The conversation is always sad, always tragic. The pastor who left his church after a two-year affair with another church member. The student pastor who has been out of vocational ministry since he had a brief sexual encounter with his assistant.
I have spoken with countless numbers of these men and women. And each time I am reminded of how much I need to love God with all my heart, and to be totally devoted to my wife.
Though the conversations are both sad and tragic, I do learn from them. And after dozens, perhaps a few hundred, of these conversations, I see patterns. These patterns become warning signs for any of us, lest we be so naïve to think we have no vulnerabilities.
Because the conversations were informal, I cannot say for certain which among them were the most frequent warning signs. So I provide them in no particular order.
- “I neglected my family.” Church work can become a deceitful mistress (I struggle to find the male equivalent of the word). We become so consumed with our ministry that we neglect our families. But 1 Timothy 3:5 is clear that our families are our first ministries.
- “I had no system of accountability.” Unfortunately, most churches do not have clear guidelines for accountability. That does not excuse any of us from making sure that we have such self-imposed guidelines, and that our spouses know about them as well.
- “It began in counseling.” Sometimes the word “transference” is used to describe what can happen in counseling. The counselor or counselee becomes the object of attraction instead of one’s spouse. One or both of the parties see the other as something his or her spouse should be.
- “My co-worker and I began to confide in one another on a deep level.” The conversations between two people who work together become ones that should be restricted to the marital relationship. At this point, an emotional affair has already begun. Physical intimacy is usually not far away.
- “I began neglecting my time in prayer and daily Bible reading.” I am reticent to make a blanket statement, but I have never met a person who was praying and reading his or her Bible daily that became involved in an affair. Prayer and time in the Word are intimacy with God that precludes inappropriate intimacy with someone of the opposite gender.
- “He or she made me feel so good about myself.” In marriage, neither party thinks the spouse is perfect; at least it is rare. The danger happens when one becomes a hero to someone of the opposite gender. The good feelings that come with accolades or even adulation can become sexual attractions and traps that end in an affair.
- “It began on a trip together.” When a man and woman travel to the same destination for a work event, conference, or a convention, safeguards need to be established at the onset. A system of accountability, whether informal or formal, can break down when a man and woman are out of town together. Call me old fashioned, but I won’t ever travel in the car alone with a woman other than my wife (even at my old age).
The conversation is always sad, always tragic. And do you know what the most common theme I’ve heard in all of these conversations?
“I never thought this would happen to me.”
Sobering indeed.
Posted on January 29, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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201 Comments
My wife has had an affair with our pastor. She says it has only been an emotional one but who knows. Additionally she also works at our church. Do i expose them – we live in a small community and I fear for the turmoil my kids would go through. They love going to that church – youth group and all the activities. It is over for us and are headed towards a divorce – we have tried counseling but it has become clear that she is not in love with me and she blames all of her infidelity on me and not meeting her needs. I have worked hard trying to provide for my family and this is my reward. Unfortunately, she had an emotional affair with one of our musicians in our previous church 7 years ago – we seemed to have gotten past that – more forget then forgive – I should have left then. I stayed I think for our kids. Now once again – new church same result but worse in many aspects.
I struggle daily with wanting to expose him, tell his wife, tell the elders and deacons but for what purpose.
Just needed to get it out there
from the SBC… Southwest Seminar
http://www.familyandcommunityministries.org/journal/article.php?articleid=26
Kimberly, I was thinking about the unwillingness for pastors to understand the abuse of power and one reason may be due to their fear of falling themselves. They don’t want to take responsibility IF they happen to sin by abusing their authority. I spoke to 2 pastors at my church and both of them were open to hearing the dynamics of CSA and both of them understood the abuse of power but only because they were willing to hear me. They understand their roles as leaders and know the responsibility is totally in their hands. They are humble leaders which is what God desires. The article you posted has great information on CSA and reasons why it is not an affair. Thank you for sharing it here. Praying those who read it are open to hearing the truth and find understanding.
Clergy Sexual Abuse – A survivor’s story….
http://www.thehopeofsurvivors.com/stories/hope_renewed.php
An essay from a man abused by his woman pastor….
11 Reasons Why Pastors Should Never Date Their Parishioners—Erik Campano
found at http://www.thehopeofsurvivors.com/news_notes/11_Reasons_Never_To_Date.php
How about this? In a case where a pastor has an “affair” or adultery, or whatever, with a congregant, two wrongs are committed. One is the fault of both participants. That would be the intimate behavior. The other would be the fault of the pastor, in that he or she has violated the trust of the Lord and the congregation in respect to his/her ministerial duties and call.
Putting aside the abuse issue for a moment. You made a great point, Gary, in talking about the betrayal of trust. The pastor betrayed the trust of the woman (he was still her pastor), her husband (he was his pastor), her children (he was their pastor) and the entire congregation. Who’s trust did the woman break? Not the church because she didn’t have a leadership/trust position; not the pastor (because he was the leader). She may have betrayed her husband and children (depending on the force of the relationship) but the pastor always holds responsibility in keeping appropriate boundaries. Not only did the pastor abuse his power, but he also took advantage of a vulnerable person. It’s a very complex issue which is why THOS works endlessly to educate the church, hoping awareness leads to prevention. The damage is extensive and THOS believes if the church realizes the abuse of power issue, it will lessen the impact.
Gary, I can agree with everything you said. I’ve repeatedly stated that the pastor should be held responsible for getting involved in any kind of adulterous relationship. He does indeed betray a serious trust. What I can’t accept is the argument that the congregant is always an innocent victim. I’ve been a Baptist pastor for almost 19 years, and I’ve known many congregants who openly despise the concept of “pastoral authority”, and boast about who they can “think for themselves”, Yet if one of these same church members has an adulterous affair with the pastor, they want to say it’s all his fault for “abusing his authority”? Who are they kidding? They can’t have it both ways.
Ken, you cannot dismiss a position of authority simply because someone refuses to submit. The Bible says to submit to all governing authorities yet if someone chooses to be a free thinker and not submit, that does not take away the position of authority of the government. If a student does not submit to a teacher, that does not dismiss the teacher’s authority. If an employee does not submit to her supervisor, that does not dismiss the boss’s authority. If a congregant doesn’t submit to the pastor’s authority, that does not dismiss the authority you inherently have in being a pastor. A pastor has more information, more responsibility, more authority, and more knowledge over a congregant, That makes a pastor a leader, and always responsible to keep appropriate boundaries. A big problem with this issue has been greatly affected by our President having ‘nonsexual’ relations with his intern. That was a total breach of trust and completely the responsibility of our president to keep boundaries. He was her boss and in a very powerful position. That incident caused people to become desensitized to the clear abuse of power found in leaders and trickled down to the church. A leader is always responsible to keep appropriate boundaries. I learned that in college in the area of social work. Counselors are taught that in college, over and over and over, that they are 100% responsible to keep healthy boundaries and when those boundaries are broken, it is the worker’s doing. How much more should a spiritual leader be held fully accountable, being a representative of Jesus Christ. Please understand that there is a grooming process that goes on behind the scenes that people do not see. Women are not coming on to pastors as much as people might believe. But again, even if they do, they need help from their representative of Jesus, not harmed. I continue praying for the church to realize the dynamics of CSA.
Amen! amen!
Grooming is an “art” few understand!
My sons were groomed by a gay older male cousin. Their mom interfened!
Grooming is sly & subtle& you really don t have a clue it is happening
If you did, it would not be grooming
So you are saying all women are simpletons with minds like children that are incapable of being the groomer. Incapable of using a ruse of emotional vulnerability when they decide they deserve that man more. I have sat and listened to divorced women in church talk about how they deserve to have a marriage like the ones they are seeing around them. That is the first step to being a predator. As soon as you think you have a right to something that is the first step to sin. You don’t have to have any position or power to have that sin as Eve showed us.
Melody, Thanks for bringing some wisdom to this conversation. Well said.
Yes, grooming is a huge component of CSA that few understand. Melody, a woman can be the predator but she has to be in a position of authority as well. We’ve been talking about a man being the predator simply because those are the majority of cases. However, a woman can also use her position of authority to abuse someone under her care. It’s happened with women teachers, counselors, and spiritual leaders. Whatever the gender, abuse can and does happen by both men and women. The damage done today is due to the thoughts shown on this thread and I will continue to pray for the eyes of the church to be opened to the truths of CSA. Why not read the survivor stories on The Hope of Survivors site and see how the grooming process works and hear the voices of shattered hearts from those abused. You will also find men and women who survived and are working toward making a change for future victims which is a part of the healing process. Try not to blame those who were used in a most horrific way, by representatives of Jesus Christ. It will be better for that person to have a millstone tied to his/her neck and thrown into a lake than to cause a little one of His (little one includes vulnerable and wounded) to sin. If anyone wants more information on the truths of Clergy Sexual Abuse, see http://www.thehopeofsurvivors.com
The same Bible that commands us to submit to authority also says, “Thou shalt not commit adultery” and “Flee fornication.” Why is one command binding on the congregant and not the others? Remember when people brought a woman to Jesus and said they’d caught her in the act of adultery? People have rightly asked why they only brought the woman and not the man (I believe Jesus noticed that, too, and that’s why He was suspicious of their motives). You seem to be doing the exact same thing by laying all the blame on the pastor and absolving the congregant.
You don’t have to convince me that the pastor is guilty in such cases. I’ve acknowledged that point many times already. I don’t accept your premise that the congregant is always a victim in such cases. Every time I raise that question, you just go back to the issue of the pastor’s responsibility. Why is the congregant not responsible? Is responsibility a one-way street? Quite frankly, you sound like you’re more interested in revenge than justice.
Ken,
You are not going to win this argument with these women because you are dealing with a “victim” mentality that likely comes from a root of bitterness. Women who have been abused or who take up the offense of others sometimes develop a hatred for men. While it is understandable, and I am certainly sympathetic toward anyone who has been abused, the reality is the bitterness won’t go away until they see it for what it is and repent. None of your comments, nor any of mine, deny the responsibility of the pastor. In fact, I said if he fails in this regard he has disqualified himself from the ministry, even if some woman threw herself at him. However, you can clearly see now that by the logic of the “victim” crowd any circumstance where the man has authority of some sort, he is entirely to blame. But godly men must know and be aware of the dangers because the Lord has plainly warned us in Proverbs 5 – 9. Ken, you know these verses, but here is a sampling: “the lips of an immoral woman, … Her feet go down to death, Her steps lay hold on hell, … remove your way far from her, … rejoice with the wife of your youth, … For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman … a seductress? … And there a woman met him, with the attire of a … crafty harlot, she was loud and rebellious, Her feet would not stay home. … Her house is the way to hell. … A foolish woman is clamorous; She is simple, and knows nothing. … he does not know that the dead are there, That her guests are in the depths of hell.” I think it’s pretty clear that the woman in this case is culpable. You and I both know that abuse by clergy is an awful and despicable thing. I don’t have a percentage (no one does) of the number of pastors committing adultery who were the perpetrators but I would argue that is the case most of the time. But that doesn’t change the fact that there are some situations where the woman is as much or more to blame. When the woman is to blame it in no way absolves a pastor of his responsibility to do right no matter what. But it does take two to tango. It only takes one to rape or abuse, but it takes two to tango. The wisdom to know the difference and apply the grace of God to such circumstances is something all pastors need. It is found, at least in part, in the book of Proverbs. I have had the sad task of meeting with pastors and working toward reconciliation and restoration when they have failed. I have heard their stories and Thom’s warnings all too often ring true. You and I would be the first to hold such a man accountable. He can be reconciled to his wife, he can be restored to his walk with Christ – I do not believe he can be restored to his ministry, but that’s another subject altogether. But if the woman was one of the kind described in Proverbs she is guilty as sin and needs to be held accountable as well. Well, I’m preaching to the choir my friend. One last thought. A fellow pastor and I were counseling a man who was having some difficulty getting the victory over his urges. He said to us, “it’s the women in this county.” My pastor friend replied, “Son, the Devil has women like that in every county.” It is a spiritual warfare and we must remain on guard.
BT, once again, I agree with all you said about keeping on guard; believe me, I do! I really get put out with this constant “victim mentality” that we see all over society today. I can understand holding a pastor accountable for an affair, but I cannot understand absolving the congregant with whom he had the affair from all guilt. I’ve known pastors who’ve had affairs with women and try to put all the blame on them. I loathe such a shirking of responsibility for one’s actions, so why would I approve when it’s the other way around? It seems so obvious to you and me, but some people just refuse to understand. Incidentally, I also understand your point about not being able to talk sense to people with a victim mentality, but you can’t blame me for trying, huh?
To Melody, all I can say is BRAVO! So many women (and men, for that matter) want to have it both ways. They claim they can think for themselves, and yet they always want to be the victim. They constantly remind the pastor of his biblical responsibilities, but they don’t want to talk about their own. As BT said, thanks for bringing some wisdom to this conversation!
Ken, if a woman has a relationship with another man who is married and they are equal in terms of levels of position, it is an affair. There is a difference when it involves a leader. God holds leaders to a higher standard, in His Word. All leaders, whether spiritual or not, are always responsible to keep boundaries. The adulteress spoken of in the Bible was not used by her pastor. However, in Ezekiel, God highly condemns any shepherd who uses the flock for his own satisfaction. A shepherd’s role is to care for, lead, and guide the flock, not use it for his own satisfaction. The adulteress woman does not apply to your scenario. If a woman has a relationship with another congregant, that would be considered an affair. A leader cannot have relations with someone under his or her care.
I have read the comments. Thank you Brother Tom for cautioning the spiritual leader in these areas. Anyone who has had the oversight of pastors has likely had his or her heart broken over the careless actions of spiritual leaders (including lay leaders). I have worked as a chaplain in the criminal justice system for over two decades. This issue has (at least) two sides: the moral/spiritual side and the forensic side. Except in the cases of forcible rape, the likelyhood of consensual involvement is assumed in the Scriptures. On the forensic or legal side of the coin, a leader’s actions with a minor are always considered to be the fault of the leader! Leaders beware!!! In other cases where the other party is not a minor, the sole culpability of the leader is probably not assumed; but may be brought in as a factor.
The discussion of culpability should not assume the moral/spiritual side of the argument any more than it assumes the forensic side.
Churches should have windows in doors. Counselors should not assume the innocence of the counseled to the exclusion of safeguards.
“Victims” may very well be predators in disguise.
The leader’s vehicle should always have someone besides the leader and the minor passenger or the adult passenger of the opposite sex.
The opposite sex comment may be short sighted.
Great post. I would think at least three if not all the seven warning signs are elements for all of the fallen in the battle field. Vulnerability and naivety are perhaps not on the mind of selection committee when thinking who is the next pastor. What I seemed to have missed in the following comments was a connection to the Matthew 18 passage that talks of showing a person their fault and seeking to restore. I know, in the case of a pastor that is a very difficult matter when trust is betrayed – either to show their fault and if there a good process, some level of restoration. However the point I make is that the whole church needs to be educated of the need to be vigilant and wise. It seems easy to blame the pastor, less easy to blame the co-offender and very difficult to blame all the others from the church and in other connected Christian circles that have keep silent when they could have said something to prevent a train wreck. Are not all believers priests? Accountability, transparency and honesty are all elements for pastors and believers – as the body of Christ.
Except for the grace of God, I would have been a statistic. I saw several of the warning signs that I should have recognized. No accountability and confiding in a female coworker almost were my downfall. God was gracious and kept me from taking that fatal step of infidelity, and my ministry would have been over. Thanks for this article. I hope that it will keep some other staff member and/or pastor from falling.