You never know what will strike a nerve in the blogosphere. A blog post I wrote Saturday went viral, and the comments, discussion, and debate are still taking place at that post.
It was really a simple article. I did a Twitter poll (not scientific, I assure you) asking first-time church guests what factors made them decide not to return. I listed the top ten in order of frequency.
The surprise factor was the number one issue. Many first-time guests really don’t like the time of stand and greet one another that some churches have. According to the Twitter responses and comments on the post, many guests really don’t like it, so much so that they will not return.
So what is it about this stand and greet time that many guests don’t like? Here are the seven most common responses, again listed in order of frequency.
- Many guests are introverts. “I would rather have a root canal than be subjected to a stand and greet time.”
- Some guests perceive that the members are not sincere during the time of greeting. “In most of the churches it should be called a stand and fake it time. The members weren’t friendly at all except for ninety seconds.”
- Many guests don’t like the lack of hygiene that takes place during this time. “Look, I’m not a germaphobe, but that guy wiped his nose right before he shook my hand.”
- Many times the members only greet other members. “I went to one church where no one spoke to me the entire time of greeting. I could tell they were speaking to people they already knew.”
- Both members and guests at some churches perceive the entire exercise is awkward. “Nowhere except churches do we have times that are so awkward and artificial. If members are going to be friendly, they would be friendly at other times as well. They’re not.”
- In some churches, the people in the congregation are told to say something silly to one another. “So the pastor told us to tell someone near us that they are good looking. I couldn’t find anyone who fit that description, so I left and didn’t go back.”
- Not only do some guests dread the stand and greet time, so do some members. “I visited the church and went through the ritual of standing and greeting, but many of the members looked just as uncomfortable as I was. We were all doing a required activity that none of us liked.”
There are some pretty strong comments at the other post, and not all of them are negative about a stand and greet time. But apparently many guests really don’t like the exercise.
Should churches that have a stand and greet time continue to do so? Is it more negative than positive, or vice versa? Does your church have this activity? How do you feel about it? I look forward to your responses.
Posted on November 3, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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314 Comments
The time of greeting (a.k.a. “handshaking time” for some or “Passing of the Peace” for our liturgical friends) is probably the most misunderstood aspect of the Gathering portion of the service. Rather than this being another chance for small talk, it should be a time for pastoral care to happen with intentionality. Guests should be noticed by the members and greeted warmly. The widow sitting across the aisle from you might need a hug and an offer to help her to her car after the service. The child who is dropped off at the curb for Sunday School needs someone to come up and extend the offer to sit with a family for the remainder of the service. The single mom desperately trying to keep her children quiet needs a widow to come over and offer to sit with her. It’s approaching Christmas season, and maybe some lonely grandparents with family who live far away would welcome a hug from from one of the youth. I prefer to list this action in the worship guide as the “Affirmation of Christian Unity,” or the “Celebration of Church Unity,” because we must be continually reminded that these seemingly random people sitting around us for the next hour or so are our brothers and sisters in the faith. Our eternal occupation will be worshiping together. It is healthy to have a time of what might be forced handshakes and eye contact to push out of our individualistic bubbles and remind us that this is Church! Worship gatherings are not “me and God” time; rather, they are “God and us” time. Unfortunately, we evangelicals and Baptists have ignored the deeper liturgical function behind nearly all the actions of worship to the point that we can argue ourselves out of doing anything that is “uncomfortable.”
On a positive note. The greeting time at our church allows for those who are coming in late to easily enter the service without interruption. Also this gives added time for our greeters to bring in extra chairs when needed. We generally sing a song then encourage our people to greet those around them. From my standpoint it seems to be an enjoyable experience.
That’s generally how we do it, too.
For me, this is an easy answer. I believe the church service must be a focused, sincere, holy, worshipful time. Among many other modern churchy traditions, the “stand and greet” time, for me, is a distraction from that goal. Therefore, though I grew up with it, I don’t use it.
I also try to refrain from the obligatory “special” right before the sermon. The church service is brief and only happens once or twice a week, so there has to be a really good reason for every single thing we do during it. For us, that means from the second we start to the second we end, we are focused on ushering ourselves and everyone there into the presence of God and letting Him speak through us and to us. The focus is no longer on us–it’s all on Him. The Christians present will only benefit from focusing on Him for a change, and the non-Christians present can only be touched by being pointed to Him. It’s all about Jesus. And if anything we do is ever NOT all about Jesus, the difference is obvious. Symmetry and flow are created when everything is clearly pointing to the same goal.
I’ll step off the soap box now and let anyone who actually read this respond.
This is awesome. Amen, amen.
During greeting time, most of the people who do bother to shake my hand are looking elsewhere as though I’m not present. I want to jump up, wave my arm and say, “Hey! I’m down here!” It’s SO rude. Also, we have an autistic daughter and she finds greeting time extremely stressful and burdensome. It’s a real stress factor for her and causes her to not be able to concentrate on the service and the real reason we’re there. I feel for her more than myself.
I think the “arguments” against it bring up a crucial point — whether this is something added just for the sake of it (or for show), or whether it’s an authentic part of that body.
I’m an introvert and would be personally very content if our church didn’t do this. But as a whole, our church loves it, they love meeting people and greeting friends. And I think that’s something to celebrate and enjoy, and I think our guests see that.
Wow, you really struck a nerve with this one. =)
I shared your post on my facebook account and asked for people to share their thoughts on the subject.
(I’m a worship leader.) I got more comments on that post than anything I’ve ever posted. People are still commenting on it. Overwhelmingly, the majority are saying they don’t like it.
As a worship leader, I’d noticed that the worshipers tend to wake up after that part of the service. Even if the opening songs were high energy, the atmosphere in the room just felt more alive after the fellowship time. But after reading your article and seeing all these responses, I’m rethinking things. Thanks for sharing. I really want to do all I can to make folks feel as comfortable and welcomed as possible.
Shawn’s perspective made me think. We do the meet and greet just before the sermon, and while I personally don’t enjoy the time for all the reasons others have mentioned, my primary objection is to its placement in the service. The worship leader has just led us in music, preparing our hearts for the Word, but then that mood is interrupted and I fear that it takes a while for many in the congregation to re-focus their attention. Perhaps some are re-energized by the movement though. In the classroom, I use different methods (small group discussion, large group discussion, individual work) to keep students engaged throughout a class period, and the worship service presents a similar challenge. Ultimately, as a member who attends weekly, I can cope with the meet and greet (I’ve found it’s a great time to get a drink a water), but if visitors respond negatively, the practice deserves to be carefully considered.
I have a love/hate relationship with the meet & greet. The introverted me hates interacting so closely with people I don’t know, but on the other hand, it gets me out of my protective bubble interacting with other people. Especially people I don’t know. I’m part of the worship team, and our worship pastor asked us to hang out among the welcome team before and after services to help welcoming people. Introverted me doesn’t want to do that either, but again, it gets me out of myself.
In more liturgical churches, it’s called “passing the peace.” During the time, members are encouraged to say “Peace to you.” The response is “and also with you.” It’s a tradition that goes back a long time. While it’s probably become a perfunctory act in those settings, the reason for it is rooted in Scripture. Paul opened his letters with greetings of grace and peace. It’s a way for believers to share the peace of the Lord with each other. It’s a way to get believers, who attend church together weekly, to consider one another, and not just themselves. Passing the peace is something that reminds us we are not alone. While serving in our Baptist church in Tennessee, I called it the “shake and howdy.” Here in my pentecostal church in Texas, I just call it the “meet and greet.” Regardless of what it’s called, I ALWAYS have it in a service. And not just to help transition to another element of the service.
In our modern churches, especially all the “cool churches” around now, it’s so easy to come in, be entertained by the great music, watch the cool light show, listen to the awesome preacher, and leave without speaking to anyone. Well except for the barista in the lobby coffee shop where you ordered your latte. (And I’m not against coffee shops in churches. We have one in ours.) My point is that the consumerism mentality becoming so prevalent in church today (“Church is about me. I’ll pick a church based on my preferences in music, carpet color, the preacher’s hair style) has created a trend where church-goers don’t know each other and don’t “bear one another’s burdens.” In my little ol’ opinion (and that’s just what it is… an opinion), we are to be in covenant with one another. When we join a church, we’re saying to the Lord… “Lord, I’m linking arm-in-arm with these people– this small part of the bride of Christ. I will join with them to lift up the name of Jesus. I will love them and care for them for they are my brothers and sisters. Instead of walking in church expecting to get something out of it, I TRY to walk in and say, “who can I give to today?” “To whom can I share a blessing or word of encouragement?”
Most people only attend a Sunday morning service. That’s their only opportunity to talk to the people with whom they attend church. So for me, it’s more about providing a moment that folks can interact with one another. It’s my hope that through that brief moment, someone hurting will receive a hug or encouraging word from a neighbor. It’s my prayer that someone lost and far from God will realize that regardless of what they’re going through, how they’re dressed, or what they do for a living that there are people who love the Lord and are willing to cross an aisle, shake their hand and say… “welcome to this church. You have a place here.”
Can it be awkward? Yes. But so can singing congregational songs for many people who aren’t musical. So can passing the offering plate for those who feel they can’t afford to tithe. Probably one of the most awkward things can be altar calls where you have to walk past all those people to respond to the Word or deal with a sin issue in your life. Yet all of things are important in the life of the church. We do them because they bring value and meaning to our corporate times of worship. The encourage the believer and help us in our walk with Christ.
To quit doing something because it might be uncomfortable to a guest COULD (and notice I said COULD) lead down the road of being too seeker sensitive (defined as: let’s throw out anything that would seem too churchy and turn potential members off, even if it’s important Biblically).
I posted a link to the first article on my FB page, asking for comments, and I had church members more or less evenly split on whether its a good thing or not. Some say that our meet and greet one major factors in their sticking around. Others were less enthusiastic about it.
One question that springs to mind is, on the whole, how many first-time visitors to churches dislike the meet and greet? Saying that the meet and greet is the number one turn-off for visitors is not the same thing as saying that a majority of visitors are turned off by it.
Dr. Rainer, can you shed any light on what the actual numbers were?
Chet –
Those who identified themselves as first-time guests overwhelmingly (over 90%) dislike the stand and greet time. Keep in mind, though, my survey was not scientific.
But was this not a follow-up to the survey asked specifically of those who were driven away? What would a similar poll look like for those who decided to return and later became regulars? And then if you followed that up with “How did meet-n-greet factor into that? Just a thought…
Matthew 8:3 “Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man (who had leprosy).”
Good thing He wasn’t a “germaphobe”, huh? 🙂
I’m an introvert, though I’ve gradually been taking on more extroverted roles in public, as long as I get alone time afterwards. Whether this is a good or a bad idea depends a lot on how it’s done. I really like the liturgical greetings, in the middle of the service, or at any other time. Christ is risen! Truly His is risen!! Christ is in our midst! He is and ever shall be! Christ is born! Glorify Him! I can see how that might make a non-Christian visitor sort of hesitant, but it’s just important that is someone doesn’t answer, people are ok with that.
I don’t love effusive friendliness time in church services. It’s kind of an odd disconnected time, where it’s not long enough to actually learn anything about visitors, but it’s too long to not be awkward if everyone turns in different directions and starts chatting, while you’re not sure who to greet (this has happened).
I’m still young, but have nonetheless become more tolerant of this over time, after going to several different kinds of churches. I lived in Georgia (the former Soviet Republic) for a year, where the tradition is that there’s a kind of “liturgical milling” just before Communion, which lasts for 15-20 minutes. People greet one another, go outside and chill, reclaim written confessions from the alter servers, who hold them up like an auction, make absolution huddles, light candles, and so on. At first, I found this incredibly uncomfortable, and wanted to just leave at that point. Sometimes I did in fact leave. But eventually I figured out how it worked and why they do things that way (it has to do with preparing for Communion), and became alright with it.