If you get a group of pastors and church staff together, you will inevitably hear some pretty unusual comments they received from church members. So I did an informal Twitter poll to get some of these comments in writing.
There were so many good submissions; narrowing the list to twenty was a difficult process. Ultimately, I was able to get the number down to my requisite count. Here they are. Some of the comments have been modified slightly to reflect a direct quote.
- “I am not a Christian; I am a Baptist.” I don’t know why I found this one so funny.
- “Do you grow weed in your closet?” The church member actually wanted to look in the pastor’s closet to confirm his suspicions.
- “Sorry I was late to church. My dog, Rambo, and I have been witnessing to people.” Rambo must be a special dog.
- “I don’t know if I will be able to help with baptism tomorrow. I’m bleeding from my rectum. I think it’s hemorrhoids.” By all means, please stay home.
- “Are you the one who keeps taking the beer off my daddy’s grave?” I’m left wondering how daddy gets the beer.
- “So did you fly or drive there?” That was a question asked of a pastor after he returned from a trip to the continent of Africa.
- “We never had these storms until you came.” Those are words said to a pastor after hurricanes Rita and Ike.
- “You need to turn all the lights up during worship. You can’t worship God when it’s dark because He is light.” There has to be a theological response to that.
- “Can you perform a ceremony just short of marriage for just living together?” Do you take this roommate . . .
- “I really appreciate the content of your sermons, but I can’t stand to watch you as you deliver it.” It would be tough to take that statement as a compliment.
- “I need you to go catch a peacock that escaped!” Of course, that’s item 6c in the job description.
- “ I can tell you have the anointing of God. My cat does too.” It must be a very spirited cat.
- “I can’t run the media and worship God at the same time. I can only worship God with my eyes closed.” Note to that church member: Don’t drive and worship at the same time.
- “Are you and your wife getting a divorce?” This question was asked of a pastor when he announced his resignation. They were not getting a divorce.
- “You need to wear a bra when you preach.” Just to be clear, this statement was said to a male preacher.
- “You blink too much when you preach. You are also a very pale person.” Thank you for your kind words.
- “When are you going to get your own church?” This question was asked of an associate pastor.
- “Top that, preacher!” Words spoken to the pastor by the soloist as she stepped down from the podium.
- “Working here will help you overcome your seminary education.” Somebody doesn’t like seminaries.
- “Congrats. This is our last Sunday. This church is dead.” Words said to a new pastor on his first Sunday at a church.
Sometimes we just need to laugh. I hope these twenty statements provided a bit of humor. Let me hear from you. I know there are so many more. We can probably have many more laughs together.
Posted on September 16, 2015
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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77 Comments
I was told once that my boys (then ages 16 and 13) did not eat enough vegetables at the church fellowships.
PKs must eat vegetables. See Hezekiah 4:9.
I was once called and asked, “Pastor, I found a turtle on the road. Do you know where I can put it?” Funny thing is that I did know just the right spot. Then I changed my cell number.
Pastors should know where to put turtles.
Bring him to the “Shell” station!
I received a letter over the summer titled, “The Words of God to Earl Harris.” Now, I’ve never met an Earl Harris in my life, but he somehow got this letter in my inbox inside the church building in my office. He says that God spoke to Him to give a message “to all preachers in America.” The letter is quite lengthy, but this line sums it up: “On July 4th, 2014, God told me, that I need to tell all the preachers in the United States to stop preaching and teaching the Bible, because they are not developing Saints for heaven.”
Makes sense. Because, as we all know, if the saints are to be developed, the Bible is the last thing we want to look to…
The saddest thing is, some church members would probably listen to him!
At the beginning of my pastorate and my first church, I had a sweet little lady tell me that my red nose made me look like I had been drinking. A few months later she told me that I looked like I had gained weight. At her funeral I told everyone that I believe she thought I was a fat drunk!
Now that’s funny!!!
I had a pastor tell me that he was told from a parishioner that they would not come back until he shaved his beard.
Jesus would not do well at the church.
Answer to #6 – Revelation 21:23 says, “The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp”, therefore we should not need lights here in the church.
Regarding #17 – When I was a Youth Pastor, I ran into a pastor and his wife from my hometown at the state convention. The PASTOR’S WIFE asked, ” do you have any plans to go into the ministry, or just stay in youth work”. I told her that I enjoyed playing flag football and going to Six-Flags Over Georgia all the time, so I thought I would just stay in Youth Ministry.
As an aspiring Youth Pastor, that one kinda hurts.
I have served in the ministry for nine years and had a couple of these myself. My personal favorites came from the same lady.
Once, after getting a haircut, she asked me, “Did you mean to get your hair cut like that?”
Another time, she asked me “Have you always been chunky?” Now, I am probably a little over weight, but I never thought of myself as chunky, lol.
Her husband came to privately a few weeks after and told me they were leaving the church. But not because of her dislike for me. It turns out, she was in the beginning stages of dementia, and there was a church closer to their home where they had family attending. He was very cordial and gentle about it, and apologized for some of the things she had said. I had no hard feelings, but it opened my eyes to “You never know why some people say things.”
To end it on a funny note, he was being very quiet about them leaving because he didn’t want to make a scene or anything. She promptly stepped out of the church and shouted “We are never coming back to this church. We are going back to our old church.” I had to laugh.
That is supposed to say “Her husband came to ‘me’ privately” not “her husband came to privately.” He had not been unconscious, lol
Yep, I went there too. I have seen many husbands “come to” at the end of the sermon.
While serving as a Youth Pastor, and the preacher was gone, i was told the Pastor’s cow got out. Apparently i fell to me to bring it home.
#11 brought back memories. I was never asked to catch a peacock, but I was once asked to go and help remove a snake from an elderly woman’s house. I put that one under the heading of “things they never teach you in seminary”.
Be careful handling snakes.
The Bible says God cursed snakes. If that’s good enough for Him, it’s good enough for me!
Some people handle snakes every Sunday:) As I write this I am thinking of the kind that were in the garden but there are also the ones in the pews:)
I heard some crazy things over the years. I gave a five minute message about hope at a funeral for a man who didn’t attend our church. I was told I was “a little long in the teeth”.
Hmm? 21st century chief xtic; impatience!
My senior pastor at a former church was approached by the father of the bride five minutes before the wedding was scheduled to start. He told the pastor which Scripture passages he wanted to hear and what to preach about.
#15 made me literally laugh out loud! 🙂
Maybe the guy had man boobs.
Hey there. Are these real comments? Gee whiz, I sure hope not. Some of these are downright mean.
I would bet my hat on them being real. One person told my mom they were leaving because she chewed gum while dad preached.
Totally real. They were sent to me by pastors and staff.
I couldn’t doubt a single one.
In my last ministry, presently between ministries, the day I moved into the parsonage I was told by a husband and wife at separate times “you shouldn’t throw away your boxes”. Three years later I would have to admit they were right, I should have put the boxes back into the truck and left before I started. I would have rather heard #20 then tried to help a church over come that situation when they didn’t want to do so.
It’s just good humor. ^_^
I had a parishoner once tell me, “Preacher, I sure do like your “suppository sermons.” I was tempted to say to him, “Good. Then you know where to stick it!”