Seven Things We Learned from Pastors’ Kids

It was not the response to a blog post I expected. Back in June of 2013, I wrote a post speaking on behalf of pastors for their kids. I summarized seven major things pastors wanted you to know about their children. The article had a big response when it was first posted. But, for reasons I have not completely fathomed, the post went viral a few weeks ago. Now almost 200,000 views and hundreds of comments later, we can see a pretty clear picture.

You see, the majority of those who responded were pastors’ kids. So, instead of hearing from pastors about their children, we heard directly from the children themselves. Some were teenagers still living with their parents. Others were adults who grew up as PKs. All of them had pretty strong opinions.

As I read again through the plethora of comments, I developed seven major themes from these PKs. Not all of their comments were negative, but a majority did communicate some level of pain. Here is what they said:

  1. The glass house is a reality. People are always looking at the PKs. They have trouble saying or doing anything without someone, usually a church member, making a comment. Most of these PKs (and former PKs) felt a great deal of discomfort living in the glass house. Some even expressed bitterness.
  2. Some church members made a positive and lasting impression on PKs. One of the more frequent positive comments we heard were about the church members who loved and cared for the PKs. Many of them took the children under the wings and made a positive difference in their lives.
  3. Some church members were jerks to the PKs. Many of the stories are heartbreaking. It is really hard to imagine some of the awful words that were said to the PKs. Some still feel the sting of those words decades later.
  4. Many PKs resent the interrupted meals and vacations. They felt like their pastor parent put the church before the family. One PK, now an adult, lamented that every vacation his family took was interrupted; and many times the vacation was truncated.
  5. Some of the PKs have very positive memories when their parents included them in the ministry. I read comments about hospital visits, nursing home visits, and ministry in the community. These PKs absolutely loved doing ministry with mom and dad. They felt like the church ministry was something the whole family did.
  6. A key cry from the PKs was: “Let me be a regular kid.” A number of the PKs expressed pain from the high expectations placed upon them by both their parents and church members. Others said that some church members expected them to behave badly because that’s just what PKs do.
  7. Some PKs left the church for good because of their negative experiences. They viewed local congregations as a place for judgmental Christians who are the worst of hypocrites. They have no desire ever to return. You can feel the resentment and pain in their comments. Their hurt is palpable.

On the one hand, I feel badly for the opening of wounds that blog post caused. On the other hand, I am grateful for the forum it allowed for many of the PKs to express themselves.

If you are a PK, do you identify with these comments? How do the rest of you react to their hopes and hurts?


photo credit: Joe Thorn via photopin cc

Posted on January 8, 2014


With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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170 Comments

  • I am a pk. Pks tend to rebel for one reason or another when they get old. That is a reputation that pks have. My parents were fortunate for my brother and I never really went in the rebellion state. I aways felt like the congregation expected us to be perfect. So shortly after we would go to a church I would show I am not perfect so dont put me on the pedestal. Also we would behave in church and sit through the sermon. It is what my mom expected from us. So when little we would color or read quietly and behaved.
    What my parents did was raise us in the church but also told us that eventually we need to make our faith our own. We had to live it. My brother and I got to the point where we could no longer live our faith through our parents. But honestly my parents chose our friends until we showed them we could make wise choices. They were our Parents first and for most. They raised us showing how important it is to have a Christ centered marriage and a Christ centered household. If you live your live according to the Bible with the man the leader of the household then things are much better. They raised us to have a Biblical worldview. To live according to pleasing CHRIST!!! So I say some pk are not the typical pk

  • First, thank you Thom and to the PK’s who have responded.

    I am not a PK, but a Pastor who didn’t grow up in the church. I have tried to ask Pk’s I have known from various settings, who are grown, to tell me what their dad did right and what went wrong. That has helped me strive to consider the toll my profession takes on them (ages 11 & 9). These comments also help in that regard.

    my overarching goal is that my children would not view the church as the enemy of faith.

  • I read both your first blog post and this one as well. I identified with both. I too am a pastor’s kid and can understand the living in the glass house, father having to deal with things while on vacation, and the many interrupted meals with phone calls. But I must say that my parents always put our family first. Yes, the glass house is a reality, but my mother did everything that she could to make the home a safe haven for all of us. There is a family in our church who took us and loved on us as people and not as the pastor’s family. They are still in our lives today, and I have always felt that I could be myself around them and not have to worry about being the PK. They hold a special place in my heart. Yes, there are those who have said things around me about my family that they should not have said, but with anything the good and the bad come with it. My parents always made our extra-curricular acritivies, made sure that we had supper together as a family, and they never told us that we could never do something because we were the pastor’s kid. They never put pressure on my siblings or I to be the perfect kids. I also grew up going with my father to the hospital, nursing homes, and making home visits. I have say by countless bedsides ministering alongside my dad, and I have enjoyed every minute of it. I is because of the influence of my parents that I went to a Christian University and then on to Seminary so that I also might be prepared to do the work that the Lord has called me to do. Now, I will say that it is because of being PK’s that my siblings and I all went far away for college in order to figure out who we were on our own outside of the PK stigma, and far away from where anyone knew who we were. But today, we are all following the Lord and doing what He has called each of us to do in our own lives. Thanks again for posting and for giving PK’s a voice!

  • I could really relate to each of these. I think PKs like me grow up much like military kids. The tough experiences can either make us stronger or leave us bitter. I think parenting plays a huge role in which road we go down. My parents always wanted church to be a place where I felt loved. It was only as an adult that I learned of many painful experiences my dad went through. He never discussed the negatives with us. If a parishioner made a thoughtless comment, my mom helped me frame it in a way that made it less hurtful. There is good and bad in just about every situation we find ourselves in. My advice to PKs who feel bitter…let it go and move on. To parents of PKs, I would ask that they help encourage their kids to focus on the positive aspects of the experience and listen to them when they need to vent! To parishioners…just have the same expectations for your pastor’s children that you’d have for any other in the congregation…no better and no worse.

  • I was a PK at a young age. I learned”do as I say-not as I do.” This caused me to walk away from the faith. I would add one more. If pastors neglect their children, they fail at pastoring. I think pastors loose sight of their family too often. I love my Father. But, I NEVER want to inflict harm to my family through neglect as I experienced.

  • I agree with these comments and I appreciate them. I had positive and negative experiences. I’ve had church members pull my hair and tell me how to behave. I never really experienced my parents in church because they were leading it. There were expectations and still are and I don’t go there but is more of a reaction of my dad from church members of questions he doesn’t want to answer. Church was a requirement not a choice. Behavior had to be at its best or I was in trouble. I wasn’t allowed to choose my own church because what would the church members think. It was a lot of pressure. I resented the church and high school and never got to enjoy the worship aspect because church was my parents place of work not a place for me to worship. They had to deal with the rude comments of the older congregation if I merely stepped out of line a little bit and these expectations were in place at a young age. I am surprised that I love the church as much as I do today and that’s because of my youth group at another church because the one at my church fell out of existence. I must say that is the best thing to ever Happen to my faith life.

  • First time reader/commenter here. I stumbled across this blog post. I feel that all seven of these points apply to me in one way or another. My father was pastor of a congregation of 300+ and I often joke that I grew up with over 100 parents. Some of them were complete jerks, hypocrites, and generally bad people. Others were wonderful and guided me with lessons that I still treasure. I value my knowledge go theology and scripture and go so far as to offer steep discounts professionally to area churches because I value the work they do and understand their budgetary constraints. However, I have left the church. I’m still a believer, but church is not for me due to the fact that my negative experiences with the people in the church (not just ours, but close to a dozen others) far outweigh my positive ones. Thank you for posting this. Maybe this will help congregations to understand what a PK may be going through.

  • Christy Capps says on

    I enjoyed reading this and all the comments.. I’m a pk but my experiences are different because I’m an evangelist’s kid (is that a EK..lol) .. My dad was well known around the US mainly the eastern region.. He was gone a lot (mom & I didn’t travel with him much since I was born when they were in their mid 40’s). My hardest thing as a EK is that when we did travel I came to your church (normally revivals, homecomings..ect) everybody was happy (no church conflict or at least his for the time I was there) and there was food to boot!! So even though I went to church while dad was gone in never experienced the ups & downs of a church and to this day if there is some conflict in the church even small I tend to want to leave .. I can relate to one comment on here as going somewhere not being known cause even though dad has been in heaven 16 yrs now ppl still say oh your preacher … Kid and I’m 37yrs old.. (This has happen on vacations far from home.. Lol) I’m thankful to have been born into my EK family ..I’m thankful for my salvation!!! I will say something that really helped me was when The Lord showed me I answer only to Him and not “them” ..

  • When my father accepted the call in to the ministry, I had no idea what that would mean for my life from that moment on. He was a factory worker and worked through seminary to pursue his calling. He has remained at his first church, which is an oddity, and I’m still seeking God’s wisdom as to why that is. My father is still at a church who does not appreciate him. They have blackmailed him and our family, have caused extensive grief in the community, and I will say high school was a helacious experience- however, I count it all as gain. I’ve received hand written hate mail, had “hate clubs” formed against me, and letters/petitions asking me to kill myself. Everything I wore or even how I looked was critiqued (some even went and looked up what my clothes cost and would discuss it in the pews). At pot lucks, women would tell me “you should really re-consider eating that food, you’re starting to get a little pudgey”. We’ve had several scary circumstances, but God has delievered us in every circumstance. Fortunately, I was able to identify with various types of people, specifically nonbelievers because of how the church treated me and my family. I am still an active church goer, have moved away from home, and am actively involved in ministry and missions. It’s given me a unique perspective, one that I wouldn’t trade. God is still healing wounds from my “home church”. It’s painful watching your family be torn down, but God seems to keep them there for whatever reason. I picture it being like the Israelites, one day, God will allow them in to the Promised Land because of their faithfulness. God has already started to reconcile some of the issues within our church, and for that, I praise Him. Thank you for this follow up article.

  • As a 50 something PK- you nailed it!

  • As a PK I can identify with most, there is probably still some tings I am working through. I left the church environment as soon as I was of legal age. I wanted nothing to do with all of the hurtful and hypocritical people I found in church at that time. As someone else mentioned you get to all of it, some good, some not so much. I have since returned to a church and have a different understanding than most people do. I wouldn’t trade my childhood and parents for anything in the world! Thanks for writing this article, it is great to have someone give others an insight to the reality of what PK’s live and go through the majority of the time (good and bad).

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