You never know what will strike a nerve in the blogosphere. A blog post I wrote Saturday went viral, and the comments, discussion, and debate are still taking place at that post.
It was really a simple article. I did a Twitter poll (not scientific, I assure you) asking first-time church guests what factors made them decide not to return. I listed the top ten in order of frequency.
The surprise factor was the number one issue. Many first-time guests really don’t like the time of stand and greet one another that some churches have. According to the Twitter responses and comments on the post, many guests really don’t like it, so much so that they will not return.
So what is it about this stand and greet time that many guests don’t like? Here are the seven most common responses, again listed in order of frequency.
- Many guests are introverts. “I would rather have a root canal than be subjected to a stand and greet time.”
- Some guests perceive that the members are not sincere during the time of greeting. “In most of the churches it should be called a stand and fake it time. The members weren’t friendly at all except for ninety seconds.”
- Many guests don’t like the lack of hygiene that takes place during this time. “Look, I’m not a germaphobe, but that guy wiped his nose right before he shook my hand.”
- Many times the members only greet other members. “I went to one church where no one spoke to me the entire time of greeting. I could tell they were speaking to people they already knew.”
- Both members and guests at some churches perceive the entire exercise is awkward. “Nowhere except churches do we have times that are so awkward and artificial. If members are going to be friendly, they would be friendly at other times as well. They’re not.”
- In some churches, the people in the congregation are told to say something silly to one another. “So the pastor told us to tell someone near us that they are good looking. I couldn’t find anyone who fit that description, so I left and didn’t go back.”
- Not only do some guests dread the stand and greet time, so do some members. “I visited the church and went through the ritual of standing and greeting, but many of the members looked just as uncomfortable as I was. We were all doing a required activity that none of us liked.”
There are some pretty strong comments at the other post, and not all of them are negative about a stand and greet time. But apparently many guests really don’t like the exercise.
Should churches that have a stand and greet time continue to do so? Is it more negative than positive, or vice versa? Does your church have this activity? How do you feel about it? I look forward to your responses.
Posted on November 3, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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314 Comments
Recently tried to subtly remove the ‘howdy doody’ time by just not doing it and making no announcement. After several weeks of this, several members threatened to leave the church if we continued to omit this time from our service. The comment was made that we were just not a ‘fellowshipping church’ without it. On the contrary, our church does a very good job at welcoming people prior to worship. Folks shake hands, give hugs, check up on one another, and even pray for one another. Most of this could not be done during the ‘Fellowship Greetings’ time (as it has been called here for years). Yet, nonetheless, without it our ‘worship’ time is just not the same. The struggles of a pastor trying to guide a church to focus on God.
Ha! As an introvert, structured social time is the only time I feel comfortable approaching strange people. The meet’n’greet or “Pass the Peace” is my favorite part of any service I have visited. I wish my current church did it.
I have gone to many coffee hours and stood alone and nervous, but I know at this time in the service I can say “Hello” and get a warm greeting without worry about bothering anyone.
As a side note, at the church I went to as a child, during our “Pass the Peace,” members stood and visitors were asked to stay seated. That way, they weren’t required to participate, and it was a way to show they were new without singling them out. That was cool.
I am not a Christian, but I do occasionally visit both protestant and catholic churches (there is a logical explanation for these visits, but its rather a long story). I will tell you that as an outsider looking in, I appreciate the gesture, but it is insincere at least 90% of the time. It is uncomfortable. Encourage your members to greet others in general, but don’t force-greet your entire congregation together and expect first time church goers or outsiders to appreciate it.
I’ve always hated the meet and greet time, both as a visitor and as a member. I remember during middle and high school I used this time as a bathroom break. I could time it just right to where I was sneaking out right as everyone stood up and I got back right as we started back into the service so that I could avoid any awkwardness (I mean, it’s awkward enough being a teenager, right?). And this is the church where I grew up. These were people who had thrown my mom her baby shower when she was pregnant with me. I was very active in the church and in the youth group, so it wasn’t like I was avoiding making connections or talking with people. I just didn’t like the contrivance of this time, I guess.
Now that I’m an adult and have lived in multiple cities and states, I can say that the best experience I had as a first-time visitor was to a church in Austin, Texas, that was probably the largest collection of awkward people I’ve ever found. My husband and I had tried several different churches by that point because we had mostly been ignored everywhere we went. Then we show up to this old building that smelled funny, probably because of the 70s carpet, and we were immediately greeted by someone who recognized that we were first-time visitors. She called over one of the elders and introduced us, and the elder proceeded to walk with us to the auditorium, introducing us to other people all along the way. When service started, he invited us to sit with him and his wife and their children and grandchildren. Before the first song, we were already a part of that church’s family.
This church didn’t have a meet-and-greet time during the service, but every time we went, even if we were running late, we couldn’t make it to the auditorium without saying hello to at least one if not several people, and then we couldn’t make it out of the building after service without handshakes or hugs. On more than one occasion, we had to turn down an offer to join someone for lunch because we’d already accepted someone else’s offer.
Now, my husband and I are both introverts. Introversion does not necessarily mean an aversion to social activities, but introverts generally desire deeper and more sincere engagement, and from what I know of others, extroverts appreciate that, too. In my experience, the most meaningful relationship-building interactions happen outside of the designated worship time. If your meet-and-greet during service is an integral part of the church family’s engagement with one another on a deep and personal level, I would love to experience that. I’ve never gone to a Protestant church with a meet-and-greet that was like that, but it’s a big world.
I see a mingling time during service as an indication that a group of believers or their leadership doesn’t feel they interact enough with one another outside of the worship service, which really should be focused on the edification of the believer’s relationship with God anyway, and, as a visitor, I would feel awkward about the meet-and-greet, but it wouldn’t keep me from returning. What would keep me from returning is if the only interaction I had with others was during this meet-and-greet. A couple of minutes of shaking hands and going through the motions of “How are you?” “Good. How are you?” “Good.” is not enough to form the family bond I desire when I join a community of brothers and sisters in Christ.
Well said Jessica….well said!
I am still trying to decide if I am a Christian or not, and attending church helps with this.
This kind of stand and greet is off-putting for me because the conversation tends to quickly move towards me having to excuse not going every week, not really being a convinced Christian etc. Everyone is very pleasant about it, but it immediately gets me off on the wrong foot with people I meet. I am relieved when people turn to the person on the other side of them and I can stick to talking to those I already know.
Wow! I admit I am surprised by all of the negative feelings this time evokes – my perception from the pulpit is that it is a time that folks enjoy (it is always a challenge to coral them back). I have also had many positive comments by visitors about how warm and genuine the greeting is at our church. BUT NOW I wonder – am I only hearing the positive feedback from those folks who feel comfortable and return, and not the negative feedback from those folks we have driven away. Will have to ponder that.
As a former full-time pastor I did not have a stand-and-greet time; our “visiting” was usually accomplished during Sunday School, prior to the service, or immediately thereafter. I find it distracting and almost intimidating to first-timers. I realize there are those who like it, and that’s OK. When we begin a worship service, we worship. Whenever I attend a church that has a stand-and-greet, it is usually after they begin their worship service and it does distract from the service.
Almost always someone will NOT be greeted, and that is enough reason for them to not return. While most people are looking for reasons not to be in church, we need to be more sensitive to those who choose to attend. There are health concerns; I’ve gone to the fist bump. Some people attend and smell like they have just walked out of a pool room; hugging or getting up close for someone who has an allergy to smoke just doesn’t make sense.
The church I attend now does this stand-and-greet. Personally, I don’t like it and usually do not participate. And I certainly do not like the senior pastor giving instructions about “say this to your neighbor”, “raise your right hand now”, “turn to someone and say…”, or even take a certain posture when you pray.
Am I wrong in my thinking?
We take hospitality and making people feel comfortable very seriously at our church, and we still get up and pass the peace every Sunday following the prayer of confession and the assurance of pardon. It fits well liturgically because receiving forgiveness should give us great peace, and it is a peace we should feel compelled to share with others. It is a genuine time, not artificial. It has been especially powerful for people who have had some sort of conflict with one another. Our members are aware that new people may not be comfortable joining in at first, so at least two or three people will make a point of offering them peace, but no one swarms them. I think this time also demonstrates that we are not a group of people who come in and worship individually and then go home. We are a community. And if our getting up and passing the peace makes us not the church for you, that’s okay. We are not the church for everyone.
Sheesh, why is it so hard to say hello to each other? People are way too entrenched in social interaction being entirely on their own terms. Maybe bring challenged out of our comfort zones isn’t a bad thing. So then we do away w things like this and people don’t come back bc no one spoke to them at all. It’s not all about us and our comfort! What better place to learn how to make peace with that? Christianity isn’t supposed to be comfortable or self centered.
Even though I am an introvert, I like the stand and greet time. It is a time in the service where we can focus that the service is not just me and God but us and God. That we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. There is an aspect of communion which is similar. The Lord’s supper is not just about me and God but about US and God and Me and my fellow siblings in Christ.
I understand some feel awkward during or pressured during the time but then again many feel awkward or pressured during an invitation. Should we stop invitations? No, there has to be more reason than that to stop both practices.
I also understand but do not think the argument that many of the church members are hypocrites really works either. The resolution could be to focus on the church members to not be hypocrites instead of letting go of the practice of greeting guests during the service.
As someone who is no longer Baptist, I miss some of the Baptists things I used to do in services. The Meet and Greet is one of them. I do not think it is a must have aspect to a liturgy but I think most of the reasons in the article above to not have the meet and greet are not very compelling.
I think it was a great topic to bring up however, especially since there seems to be some strong feelings for and against the practice.