You never know what will strike a nerve in the blogosphere. A blog post I wrote Saturday went viral, and the comments, discussion, and debate are still taking place at that post.
It was really a simple article. I did a Twitter poll (not scientific, I assure you) asking first-time church guests what factors made them decide not to return. I listed the top ten in order of frequency.
The surprise factor was the number one issue. Many first-time guests really don’t like the time of stand and greet one another that some churches have. According to the Twitter responses and comments on the post, many guests really don’t like it, so much so that they will not return.
So what is it about this stand and greet time that many guests don’t like? Here are the seven most common responses, again listed in order of frequency.
- Many guests are introverts. “I would rather have a root canal than be subjected to a stand and greet time.”
- Some guests perceive that the members are not sincere during the time of greeting. “In most of the churches it should be called a stand and fake it time. The members weren’t friendly at all except for ninety seconds.”
- Many guests don’t like the lack of hygiene that takes place during this time. “Look, I’m not a germaphobe, but that guy wiped his nose right before he shook my hand.”
- Many times the members only greet other members. “I went to one church where no one spoke to me the entire time of greeting. I could tell they were speaking to people they already knew.”
- Both members and guests at some churches perceive the entire exercise is awkward. “Nowhere except churches do we have times that are so awkward and artificial. If members are going to be friendly, they would be friendly at other times as well. They’re not.”
- In some churches, the people in the congregation are told to say something silly to one another. “So the pastor told us to tell someone near us that they are good looking. I couldn’t find anyone who fit that description, so I left and didn’t go back.”
- Not only do some guests dread the stand and greet time, so do some members. “I visited the church and went through the ritual of standing and greeting, but many of the members looked just as uncomfortable as I was. We were all doing a required activity that none of us liked.”
There are some pretty strong comments at the other post, and not all of them are negative about a stand and greet time. But apparently many guests really don’t like the exercise.
Should churches that have a stand and greet time continue to do so? Is it more negative than positive, or vice versa? Does your church have this activity? How do you feel about it? I look forward to your responses.
Posted on November 3, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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314 Comments
Thankfully, our church is blessed to have a wonderful dentist to accommodate those who would rather have a root canal. 😀
Thom, many of my members (we are a very small and informal church) consider this meet and greet as part of our “DNA.” I’ve even caught myself introducing it as a “signature” of our close fellowship…but never have considered it a potential offense to newcomers. Wow! Now I am all ears.
What I dislike about “meet & greet” time is the spotlight put on me as a new face and a visitor. Some members don’t want to know me – they’re the ones who briefly shake my hand and say hello. That’s fine with me. It’s the members who bound across the aisle with their visitor radar, and want to know my life story in five minutes. We may as well be sitting down and having coffee.
I once went to a church that was in a rural area and everyone was somehow related. The pastor saw me in the back row and made it a point to greet me before the service even started. I liked that, and I didn’t feel the need to shout out the fact that I was just “trying out” the church. Even if it were just one of the music leaders or an usher, I’d prefer that to the mingle-minute.
Oh, I have to vehemently disagree on this one. I am as introverted as they come when it comes to visiting new churches, but THE deciding factor when it came to joining our church in particular was that first stand and greet time. A sweet soul made a beeline to introduce herself and hug our necks and it stuck with us through every other church we visited in town. Yes, it’s a little awkward, but that’s church. That’s humans. As for people not being friendly other times, sometimes as guests, you slip in right before the service, sit in the back, and surely aren’t going to stick around for long afterward, so this might be the only chance we get to shake a hand and hug a neck. I’ll admit, it’s awkward sometimes. Sometimes I have to shake a hand of someone I don’t know, or stealthily pull out my hand sanitizer afterward during cold season, but when I get a great big hug from Mr. Tom or get to see Ms. Sadie’s brooch collection or see the little seven-year old down the row from me, Ansley, gets so excited because this is a time that she, as a child of the church gets to hug a neck of her friend Karis or Jeremy, that warms my heart. If we cut out everything that might be awkward for guests, why meet at all? Why not just stick the pastor up on stage, tape him and let’s all sit and watch it on our couches from home? Community is messy, and beautiful. (For the record, I am completely against singling out a guest and having them sit or stand before apart from everyone else, but this is family time, and family stops and shakes and hugs and kisses, and if they want to see a real picture of the family, I think huggin and kissin is just as worshipful as singing and preaching and eating and offering.) The problem isn’t with the stand and greet time. The problem is doing it badly. We are the only organization that still does this kind of thing, yes; I take that as a huge compliment to the church. We’re going to be the only organization doing a lot of things in the near future. Who else gets up early on a Sunday morning, hosts a sing along together, shares the tough stuff in our lives, admits our faults to one another, listens to someone tell us we are sinners but there is a better way? Who else fellowships with people 30 years older and 30 years younger than themselves every week, and counts them among their closest friends? Who else celebrates a bloody Savior who died for those sins? Who else claims to follow Someone Who is alive again?
Bravo! Thanks for the great post.
“Community is messy, and beautiful.”
Amen! And amen to about everything else you said!
If you are going to church looking for problems,you will find them. After all church is a bunch of sinners saved by the grace of God (and some members are not even saved). You are suppose to go to church to praise God and learn about him. Not look at other people. Christians are not perfect and will let you down. Keep your eyes on God and you will not be disappointed!!!!
I’m in a liturgical church, and for us it is not a “stand and greet” but an exchange of the peace. It symbolically carries out the scriptural instruction to go and make peace with one’s brother before approaching the altar, and thus it comes during the first part of the service, before the offering and communion.
I value it because each week it invites me to clasp the hands of the one or two people in the congregation I don’t like (and who don’t like me), look them in the eye, and sincerely wish for them “the peace of the Lord.” And have that peace wished on me.
For me, it’s got very little to do with introversion, awkwardness, or faking.
Now if the church simply had a “stand and greet,” I would dislike it for many of the reasons discussed above. But for me, it’s biblically encouraged and an important aspect of worship.
When I first arrived at our small-ish church (130), there was a stand-and-greet time AND a time for introducing visitors. I got tired of seeing the horror in visitors’ faces during the introductions, so I stopped doing them (and actually had several members complain about it).
But the meet-and-greet was so cherished that I decided it wasn’t (yet) a battle worth fighting. Instead, I reframed it as the Passing of the Peace, and every Sunday I give a detailed explanation of what we’re doing, how we’re doing it, and why. I frame it theologically AND tell everyone how to do it. It’s still very uncomfortable for most visitors, but their discomfort is mitigated somewhat by being told exactly what to expect and what to say.
Part of me still wants to get rid of it altogether, and I may in the future. But another part of me sees the value of family traditions. Every family (or group, church, etc.) has traditions, and any newcomer is going to find some of them uncomfortable. At some point it’s okay to say, “This is part of what we do in this family – let me explain how it works so that you can be part of it.”
If you’re going to have a meet-and-greet or Passing the Peace, I think it MUST be clearly explained EVERY Sunday so that newcomers can be coached through the idiosyncratic traditions of this particular family.
Thanks, Thom, for these posts.
Page 119 of the Australian Anglican Prayerbook. Order of service includes the ‘peace be with you’, Bible readings, songs, prayers, sermon, communion and more that I can’t remember. The greeting of peace is most certainly not an empty ritual. In most Anglican congregations we’ve visited (mostly smaller congregations), people are genuinely glad to see each other and chat. Visitors are warmly welcomed. It’s part of the worship. I’ve always thought it was something the modern movements lost in moving away from the traditional structures.
I love this blog post 🙂 My church has a meet and greet time and I absolutely hate it for most of the reasons mentioned. I do feel that it is fake and uncomfortable. If I want to speak to someone, I make a point to talk to them when I have more than just a few seconds. I crave authentic conversations with existing friends as well as when meeting new people…not fake greetings that are put on because they are required.
I think we try to plan the perfect everything in churches these days. Why not just let the Holy Spirit move. If you want that at your church, great! If not, then don’t. I think it pertains to the audience you attract. Myself for example has met a lot of people through greeting time and it really encourages me. Thanks and God bless.
One thing is certain: if you try to pander to everyone’s preferences, you’re only going to frustrate yourself. Certainly people’s feelings need to be taken into account, but you simply can’t please everyone.
I’m happy for you. I will continue to try to plan the perfect service though, because I think it’s a worthy goal. But you know what the cool thing about it is? It will never be perfect. My most intense efforts will always result in a mess. But it’s my inglorious mess God uses to show His glorious order. However, I can’t use that as a cop-out to give minimal effort and ask God to compensate for it. I think He wants me to give maximum planning and effort out of a heart of love, and then He accomplish with all that effort what I can’t.
I grew up in a church that did this, and I thought it was pointless at best, uncomfortable at worst, at the time. And the church that my wife and I have long been members of, but have only very recently started re-attending, does it – at length – and my nearly-45-year-old self utterly *loathes* and dreads it. In the interim, we have attended churches that didn’t practice this pointless pointless, patently counterfeit dog-and-pony-show wankery, and we were SO RELIEVED when we realized those churches *didn’t* do it.
Honestly, as I’m a) prone to having panic attacks, b) extremely averse to talking to/being approached by total strangers (or even people whose faces I may recognize and names I may remember, but who I see for one hour every week on Sundays), and c) I don’t see the pastor/church leadership ending this loathsome bit of performance art anytime soon, well … my wife and I may have to start looking for another place to go to church on Sundays.
“Patently counterfeit”? Maybe at your church, but I will thank you not to apply that label to all churches.