The conversation is always sad, always tragic. The pastor who left his church after a two-year affair with another church member. The student pastor who has been out of vocational ministry since he had a brief sexual encounter with his assistant.
I have spoken with countless numbers of these men and women. And each time I am reminded of how much I need to love God with all my heart, and to be totally devoted to my wife.
Though the conversations are both sad and tragic, I do learn from them. And after dozens, perhaps a few hundred, of these conversations, I see patterns. These patterns become warning signs for any of us, lest we be so naïve to think we have no vulnerabilities.
Because the conversations were informal, I cannot say for certain which among them were the most frequent warning signs. So I provide them in no particular order.
- “I neglected my family.” Church work can become a deceitful mistress (I struggle to find the male equivalent of the word). We become so consumed with our ministry that we neglect our families. But 1 Timothy 3:5 is clear that our families are our first ministries.
- “I had no system of accountability.” Unfortunately, most churches do not have clear guidelines for accountability. That does not excuse any of us from making sure that we have such self-imposed guidelines, and that our spouses know about them as well.
- “It began in counseling.” Sometimes the word “transference” is used to describe what can happen in counseling. The counselor or counselee becomes the object of attraction instead of one’s spouse. One or both of the parties see the other as something his or her spouse should be.
- “My co-worker and I began to confide in one another on a deep level.” The conversations between two people who work together become ones that should be restricted to the marital relationship. At this point, an emotional affair has already begun. Physical intimacy is usually not far away.
- “I began neglecting my time in prayer and daily Bible reading.” I am reticent to make a blanket statement, but I have never met a person who was praying and reading his or her Bible daily that became involved in an affair. Prayer and time in the Word are intimacy with God that precludes inappropriate intimacy with someone of the opposite gender.
- “He or she made me feel so good about myself.” In marriage, neither party thinks the spouse is perfect; at least it is rare. The danger happens when one becomes a hero to someone of the opposite gender. The good feelings that come with accolades or even adulation can become sexual attractions and traps that end in an affair.
- “It began on a trip together.” When a man and woman travel to the same destination for a work event, conference, or a convention, safeguards need to be established at the onset. A system of accountability, whether informal or formal, can break down when a man and woman are out of town together. Call me old fashioned, but I won’t ever travel in the car alone with a woman other than my wife (even at my old age).
The conversation is always sad, always tragic. And do you know what the most common theme I’ve heard in all of these conversations?
“I never thought this would happen to me.”
Sobering indeed.
Posted on January 29, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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199 Comments
I am out here to testify of your great work, my husband is back to me with the kids and leave the other woman at his working place, with your spell and he is in love with me now as you said, and he said there is no need for divorce and he apologized for all the pains he cost me and my kids thanks to the holy prophet, if you need his help his email is [[email protected]], your spell work fast and I am so happy to share your testimony….. rita
Rita go away you’re A Liar!
No spell here Rita! Just old fashioned repentance and restoration by the power of God!
My husband is also Joe Smith who was a youth Pastor and deliberately is in adultery with a teen girl he was grooming since she wad 16 and is living with her st age. 18.. He has kept his narcissist behavior towards girls hidden quite well…yes i have been the faithful wife that no one has reached out to..I am devestated and wounded and ashamed. Of his lies before God. My children are astonished at not knowing who he is but know see the wolf in sheep clothing. I need God to move and he seems to be doing well regardless of whst he is doing. Prsy God helps me .he left. Pile of bills and no money ..i struggle to survive please prsy for me..thank you!
Christi
If elders in a church know that their pastor has committed adultery, should they confront him and should the wife be included in the conversation? My soon to be ex-husband, who is a pastor, went on line, met a woman, had sex with her and to add insult to injury, had been taking her out and openly displaying affection to her in a local bar/restaurant (this is while we were separated but had NOT filed for divorce). He was seen, at the bar, by members of the small community where the church he pastors is located. The people that saw him are directly related to church members. And I have confided to the wife of one of the elders. But guess what…he appears to have no consequences. He appears to be manipulating them as he has done to me. My mother will no longer go to church there and neither will I. No one from the church has reached out to me to convey condolences for his behavior. I don’t understand why this church is not addressing his actions. Could he be so manipulative that he has pulled the wool over the eyes of an entire congregation? When he confessed to me what he had done, I asked him how he could commit adultery and the then get up in front of a congregation and preach….his reply…..”Everyone sins”. Meanwhile I am not only devastated by the betrayal but frustrated that no one in that church seems to think it was wrong. What do I do? Do I write a letter to the elders? Do I just let it go and let God handle it.
One more evidence that Proverbs’ ‘strange woman’/’foreign woman’/’immoral woman’/’adulterous woman’/’promiscuous woman’/etc is an adulterous prostitute, or at least a very serial adulteress is Prov 6:25, ‘Lust not after her beauty in thine heart, neither let her take you with her EYELIDS’. Prostitutes tend to paint their eyelids.
‘Her FEET go down to death’, ‘her STEPS take hold on hell’, ‘GIVE’, ‘honour’, ‘years’, ‘WEALTH’, ‘labours’ sound like words about a prostitute, but she likely commits adultery with many men. Prov 5:5-10. Prov 2:19 (All/They in Hebrew/’LXX’), 6:26 in ‘LXX’/’Septuagint’, 7:26, possibly 9:17 are evidences of her many lovers/victims/partners. Prov 2:17-18, 5:9-10, 6:26-35, 7:19, possibly 9:17 (stolen water/secret bread is likely about adultery, because a wife’s sexuality is ‘waters’ in Prov 5:15 and Potiphar’s wife is likely at least in part ‘the bread’/’the food’ of Gen 39:6; I gave the wrong verse earlier) are evidences she is married.
Proverbs ‘strange woman’, sometimes called ‘immoral woman’, ‘foreign woman’, adulterous woman’, ‘promiscuous woman’, ‘wayward wife’, etc–This woman is likely a very ‘serial adulteress’ or an adulterous prostitute, in simple terms. Prov 7:5,8,10-12,16,19,25-27 are easy evidences of this. ‘the street near her corner’, ‘attire of an harlot’, ‘in the streets’, ‘and lieth in wait at every corner’, ‘fine linen of Egypt’ (foreign aspect), ‘the man/goodman/my husband is not at home’, ‘For she hath cast down many wounded, many strong men’ show what she is about. Prov 2:19, 6:26 in the LXX/Sept, 7:26, possibly 9:18 are evidences she has many lovers/victims/partners. Prov 2:17,18, 5:9-10, 6:26-35, 7:19, possibly 9:17 (stolen water probably means adultery, hidden bread also because Potiphar’s wife was probably called ‘the bread’ in Gen 39:14, at least in part).
There are two main terms for her in Hebrew Proverbs. Zarah/ishah zarah in Hebrew can mean an estranged wife, who can have sex with many lovers. Nokariyah in Hebrew means foreign woman, and foreign women were likely often prostitutes in ancient Israel at least in part because of Lev 19:29 and Deut 23:17 ‘frowning’ on Israelite prostitution.
Instead of the words ‘and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life’, the ‘LXX’/’Septuagint’ in Prov 6:26 has two plurals (lives/souls, ‘men’), which is evidence she has lovers.
I think we should be clear about a few things. A pastor is a person, a parishioner is a person. And by person, I mean a persona, a mask, an idea; basic logic reveals that these are COMPOSITE CONSTRUCTS. Merely a fellow human serving or operating in a specific role. No one is born a pastor or a parishioner. And as humans of majority age all parties are responsible for their conduct. The only power the pastor has over you is the power you allow him to have over you. The authority of the pastor is to teach and instruct the Word of God, if s/he is not doing that then there is no authority. They individual is simply a human offering their opinion or seeking your permission in an act.
One must realize their God given dominion and not pretend that another man can control you without your permission(excluding threat, duress, and coercsion) . Now, being more reasonable it is possible for one to coerce a more suggestable and docile person, especially with the under the guise or appearance of authority, and this is a deplorable act in any case. But we can not clothe men and women in priestly garb as an excuse to ignore our own responsibilities and duties with God, to whom we have the ability to appeal to directly and without intercession of another fellow man.
Simply put, a pastor is a role and it is the MAN that transgresses not the man’s clothing/role/position. A MAN advising you against God’s law is not acting under authority of pastor, per Scripture. We must not take the Proverbs lightly, for people and nations perish for a lack of guidance and knowledge.
Peace.
Hello every body,
I’m Tanya Albert from Canada, Thank you Dr Ekpiku for the Retrieve a Love Spell you cased for me and I’d like to thank you for it. My ex and I have been back together for a month now and it’s been even better than before. I think this time it’s forever We’ve been talking of moving in together and maybe getting married in the future. Things between us are great, i thank you for helping to bring him back to me. After our times apart we’ve learned to appreciate each other more and not take anything for granted. Thank you. ([email protected]) after trying and falling through other spell casters and witch doctors i had lost hope but i thank you for handling and solving my problems.I can’t imagine my business is doing better than i thought and i will always live to praise you.If you have any problem contact Dr Ekpiku and he will be of great help to you. Email:[email protected]
I have what I feel is a serious problem with a Luther Pastor. I started going to this church and was befriended by this pastor who I was open with about my mental illness which the pastor said was familiar with D.I.D. rather well and invited me to church to meet, talk and take it from there. I felt SO relieved to find a church where the pastor was so welcoming with my illness. Months passed we developed what the pastor called a “friendship” the pastor said “let me be your friend” talked with my alters and dormant alters seemed to surface to talk to this pastor which were invited to be there. this pastor felt a NEED to engage in the reasons for the D.I.D. and when I shared the reasons, the pastor said “let’s deal with truth” I was gonna intergrate my flashbacks IN church and take them with me to therapy and work on those issue IN counseling, I had NO idea this pastor has turned my desire to go to church and deal with previous church abuse issues in order to go to church with then the pastor taking in the direction of counseling. I had a therapist, I didn’t have a pastor or church. this pastor engaged me into hours of phone conversations and dominated every call. The calls went the direction the pastor wanted them to go INCLUDING suggesting what a previous minister did to me sexually that I am not sure that person did. but this pastor would not let me disagree I HAD to TRUST this pastor completely explicitedly that this pastor HAD the wisdom and I was NOT to challenged it. this pastor said that the congregation trust completely and knew everything would be taken care of, I was to completely trust too. I couldn’t. So then the pastor turned on me for reasons, that the pastor felt was becoming part of the sexual violation that happen yrs ago. How was this pastor becoming a perpetrator, I was abandoned and left for dead so to speak, this pastor who then became frustrated that the pastor could not fix me said if I wanted to get it over with at some point, it was my choice. I do not know what happened, NOW this pastor can’t stand helping, talking to me or having anything to do with me. I did not do anything, this pastor wanted me to completely follow and do and talk as OFTEN as needed then turned on me
I am going to speak to our home-group leader today about the way she hugs, flirts and tries to orchestrate intimate moments with my husband. She said a while ago that he was her twin brother…indicating a special relationship? …maybe to break down his normal defenses? To get a perspective, she does hug everyone, and also tells them that she loves them, but I feel that her reaction towards my husband is more…..subtle but more. When she hugs him, she presses her body into his and her hugs are that little bit longer than they should be. She goes into his personal space, and has what seems to be intimate words with him, which end up with her rubbing her head against his shoulder. She is a very loving person, but do you think she is heading for trouble? She is married. I feel rather uncomfortable when I witness this inappropriate behavior. He was being drawn to her and started responding…..eye contact across the room, playing back etc….but when I asked him about it he felt it was just the way she is. He has checked himself, and does not respond to her anymore. Tries to stop her from her intimate hugs, but she just pushes past me and him and still gives him this personal intimate hug, even looking deeply into his eyes and telling him that she loves him sooo much.
I thank God that my husbands heart is safe in GOD’s hands. Please pray for me. I would like to help and restore her rather than condemn and hurt her. People do make mistakes.