If you get a group of pastors and church staff together, you will inevitably hear some pretty unusual comments they received from church members. So I did an informal Twitter poll to get some of these comments in writing.
There were so many good submissions; narrowing the list to twenty was a difficult process. Ultimately, I was able to get the number down to my requisite count. Here they are. Some of the comments have been modified slightly to reflect a direct quote.
- “I am not a Christian; I am a Baptist.” I don’t know why I found this one so funny.
- “Do you grow weed in your closet?” The church member actually wanted to look in the pastor’s closet to confirm his suspicions.
- “Sorry I was late to church. My dog, Rambo, and I have been witnessing to people.” Rambo must be a special dog.
- “I don’t know if I will be able to help with baptism tomorrow. I’m bleeding from my rectum. I think it’s hemorrhoids.” By all means, please stay home.
- “Are you the one who keeps taking the beer off my daddy’s grave?” I’m left wondering how daddy gets the beer.
- “So did you fly or drive there?” That was a question asked of a pastor after he returned from a trip to the continent of Africa.
- “We never had these storms until you came.” Those are words said to a pastor after hurricanes Rita and Ike.
- “You need to turn all the lights up during worship. You can’t worship God when it’s dark because He is light.” There has to be a theological response to that.
- “Can you perform a ceremony just short of marriage for just living together?” Do you take this roommate . . .
- “I really appreciate the content of your sermons, but I can’t stand to watch you as you deliver it.” It would be tough to take that statement as a compliment.
- “I need you to go catch a peacock that escaped!” Of course, that’s item 6c in the job description.
- “ I can tell you have the anointing of God. My cat does too.” It must be a very spirited cat.
- “I can’t run the media and worship God at the same time. I can only worship God with my eyes closed.” Note to that church member: Don’t drive and worship at the same time.
- “Are you and your wife getting a divorce?” This question was asked of a pastor when he announced his resignation. They were not getting a divorce.
- “You need to wear a bra when you preach.” Just to be clear, this statement was said to a male preacher.
- “You blink too much when you preach. You are also a very pale person.” Thank you for your kind words.
- “When are you going to get your own church?” This question was asked of an associate pastor.
- “Top that, preacher!” Words spoken to the pastor by the soloist as she stepped down from the podium.
- “Working here will help you overcome your seminary education.” Somebody doesn’t like seminaries.
- “Congrats. This is our last Sunday. This church is dead.” Words said to a new pastor on his first Sunday at a church.
Sometimes we just need to laugh. I hope these twenty statements provided a bit of humor. Let me hear from you. I know there are so many more. We can probably have many more laughs together.
Posted on September 16, 2015
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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77 Comments
One Sunday afternoon after preaching 3 times, I gteeted an elderly woman from our church at a missions meeting and she looked at me oddly and asked me if I was someone that she should know?
Once, after a discussion about KJV and RSV I had someone say, “I suppose the Revised Standard Version is okay, but I really prefer to read the Bible in the original.”
For 15 of my 30 years of ministry I was bi-vocational. One of the many jobs was general manager of a small chain of Christian bookstores in eastern NC. One day I was in our flagship store and a lady came in and told me she had just been saved and needed a Bible that was easy to read. I took her over to the Bibles and began showing and explaining the different translations. She stopped and said, “No it has to be the original, you know the King James.” I then said, “If you wan the original you would have to get the Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek.” Big mistake. She turned around and stomped out of the store.
I had a seminary professor (early 1970’s) who recalled that issue in parish ministry when he introduced the RSV. Someone insisted that the lessons be read “in the original” (meaning KJV) so the following week he did just that–he read the OT lesson in Hebrew and the NT lesson in Greek.
I’m not a pastor, but have been a Christian my whole life. In the early 1970’s my church was dealing with the issue of the legitimacy of translations of the Bible other than King James. During one such discussion on this subject, an older gentlemen jumped up red-faced and shouted, “If the King James version was good enough for Paul, it’s good enough for me!” One of my all-time favorites!
and then there was this lady who was elderly. each sunday for the 8 years I served that church she would tell me “you get better every time I hear you” . she never missed church.
wonder how bad I was when I went there?
I had a guy that would say on his way out each week, “Good try, preacher.’
That is HYSTERICAL!
I once asked a Bible study group what they did to keep themselves spiritually in tune with God. One lady who was not particularly fond of me said, “Sermons help me.” My moment of surprise and encouragement faded when she added, “Yes; there are several good preachers on the radio I like to listen to.”
I was told I “preached a hell of sermon” one Sunday by a church member. It wasn’t on hell so I can only assume it was compliment. Thanks?!
I was told the exact same thing by a good friend when I first started preaching. He also meant it as a complement, and, coming from him, I took it as such. Of course, I also got the same comment from another friend after a sermon on the tongue. I hope his was in his cheek!
I have had adults say, “I get more out of your children’s message than I do your sermon.” I’m not sure if that’s praise or an indictment and if it is indictment, who is indictment is against? I choose to believe it’s them.
I am not a preacher but thought preachers might want to hear this. When I was younger I thought the bulletin that was given to us was for the soul porpous of drawing while the adults listened to the old guy (preacher) talk for what felt like hours. My age was around 7-10 when I thought this. Blank page in middle of bulletin made sense to me.
All good quotes. People say the funniest things!
My favorite comments came from the same parishioner.
The dear older lady suggested that I “get a blog”. Her grandson had one so it “must be something good” and ended by offering to have him show me how to order one. She seemed sad when I gently let her know that I already had two.
The other funny comment was at a potluck mission trip fundraiser. It was announced that I was driving to Alaska when the trip update was given that morning. She sat down at my table, looked around the fellowship hall to be sure no one was looking and verified that she heard right. I assured her that she had. Then she lowered her voice and whispered, “Honey, does your husband know?”
He is the one who gave the report.
Some days laughter really is the best medicine.
These are hilarious! I have always said if I wrote a book about the crazy things said to or about me as a Pastor, and wrote about the crazy things that happened, they would put the book in the fiction section! No one would believe it!
One of my favorite stories is the time there was an elderly lady that we would pick up and take to church whenever she called and asked for a ride. One morning when I was preaching, in my little church that seated maybe 130, she threw a blanket over her head. Yep, while I was preaching. Then I ( and all 100 people present) heard a cell phone ring. THEN, I hear the lady with the blanket say the following: “Hello? Hello? No! No! No, he is not done yet! I told you he was long-winded! Hold on, I am in the auditorium, let me to the lobby!” Selah…..
When I was a single youth pastor in my 30s, a man at the church said that I would never have children of my own because he said I didn’t have any eggs left. True story with a happy ending. I am happily married and a mom to a 6 year old biological daughter. I guess God gave me a few more eggs after that comment. Lol