturity or street to bear your burden.
And, don’t complain to them about something wrong (or your idea of wrong) regarding the church. They are the pastor’s kid not God and won’t be able to fix it, on the contrary, they can get very discouraged.
I mean, all this experiences have taught my children to pray for those people but is hard to help them get rid of the bad impression they were left with, therefore they feel guilty for not having nice thought about a specific person in the church.
This is such a great writing.
http://therebelution.com/blog/2013/05/pastors-daughter/#.UbgMVJxF3oa
Article above is entitled My Life as Pastor’s Kid. Well written and very transparent.
Had an interesting conversation with my elderly father the other day. He is 81 years old now and a retired pastor. I am 50 years old and one of four “Pastor’s Kids” that grew up in the mission field and lived through (survived) 4 different long term church plantings. My dad was reminiscing about the old days and he suddenly said, very seriously and with a touch of sadness, that maybe it would have been better to never have dragged his wife and 4 little children through all that we had been through over the years of his service. He was not regretting all the good that been done or the service to the Lord. He was saddened by how profoundly each on of his children had been affected negatively by our “church” experiencing. My father and our family were constantly under spiritual attack. This usually came in the form of “Pharisees” that would join the church, rise to positions of authority and attempt to divide the church and supplant the authority of the Pastor using any means available. All of us kids suffered each time the church was torn apart and uprooted. Between the back-stabbing Pharisees and the rigidity of the Foreign Missions Office back home, poor dad was the whipping boy along with his long suffering wife and 4 children. Poor dad, always underpaid and never having a permanent home took a brutal toll on all of us mentally and physically,. As a family, we really gave our all for the ministry and the Lord. All we had as a family was each other and the Lord Jesus that we could truly count on. Times were tough, sometimes even food was scarce, but there were good times too where we found genuine Christian love and charity from loyal, Holy Spirit filled church members. For me, by the time I was 10 years old, the experience had changed me completely and has affected my life even to this day. I thank the Lord Jesus daily for His healing touch and forgiving Spirit to show me the way to live my life without regrets, resentment and anger. This came over time, much prayer and maturity. God’s amazing Grace is my refuge and gives me the freedom to share my faith in Jesus Christ with others in spite of all the hardships suffered as a Pastor’s son. I can now look as this experience as a blessing from the Lord. Amen!