The conversation is always sad, always tragic. The pastor who left his church after a two-year affair with another church member. The student pastor who has been out of vocational ministry since he had a brief sexual encounter with his assistant.
I have spoken with countless numbers of these men and women. And each time I am reminded of how much I need to love God with all my heart, and to be totally devoted to my wife.
Though the conversations are both sad and tragic, I do learn from them. And after dozens, perhaps a few hundred, of these conversations, I see patterns. These patterns become warning signs for any of us, lest we be so naïve to think we have no vulnerabilities.
Because the conversations were informal, I cannot say for certain which among them were the most frequent warning signs. So I provide them in no particular order.
- “I neglected my family.” Church work can become a deceitful mistress (I struggle to find the male equivalent of the word). We become so consumed with our ministry that we neglect our families. But 1 Timothy 3:5 is clear that our families are our first ministries.
- “I had no system of accountability.” Unfortunately, most churches do not have clear guidelines for accountability. That does not excuse any of us from making sure that we have such self-imposed guidelines, and that our spouses know about them as well.
- “It began in counseling.” Sometimes the word “transference” is used to describe what can happen in counseling. The counselor or counselee becomes the object of attraction instead of one’s spouse. One or both of the parties see the other as something his or her spouse should be.
- “My co-worker and I began to confide in one another on a deep level.” The conversations between two people who work together become ones that should be restricted to the marital relationship. At this point, an emotional affair has already begun. Physical intimacy is usually not far away.
- “I began neglecting my time in prayer and daily Bible reading.” I am reticent to make a blanket statement, but I have never met a person who was praying and reading his or her Bible daily that became involved in an affair. Prayer and time in the Word are intimacy with God that precludes inappropriate intimacy with someone of the opposite gender.
- “He or she made me feel so good about myself.” In marriage, neither party thinks the spouse is perfect; at least it is rare. The danger happens when one becomes a hero to someone of the opposite gender. The good feelings that come with accolades or even adulation can become sexual attractions and traps that end in an affair.
- “It began on a trip together.” When a man and woman travel to the same destination for a work event, conference, or a convention, safeguards need to be established at the onset. A system of accountability, whether informal or formal, can break down when a man and woman are out of town together. Call me old fashioned, but I won’t ever travel in the car alone with a woman other than my wife (even at my old age).
The conversation is always sad, always tragic. And do you know what the most common theme I’ve heard in all of these conversations?
“I never thought this would happen to me.”
Sobering indeed.
Posted on January 29, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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201 Comments
Very important insight: pastors must nurture their primary relationships and guard their boundaries with congregants and staff members. But please remember that when a pastor becomes sexually involved with a congregant or staff member, it is not an affair — it is an abuse of power. Because of the power differential, it is impossible for the congregant or staffer to give meaningful consent. Pastors who violate boundaries may feel shame or may even lose their jobs — but their victims suffer far more. Victims of clergy sexual abuse can suffer depression, self-harm, eating disorders, PTSD, broken marriages, loss of faith, or even suicide.
You’re essentially saying it’s always the pastor’s fault. I can’t accept that. I don’t always agree with Dr. Phil McGraw, but he has a saying that I think is appropriate here: “No matter how thin you make a pancake, it still has two sides.”
It is the pastor’s responsibility to hold the line, no matter what.
Unless the woman is in a coma she bears the responsibility just as much. If she is actively pursuing a man when she knows that he is taken or even if he isn’t taken that isn’t the way she is supposed to be behaving. She doesn’t get to play victim. There is a reason for Proverbs 7 and I certainly wouldn’t want to be the woman that is spoken of in that way. God does not speak of her as a victim and men have been warned about her so they have no excuse.
Now, my sons, listen to me, and pay attention to the words of my mouth.
Don’t let your heart turn aside to her ways; don’t stray onto her paths.
For she has brought many down to death; her victims are countless.
Her house is the road to Sheol, descending to the chambers of death.
This does not hold true for pastoral/parishioner relationships. God will hold clergy responsible when they abuse their authority by engaging in a relationship with a person they were called to protect. This article is detrimental to the cause of clergy sexual abuse, undermining the grave sin caused by a spiritual leader when he/she chooses to feed themselves over the flock they are to care for.
I agree a pastor should hold the line, and should be held accountable if he does not. However, a woman who makes advances toward him is hardly an “innocent victim”.
Ken, those who are led or forced into a relationship with spiritual leaders rarely seduce. But, even if someone makes advances toward clergy, it is still the leaders responsibility to keep appropriate boundaries. A pastor should be strong, mature, and godly in order to withstand an advance made to them. There is a vulnerability factor along with an imbalance of power that must be understood. I pray the church realizes this truth and stops blaming victims, God’s Kingdom is suffering greatly as a result.
It is always the pastors responsibility to keep appropriate boundaries. They are in a position of authority and are fully responsible if a relationship forms with a member of their congregation.
I’m not denying the pastor’s responsibility in matters like this, but it still takes two to tango. A woman who makes advances toward the pastor is just as much to blame as he is. To argue otherwise is to advocate a double standard.
I’m glad you acknowledge the pastor’s responsibility, Ken.
Re the “double standard” you mention: it’s true, we do hold clergy to a higher standard. We expect clergy to model for us a godly life, morally and spiritually. We give clergy access into private spaces (our homes, our hospital rooms) that we would not give to ordinary laypeople. We trust clergy to guide us in difficult personal situations, and we trust them to lead our children and youth in their faith journeys. We make financial sacrifices to pay our clergy. We address clergy with titles of honor (Reverend, Pastor, etc).
Because of the trust and respect that we give to clergy, we have a right to hold our pastors responsible to stand firm, uphold their vows, and not take advantage even when a congregant makes advances. So, yes, there is a double standard, and there should be. Any pastor who don’t want to be held to a higher standard (I am not talking about you; obviously you try to live up to what we expect of clergy) should not be in the profession.
“I’m glad you acknowledge the pastor’s responsibility, Ken.”
Thank you, but it would be nice if you’d acknowledge the responsibility of the woman with whom he’s had the affair. Suppose the pastor was female and had an affair with a male congregant? Suppose the male congregant had initiated the encounter? Would you be as willing to absolve him from all guilt? Like it or not, adultery is a sin for both men and women, pastors and laity.
If I read my Bible correctly, sexual immorality is a sin for EVERYONE, not just clergy. If a woman makes advances toward her pastor, shouldn’t she also be held accountable or not? Why does no one want to answer that question?
The blame should be on the past the pastor is represented by God to teach the people’s correct kind of in the church and also correct kind of concerned there if he’s tempted by someone in the church he should be able to resist that temptation
“God will hold clergy responsible when they abuse their authority by engaging in a relationship with a person they were called to protect. ”
It takes two to commit adultery. If my Bible is correct, God will hold them both responsible.
The Pastor is responsible his duty is to preach the word of God to save sinners they must also understand what the designs on them when a pastor preach his summer he should have poet that whole issue and that issue is what he should live by in the sight of God.
Words like “adultery,” “affair,” “relationship,” etc., typically take the forefront when an adult is abused. Let’s be clear: You are not having an affair with your pastor. These are improper words to describe what happens in this type of situation. The “relationship” between a pastor and his congregant (or counselor/counselee, etc.) is NOT an “affair”—it is ABUSE. Due to the imbalance of power in the relationship between Pastor/Congregant (Teacher/Student, Counselor/Counselee, etc.), there can be no mutual consent to any type of intimate behavior or sexual activity. In fact, a woman who has been victimized in the past (either during her childhood or in other ways) may find that she is, in effect, virtually UNABLE to WITHHOLD consent. She may feel, due to circumstances, that she is not free to refuse any unwanted sexual advances. In reality, she may be subconsciously re-enacting her earlier abuse (by someone else) in the situation with the pastor, especially if the pastor is much older than she is and if he is not someone she would ever be attracted to if it were not for his power, age and authority over her. Pastoral sexual abuse doesn’t always occur due to transference. Sometimes it happens simply because the pastor is a sexual predator. The abuse is more than just a physical or emotional abuse. When a pastor (or elder or anyone seen as a spiritual leader in the church) betrays his sacred trust, it is spiritual abuse as well, spiritual adultery, if you will.
I agree that a pastor who indulges in sexual immorality breaks a sacred trust, but to call it “abuse” is a stretch. In the first place, if the pastor’s wish is your command, then I’d say you’re involved in a cult and not a church (the only person in the church that has absolute authority is Jesus). Second, the pastor is not always the aggressor. Many women are taken in by the pastor’s supposed godliness and fancy themselves as ideal mates for him. Before I was married, I had a woman in my church that set her sights on me. I didn’t have the slightest interest in her, and I started keeping a healthy distance from her just to be safe, so nothing happened. Don’t tell me the pastor bears sole responsibility in a situation like that.
Ken, I salute you for keeping a healthy distance from the woman in your church who wanted to date you. Unfortunately, some pastors don’t have your integrity or self-discipline. If you had been a lesser man, you might have taken advantage, and it would have been an abuse of power — so Kimberly is right to use that word. Even if the congregant makes the first move, the pastor is responsible for holding the line. If a congregant offers himself or herself sexually, a good pastor will recognize this as a sign of woundedness and vulnerability, rather than as a legitimate invitation. A good pastor will try to help the congregant, not by offering long-term counseling (this could be harmful for both parties) but by connecting the congregant with other resources for healing.
Again — thank you for doing the right thing.
“If a congregant offers himself or herself sexually, a good pastor will recognize this as a sign of woundedness and vulnerability, rather than as a legitimate invitation.”
Essentially you’re saying that the congregant should always be treated as a victim and the pastor should always be treated as the perpetrator. I’m sorry, but I can’t accept that kind of double standard.
“Essentially you’re saying that the congregant should always be treated as a victim and the pastor should always be treated as the perpetrator.”
That sort of double standard is pretty common in textbooks on the subject now (Grenz & Bell’s Betrayal of Trust, for example). Most of the focus is upon male-pastor-aggressor-victimizer and female-laity-passive-victim, which does play into enduring modern social roles. There is precious little thought given to other combinations of responsibility, such as male-laity-passive-victim and female-clergy-aggressor-victimizer.
The thinking seems to be that the exact opposite of the social roles of single men and women. Whereas in traditional social roles, it was (and is) expected that the male will initiate sexual advances and the duty of the female is to resist; in a clergy-laity exchange, the expectation seems to be–at least some of the time, and definitely in most of the casebook examples–that the female laity will initiate sexual advances and it is the duty of the male clergy to resist.
The implications in both situations are that the responsibility lies with the passive partner in the exchange.
Thank you for bringing up this important point. It’s not the same as a “typical affair”- it just isn’t.
Recovery is also more difficult, or at least different, for the person who has been in this situation with her pastor.
In the churches I’ve been a part of, there’s been huge emphasis on Pastor’s protecting themselves from the “strange woman” (which is great), but no instruction whatsoever on what you should do if you are the woman and a leader has done or said something inappropriate toward you. You’d think it would all feel very logical to take the correct steps to report it, but when you’re in that situation, and it’s someone you’ve trusted on that spiritual level, it’s a whole lot more overwhelming and complex. I think there’s also an assumption of “I must have misunderstood”, or “how could I think such a thing about Him?”…confusion and lack of being educated on what to do when you’re in this situation is devastating.
Clergy sexual abuse and misconduct (including spiritual abuse) is wrong. It is the pastor’s (or any other person in the role of authority) responsibility to maintain appropriate boundaries.
http://www.thehopeofsurvivors.com/
A ministry of compassion providing support, hope and encouragement for victims of clergy sexual abuse and misconduct.
Facts vs. Lies
Lie 1: Sexual abuse (in this form) is rare and almost unheard of in the U.S.
Fact 1: Sexual abuse and abuse of power in these types of situations is all too common, even epidemic in our country and around the world. Unfortunately, most of the men who violate the appropriate boundaries are “repeat” offenders who continually exploit woman after woman.
Very sobering lists, a pastor should check this list regularly to see if any of the items are currently true and see to it that there’s serious change. Thank you for this Thom.
Why blame it on demons? The real responsibility falls on a brutally exploitive system that turns clergymen into rock stars and superhumans, strips them of all possible coping mechanisms, demonizes them as showing “weakness” when they try to reach out for help, then blames them when their inevitable human needs finally roar out of their suppressed little holes.
I don’t honestly know how I could write a script for drama, scandals, and heartbreaking burnout that’d do a better job than 90% of the Christian churches in America. I don’t know why so many of these men are shocked when they fall like this. They’re just people, and that’s what happens to people who deny their needs and don’t have good coping mechanisms and support networks in place. The whole system could use a major overhaul–but I don’t think most Christians would let that happen. They need their leaders to be superhuman rock stars. I saw that myself when I was in the religion, married to a minister who was not, let us just say, one of the good ones. The predators among Christians find this system very useful, while the good folks in it get chewed up and spit out.
There is no such thing as good folk. We are all sinners. No good guys or bad guys like the movies tell you. Only those that are redeemed and those that are still lost. As soon as we forget that then Satan has struck another blow to slow us down. He can’t take us down but he certainly can steal your joy. Both Jesus and Paul tell us to look at ourselves first before we point fingers. And any time we let bitterness take root the one that suffers the most is ourselves. Though I’m sure there are people around us that will be relieved when we die to get a break from it.
Dr. Rainer,
Spot on. Well written. Enjoyed this.
For 12 years, I’ve had the same “accountability partner.” This constant accountability has blessed my marriage, family, and ministry. Accountability involves tough talks almost daily. A few weeks ago, I was at Southeastern Baptist theological seminary for a week of doctoral seminars. Each night, my accountability partner called and asked me what I did hour by hour in my spare time. It was refreshing each night knowing I would get that call.
Ministers need accountability. The absence of it can produce dangerous outcomes in any ministry.
Thanks for this.
You are a wise man Dave. And your wife is blessed to be married to you.
In the blog you misuse the term “transference.” Transference does not mean an attraction, necessarily. Transference is the redirection of feelings and desires and especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood toward a new object. Transference also only applies from the client to the counselor. Counter-transference speaks to the redirection of feelings from the counselor to the client. Please do some basic research next time.
You are correct in its usage in psychotherapy. It is a word also used in general vernacular to mean a redirection of feelings from one person to another.
In 2014, risks also include inappropriate communication, photos and even cyber-harassment. Any or all equally devastating, and just as potentially emotionally-involving. And damaging to “the Body”, it seems to me.
This is an area that there is no such thing as being “too careful”. A leader should NEVER be alone with the opposite sex without the proper checks and balances in place. If you love and value your spouse, family, local Church, and relationship with God, then no meeting that is without accoutability factors is worth having period.
Amen!
I personally believe there is no sin I wouldn’t be able to commit under the right set of circumstances. I never want to believe I’m invulnerable. Great post!