It was not the response to a blog post I expected. Back in June of 2013, I wrote a post speaking on behalf of pastors for their kids. I summarized seven major things pastors wanted you to know about their children. The article had a big response when it was first posted. But, for reasons I have not completely fathomed, the post went viral a few weeks ago. Now almost 200,000 views and hundreds of comments later, we can see a pretty clear picture.
You see, the majority of those who responded were pastors’ kids. So, instead of hearing from pastors about their children, we heard directly from the children themselves. Some were teenagers still living with their parents. Others were adults who grew up as PKs. All of them had pretty strong opinions.
As I read again through the plethora of comments, I developed seven major themes from these PKs. Not all of their comments were negative, but a majority did communicate some level of pain. Here is what they said:
- The glass house is a reality. People are always looking at the PKs. They have trouble saying or doing anything without someone, usually a church member, making a comment. Most of these PKs (and former PKs) felt a great deal of discomfort living in the glass house. Some even expressed bitterness.
- Some church members made a positive and lasting impression on PKs. One of the more frequent positive comments we heard were about the church members who loved and cared for the PKs. Many of them took the children under the wings and made a positive difference in their lives.
- Some church members were jerks to the PKs. Many of the stories are heartbreaking. It is really hard to imagine some of the awful words that were said to the PKs. Some still feel the sting of those words decades later.
- Many PKs resent the interrupted meals and vacations. They felt like their pastor parent put the church before the family. One PK, now an adult, lamented that every vacation his family took was interrupted; and many times the vacation was truncated.
- Some of the PKs have very positive memories when their parents included them in the ministry. I read comments about hospital visits, nursing home visits, and ministry in the community. These PKs absolutely loved doing ministry with mom and dad. They felt like the church ministry was something the whole family did.
- A key cry from the PKs was: “Let me be a regular kid.” A number of the PKs expressed pain from the high expectations placed upon them by both their parents and church members. Others said that some church members expected them to behave badly because that’s just what PKs do.
- Some PKs left the church for good because of their negative experiences. They viewed local congregations as a place for judgmental Christians who are the worst of hypocrites. They have no desire ever to return. You can feel the resentment and pain in their comments. Their hurt is palpable.
On the one hand, I feel badly for the opening of wounds that blog post caused. On the other hand, I am grateful for the forum it allowed for many of the PKs to express themselves.
If you are a PK, do you identify with these comments? How do the rest of you react to their hopes and hurts?
photo credit: Joe Thorn via photopin cc
Posted on January 8, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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170 Comments
I am one of the PK’s that left church and never returned. I occasionally go, but I really saw too much anger and bitterness within the church. That left the biggest and most lasting impression on me. I never abandoned God or Christ, but I really got over the whole church thing.
As a PK and the oldest sibling, I can completely relate. I watched my dad’s third church tear him and subsequently our family apart over a new building project. Years after our family had moved (our 4th move) I was visiting an old church friend who told me “my father was the worst thing that happened to that church”. All that after everything my father (and his family) sacrificed for the church. Because of this, my brother and I will never step foot inside a church again.
In church my father used to say “the church is a hospital”. He’s right. Our church was a magnet for sick, twisted, very unhealthy people.
As a 28 year old man who is now starting his own family, I refuse to subject my children to what I went through.
I was blessed to be able to grow up as a pk. I think a lot of it is people’s perspective. Is the glass house real? Yes! But for any instance where I might have felt wronged or felt short changed by being a pk I have dozens of other instances where being a pk provided some really cool opportunities that would not have come along any other way. Being included in ministry was huge for me. My dad made the ministry fun. I was blessed to grow up with such a great pastor/ dad and also a great church family. I am now back as an associate at the church I grew up in. Wouldn’t trade bejng a pk for anything!
I grew up a PK. And am now a lead minister as well. Here’s a few observations from me, though I am certain this isn’t true across the board:
1) I grew up a PK to the Lead Preacher. From what I experienced, that is a different animal compared to growing up a kid of one of the other staff. I hate saying it that way, it was just true by my experience. We were held at a totally different level than the other staff children. I still get a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about some of the ways we were complained about. Now that I’m the senior preacher at our church, with a pretty big staff, I see it again. My kids are looked at closer than the others. (People have pointed that out to me as well, so it must not just be my observation.)
2) If it wasn’t for my parents being the same at home as they were at church, Christianity would’ve looked really strange to me. To me, this is the biggest factor of why I’m a follower of Jesus today…let alone a preacher.
3) I don’t know how this should be done, but the church needs to be, somehow, educated on how/why it’s difficult to be a PK and the effects they have in their future relationship with Jesus. Just my two cents.
4) I am glad my dad shielded me from as many complaints and criticizers as he could. I knew about some…but he did his best to not let me know about them at the time. I’ve discovered some of them later down the road. But I find myself doing the same now with my children.
Thank you for the wonderful article, Thom. Blessings.
I would agree with what you said about experiences not being the same across the board on your first point. I grew up a PK in a church of 5 pastors and a congregation of 800-900. My dad wasn’t the lead pastor. As it seems with PK’s at any church, we were all close friends, several of them also not being kids of the lead pastor. The spotlight/microscope was on us all exactly the same, and it’s been the same way for PK’s I’ve known from other churches. But I do understand that in certain churches the lead pastors kids could be more in the spotlight.
I fully agree on your other points… especially 3! So often I have thought about that. I don’t know how it could/should be done… but it needs to be done!
I was a PK and for the most part I enjoyed having the people in the church watch me grow up. Most of them were kind although there were a very few that were watching to see me and my siblings fail. But the one thing that I’ve realized since becoming an adult is that I didn’t have a pastor growing up. I had a Dad. He was great and if I ever had any questions he would answer them but it was as a father. It didn’t bother me growing up, but now that I’m an adult (still going to the same church that I grew up in) I find myself reluctant to seek advice from our ministers because I never had that pastoral relationship. Maybe it would be different if
Icchanged churches but I’fe never felt led to do that. Overall though growing up as a PK was a positive experience for me.
Also a pk. I did feel as if under the spotlight more than others. although same can be said for politicians , principals, teachers etc….Of coarse many times I wanted to be “normal” with more “freedom, but that’s probably because I wanted to do things I should do. People do seem to watch for mess-ups , but in hind sight it was probably good. All kids want to get away with stuff, whether or not they have a pastor for a Dad. Same can be said for humans and God the Father , nobody likes getting caught. Being a Christian period will put you under a similar scrutiny. There was some uncomfortableness associated with it I think the good outweighs the bad. Jesus had to take time out when he may have physically enjoyed time with friends or family, and watching both my parents taught me that sometimes spiritual matters trump physical. I know there’s a balance there , but that’s for everyone in life and not always one way or the other is right. You have to do what God is leading at the time. Finally and probably most importantly, these are the parents God gave me and the life he chose for me to be raised in, never does he make a mistake.
I grew up a PK, and now serve beside my father on staff in the same local church. I rarely felt any of the negative emotions and experiences you’ve outlined in your articles, but I know plenty of PK’s who did. My parents raised me in a church that loved us, and I give a great deal of credit to that fact for my passion for local church ministry today. Thank God for healthy churches and good parents.
I was a PK. The greatest sermon my Daddy ever spoke to me was the time he spent with me. He took me fishing, I loved that time where it was just us in nature and no-one else. I am a social worker today because of that time I spent with both my parents. They were a unit who visited people together. I now work in hospice and I don’t think I would be able to do my job if I hadn’t had that experience as a PK visiting hospitals, nursing homes, funeral homes and shut-ins. The church and my family were for the most part a safe and nurturing place for me. I am in church today and my husband is a lay minister.
I am married to a minister. He is a wonderful preacher but more importantly, a wonderful PASTOR. He is very involved and concerned with the lives in his congregation. We have two young children and there have been times when a week will go by and we won’t see much of him. He has gotten better at realizing how important home life is. However, there are times that people forget he has a family and that we like and NEED uninterrupted and family time. The glass house feeling is true as well because I have had to learn that my feelings often have to be held in at church so I don’t make my husband’s job harder. Of course, church members can say whatever they want to him and he is supposed to just take it. I love being in the ministry and am so humbled that God chose us to do such an important thing. I would just like lay people to remember that our children are not perfect and that we most certainly are not perfect either. He cannot leave his work at church but unless it is VERY important , let him be mentally at home when he is physically at home. (Hope that makes sense.) I would also like to say that every church where we have served has had at least one or two families who really invest in a relationship with us outside of church. Those families are the ones that are extended families to us and make it very difficult when The Lord calls is to move on. Thank you to those types of families!
There was a time in my life where my dad had a normal job. Then sometime during my preteen years, he announced that he was called to be a pastor. At the time, I felt torn and conflicted. I knew what it felt like to be a normal kid, and then right us pubirty set in my life was suddenly uprooted and thrust into a sort of spotlight. My peers withdrew from me all of the sudden, and members of my new church looked at me with scrutinity, I was uprooted several times throughout my teenage years. It was always right when I felt like I had finally found my place too. A sort of resentment had started to manifest as a result of all of this. I saw a side of the church that made me angry during this time as well. The judgement, the hypocrisy, the power struggle, it all left a foul taste in my mouth. The worst part was once I finally left my dad’s church and moved on to college, the bitter ‘why don’t you serve at your daddie’s church’ questions and jokes started to surface. If it was not that, then there was the constant assumptions that I had gone wild sometime during my father’s absence. Someone said it earlier, it’s never really said but it sucks knowing that a screwup on your part could really cost you your dad’s job. I love my dad. The worst thing to me was having to smile to him, lie, and pretend that the decisions he was making weren’t making me miserable. On top of all of this, my dad knew everyone in our town. Literally everyone, I could not go anywhere without someone knowing who I was. For me being a PK was all negatives. I left the church for a long time, and had to come to grips with everything on my own time. The confusion, isolation, and pain I felt during those years has not even been scratched other than surfacely. I recently started going church again, and for the first time in forever I feel free of my father’s name.
Mr. Rainer,
This is my first comment! I’ve read your blog for many months now. I can’t help but comment on this because I am a Pastor’s Child. (Mind you, I am a 25 year old married lady but I’ve maintained Pastor’s Daughter status for 18 years!)
As a “grown up” (Although I don’t feel like one), I struggle almost every week to attend church. When I began college, I was granted the freedom to attend church away from my parents. I loved this! I immediately began attending the biggest church in our area because I was so excited that no one would know me. I enjoyed that if I was sick or out of town and didn’t attend church, no one knew! Even when I moved away from home to attend grad school, I attended the largest church in that area, sat in the balcony, and once again, loved the anonymity.
A year ago, God convicted me that while I was doing a daily quiet time, serving others, and attending church, I wasn’t participating in a small group of any type. To be honest, I haven’t attended a small group in 3-4 years.
Church hurt me a lot growing up. By God’s grace I have forgiven a lot of the people who hurt my family. I think my biggest struggle is making relationships with people in church because it was the people in the church that hurt my family. I’m afraid that being apart of a community again will bring about the same amount of hurt that came from being a Pastor’s Kid.
I’m not sure how to close this comment, but I will agree with you that my most treasured memories in my dad’s ministry was visiting people and learning how to share the gospel by my parents’ example. What a wonderful gift. I will also say that while I struggle a lot with my relationship with church folks, I am able to empathize and love on people who have been hurt by the church. I currently work with foster families and have met three families that are pastors who have been hurt by their home church. I am able to relate to them and truly understand what they are going through. While I can’t solve their problems, I can pray for them and with them and they seem to appreciate someone who gets it!
I’m a Southern Baptist PK & thankfully #4 was never an issue for my family. I mean our family vacations were to the Southern Baptist Convention every summer! 🙂 My father made it clear to every church he pastored that his family came before the church. He often stated that “If I fail as a father then I have failed as a pastor.” He and my mom were at every ball game and concert we had. My dad also told his staff that he expected them to be home with their families. He asked for only one other night a week other than Wednesdays for church work. By laying that foundation coming in to a church it was never an issue.
He was a wonderful protector. People weren’t allowed to use us as targets to get their way in the church. #1 & #6 were the hardest because some church members seemed to think we were supposed to be involved in everything when their own children hardly ever came. And I knew there were people who were hoping that we would fail and if it was morally then that would be even better. I still struggle with guilt for missing a Sunday and I’m 30 years old. I still feel the need to explain why I missed even though my father isn’t the pastor at my church now. My parents just asked that when were growing up to find one ministry to be involved in … they didn’t expect us to do it all. Then once we hit college we were free to attend another church if we wanted too.
I had the joy of being involved in ministry with my dad. It was what we did. With my other two siblings they enjoyed other activities outside of the church with my dad. While I did have some church members treat me like a jerk it was harder to see them treat my dad like that. One person even went so far as to question my dad’s salvation to a friend of mine all because my dad didn’t agree with him over a petty issue. The lack of respect for the pastor still baffles me. Yes, he is just a man but he has been called by God for this position and we need to respect that. My dad has been cussed out, threatened & put on the spot so many times over the years but he just took it and dealt with it in the most Christ-like manner that he could. My mom has born the strain of a pastor’s wife with grace & mercy. I still don’t know how she holds her tongue. Because of witnessing all of that I think it is why my siblings have had a hard time finding a church.
It hasn’t always been a beautiful life but I’m thankful to have grown up in the ministry because I have had some amazing friendships develop over the years with some of those church members and now I seek to be that kind of friend to my ministers’ kids. And the older I get the less I view “deacon” as a dirty word!
I’ve been a PK my entire life. I just typed a novel of my opinion, but it’s not needed. PK’s know what their problems are, parents know what potential one are, but every family is different. Every child is different. Every church is different. Being a PK is painful, but it’s not the churches fault, it’s the father’s response. The parenting. I recall doing something awful in my early teens, and my mother telling me, “do you know what people would say about your father if they knew about this?!” She went on to inform me that they’d accuse him of losing control of his household and his job would be in danger. We did what it took to sweep my wrong under the rug, and consequently, it stayed under the rug of my life. That sin became secret and habitual. It doesn’t matter as long as nobody know, though, right? THAT is losing control; losing control is when the church’s opinion decides how you parent.
Disciple your children. Spend time with them. Let them develop their own theological views. When we all got to college, I called my dad to ask what all of this terminology I was hearing meant. (Fundamentalism, Reformed, Arminianism, etc.) he gave me some small books that illustrated it and asked me what I thought. Don’t tell them what they believe. PK’s are already somewhat forced into a frame of mind. They’re automatically the ones that MUST agree with all the pastor says, in most culture. Let them find the truth sometimes. Guide them. Nurture them. Love them. And don’t put the church before them.
My parents did a great job. I had the opportunity to watch my dad come from an extraordinarily fundamentalist background in my childhood, to being Reformed in my collegiate years. We all have struggles. We all have complaints. But we all know the church. And I pray that we don’t teach Pk’s what they’re supposed to do, but that there’s nothing they can do. Go to the sinners. After all, Jesus didn’t walk around inviting people to church, did he? He went to them and befriended them. Loved them, and showed them the life-changing power of Christ. Let your kids screw up. Let them make friends mrs. Sue doesn’t approve of. Let them get a bad hair cut and express opinions. That’s okay. It’s okay if people don’t like you. It’s not okay if because of your ministry, your kids never experience the depiction of the Gospel. Live it. Live the Gospel. Show your kids that no matter what they ever do, even if they’re homosexual or have an abortion (since those are clearly the worst sins…another day..), you love them. Show them that there is nothing they can do to earn or remove your love, and that you are mirroring the perfect love of Christ. Show them. We do too much telling. They’ve heard almost every one of your sermons. Show them.
Okay, I still wrote a novel. Oh well..hah!
I love this comment.
I can relate. I am a PK as well.