The conversation is always sad, always tragic. The pastor who left his church after a two-year affair with another church member. The student pastor who has been out of vocational ministry since he had a brief sexual encounter with his assistant.
I have spoken with countless numbers of these men and women. And each time I am reminded of how much I need to love God with all my heart, and to be totally devoted to my wife.
Though the conversations are both sad and tragic, I do learn from them. And after dozens, perhaps a few hundred, of these conversations, I see patterns. These patterns become warning signs for any of us, lest we be so naïve to think we have no vulnerabilities.
Because the conversations were informal, I cannot say for certain which among them were the most frequent warning signs. So I provide them in no particular order.
- “I neglected my family.” Church work can become a deceitful mistress (I struggle to find the male equivalent of the word). We become so consumed with our ministry that we neglect our families. But 1 Timothy 3:5 is clear that our families are our first ministries.
- “I had no system of accountability.” Unfortunately, most churches do not have clear guidelines for accountability. That does not excuse any of us from making sure that we have such self-imposed guidelines, and that our spouses know about them as well.
- “It began in counseling.” Sometimes the word “transference” is used to describe what can happen in counseling. The counselor or counselee becomes the object of attraction instead of one’s spouse. One or both of the parties see the other as something his or her spouse should be.
- “My co-worker and I began to confide in one another on a deep level.” The conversations between two people who work together become ones that should be restricted to the marital relationship. At this point, an emotional affair has already begun. Physical intimacy is usually not far away.
- “I began neglecting my time in prayer and daily Bible reading.” I am reticent to make a blanket statement, but I have never met a person who was praying and reading his or her Bible daily that became involved in an affair. Prayer and time in the Word are intimacy with God that precludes inappropriate intimacy with someone of the opposite gender.
- “He or she made me feel so good about myself.” In marriage, neither party thinks the spouse is perfect; at least it is rare. The danger happens when one becomes a hero to someone of the opposite gender. The good feelings that come with accolades or even adulation can become sexual attractions and traps that end in an affair.
- “It began on a trip together.” When a man and woman travel to the same destination for a work event, conference, or a convention, safeguards need to be established at the onset. A system of accountability, whether informal or formal, can break down when a man and woman are out of town together. Call me old fashioned, but I won’t ever travel in the car alone with a woman other than my wife (even at my old age).
The conversation is always sad, always tragic. And do you know what the most common theme I’ve heard in all of these conversations?
“I never thought this would happen to me.”
Sobering indeed.
Posted on January 29, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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199 Comments
The biggest worry I’ve had about preparing to enter ministry is the fear of messing up morally as a Pastor of a church. This article is a very useful reminder to always be on guard, no matter what. Thanks for sharing.
I remember being in the church service on a Sunday night when it was announced our youth pastor had failed morally. It devastated us teenagers. Looking back, I know of many of them that decided to “give up on God & church” because of that situation.
Great post, Dr. Rainer! My dad has been in ministry for over 35 years and is the definition of “careful” when it comes to this issue. I think if a senior pastor has a good handle on this, he sets the tone for the rest of the staff to be aware and accountable. My dad added windows to all classroom and office doors at one church he pastored at – including his own office. I ended up working in ministry recently and because of my dad’s voice in the back of my head, I avoided circumstances that would even look inappropriate. I’m female and my boss – the children’s minister- was male. We would often drive separately to go to Sam’s Club to buy camp supplies (for example) even though we were leaving from church and coming back to church. We would have working lunches on the premises, in view of others instead of going to a restaurant. Sometimes the appropriate and right thing to do is inconvenient – but marriages and reputations are worth the extra hassle.
I wish my husband did as you do. He is the senior pastor in a church and the associate is a female married pastor. Over the past 18 months they now spend a good 30 to 40 hours a week together, they drive together, eat in their offices which have a door joining them, minister and/or talk about ministry to 1 even 3 am in the morning. It’s not that they are having a physical affair, but I believe theirs is at minimum an emotional affair. I’m in a quandary as what to do. When I talk with them, I’m the bad person, they are doing ministry and are above reproach and I’m not being supportive. Her husband works nights and they have no kids at home, but that’s not the case with me and our kids we still have home. It’s affected our marriage but my husband won’t go to counseling. I don’t want to give up on my marriage, but its hard to go on when the other person treats you like a distant room mate. It’s like I don’t have a husband any more and I’m supposed to smile like everything is okay.
This is a very helpful article and I can certainly agree with the statement about understanding and knowing that we are never above setting up healthy boundaries that assure our integrity in walking with God. I was helped in seeing the humility behind the heart of this share. Thanks for the wisdom and insight.
“It could never happen to me”? The temptation is always there and we often embrace it. Realize that falling in love; and falling out of love happens. Describe ‘love’ however you like. We need relationships because relationships build our faith. Yet, sometimes relationships undermine our faith – never does a relationship remain neutral. Though culture pushes us away from God; God uses relationships to complete the miraculous. Where we help ourselves is in asking the questions, “How can my current relationships honor God”? And, “What harm can I expect if my relationships dishonor God”? Proverbs 13:20. We must create the potential for providential relationships. And, we must safeguard our present relationships awarded to us by God. However, when we reach the “falling in love” point in any relationship, we should ask God for wisdom to remain within His spiritual guidelines. If we fall in love in an unfavorable relationship, identify the fact, disconnect from the relationship, and decide favorably to give our heart to God. On down the line, we will fall in love again; and, hopefully we will decide to give your heart to God again. jd
Thanks Jim.
I was surprised to read recently about the orthodox Jewish idea that couples should not even touch each other before marriage. That includes no holding hands, which many Christians would see as acceptable behaviour for an engaged couple in church.
There again I should not be. I know when I was struggling to cope with a husband whose illness meant he felt he was too dirty to be touched that I was became like a dry cracked sponge. I would borrow someone else’s husband in a controlled environment to meet that need of being touched. I mean in a way that many of us would find acceptable within a church like an arm round the shoulder of a friend.
It is only now that I realise how dangerous I was to others. There again I had already learnt the dangers of talking or being with other people’s husbands without a chaperone and had broken some friendships as a result. I was determined not to make the same mistake again but when you are in a difficult situation you end up depending on others being strong to protect you from them.
In the end it was my now ex who decided to replace me before ending our marriage. Not having because you have been denied because someone is unable to be kind is quite different from not having because you have no one.
Susan
I have been divorced for years. If I need to feel human by physical contact I hold a baby in the nursery; I get a hug from one of my friends(female) or from one of my kids. It’s absolutely not appropriate to get it anywhere else. You have to imagine yourself 14 again or younger. If it isn’t appropriate for a 14 year old girl to be hugging or brushing up against some man then it isn’t for us either. Being lonely is no excuse. It doesn’t matter what the reason for the loneliness. I don’t want a nonchalant arm thrown around my shoulders and I don’t want uninterrupted eye contact with someone of the opposite sex either.
I see in your post your acknowledgement of your behavior but I also see excuses and some shifting by expecting others to help you protect you from yourself or them, I’m not clear on what you mean. I’m sorry if I seem harsh but the only way we can be safe is if we take 100% responsibility for our own purity and not pull an Adam and Eve of blaming other people.
Unfortunately one thing I kno and believe in is what the word of God says. He has given no man the right to judge. Is Susan is giving excuses what is your place to say she should not. If you deal with a problem one way others can choose to deal with it another way. At the end of the day nothing is new under the sun. God forgives all and He allows things to happen for a reason. In EVERYTHING give thanks to the Lord
I firmly believe the most dangerous words any Christian can say are, “It will never happen to me.” When you start thinking like that, chances are the devil has you right where he wants you.
That is so true Ken.
There again sometimes churches do things that are ill advised in this area. The new minister was in the process of selling his house and needed somewhere to stay until it was all sorted. His wife was packing up at one end and he was working at the other. It took 2 months to complete the sale due to some paperwork tangles. In the meantime he was horrified to be offered the possibility of staying with a single woman. He would never dream of visiting a woman on her own without a chaperone so the thought of temporarily living at the home of a single woman appalled him. He could not believe the church would put him in that kind of situation.
On the other hand In another situation the warning sign was that the father (an ordained evangelist) and daughter in law were very friendly. Next thing I know both couples disappear then after 2 or 3 weeks we are being told to be very gentle to a devastated young man who comes back to the church. He does not stay a member for very long. Too many memories I presume. A few years later I visit another church and bump into the father again with his new wife (i.e. his son’s ex-wife) and their son. A changed man who knew his mistakes had hurt a lot of people.
Painful stories Susan. Thanks for sharing.
The male equivalent to mistress is manstress. It is important to refer to the male equivalent, in my opinion, because it takes two for a relationship, good or bad. The mistress is no more deceptive than the manstress. The man is the priest of the local assembly, the angel of that house or place of worship, the under shepherd hopefully assigned by God. He is the authority figure to dismiss, distract the seducing woman and defend his marriage and family. Men, we women need you to demand our respect by respecting God’s Word and yourself.
Not riding alone with any woman (who is questionable) other than your wife is a respectful and God honoring thing to do. Never met you but you have my respect!
Thank you so much Gert.
Keep in mind that there are also many women pastors these days who are also “the priests of the local assembly”. And men are just as likely to seduce, often because it stems from an abuse of power, and to prey on women in times of stress,. I dislike your characterization of women at the seducers and men as the defenders. It goes both ways.
I cannot say enough about how important it is to establish clear standards for safety in relationships between staff members and between staff and church members. For example, no long-term counseling unless the person doing the counseling is licensed and under supervision. Don’t have schedule counseling sessions when you are alone in the building or at a remote location. I know there is a struggle to preserve confidentiality, but this is a safety issue, both to protect your relationships and your physical being from assault.
No legitimate church centered on the word of God would have a female as a pastor or priest. “Churches” that allow this are following the world… not the Word.
Read your bible again! Let the the holy spirit guide you and not your mind.
Amen!!!
Sorta hilarious. Churches are not following God’s word, period. Most local churches that is. “Go into the highways n byways n compel men to come…” “When I was in prison, you visited me…” Are you kidding me, the local church is a far cry from following Christ so uhmmmmm women preachers…oh well.
There is even a name for it and in some jurisdictions it is illegal. A minister is a powerful professional and it is much like a doctor-patient relationship, in that there is NO equal footing of power.
For a minister to use his or her position of power to fulfil unmet sexual needs at home should result in him removing himself or herself from the position of elder, or being struck off, if he (or she) can’t take full responsibility for the abuse of power in a relationship with an adult who has made herself (or himself) vulnerable to that professional’s pastoral care.
It is called Clery Sexual Misconduct, and it is most devastating to the victim. No sympathy for ministers who abuse their position.
http://www.baylor.edu/content/services/document.php/96038.pdf
You said it well. The women must respect themselves and then have the utmost respect for the man of God who preaches the word. If he doesn’t recognize the respect that she the member of the church ought to have for the Pastor, then that is a red flag for him. Then he too, will be aware of who intentionally is trying to get his attention with her ways around the people who are close to him. He is still a man of the flesh!
It would be wonderful to be able to teach or talk about the book Song of Solomon in the Bible. Relationships and dating right is not a sin when men do it right by asking the woman out having respect for each other and just have fun getting to know the other if both are single and Love the Lord and serving. Women must keep themselves like a Lady and carry herself that way! I feel that something has crept in over the past 25 years that has distort how marriage is honorable and the bed is undefiled. There could be beautiful relationships within the house of God amongst the people God! It’s not lost! Love is not Lost!
Excellent article that needs to plastered/emailed/taught to anyone working in ministry, not just pastors and staff. I’ve seen this happen time and time, again, and prayer and strength are needed, daily, for this issue.
So true.
I’ve heard one other but less often. Perhaps because of the raw honesty in it, “I thought I was special and could get away with it.”
Thanks Chuck.
I’ll never forget how I felt when I learned that my father was having an affair. The pain was intense and deep. I hope that all who read this take it to heart. The last words of this are very important, it seems that people who believe they wouldn’t do it are the most likely to fall. I know that I’ve always been of the opinion that if my dad could do it, so could I.
We need to all be asking God for help daily on this issue. Thanks for the work, Dr. Rainer.
Tom. –
I hurt just hearing your story. Thank you for your transparency.
The ripple effect is profound as well…extremely so with folks in ministry but also true in the secular world. The hurt continues for years to come even if there is reconciliation and forgiveness. I’m speaking this from a personal level. It’s like losing your virginity…you can never get that innocence back. With forgiven/reconciled relationships after infidelity…even if the wound is healed there is still a scar to remind folks. Makes me sad when I hear about people having affairs! They’ll always be found out!
It does have a far reaching ripple effect. Usually those in an affair think it is just about them and no one else’s business. But so many lives are affected and suffer from their choices. And though healing can occur through repentance, the scars of the consequence remain. It is a path better not taken. Keep the hedges up.
One more thought…”it could never happen to me” I heard a pastor say that when he hears that, he becomes concerned because the speaker is likeky not taking steps to guard himself.
Once again, Thom, you have written an excellent blog aimed @ pastors, but applies perfectly to non-clergy roles.
As lustful creatures ( some more than otners) we must take steps to guard our emotions, to protect our marriage, and to uphold God’s law.
Thank You.
Well said Steve. Thank you.
Thank you for posting this. I’ve been in two ministries where either a staff member or lead volunteer had affairs. They were devastating for the families, the church and the community. Praying EVERY church leader reads this and takes it seriously.
Thank you Joe.
has been bothering me for quite sometime. A Reverend from my church (not the Pastor) is and has been having an affair with a member. To me it seems to be tolerated by the Pastor on down, as the gracious wife sits with the utmost respect for the church. I too am married to one of the other Reverends (3 years) and found out he has an addiction to pornography. The Pastor is getting a divorce and I don’t see any healthy marriages there. Would I be justified in going to another church? I don’t think the women are valued or are the men being taught to value us. My husband is now being verbally abusive to me. Male chauvanism at is best!
Grace,
pray that God might shake the conscience of those brothers that are gone astray,if not I think is all too reasonable for you to leave a congregation where peoples behavior,who are openly living in sin,is not been dealt with by the pastor and the whole congregation at large. Please read 1corinthians 5.
Of course you should leave the church. If God is not there, why would you want to be there? Sin separates us from God.
You are witnessing abuse at many levels here. Emotional, Mental, sexual and Spiritual abuse
You are not surrounded by Godly pastors. Come out from among them!
This would not happen if the Holy Spirit had a daily presence in their lives. They need to start some super support groups that are run by some pretty strict clergy members. Chances are they won’t like the idea because the spirit of lust is spreading through the church like wildfire.
Grace, many churches have pastors, ect. who are in affairs ! One friend of mine went home early from his evening shift at work to catch his wife and pastor in the act. It seems that he was “counseling” several women in his church. He had convinced his wife that it was his calling to be out every night to counsel over 12 women and this counseling had been going on for years ! Pastors are just men, not god. They are just mortal men !!!
I abide in God and His Son Jesus my Lord and Savior not in pastors of churches or preachers. I have seen to many preachers and Christian pastors in my 65 years who were found to be closet drunks, adulterers, people who were more interested in a church who funded their pockets and egotists who thought and think because they have studied the word they can come into your family to teach you a better way to live personally and financially only to be searching for a way into your bank account.
I agree with your statement. I actually found this page tonight in a desperate search for answers. My situation is that I’m a single mom, working full-time and striving to be Christ like. In the middle of this …is a minister,Christian author of both e- books and hard back,… and local youth pastor , who found me on my professional website for my career and started to email me. At first it seemed very innocent, he went on and on about his ministry and asked me a lot of personal questions about myself. He also complimented me on my picture and told me how beautiful I was,… then he asked for my personal email so that we could talk further about God supposedly. Finally he asked me out on a date and I was broken as I found out he was a actually a married man/ dad of three. After he made sexual advances toward me and tried to show me disgusting pictures of his genitals, I told him I never wanted to him or hear from him again. 4 months he’s continued to try to email me but I do not open any emails anymore. Today I got the shock of my life when I got a gift box from Amazon that was delivered to my work. It included a card that definitely made romantic advances towards me and his first published” Christian book” on how to live a Christian life. It made me nauseous when I read the dedication to his wife and children it was such a bunch of baloney. Now I face… do I try to contact his wife and show her the gift and all of the emails and gross pictures he’s tried to send me over the months? What about the youth group that he’s working in? What if he is hitting on teenage girls? I am really Angry at his hypocrisy, and lies.
Tell her the truth.
The poor wife is ALWAYS the last to know and unfortunately everyone sees what is going on but never tells her. Wouldn’t you think you would want to know what a liar you were married to? More importantly, she needs some one to step up and help protect her. You have actual proof. Don’t bury it. He will have sick minded church people rally around him believing every word he says because he is an eloquent narcissist who will spin the situation on her. If you bury these facts, you are essentially burying her. How can you struggle with truth? Yes, the truth will cause pain, temporarily, but it will set her, her children and you, free.
How do i reach you? I think this is the same situation i have been in…sounds like the same man.
Yes, I would try and contact his wife and church congregation because like you said he working with youth. Some of theses youth wheather girls are boys are vulunable in their teenage years and I don’t want none of them to be hurt by this man who call himself a man of God!!! Please pray about it as well because his wife could already know and don’t care as long as she gets hers. Try the next person in line at the church. Find out what church he is leader of and go sit one day. Hope it all works out.
The bible does say to expose that the person may hopefully repent. All of those loves under him, it betrays them to not let them know. I too have had major hurt as several church friends had an affair with my then, pastor. It hurts. You lose friends and respect. The church no longer your safe haven. Thanks for sharing! God is so great. Warns us to beware of wolves. These are not all Good men of God having countless affairs. God says, Beware of wolves in sheep clothes!
I just read your comment today. I hope you exposed this crazy wolf in sheep’s clothing. It only takes one God fearing person to speak up and protect women from becoming his next victim. You know Truth. You call his Pastor and his wife, in that order, and don’t hold back. He’s out sleeping around and has probably.already brought home some dreaded STD to share with his precious unknowing wife.
Well, I have a different approach to the solution. Please, ask yourself these questions;
1. If I report this to the wife, what exactly do I want to gain?
What will you gain to report the situation to his wife in making her tempoarily or eternally sad which can lead her to be another single mum.
2. What is my aim/objective to expose the emotional affairs that took place between me and this man to his wife?
What is your motive to expose the emotional affairs that transpired between him and you to his wife. Do you think the wife can change him if at all he is into infidelities? What will happen to innocent men and women who did not even know what was going on until you exposed him. Assuredly, many will loose faith and you will be the real reason behind it.
3. Am I the real problem that the devil wants to use to derail this man?
Most times in life, we look at specks in others eyes without considering the log in our own eyes (Mat 7:5). Do you notice whether you are the one that possess unusal aura of attraction powerful enough to derail this man and you think all is well with you.
Having said these, I will suggest as follows;
a. If you are really committed to help the man and you have sorted yourself out that you are not the problem in this situation, then start the spiritual journey to help him by fasting and praying for him that God Almighty who only can arrest and change men even the hearts of Kings should touch him and change him.
Prayer points:
– Thank God for identifying you as an instrument to restore erring brother
– Thank God for helping you not to have compromised your faith and dwell in immoralities with him
– Thank God for He God has power to save and restore
– Pray and call the brother’s name that Almighty God will touch him and bring him to repentance and to be restored.
– Finally, let him know how you have prayed for him to be restored and that the good Lord will take over his life. Then warn him that you will monitor his spiritual life hence you will report him to the Church authority where he belong.
b. Befriend the wife and make her your prayer partner. Then you can know what she is going through. Organise prayer meeting online or physical to wage war against satanic activities to destroy homes. The man will eventually see you as the angel sent to restore his home.
Conclusively, I am of the opinion that we should deal with things spiritually rather than physical or superficial way. The institution marriage was design, coded, installed and implemented by Jehovah God. It is the major institution that the devil battles day and night to destroy. If the devil successfully destroy a marriage, he is happy that the plans and mission of Almighty is destrupted.
Therefore, we should not take it as a mere reporting or exposing the man so as not to be implementing demonic plans against his marriage.
Shalom
Yup, the predators are counting on such a soft approach, and even encouraging the victim to think maybe it was their own fault! This is a spiritual battle, indeed, and we need to be sober minded and vigilant. Do as the scriptures state: go to the brother alone, first. If he doesn’t acknowledge and repent, then go back with another brother and confront him again. If he still doesn’t repent, bring it before the church council. Don’t be apologetic! Young lives are being destroyed, faith is destroyed, the spirit is quenched, and the damage is devastating. But the key to this type of ministry is ‘go in humility, lest thou likewise be tempted.’ No one is above temptation. But Christ has made a way to escape, and we can overcome by the Blood of the Lamb, and by the Word of our testimony. Love the Lord your God with your WHOLE heart, mind, soul and body, and love your neighbor as yourself. But don’t pander to the predator, he/she is sick, and needs to be helped, not enabled.
Amen
Hello,
Is there a problem holding people accountable? I don’t think so! I mean, as stated the man of God preaching the word of God is not convicted as he continues to stand and Preach the word and supposedly continue infidelity. No one say anything because the exposure of him may reveal the motive of the one who wants to warn the wife and the husband conceals this lie. The point of Scripture is to expose the person. They are not above accountability. They are still men who were called by God to preach. Not to blatantly live in sexual sin with another. The holy spirit could have convicted him and he not listening. Now someone knows about and so just leave it alone and don’t say anything? Really! Well, I guess that’s why people around him may keep that ubder wraps amongst themselves. Not good! Unless God sits him down then what’s next? Hold accountable to restore them. He will be alright. If not, condoning his actions snd being an enabler is just as bad! Hold accountable! They need counselling and repent of their actions. Be the husband of one woman(Spouse)….not many women (Spouses)!
Totally disagree. I was a pastors wife. Legally I am still married until we can divorce. In the country I live in you have to be separated for a year before divorcing. I was with my husband for 23 years. Before entering ministry he had cheated. I forgave him and tried to work on our marriage. I am 43 years old. I was married to a narcissist and was gaslighted continuously to the point my self-esteem was completely eroded. I would of appreciated someone telling me my husband was cheating instead of living with lies and manipulation. At one point when we separated I was so low that I contemplated that my life was not worth living. I respect the woman who commented and you are advising. I respect her because she did not fall victim to that pastor and had the integrity to consider letting the wife know. I loved my husband so much, I waited for the day he would change. He blamed me for everything, he put me in life threatening situations that church members would be shocked to know. A pastor has the power to take advantage of vulnerable people. My husband triangulated me with the other women, church members etc. It is a form of emotional abuse many don’t understand. I have four children to this man. He has completely rejected his children and is nasty. I have helped him my entire life, I knew that something was wrong and kept telling him we need to seek help from a professional. I said we can’t help others unless we address our families problems. He has been gone eight months now and is living with this woman who was a church member. Please you don’t know anything, you may boast you are a doctor but seriously you are giving damaging advice. I have prayed and prayer is the only thing that can help the cheating pastor. But ultimately the pastor chooses his path. I did report my husband after being threatened that he is going to kill me. He lost his job. I never wanted him to suffer, so I did not report him but after his relentless bullying and emotional abuse and stalking. I had enough of it. He would preach about love to the congregation and the importance of parenting while he was cheating and treating me and my children so meanly. A pastor knows that it is wrong. Some pastors use there position to justify there actions such as there wife is not good enough. Of course there are partners that are deceptive or abusive but I am talking about people who are genuine people who get hurt by people in powerful positions. I felt tremendous guilt reporting him, but the hypocrisy was too much. I had been silent for many years dealing with blame and guilt. I was never good enough. I am now on the road to recovery. I remained close to God. I listen to his positive affirming words and I am starting to rebuild my confidence.
Leave him fast. He’s already cheating. That’s why he’s disrespecting you
It looks like you posted this 4 years ago, so I have no idea how things have played out since then, but here’s the advice I would give you — CALL THE POLICE, and press charges! If you still have the pics of his genitals, you have evidence of sexual harassment. He also continued to email you after you asked him to leave you alone — that can also be used to press charges. I know this could turn into a headache for you and your family, as well as bring pain to his family, but people need to understand that they can’t get away with this crap. The more frequently these men are forced to deal with justice for their actions, the more confidence victims in similar situations will have to come forward as well.
Also, if this man is doing this to you, there’s a strong possibility he’s harassing other women as well. You’re helping these other women by reporting him.
Wow! The world would be so much more Peaceful if there were more Men with your high Consciousness! Your dedication is truly Beautiful!!
I have questions but one I really need-answer I am Pentecostal absotical. We have a member that’s cheating on his-wife so is he brought it to the pastor he putting him out the church saying he will not have people’s knowing he are we allows that mess in our church I thank he should not have a position in there but to put him out completely hurts me and I feel it’s wrong help me to u understand please
I just broke up with a SR Pastor after 2 years and 1 month affair. I personal called his wife and told her what kind the Jerks he is. He was was lying to me telling me that she was dying from breast cancer and a lot of stuff. He took me to his church one day after no one was there to promise me that as soon as he get retired he was going to be with me and anything he said was true. This men still PREACHING at his church, but because i respect his family that is not their fault to have a Jerk father., i promised that i will never reveal his name.
Outstanding!
And then, there is the grooming process.
https://youtu.be/32iVyVVta2s