I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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507 Comments
Growing up “in church” was difficult especially at that time we lived on the parsonage and church members were very conservative. There was no privacy at all. There was a very high expectation for us PK’s to behave, talk and even dress up. But I am thankful that I was brought up in that environment. It grounded and rooted me in the word.
I am just so blessed that my Dad is my Pastor! I got the best of both. He dedicated me, baptized me in water, officiated my wedding, dedicated and soon, baptize my kids. And if God wills, officiate my daughters’ wedding.
Pastor’s kids are just like any ordinary kid…blessed!
I’m currently a worship pastor at a church with my pops, and what’s funny to me is that I remember being held to that same standard as you mentioned in the above article, but when I finally came to the realization that I was being called to be an ordained minister (and a traveling Christian rocker ;-), I found that many church folks didn’t want me to work alongside my dad. Many called it nepotism. Wow. I FINALLY did what they wanted me to, but once I was old enough to be that “adult,” I wasn’t allowed (almost) to fulfill what God had called me to and my parents had faithfully raised me to become.
Couple of years later, God set us free from an unhealthy environment, so my dad, my brother and I started a new church where we can live out that call. God is good. It just seems weird (and at the time, really hurt) that once I WANTED the PK moniker, it was “sinful” in others’ eyes. Some folks just can’t be happy. But I know God is…and so are my dad and I. Thanks for this!
I have been a PK since I was 6 months old! I grew up to marry a preacher and our 4 kids are PK’s. The only thing on the list I personally disagreed with (and it’s only personal. Others may feel differently), is to not call them PK’s. I loved being called a PK. I remember being offended when the Promise Keeper movement started because they took my name LOL!! I was a PK first
I actually completed my dissertation on this very topic several years ago. The title was “Stress and quality of life of children of clergy.” I found many of these same stressors to be true in my study. Top stressor for children of clergy included the expectations placed on them by church members, but also on their own families, as well as the pressure living in a “glass house” where they lacked privacy. If you are interested in seeing a copy, feel free to email me at [email protected].
My children, 6, 7, and 9, know what it means to take ownership of their position in the church. They are there much earlier than any other staff or members, often there much later than any staff or members, and there more than two or three services per week. It may not be considered their playground, but it is their second home, and have more access, not because of their title, but because of their ownership. They know their boundaries and limitations. And… Don’t label my children for a Sunday afternoon ‘incident’ that you don’t approve of, because I can assure you, I saw it or heard it and will take care of it as soon as you let me go!
I was not able to read through all of the comments, so if this was said, I apologize. Growing up in the church as a child of a leader in the church, and then later as a Pastor’s kid, I was considered the “golden child” of the church. People viewed me as such a “great kid” and blah, blah, blah. I spent most of my childhood concerned I would make my father look bad if I misbehaved and tried my hardest to live up to others’ expectations. I found that because we lived next door to the church and were at the church (it seemed like) nearly all the time, people became unobservant about the fact that I was around at certain times when they were discussing things, that a child perhaps shouldn’t be allowed to hear. As most people know who have been in the church for any length of time, when it comes to church politics and procedures, Satan has a hayday with using our humanity against us, and sometimes it can get pretty ugly. Please be careful in your conversations to make sure there are not little ears around to hear what is going on. I grew up way too fast with the knowledge of things I should never have known as a child, and therefore was constantly worrying about my parents and other leaders who were close friends of our family.
On another note, alot of what was said in this article can go for the pastor’s wife, as well. Yes, she is an adult and the people of the church will inevitably look up to her (especially the women), that is all part of being a pastor’s wife. However, she should not be put on a pedestal either. We are all only human, and it is only by the blood of Christ that we are adopted into His family. Our position in the church, whether it is the pastor, pastor’s wife, other leader, or janitor, or even just someone who attends the services without serving…we are all saved by the same blood and none of us needs to be put on a pedestal and expected to be better than the next person. As adults, it is our hope that we have matured in our relationship with God to be a better example, but everyone makes mistakes and should not be looked up harsher just because of your status in the church.
Hey they are kids growing up in the real world. Not much different than a senators, or congressman’s kids. We put them in the spotlight and set higher standards for them.
Great to see them just enjoy growing up like we did, and just doing what they want with their life when they become an adult.
I do like the pray for them, they need it since they are judged more than most.
I was the PK of a PK and I raised PK’s and now have GPKs… needless to say I am very familiar with this issue. I would, as a pastor’s wife like to address the other side of the coin. While PKs do live in a glass house and are subject to the opinions of others more than the average kid, we also need to remember there are certain perks that come with being the PK which I won’t take time to list here. Also I, for one, had to really work at helping my children not to feel “entitled”. There were times I had to yank a knot in their proverbial tails because at times they thought because their dad was the pastor it afforded them certain privileges and that they were owed a certain amount of respect from their peers. It is a balancing act that takes grace and wisdom to be able to raise normal, well balance, law abiding young men and women of God. 🙂
I can clearly remember my pastor addressing the congregation in reference to his children. He told the congregation not to expect more of his children than what you would expect from a child who is not a PK. He also said that his children should not be allowed to get away with unruly behavior or be given perks. I think that is so on point and more pastors should share this with their congregation. As an adult I have encountered many adult PK’s and most of them seem to have the attitude of entitlement and I believe that it stems from the entitlement given to them when they were growing up in church.
Well said Lissette, i totally agree with you; it starts @ home!
The problems I faced as a PK weren’t as a child, but as an adult in my mid 30’s. My husband and I were overly involved in my father’s church. After some difficult situations I began to have trouble with x-treme anxiety. There were members if the congregation who accused me of being angry at God, weather than encouraging me they just pushed me down further. My immediate family has since left my fathers church. Things still remain strained between my father and me. So judgment doesn’t end when you become an adult.
My husband is a pastor and there is a great deal of pressure put on the children as well as the wife. We had a long-time pastor mentor tell us many years ago that he always told a prospective church that the church was calling him as the pastor – not his wife and children. The wife and children would be active members and contribute as any other member, but not to expect “more” from them. That has been the best advice for us – as well as prospective churches and congregations.
“4. Don’t Call them PK’s”
Calls them PK’s in Number 5 & 7
Hi,
I would like to ask you to make an alteration to the list. Would you please include Moms as pastors as well? Thank you.
I would also add that PK should not be penalized because they are the pastor’s child. Often they aren’t selected as soloists or winners in teen functions because it wouldn’t seem ‘fair’ if the pastor’s child won or got the accolade. They are sometimes denied their rights to utilize their talents and fully participate as individuals.
Blessings.
Yes, this was one of my big pet peeves as a PK, of people in the Church either being jealous or trying to accuse people of favoritism for any recognition that I duly earned.