I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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507 Comments
Bring them up in the ways of the Lord and they shall never depart from it.
The ways of The Lord are, Love, gentleness, patience. Jesus suffer the little children to come
Unto me, he knew they were children.
If you restrict the m from being children they will rebel.
I was lucky and had great church leaders to guide me when I was a teen, as a child I did not like church
Because the way adults treated children. The last thing I ever wanted to do when I grew up was go to church
Or raise my children in that place where all the old grouchy people were.
Once again I say thank god for the adults that were in my life as a teenager because they changed my thinking.
I have raised my children in a wonderful church and today they are awesome chritian adults.
Ease up on kids PKU or not, they are our church of today and our future.
I am a PK. I have see the very nasty side of church members. My parents were the ones who expected their children to behave like role models and better than most grown ups I know. Once I was old enough to get away from the “church” I did. I almost never attend church. I feel that I went enough in in childhood to average it all out to at lease two services a week for the remainder of my life.
I was a kid. I did not ASK to be born into a pastor’s family and I hated it! I was harassed and bulled daily in 7th grade because one of our church deacons was on the school board and there was a new comer to our area that was teacher and principal and he bullied me and when my mother took it to the school board, the church deacon sided with the persecutor. I will never forget the betrayal I felt. Mostly what people need to know is we did not sign up for this, we have a worse life than you can ever imagine and you need to give us a break! Even the grown PKs. We need a break! Thanks for reading my rant.
I always grew up with the “wild” label, even though I wasn’t. It was just assumed that PK’s would be wild and rebel. That becomes an expectation, and not a good one. In my teens I felt like I got a pass on rebellious sins because it was expected of me. It wasn’t until after that I realized my relationship with God is my own, it makes no difference who my Dad is. Each kid, no matter what his/her dad does, is an individual. His/her own person. Treat your PK’s with grace, and then more grace!
I am a pastors wife and have been for 20 plus years. As the pastors children enter teen years the church people should never assume they are Christians and hold them to that standard. Treat them as Jesus would loving kind and compassionate! They deal with so much and it’s not easy to be a teen and under a microscope! Also if the membership sees a problem with the pastors child they should never take it on themselves to parent those kids they have parents…and if you wouldn’t go inform anyone else within the church of a perceived problem then don’t bother with the pastors kids they are just like any other teen. They may even be unsaved and therefore your unkind rude comments could push them away from Christ!
Im a preacher’s daughter my two sisters my brother grew up in a fundamental Independent Baptist Bible believing background . I can truly say because of the congregation in my dads church I now do not go to church at all. As a Preacher’s Kid it was hard to live up to everybody’s expectations in life. The reputation that a preacher’s kid is always going to rebel and do things that are against their parents are not always true people read into things way too much. When I became of age and actually realize what was right and what was wrong and not what everybody was feeding me all the time I grew up I did exactly what I wanted to do and I have no regrets none. Preacher kids are like regular kids we all have a sin nature we all do things that are wrong we are not perfect.
True Jennifer, but why punish God for people’s misbehavior? He wants us to go to church & worship & develop a close relationship with Him. Find another church, one that makes you feel free to worship without judgement. They are out there; not all churches behave in this way. Also remember, like you said, we are all humans & make mistakes; don’t shelter your kids to the point that they will not know how to deal with life struggles & challenges. And don’t shelter them from God. Remember that we are all sinners & come short of the glory of God! If God was to say the heck with those sinners, i no longer want anything else to do with them, what would be of us? Just a thought, think about it, don’t let the devil use people to steal the joy from you & stop you from developing a strong relationship with God. God bless!
I am a PK. I experienced the pressure of having to be, do, say, respond, and behave in such a way as to not to embarrass my parents. While all children experience this to some degree, living in the glass house of the church seemed to put us on display and added to the pressure of never making a mistake. I vowed never to marry a minster and I didn’t. I think my Dad understood to a degree because, as a 7th grader who was not allowed to go to school dances, Dad went to the school administration with the request of calling the junior high Christmas dance a Christmas Party thus allowing me to attend an important (to a 13 year old) school event like to other children. PKs share their parents with the world like doctors’, school teachers’. and first responders’ kids. That’s okay, it’s the way things are. We all have tough things in our “raising” experience. Your pastor’s children deserve the same love and support that all children need, and please don’t give them special treatment or allow them to get away with things just because of who their parents are. Thanks for this.
“My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. ”
I wish you had said something. Not something sinful or rude, but I wish you’d made it clear to that deacon that his attitude toward your child was unacceptable. Your kids, and your spouse, need to see you defend them from the unrealistic and unBiblical expectations that some church members put on them.
“Dear Christian”
Please stop hating me because of who I am,
I’m not worthless and my life is not a sham.
I am just a man, the same as you,
the only thing different is I don’t have my name on my pew.
I would like to go to church each Sunday, I would like to go to sing and pray.
But, I stay at home to protect my child, from your self righteous and hypocrite ways.
All my life I have been in church,
I have watched you “Christians” treat my preacher dad like a lurch.
I have seen you for what you are,
so I’ll just stay where it’s safe …afar.
You say you are saved and washed by the Lamb,
when in truth your a Con, running a scam.
When the Judgment comes and you stand before God,
in the name of your faith, how many people will you have trod?
I assure you this one thing is true,
being a so called “Christian” no new souls will you accrue.
I have seen a few Christians in my life,
a Christian will not judge me for my strife.
A Christian will not speak ill of me to their family or friends,
a TRUE Christian will love me until the end.
So take this lesson to the grave,
if your a “Christian” you need to get saved.
~Paul Parker ’11
I couldn’t agree more about keeping my kids home to protect them from church. I’d never let those people around mine after all I’ve experienced
I am the son of a preacher man. This glass house that’s been spoken of, has caused so many pastors kids to fall to the wayside. My father told me after I was grown; that he was given some sage advice…never let your church come before your family. My father is a good man and was a great father. All the things I saw caused me to fall out of church for a very long time…I knew too much about what real was. I can spot a fake “Christian,” a mile off. I learned this skill as a defensive mechanism. I wrote this poem…maybe it will make sense to some of you.
My husband is a pastor and we have 2 teenage boys. We pastor a small rural church, our congregation is small and all over the age of 50. The thing that gets me is when something physically needs done at the church (shoveling snow, moving furniture, cleaning up, cutting the grass, etc.) our boys are expected to do it (I have heard people say ‘they have teenagers, they can do it’). Just because they are PK doesn’t mean they are free labor. Don’t get me wrong, they help out and do a lot of these things and more, but if you don’t expect ALL the kids of the church to do this stuff, then don’t expect mine to do it just because they are the pastors kids.
When a church hires the pastor he hires the man not the family. The children DO NOT have to go to EVERY SINGLE activity that happens at the church. The do not have to participate in every play, work day and party that takes place. These kids may not always be interested in that activity, but they may be the next time. Give them room to breath and grow in the Spirit of God not the rituals of church.
PK kids definitely should not be held to a higher standard than any other child in the church, BUT this discussion is missing the most important backing that any talk about things church related should have. The Bible. What does God have to say. In 1Timothy 3:4 it says that the qualifications of a bishop is
“One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity;”
As I understand it if a pastor has unruly children it disqualifies him from that position. If their parents negect to do as Proverbs 22:6 instructs us, it is not a child’s fault. It will simply give them problems later in life.
“Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”