You never know what will strike a nerve in the blogosphere. A blog post I wrote Saturday went viral, and the comments, discussion, and debate are still taking place at that post.
It was really a simple article. I did a Twitter poll (not scientific, I assure you) asking first-time church guests what factors made them decide not to return. I listed the top ten in order of frequency.
The surprise factor was the number one issue. Many first-time guests really don’t like the time of stand and greet one another that some churches have. According to the Twitter responses and comments on the post, many guests really don’t like it, so much so that they will not return.
So what is it about this stand and greet time that many guests don’t like? Here are the seven most common responses, again listed in order of frequency.
- Many guests are introverts. “I would rather have a root canal than be subjected to a stand and greet time.”
- Some guests perceive that the members are not sincere during the time of greeting. “In most of the churches it should be called a stand and fake it time. The members weren’t friendly at all except for ninety seconds.”
- Many guests don’t like the lack of hygiene that takes place during this time. “Look, I’m not a germaphobe, but that guy wiped his nose right before he shook my hand.”
- Many times the members only greet other members. “I went to one church where no one spoke to me the entire time of greeting. I could tell they were speaking to people they already knew.”
- Both members and guests at some churches perceive the entire exercise is awkward. “Nowhere except churches do we have times that are so awkward and artificial. If members are going to be friendly, they would be friendly at other times as well. They’re not.”
- In some churches, the people in the congregation are told to say something silly to one another. “So the pastor told us to tell someone near us that they are good looking. I couldn’t find anyone who fit that description, so I left and didn’t go back.”
- Not only do some guests dread the stand and greet time, so do some members. “I visited the church and went through the ritual of standing and greeting, but many of the members looked just as uncomfortable as I was. We were all doing a required activity that none of us liked.”
There are some pretty strong comments at the other post, and not all of them are negative about a stand and greet time. But apparently many guests really don’t like the exercise.
Should churches that have a stand and greet time continue to do so? Is it more negative than positive, or vice versa? Does your church have this activity? How do you feel about it? I look forward to your responses.
Posted on November 3, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
More from Thom
314 Comments
I think you nailed it. I’m not saying introverts should not get pushed occasionally to be more outgoing. But what about the visitors? If there are church members who are introverts, why would anyone assume the visitors are extroverts? You bring up a good point. Maybe it’s indeed time to stop forcing the meet and greet. Let the extroverts shake the hands and maybe bring back “donut church” to have a less pressured way to make people feel welcomed.
At my church, we stopped doing formal announcements and greeting time. It took several months for my people to get used to it. However, I found that I have nearly ten minutes for preaching and worship. So to help the relationship building time, we dismiss Sunday school 10 minutes early to give opportunity to meet our guest and prospective members. It has gone well now because the people are pleased to see an organized effort rather than a super formal event.
Plus, I always am finished preaching before 12 which makes everyone happy!
It would seem to me that those are sweeping statements. According to the Jung institute MAYBE 50% of all people are considered introverts to one degree or another. With that said there is probably a percentage of those people who do not like the meet and greet.
If you want to be anonymous you will not like the meet and greet, but most introverts know when they go to a public event they will probably have a level of discomfort. Some of you are over reacting and talking like it that it is a deal breaker for MOST people. When really it is probably a much smaller percentage.
There is something powerful in touch…. It is the way God wired us. In a society that is more and more disconnected, they may want to be anonymous but one of our deepest needs is human connection. Is being anonymous God honoring? Yes the greet can be awkward but the loving handshake or hug from another human can also be healing and help a person hear the Gospel as well.
I’m kind of an introvert, but I’ve always enjoyed the “meet and greet” time in any church. Granted, if the church members are only greeting one another and not the guests, then I think that is a legitimate complaint. Still, if the church members are genuinely being friendly, I find it difficult to be turned off. I’m much more turned off by churches that act like visitors aren’t even there.
I am 60, have been in church my entire life and am currently very active in my church, but I HATE meet and greet. I am basically a shy person so I either just stand where I am or speak to people I know well. We have a greetings committee for people coming in. Also i think it spreads germs in the winter and in the summer all those people (250-300) moving around heat up the sanctuary unnecessarily.
I’ve thought about this before but I’ve never heard a single complaint from a guest about our welcome time in the service. Not even an anonymous complaint on our communication card where we ask for suggestions (and trust me we get suggestions). I do hear about it when I omit this time on any given Sunday. I’m sure there are some who don’t care for this time and I can understand why (I’ve seen germ-conscious coaches offer hand sanitizer after teams shake hands). I asked our pastor and he noted that he had heard a complaint before from a member concerned for guests. I noticed that several of the comments called out a disconnect between the event and the reality. I don’t think that’s a major problem for us, and maybe that’s why it works. I also agree with the commenter who noticed an energy improvement in the singing after this time. I’m not wedded to the idea, though. Sometimes it’s hard to fit it in and it doesn’t make the cut. Maybe we’ll tailor our follow-up email survey to specifically ask about this. Very interesting!
I dislike how many churches have the greeting in the middle of the service. It disrupts the flow to go from a worshipful/meditative place to talking, chatting, laughing, hugging, shaking hands, etc.
Our church has the peace at the end. One can greet or not. We are a very huggy church rather than a handshake church. A visitor is usually greeted when they arrive, and could make a beeline to avoid being greeted if they so wished.
I am an introvert, I hate new experiences alone, but I went to this church and felt totally welcome; a year and a half later I’m an active member and don’t find the peace/hugging in our church off-putting at all. We do know how to do hospitality right, for sure.
So it depends, I suppose. I’ve been in churches where it is very awkward and I feel like people were going through the motions. Others were more overbearing and latched on to newbies; that made me much more uncomfortable. And also any church that singled out visitors/newcomers by asking them to stand, etc, is very off-putting.
I used to attend a large “huggy” church when I was in my 20s and I can’t count the number of times I got hugged by creepy guys I didn’t know at all and it was clear that it was more than just a friendly “I’m your brother in Christ” kind of hug. It wasn’t just single guys close to my age, either. A lot of times it was middle-aged married men and their wives would look at me like, “You better keep away from my husband!” And I was thinking, “Gladly, ma’am! Would you mind peeling him off me first, please!” I got a few hugs from women that were a bit questionable, too. It got to where a group of us women would try to sit together would sometimes help. Excusing one’s self to the ladies room was a good tactic, too.
I now attend a church that does not have the meet-and-greet time during the service and I do not miss it at all!
I’m an introvert for the most part but I enjoy the stand and greet time very much! At our home church it’s a way to help to make others feel welcome, and when we visit other churches it’s a nice way to feel a part of the local body. I admit sometimes it’s awkward, but the chance to shake a hand or two and give a big smile is part of sharing the joy of the Lord with someone! And I want to be nudged out of my comfort zone a bit – it helps me grow.
We have a stand and greet in our church — have had it since the church was founded 50 years ago. It is an integral part of our service. As pastor, I introduce the greeting time in several ways, primarily as an act of worship, for fellowship IS an act of worship and one of the recognized purposes or identities of the church. From time-to-time we have to reign in the process when it gets to be socializing instead of “blessing each other in Jesus name.” We follow the stand and greet with a communal prayer circle where the entire gospel community joins hands in a circle that goes around the sanctuary while we pray as the Lord leads, initiated and completed by the deacon of the month. It actually goes better than most might think and most of the people in our congregation desire to continue the practice. Moreover, guests join in! Many — especially in our highly liturgically-driven region — suggest that our warmness and openness is a welcome change from the cold stand-up/sit-down routine that they are accustomed to doing. The way I (we) see it, we will all one day be arm-in-arm in eternity and to have the privilege of practicing that in the here and now is a blessing.
I brought this to the attention of my congregation and should have expected the hail-storm of criticism. I could not believe the comments that were directed toward me. If we know for a fact that this part of the service makes many people so uncomfortable, why do it? At best, its shallow. At the worst it is forced and insincere. I’m convinced many people sense this as a means of true connection with other people, but it quickly becomes very disruptive. If we really want to welcome people, why not sit by them, engage them in meaningful conversation before or after the service. If we don’t know what to do, why do we have to make the 1950’s our fall back plan for ministry?
I used to lead worship almost every sunday. now I’m in a season where I would really appreciate a level of privacy that I can’t have because it feels like everybody knows me at church. Then, as I’ve come to desire more privacy, I’ve come to feel more uncomfortable holding hands with people I don’t know during prayers. And many christians know that it’s a custom in many churches and among christians in general to hold hands during prayer… in fact, I used to not understand why some people didn’t want to hold hands. but now I understand.
This is a great article. My husband is a pastor at our church and we came into this church four years ago with the “handshake time” having been an established part of the service. Notice I’m not stating my opinion because I plan to repost this on my Facebook page where some of our members will hopefully read. (And so maybe there goes my unstated opinion loud and clear – ha!) . Here’s my thought – do the people that love this handshake time love it because they don’t get any fellowship throughout the week with church members? And if so, does this speak to the lack of community in our churches outside of Sunday morning. I know a one minute handshake time doesn’t necessarily quantify as true fellowship and community but it’s a tiny touch of it – even if it is a germ infested one at that. Personally, I would be glad if the hand shake time went away for about all the reasons listed in this article but it doesn’t bother me as bad as some of the commenters.
We stopped doing this as part of the service, and began encouraging folks to greet others and meet new guests after the service ended. We have a good info booth, and a good crew greeting and getting folks pointed in the right direction before the service. We began to fell like the church members felt like their “obligation” to greet newcomers was satisfied by the greet time (even though it was short and somewhat artificial). And so, after the service, just when the time constraints were gone, and the service itself provided a platform for discussion, the guests were not greeted as thoroughly as they could have been. It seems to be working better, and guests have the option of “scooting out quickly” if their introverted personalities so desire. It seems to be working.