I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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507 Comments
Dr. Rainer, having read several more posts in this discussion and your responses to many of them, I wanted to express my gratitude that there are men of your caliber and temperament in the SBC. Having read most of your books over the years (beginning after hearing you speak at a Sunday School week at Ridgecrest nearly 20 years ago), I am happy to see that you remain as passionate as ever for looking at the local church situation as it is and helping the rest of us with the data that we can use to more properly serve on mission.
Thank you so much Jonathan. Your words are humbling to me.
I have been a PK my whole life n it wrecked me. I am currently writing a book to help PK’s know someone understands n help Pastors with advice to help their kids. God called me to do this when I was very young but all these years I questioned why me who am I but there are no books out there like my subject matter so I’m far into the process but froze in the middle of the book bc Satan all out attacked me n my purpose while writing it also made me see our enemy doesn’t want PK’s helped. My heart is for PK’s I feel called to future ministry Simla for that. This blog has inspired me to get back to writing.
Please don’t assume “PK” and “Golden Child” are synonymous. If you see a kid doing something they obviously shouldn’t, stop them, or tell their parent. Don’t think that a PK is pardoned from punishment, this allows getting out of trouble more often then it should. Everyone, does things they shouldn’t, don’t assume PK’s are exempt.
I didn’t read all 200+ comments so I apologize if I’m repeated another’s comment.
Don’t assume that our life’s calling is the same as our father’s (especially when we’re very young). I remember wanting to be a boy scout platoon leader, school class president, 4H team leader but being selected (time after time) to be the chaplain (this started when I was 10!).
For the record, I’m a 45 year old son of a pastor, married to a daughter of a pastor. I would not have traded that strange childhood for anything. 🙂
One thing I think needs to be taken into consideration is the childs age, I have been around Pastors kids of all ages and the one thing I believe would help the teenage children is if the parents explain to them that no higher expectations should ever be placed on them than any other teenager in the church. However, it should also be explained to them that because they are a child of the Pastor does not give them an entitlement to special treatment. Remember people we are the adults if we bicker and do not show proper examples of problem solving how then can we expect our children to or followers of the church to. This was a good topic for discussion, and while I may not agree with each persons insight I respect their individual input. Be blessed my friends and remember train up you child in the ways of the Lord and he/she will not go astray.
Loved this article. As a PK for my entire life, i understand how hard it can be sometimes. It is also very special (or it was to me as I look back) I liked the glass house comment. I have often likened being a PK to a fish in a fishbowl before. Especially to people who didn’t understand that some people put undo pressure on their Pastors Kids just because of who they are. PK’s are regular kids who need to be guided spiritually just as much as the kid next to them. Be Blessed!
As I read these comments, I ponder. I have been raised in church. I am a
Christian and proud of it. Why would one judge a child (thats Gods job). All children a created equal. I does not matter who their parents are. Currently I am attending a small church. The pastors “family” makes up about 1/3 of our church. No matter if we are a part of this family, we all help to guide “all” the children in the church the same way. God bless all the children (even Pk’s). Shame on anyone who singles them out for “anything”. Judge not, less you be judged.
Don’t ask them why their dad preaches the way he does or why he said what he dis in the pulpit. We don’t know!
Don’t think they MUST attend every event, revival, potluck dinner, prayer meeting, etc. They have lives & activities outside of church just like your kids do. Let them be kids. Don’t ask them why their dad preaches the way he does or why he said what he dis in the pulpit. We don’t know!
Don’t think they MUST attend every event, revival, potluck dinner, prayer meeting, etc. They have lives & activities outside of church just like your kids do. Let them be kids.
Don’t think they MUST attend every church revival, event, potluck night, etc. They have lives outside of church just like your kids do.
I jut saw this link on Facebook and read it as well as some of the comments, but not all. I am a current PK and agree with every thing said in the 7. We getted treated differently because our parents our supposed to the role models of the adults as we should be for the kids. We are still kids and humans an make mistakes as well as go through trials and pressure. BUT we also love our parents. That love makes do whatever we have to show that they can lead the church just as He wanted. The Lord have us all free will and I know we all use that even as kids. Whether to cause a ruckus during church or stick out noses on the so because we’re the “preacher’a kids” that free will is why the PK’s get the roughest time. We are forced to hold the standard because it is expected because it is what our parents do. That free will also causes bitterness at having to be different from everyone else. Although it all works out in the end. I have been a PK the majority of my life and dealt with many things and will still. We jut have to make our own decisions on which path to take.