I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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506 Comments
I’m late to reply to this because this has been rolling around in my head for quite some time…at what point DO the actions of PK’s matter. We’d say the actions of an Elder/Deacon/whatever term you want to you would matter. I’ve skipped a lot of the comments here so maybe you have addressed it- but there are all sorts of qualifications that matter for leaders in the church and one seems to be how they run their household. I have a PK (who is actually sleeping in a crib at the moment) so I know this is hard/difficult and I’ve seen a lot of kids who are put under way too much pressure but I’m just wondering when it starts to matter.
I would add “Don’t use/abuse the pastor’s kids as pawns to gain favor or get back at the pastor.” I had things bought for me because people wanted something from my dad and I’ve also seen money support witheld without regard to how the family was going to eat because people had an agenda. That’s a horrible thing to do to kids.
Amen!
The prayer/song “Set this church on fire ” at times is ambiguous to me.
I appreciate some of the comments and would add. If you must choose a side, ALWAYS assume the best of your child and the worst of the church member/attendee. People are often two faced around the pastor. My experience is many church members were mean, passive aggressive, and manipulative. They acted sweet in front of our parents. Don’t get on your kid because they stand up for themselves, each other, or you. Especially if you won’t do it. It only empowers those who are mistreating them to continue to do it and know they have your support as they do it. These actions are counterproductive to building up your family and teach your kids that fair treatment of right and wrong only apply to non relatives/church members/attendees.
I’m thankful for God’s mercy on me for helping me endure. I’m thankful to be born again into a new family who is truthful with me but loves me so much, anyone who even breaths wrong in my direction is in danger of hell on earth. I have the blessed choice to leave pain behind and those that continue to cause it, as well as choose the kind of joy and peace I’d never thought I deserved. I’m actually the one that holds back my dear husband from time to time from bringing swift justice. I relax and know if I’m ever in a position where I can’t handle something, he’s got my back, and can handle it on his own. God loves us even more. my prayer for my siblings is that God would continue to work and fight for them ! Whatever they must do to do to enjoy this life God gave them and to feel His love, Would prosper. I want us all to be healed, and do better with our own kids.
Great little blog. My two sons were teens when I was called to the ministry. I remember when they pulled me aside and said, “Dad, we need to talk.” They did not want to be PK’s. I opened 1 Timothy 3 and asked them to read the qualifications of first a pastor and then a deacon and tell me the differences. I then told them they had been DK’s (deacon’s kids) and that there was little difference between the two offices except maybe a paycheck. Then I asked them what is the difference between a Sunday School teacher’s kids and a deacon’s kids. We worked down to just the plain old Christian parent. Then I said to them, “I am going to teach the church the same thing I just taught you!” As Christians, we all live in a fishbowl that the world looks at. But rather than pick on our own…we should be praying and caring for our own as a witness.
i know what the pastor is trying to say, im a pastors kid myself, but i don’t agree with any of this, why? because so many people get the wrong idea of pastors kid, yes we’re HUMAN but it doesn’t really mean that we make the same mistakes that all the teenagers make, just cause we’re human it doesn’t really mean that we commit the same sin like every other teenager in the world.
i HATE the term “pastor kids are HUMAN just like any other teenager in the world” or “pastor kids aren’t perfect” because then people start thinking that you’re literately just like them and they you make the SAME mistakes they make, and when they hear rumors about pastors kids the first things that people say is “we’ll i believe what im hearing about that pastors kid cause he’s HUMAN and a SINNER just like any other kid” i hate other people think that us TEENAGE pastors kids are just like any other kid. people even treat you different sometimes, cause they say “well he’s a pastors kid he’s not anything special or perfect so im just gonna treat him like any other kid in the world” and its not true, some of us actually try to live a life in Holiness and for live the TRUE GOSPEL, (Hebrews 12:14) GOD BLESS YOU.
I’m a PK, and my kids are PKs. I knew, and my kids know, whether or not church members really care about the preacher & his family as people. Do they get phone calls? Inquiries about their health? Visits when sick? Forgiveness when wrong? Sympathy when suffering? Care for your pastor as a human. His children can tell when you don’t, and it will shape their view of churches forever.
Amen!
Don’t think there is much I could add to the many responses. I have experienced many of these scenarios with my children. They are now 15 and 12 and it’s amazing the stereotypes still continue. Had one person in the community say she didn’t want her daughter spending time with mine because she knows how PK’s can be. My reaction, I went to her and said, have you spent time with my daughter? She is not defined by being a pastor’s child. She is much more than just a pastor’s kid and God has a plan for her life just as He does your child. End of story, her child and mine are best friends now because this parent spent time with my daughter and got to know her apart from church and apart from being a “PK”
Also, a response I haven’t seen…just because you are kind to my children doesn’t mean you will gain some special favor or business meeting vote in the future from myself or my husband. 🙂
I am an adult PK who no longer attends church. There are multiple reasons for this, but one being the way my dad and by extension me and my siblings were treated by the church (several of them). When my dad was asked to leave the church where I grew up, I immediately was cut off from that church, even though it was my only church home and family I knew. So one thing I would tell preachers about their children: unless you are a PK yourself, you will never understand what it is like for your kids. Preachers and their wives who are not PKs themselves experienced something that their kids never will, which is the goodness of the church without the insider knowledge that PKs have. Preachers got to experience the church as they became believers, PKs got to experience the church as an extention of the family business. We grew up behind the veil, you did not. So when your kids grow up please don’t get angry or even disappointed at their relationship with the church. Just understand that you don’t understand
Hey PK, I totally agree. I grew up as a Missionary Kid and a Pastor’s Kid. It’s rough when you have expectations of being perfect. I no longer attend church nor walk with God because of churches and people in churches. I do agree, however, with the 7 things that church members should know. We are people just like everyone else.
This is helpful and right but also pretty one sided.
How many ways do pastors inhibit these things by being unapproachable, promoting themselves as the “expert” Christian/parent or telling stories about their kids that only put them in a positive light?
I didn’t read all the comments so I hope this wasn’t posted already. On a positive note, when a pastor/staff child excels, they should be praised and rewarded. Sometimes pastors hold back from rewarding their kids because they don’t want to be seen as showing favoritism. If your child excels and does well, and there is a reward in place from the church, then don’t hold back. They deserve it and have earned it.
I have glanced through all the comments above and I think it’s only Rob McQueary who has mentioned the one thought that came to my mind as I read this piece – do people tend to treat PKs differently because we, in our churches, have allowed people to have a wrong understanding of who our elders/pastors are? By that I mean – do we encourage an unbiblical idea of pastors themselves living on a higher plane, outside of the experiences and behaviour problems that us ‘lesser mortals’ struggle with on a daily basis? And has this attitude caused pastors themselves to forget that they are members of the family in that local church, called to serve and share, mix and get dirty, and yes, to lead, but to lead as a sinner saved by grace among sinners saved by grace, not as a superior man with a higher status. Don’t get me wrong – we are of course to honour and respect those whom God has called and gifted to teach and preach His word and to oversee a local congregation, but I truly think that some of the problem with the way PKs are treated differently arises from unbiblical ideas we’ve allowed to arise about who pastors themselves are, and it’s then very easy to transfer some of those wrong ideas to our perception of their children too.
Just sayin’
Every blessing,
Adrian
Thanks Adrian. That’s good food for thought.
Thank you for these great thoughts. A pastor friend once told be about his daughter coming to him when she was older and after she had walked away from the church for a time and had experienced many difficulties that it was hard for her when she was growing up to discern between when her dad was being her dad or being her pastor. It created much confusion for her. He then encouraged me to not make the same mistake with my two children and to remember that I was their father first and foremost. I have been very grateful for this advice. Thanks again for these encouraging posts!