It was not the response to a blog post I expected. Back in June of 2013, I wrote a post speaking on behalf of pastors for their kids. I summarized seven major things pastors wanted you to know about their children. The article had a big response when it was first posted. But, for reasons I have not completely fathomed, the post went viral a few weeks ago. Now almost 200,000 views and hundreds of comments later, we can see a pretty clear picture.
You see, the majority of those who responded were pastors’ kids. So, instead of hearing from pastors about their children, we heard directly from the children themselves. Some were teenagers still living with their parents. Others were adults who grew up as PKs. All of them had pretty strong opinions.
As I read again through the plethora of comments, I developed seven major themes from these PKs. Not all of their comments were negative, but a majority did communicate some level of pain. Here is what they said:
- The glass house is a reality. People are always looking at the PKs. They have trouble saying or doing anything without someone, usually a church member, making a comment. Most of these PKs (and former PKs) felt a great deal of discomfort living in the glass house. Some even expressed bitterness.
- Some church members made a positive and lasting impression on PKs. One of the more frequent positive comments we heard were about the church members who loved and cared for the PKs. Many of them took the children under the wings and made a positive difference in their lives.
- Some church members were jerks to the PKs. Many of the stories are heartbreaking. It is really hard to imagine some of the awful words that were said to the PKs. Some still feel the sting of those words decades later.
- Many PKs resent the interrupted meals and vacations. They felt like their pastor parent put the church before the family. One PK, now an adult, lamented that every vacation his family took was interrupted; and many times the vacation was truncated.
- Some of the PKs have very positive memories when their parents included them in the ministry. I read comments about hospital visits, nursing home visits, and ministry in the community. These PKs absolutely loved doing ministry with mom and dad. They felt like the church ministry was something the whole family did.
- A key cry from the PKs was: “Let me be a regular kid.” A number of the PKs expressed pain from the high expectations placed upon them by both their parents and church members. Others said that some church members expected them to behave badly because that’s just what PKs do.
- Some PKs left the church for good because of their negative experiences. They viewed local congregations as a place for judgmental Christians who are the worst of hypocrites. They have no desire ever to return. You can feel the resentment and pain in their comments. Their hurt is palpable.
On the one hand, I feel badly for the opening of wounds that blog post caused. On the other hand, I am grateful for the forum it allowed for many of the PKs to express themselves.
If you are a PK, do you identify with these comments? How do the rest of you react to their hopes and hurts?
photo credit: Joe Thorn via photopin cc
Posted on January 8, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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170 Comments
I have been at PK for almost 40 years. I’ve seen good and I’ve seen bad. Ive lived all of thee above plus a lot more. My parents never made us feel like we had to be the example. The church members alway did. There was on time that my mom bought me some new school clothes and one of the church ladies said I didn’t need and just take the hem out of my old ones which by the way were hand me downs. She even pushed my mom once because she had cut her hair in a new style. I’ve seen my parents hurt very bad by church members all of whom thought their opinions and ways to do things were always the best and didn’t understand why my dad wasn’t conforming to their way. But I can say this if I had not had a true relationship with Jesus Christ and if I had not been taught that it all about HIM i would have MAJOR CHURCH issues. But God has called me to a greater purpose. I’m a called praise and worship leader and I’m also a children’s evangelist. Living in a Pks home I can truely say to all Pks out there make it about GOD and having a personal relationship with HIM and all of the STUFF doesn’t matter.
@Sherry, I totally agree with your comments on this issue. I am not a PK but I have children who I want to grow up in the way of the Lord and I must say I have learnt a great deal on parenting as a christian mum from this site. I think it is not all about the PK as some parents are too hard on their children and some even substitute family time for business and extra work demand. This is an eye opening for me and for the PK’s, like sherry said ” make it about GOD and have a personal relationship with HIM and all of the other STUFF doesn’t matter”.
Your comment is truly encouraging!
I am a PK/ MK, and now currently serving as a children minister and worship minister. It was, and is still, a rough road. My fiance is also a PK/MK/youth minister so we have double the ‘glasshouse” reality to cope with, (not to mention what our future kids will have to go through!) Yet we experience way more than just double of the Lord’s grace and blessings in our struggles and complex identities. I thank the Lord for my parents who had led me in my walk with God all these years, and taught by example to put our focus on Him, not on other people or circumstances. Our true identity is in Christ!
Of four children in my husbands family two will not darken the doorway of any church now after being raised as PK’s. My husband and his older brother were repeatedly raped by a member of the church and blackmailed into silence by threats of destroying their fathers ministry. The boys were four and six when it began. There are wolves among the sheep in the pasture. Pastors cannot relinquish responsibility for their children or any of the children in the congregation without continued vigilance for their safety and welfare. Proper protocols and clearances must always be observed when dealing with the youngest and most vulnerable ones in the congregation.
Olivia,
Since my husband was your minister when you were just a little “Tyke” yourself, I have taken great pride in following your ministry. Now it’s come full circle – you’re ministering to me.
Not only was I a minister’s wife, but a p.k. too. Reading the seven points made me realize some of the joys and hurts I’ve felt through the years because of our family involvement in the ministry.
As a child, I loved being at church with my family and friends. I made a decision to become a Christian when I was nine, and have never wavered . The hard part of being a p.k. was the frequent moves we faced. I went to 9 schools before graduating from high school
Watching Kerry and Lynne grow up in the church in Mt. Sterling, I thought their lives were greatly enriched by the friends and activities at church. I do remember that Lynne went to Bob’s office when she was about 10 years old, and stood at his desk, to see if she could make an appointment with her dad, just to talk with him! Wow, did that ever get his attention!
Thanks for this format to let us communicate about the joys and frustrations of living in a glass house!!
Carol Hayes
As a PK, I have overwhelmingly more positive memories than negative. I feel very blessed to have grown up in the family I did. Yes, my dad was busy, but we lived next door to the church (AND had regular neighbours around us!), and his office was in our house. The upside – he was around. My parents had breakfast and lunch together, we always ate dinner at 6pm so he scheduled meetings around that. My mother was very active in ministry also, and it was a part of life; we accompanied our parents on visits, and to bible studies, church camps, out of town services, rallies and special events. They never discussed members of the congregation negatively, and never stewed over issues. I learned to let things go and not gossip about others. On the downside, there were insensitive people. There was an element of pressure. There was little privacy at home (people could – and did – drop in unannounced at any time of the day or night). But my parents did a great job of balancing and I am eternally thankful to them. My siblings and I have remained followers of Christ, with one brother also going into full time ministry. What an awesome childhood 🙂
I’m a P – not a PK. In response to #5 my grown children have bad memories of some of the ministry experiences I exposed them to (hospital and nursing home visits). Perhaps it would be good advice to younger P parents to pick and choose what they expose their children to. Some children are more sensitive than others to certain situations.
I’m 53, so maybe my memory is fading, but I really don’t have any bad memories about growing up as a PK. I have very fond memories of it. There were even a couple of times I remember people not making fun of me for something like not cussing because they knew I was a PK, so I was ‘excused.’ It breaks my heart to read some of these stories and the hurt some people have experienced. So, to answer your question as to if I identify with the comments? No, I don’t.
I learned first hand that just because a pk has grown into adulthood and goes to church, that doesn’t mean they are a Christian. My ex was abusive, and a liar. She kept me from seeing our kids and even got the pastor to throw away my mail and do other things that do not conform to Christian behaviors and beliefs. Not all preachers, or their kids, are even remotely godly.
Thom,
Several years ago I found myself checking out an ex-Christian website. Several of the bloggers listed there were PKs who had completely left their family’s faith behind due to the amount of pain inflicted upon them by ungrateful, unholy and unthoughtful church people. May God’s conviction be upon those Christians for the damage they have done to one of His children. But also, perhaps the rest of us can have some positive impact on those ex-followers’ lives through prayer and comforting/apologetic words whenever God gives us the opportunity. Given that the Holy Spirit is grieved whenever believers sin, how much more must He react and feel when one of His own goes astray.
I think pastors who succumb to opposite dangers in vocational ministry will produce two opposite results in their kids.
I know pastors at one end who burn themselves out in ministry, working ridiculous hours, taking on overwhelming responsibilities, etc.
But, I also know pastors on the other end, who abuse flexibility in their schedule, lack of accountability, etc. and are often just lazy.
Then as it relates to their children. Pastors in the first category will turn their kids against ministry and often the church so quickly as would any dad who makes his work his idol.
On the other side, pastors who are lazy instill in their kids dispassion and a lack of seriousness for the call to vocational ministry. It communicates that pastoral ministry isn’t a “real” job, and dad is just taking the path of least resistance.
By God’s grace, my dad was able to strike the balance between these two, and not only did my siblings and I thrive in a ministry home, but my brother and I are pastors, and my sister is married to one.