It was not the response to a blog post I expected. Back in June of 2013, I wrote a post speaking on behalf of pastors for their kids. I summarized seven major things pastors wanted you to know about their children. The article had a big response when it was first posted. But, for reasons I have not completely fathomed, the post went viral a few weeks ago. Now almost 200,000 views and hundreds of comments later, we can see a pretty clear picture.
You see, the majority of those who responded were pastors’ kids. So, instead of hearing from pastors about their children, we heard directly from the children themselves. Some were teenagers still living with their parents. Others were adults who grew up as PKs. All of them had pretty strong opinions.
As I read again through the plethora of comments, I developed seven major themes from these PKs. Not all of their comments were negative, but a majority did communicate some level of pain. Here is what they said:
- The glass house is a reality. People are always looking at the PKs. They have trouble saying or doing anything without someone, usually a church member, making a comment. Most of these PKs (and former PKs) felt a great deal of discomfort living in the glass house. Some even expressed bitterness.
- Some church members made a positive and lasting impression on PKs. One of the more frequent positive comments we heard were about the church members who loved and cared for the PKs. Many of them took the children under the wings and made a positive difference in their lives.
- Some church members were jerks to the PKs. Many of the stories are heartbreaking. It is really hard to imagine some of the awful words that were said to the PKs. Some still feel the sting of those words decades later.
- Many PKs resent the interrupted meals and vacations. They felt like their pastor parent put the church before the family. One PK, now an adult, lamented that every vacation his family took was interrupted; and many times the vacation was truncated.
- Some of the PKs have very positive memories when their parents included them in the ministry. I read comments about hospital visits, nursing home visits, and ministry in the community. These PKs absolutely loved doing ministry with mom and dad. They felt like the church ministry was something the whole family did.
- A key cry from the PKs was: “Let me be a regular kid.” A number of the PKs expressed pain from the high expectations placed upon them by both their parents and church members. Others said that some church members expected them to behave badly because that’s just what PKs do.
- Some PKs left the church for good because of their negative experiences. They viewed local congregations as a place for judgmental Christians who are the worst of hypocrites. They have no desire ever to return. You can feel the resentment and pain in their comments. Their hurt is palpable.
On the one hand, I feel badly for the opening of wounds that blog post caused. On the other hand, I am grateful for the forum it allowed for many of the PKs to express themselves.
If you are a PK, do you identify with these comments? How do the rest of you react to their hopes and hurts?
photo credit: Joe Thorn via photopin cc
Posted on January 8, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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170 Comments
Vacations interrupted? haha. I wish! We didn’t get to take vacations. Having said that, we did get opportunities others didn’t – I got to travel to conferences – everywhere from England to Australia. I got to miss school and there are probably some other perks that I took for granted. Not sure the trade off was worth it because all I saw was the inside of churches. Regardless, my parents did the best they could and I love the Lord and do ministry today for a reason – despite the pain. My parents prayed for me and with me regularly and that obviously had a lasting impact. We can all learn and grow from our experiences. After my dad passed away, I heard from so many people the impact he had on them, and that also let me see, as an adult, that it was all worth it.
I am a P who understand what some people say when they mention things others actually say to, or about, your children that would make them after a while turn away from the church and find it so hard to return.
Speaking from my children’s point of view, children hear and understand different so, adults should very carefull what and how they speak to them. A child not being accustomed to being shout at at home when it happen to them in a different setting they would never want to return. So I agree with number three after a decade it still seem as yesterday; but some people think I am older or I am authority so ….
And another as number seven the church is viewed as hypocritical not from my point of view although that particular one think I talk about the church too much so it is her enemy. Bur they are all grown up now all the same I thank you for your words of advice I would say because it helped me a lot and I hope the many comments woul help others to realize that pPastors and their children need pray instead of criticism.
I would continue to pray for Pastors and their children because this is a tough place to be in front.
A beautiful inspiring article. I wish it was written 35 years ago. I am a daughter of a pastor (father). First of all my brother and I lived with my grandparents until I was 13, when my grandmother passed away. We would live with my grandparents Mon.-Fri. night, go to my parents Fri.-Sun. and back to my grandparents after church. So when we went to live with my parents, I had no idea what was really going on in church because I actually was going to church for Jesus all those years. What I found out was hurtful and devastating to me. My father was and had many affairs with women in the church and out of the church, (with one of my best friend’s mother) which a child, my sister was born from but my father would never acknowledge her even though everyone knew in church and the very small town. I would constantly ask my dad if it was true and he would say no. He would come home at 1,2,3,4 o’clock in the morning and my mother was locking herself in her room leaving me and my brother to fend for ourselves most of the time. Finally when I was 30, me and my brother confronted my parents and refused to leave the room until all questions was answered. We didn’t just do this for ourselves but for my sister who was also robbed of having the opportunity to call him dad, call me and my brother, bother and sister. The scary thing is when my father admitted it, my mother was still in denial. We are still struggling to put our family together and they are still pastors. If I can say anything to pastors with children is if you’re not ready to really do God’s work to the utmost and put your children before the church members at least to make sure their needs are met first than don’t go into ministry because what’s the sense in saving a whole/half/third of a church and lose your family. I am glad to report me and my brother are still with Jesus and we both have wonderful loving marriages and we have worked in the church while maintaining a marriage and children. Pastors and pastor’s wive have to figure out the balance and make sure their children’s souls are just as important as others.
Keep praying for PKs everyone
As a “PK” daughter & gran-daughter I can relate to all these things in both articles. I spent a lot of time questioning why & the validity of the church body. I never wavered on my belief in God. I did question whether he really loved ME. I did live a life outside of His perfect will and filled with sin. I spent the better part of my late 20’s & early 30’s asking a lot of whys and dealing with bitterness. Thankfully, I have found my way. I’m now a fully time minister. My husband, a 2nd generation PK also, and I run a not for profit for refugees, primarily from Burma. It’s different for our kids bc we don’t answer to a specific congregation. They are allowed to be who they are without a glass house. I have always lamented, even openly, that there were not retreats/conferences/support groups for PK’s. The Ministers have many outlets to talk amongst their peers about the perils of the profession God chose for them. For PK’s though, there is nothing. You suffer in silence. If you talk to someone about it you feel as though you are betraying the ones you love. In some cases you can’t trust anyone with the information that troubles you most. PK’s are not encouraged to talk to each other about the challenges so they are left feeling isolated and alienated. It’s a huge gap in the church as a whole. Taking care of the pastor means the pastor AND his ENTIRE family.
As a PK growing up I watched my mom and dad go through so much hurt and pain! Yet they still severed and are still serving in ministry. I couldn’t tell the many ugly nasty things memebers did to my family from my father to my youngest brother. Those things don’t matter anymore they are healed because we let God heal the wounds and pains! Because of my parents example of how they handled the hurt by relying on God to fix it rather than them taking action, I am who I am today! Now 35 yrs old married to a minister and have two children of my own I feel blessed to have need chosen to be a PK kid. I know the pain my kids feel when daddy has to take care of church Buisness instead taking them to chuckie cheese or to Disney world or even just to mc Donald’s. I understand when my husband has to work a full time public Job plus pastor the church and puts in more than 80 a week trying to get it all done plus be a dad and husband. The destiny God lays out for you is what you make of it!
I would love some help. I am a pk and my situation is a bit different. I have problems dealing with the separation between pastor and mother. It seems as if I can’t talk to her in either sense because if the “mothers” reponse doesn’t suffice then the pastors response trumps everything. I considered joining a different church with the same background of teachings but I don’t know what to do. I grew up in this ministry but it seems there are so many things I see that seem wrong. I have been looking for help because it seems when I pray my emotions get the best of me and I can’t hear clearly.
Jackia, I understand how you feel, I have experienced this also and as an adult whose mother is a pastor, It can be difficult to talk to a mother that raised you for 18 years and now is acting as your pastor, she has watched your every move as a mother and now as a pastor, I decided to move my membership because my mother wouldn’t allow me to make my own decisions in life as an adult Christian, or if she did, she will make me feel bad and guilty for doing so, even if there was absolutely nothing wrong with the decisions I made, don’t get me wrong, I have always respected and loved my mother but I believe in setting healthy boundaries with parents, if boundaries are not set in place then you make your parent your God and not your heavenly Father, parents can sometimes use Gods word to manipulate and control their adult children in order to get what they want or guilt you into giving in to them, remember to always honor your mother but remember that honor doesn’t mean to obey your mother, that only applies to when you are a child still living at home. Try and talk to your mother and tell her how you feel and pray for your mother and ask God for guidance in how to deal with her and her ways. Most parents, especially mother’s have a hard time letting go of their adult children but that’s when they are going to have to trust God to keep and protect us because in reality we belong to God once we become adult men and women. I hope I said something to help you, God bless you!
I am a PK now, if I can still call myself a child (I am 20). I am a college student, living at home and I have never had a rebellion streak, as most usually say about PK’s. I can relate extremely well about the church members being hurtful. When I was 8 years old, my family was essentially run out of a church by lies that surrounded my family. Members of the church were claiming that my mom had an affair with several deacons and my sister (who was in 8th grade at the time) was pregnant, as well as several rumors my parents never have and never will share with me. This was 12 years ago and I sometimes remember things like this and become so upset that people can be so cruel.
I also struggle with being resentful towards my father. I know it’s wrong, and I try so hard not to be, it just gets the best of my sometimes. I currently having a hard time with him not allowing me to go to the church of my own choosing. He is a Baptist pastor but currently preachers at a backwoods Methodist church that currently has 4 “youth members”, including myself. I have to go there and I get absolutely nothing out of it. When he first got the job he told me “they hired me because I have a kid around the age of some kids there” which makes me feel like if I do or say the wrong thing he could lose his job. Recently I told him I wanted to go to a church that a few of my friends go to and he asked me if I was “giving up” on his church.
Don’t get me wrong, most the time being a PK was great, but there have been many times in my life that I have asked myself has it really all been worth it.
Number 4 struck a great chord with me. As a senior in college I will often reminisce on the good ol’ times of high-school and think of the vacations and activities my dad missed out on. I’ve seen the sadness in his face as my mother and sisters and I will recall a funny event and he tries to laugh even though it is not a shared memory for him. It hurts him, just as much as the kids.
When it comes specifically to vacations however, I don’t blame the church members as much as I do the staff. The church staff knows that getting away is important and needed for families to draw closer together. They should be ready to hold down the fort for just a week while the pastor is enjoying his family. Also, church members should understand and respect the pastor’s need for some time away.
I am also pk, my father served as a pastor for 32 years in Chizami Baptist Church Nagaland India, now he is serving as a Church advisor. Though we face many challenges i see my parents Love for Christ and love that bind them together is still very strong. I have learned from them that whatever maybe i will trust in the Lord.
Very much agree with this list, and I feel like I could add a dozen more to it. One thing that stuck out was the comment that “They felt like their pastor parent put the church before the family.” I think that thought should actually be reversed. I very much resent the interruptions of meals, holidays, family vacations, etc. but I don’t have any resentment towards my father…it’s towards the self-centered members of the congregation who demanded immediate attention on trivial or petty matters.