If you get a group of pastors and church staff together, you will inevitably hear some pretty unusual comments they received from church members. So I did an informal Twitter poll to get some of these comments in writing.
There were so many good submissions; narrowing the list to twenty was a difficult process. Ultimately, I was able to get the number down to my requisite count. Here they are. Some of the comments have been modified slightly to reflect a direct quote.
- “I am not a Christian; I am a Baptist.” I don’t know why I found this one so funny.
- “Do you grow weed in your closet?” The church member actually wanted to look in the pastor’s closet to confirm his suspicions.
- “Sorry I was late to church. My dog, Rambo, and I have been witnessing to people.” Rambo must be a special dog.
- “I don’t know if I will be able to help with baptism tomorrow. I’m bleeding from my rectum. I think it’s hemorrhoids.” By all means, please stay home.
- “Are you the one who keeps taking the beer off my daddy’s grave?” I’m left wondering how daddy gets the beer.
- “So did you fly or drive there?” That was a question asked of a pastor after he returned from a trip to the continent of Africa.
- “We never had these storms until you came.” Those are words said to a pastor after hurricanes Rita and Ike.
- “You need to turn all the lights up during worship. You can’t worship God when it’s dark because He is light.” There has to be a theological response to that.
- “Can you perform a ceremony just short of marriage for just living together?” Do you take this roommate . . .
- “I really appreciate the content of your sermons, but I can’t stand to watch you as you deliver it.” It would be tough to take that statement as a compliment.
- “I need you to go catch a peacock that escaped!” Of course, that’s item 6c in the job description.
- “ I can tell you have the anointing of God. My cat does too.” It must be a very spirited cat.
- “I can’t run the media and worship God at the same time. I can only worship God with my eyes closed.” Note to that church member: Don’t drive and worship at the same time.
- “Are you and your wife getting a divorce?” This question was asked of a pastor when he announced his resignation. They were not getting a divorce.
- “You need to wear a bra when you preach.” Just to be clear, this statement was said to a male preacher.
- “You blink too much when you preach. You are also a very pale person.” Thank you for your kind words.
- “When are you going to get your own church?” This question was asked of an associate pastor.
- “Top that, preacher!” Words spoken to the pastor by the soloist as she stepped down from the podium.
- “Working here will help you overcome your seminary education.” Somebody doesn’t like seminaries.
- “Congrats. This is our last Sunday. This church is dead.” Words said to a new pastor on his first Sunday at a church.
Sometimes we just need to laugh. I hope these twenty statements provided a bit of humor. Let me hear from you. I know there are so many more. We can probably have many more laughs together.
Posted on September 16, 2015
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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77 Comments
Pastor when are you going to wear big boy clothes? You can’t preach to the farmers if you don’t dress like one. ( he thinks big boy clothes are a suit and tie, last time I checked farmers don’t wear that.)
What do you mean farmers don’t wear suits and ties? Didn’t you ever watch “Green Acres”? 😉
An older congregant greeted me after church saying, “That was the best sermon you ever preached!” He paused and grabbed his ear and proceeded, “Oh wait, my hearing aid was turned off!” Smile…
Most of these are funny. Some are sad an insulting. Some people just don’t have much of a filter.
It takes all kinds of folks to make the up the Body of Christ, but some nice folks need some manners.
Thanks for sharing.
I had a man come into my office one day and ask me, “How come when I smoke a bowl (of marijuana) I feel closer to Jesus?” I didn’t really know what to say at first. He got a blank stare from me for about 30 seconds!
We received a phone call asking if we had a snake at the church…the woman then explained that her toilet was clogged and needed to borrow one.
We debated adding the slogan “Strong Tower Church: We deal with your crap.”, but ultimately decided against it.
True Story
I’ve been pastoring rural churches too long. If someone asked me if we had a snake in the church I’d reply, “I certainly hope not!”
#15 – in this case it should be a “bro” or a “manssiere”
A lady once told me after a message, “I really got a lot out of that today. I don’t usually get much out of your messages but I did today!”
My family and I moved across country to plant a church. We visited a partner church of ours and had a member of that church say to me … “You couldn’t get promoted in your church so you had to start a new one! That stinks”
Next time someone says that to you, quote to them one of Elmer Towns’ favorite sayings: “It’s easier to have a baby than to raise the dead.”
Never been told #15, but I wonder if some folks thought it?
I once had an older lady tell me about her hemorrhoids. She said she was curious what they looked like so she squatted over a mirror. She then said, “it was not a pretty sight, don’t ever do that. Don’t even try to picture it.” How could I not? And now, how can you not? lol
Did you really have to go and do that to us all? 🙂
Now that was funny!
Thanks Thom, I needed that today! My personal favourite was a member who gave my wife and I the glowing compliment after we had provided special music for the service, “Thank you for your song, too bad you couldn’t have sung a hymn.” 🙂
One more…my first Sunday at a new church, the chairman of the Pastor Search Committee came to me and welcomed me. Then this was said, “You need to preach good today because we have done heard everything.”