The conversation is always sad, always tragic. The pastor who left his church after a two-year affair with another church member. The student pastor who has been out of vocational ministry since he had a brief sexual encounter with his assistant.
I have spoken with countless numbers of these men and women. And each time I am reminded of how much I need to love God with all my heart, and to be totally devoted to my wife.
Though the conversations are both sad and tragic, I do learn from them. And after dozens, perhaps a few hundred, of these conversations, I see patterns. These patterns become warning signs for any of us, lest we be so naïve to think we have no vulnerabilities.
Because the conversations were informal, I cannot say for certain which among them were the most frequent warning signs. So I provide them in no particular order.
- “I neglected my family.” Church work can become a deceitful mistress (I struggle to find the male equivalent of the word). We become so consumed with our ministry that we neglect our families. But 1 Timothy 3:5 is clear that our families are our first ministries.
- “I had no system of accountability.” Unfortunately, most churches do not have clear guidelines for accountability. That does not excuse any of us from making sure that we have such self-imposed guidelines, and that our spouses know about them as well.
- “It began in counseling.” Sometimes the word “transference” is used to describe what can happen in counseling. The counselor or counselee becomes the object of attraction instead of one’s spouse. One or both of the parties see the other as something his or her spouse should be.
- “My co-worker and I began to confide in one another on a deep level.” The conversations between two people who work together become ones that should be restricted to the marital relationship. At this point, an emotional affair has already begun. Physical intimacy is usually not far away.
- “I began neglecting my time in prayer and daily Bible reading.” I am reticent to make a blanket statement, but I have never met a person who was praying and reading his or her Bible daily that became involved in an affair. Prayer and time in the Word are intimacy with God that precludes inappropriate intimacy with someone of the opposite gender.
- “He or she made me feel so good about myself.” In marriage, neither party thinks the spouse is perfect; at least it is rare. The danger happens when one becomes a hero to someone of the opposite gender. The good feelings that come with accolades or even adulation can become sexual attractions and traps that end in an affair.
- “It began on a trip together.” When a man and woman travel to the same destination for a work event, conference, or a convention, safeguards need to be established at the onset. A system of accountability, whether informal or formal, can break down when a man and woman are out of town together. Call me old fashioned, but I won’t ever travel in the car alone with a woman other than my wife (even at my old age).
The conversation is always sad, always tragic. And do you know what the most common theme I’ve heard in all of these conversations?
“I never thought this would happen to me.”
Sobering indeed.
Posted on January 29, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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199 Comments
Being careful is one thing, being outright paranoid is quite another. I’m just amazed at how many here automatically presume something sexual will happen simply because a man and a woman is alone together! That speaks more of emotional immaturity than anything else. What about some of the people who spend time with the same sex and still wind up involved in affairs? Yes, quite a bit of homosexual activity starts that way too. So I guess now we have to be alone all the time because we simply can’t control ourselves? NO wonder the world laughs at us Christians.
THANK YOU!! You took the words right out of my mouth. Self control people.
I appreciate the desire expressed here to protect marriages. But aren’t these rules a hindrance to men and women forming meaningful friendships? How are we supposed to be ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ in the robust, Biblical sense of the word if we see each other primarily as potential adultresses and adulterers?
Wow. I agree whole heartily with a lot of you. Yet I am the other woman and my story is like no other. A pastor persuaded me online and I had no clue he was a pastor. It was a few months in to our relationship I found out the truth. I was devastated and could not understand why he would do this. He has a great life , great wife and family and is following in his father and grandfathers footsteps. What went wrong ?? Then I was reminded he is human just like you and I. The same temptations I face he faces. I learned that he really has no one to talk to, everyone comes to him and I couldn’t tell you how much stress and anxiety this man had. I really hope he gets better and pray for him.
Anne, actually your story is like every other. This man is a predator and you have taken his bait hook line, and sinker. Do not think he is not continuing his recruitment of other young women such as yourself, because he is. I pray you have learned the dangers of becoming involved in any more online relationships of any kind, and that you become much more “wise as serpents”.
This is really a great story. I’m really touched and shocked that even people are devoted to God can do such things. I have questions that I’m always looking for, i know this is embarrassing but i can’t help it anymore. Is it a great sin to fall in love to a youth pastor even though you are in both 20’s? both single? (I’m 20 and he’s 28)
My father was the pastor of a church and has been involved in an affair for years. Im not sure where to get help or who to ask about ways to forgive him. Please help me
My husband is a pastor and has a female assistant. How can I suggest certain boundaries without coming accross as jealous or insecure, or doubtful of him? He is a God fearing man of integrity, but of course everyone assumes they will never fall victim of adultery. They do go on trips to the store for ministry and will be at retreats together. Boundaries need to be set, but aren’t yet. Thanks.
I need help with this, too. I would love to see suggested boundaries for texting between ministry co-workers also. To me, texting is like a conversation behind closed doors.
I am wondering what everyone thinks of these stats: “30% said they had either been in an ongoing affair or a one-time sexual encounter with a parishioner.”
30% seems awfully high to me. The actual study is not listed.
Source: http://www.intothyword.org/apps/articles/default.asp?articleid=36562