The conversation is always sad, always tragic. The pastor who left his church after a two-year affair with another church member. The student pastor who has been out of vocational ministry since he had a brief sexual encounter with his assistant.
I have spoken with countless numbers of these men and women. And each time I am reminded of how much I need to love God with all my heart, and to be totally devoted to my wife.
Though the conversations are both sad and tragic, I do learn from them. And after dozens, perhaps a few hundred, of these conversations, I see patterns. These patterns become warning signs for any of us, lest we be so naïve to think we have no vulnerabilities.
Because the conversations were informal, I cannot say for certain which among them were the most frequent warning signs. So I provide them in no particular order.
- “I neglected my family.” Church work can become a deceitful mistress (I struggle to find the male equivalent of the word). We become so consumed with our ministry that we neglect our families. But 1 Timothy 3:5 is clear that our families are our first ministries.
- “I had no system of accountability.” Unfortunately, most churches do not have clear guidelines for accountability. That does not excuse any of us from making sure that we have such self-imposed guidelines, and that our spouses know about them as well.
- “It began in counseling.” Sometimes the word “transference” is used to describe what can happen in counseling. The counselor or counselee becomes the object of attraction instead of one’s spouse. One or both of the parties see the other as something his or her spouse should be.
- “My co-worker and I began to confide in one another on a deep level.” The conversations between two people who work together become ones that should be restricted to the marital relationship. At this point, an emotional affair has already begun. Physical intimacy is usually not far away.
- “I began neglecting my time in prayer and daily Bible reading.” I am reticent to make a blanket statement, but I have never met a person who was praying and reading his or her Bible daily that became involved in an affair. Prayer and time in the Word are intimacy with God that precludes inappropriate intimacy with someone of the opposite gender.
- “He or she made me feel so good about myself.” In marriage, neither party thinks the spouse is perfect; at least it is rare. The danger happens when one becomes a hero to someone of the opposite gender. The good feelings that come with accolades or even adulation can become sexual attractions and traps that end in an affair.
- “It began on a trip together.” When a man and woman travel to the same destination for a work event, conference, or a convention, safeguards need to be established at the onset. A system of accountability, whether informal or formal, can break down when a man and woman are out of town together. Call me old fashioned, but I won’t ever travel in the car alone with a woman other than my wife (even at my old age).
The conversation is always sad, always tragic. And do you know what the most common theme I’ve heard in all of these conversations?
“I never thought this would happen to me.”
Sobering indeed.
Posted on January 29, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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201 Comments
I belong to a church that wanted to hire a Music MINISTER who admittedly had more than one affair and broke up marriages, including his own. I was totally against this. Some argued that we should forgive him. Forgiveness can be given, but you don’t put yourself in a position for it to happen again. This really hurt our church, with many leaving. In Titus, it says leaders should be and are held to a higher standard.
I’m sorry that happened in your church, and I agree they’re playing with fire. My sister’s church once called a pastor, not knowing he’d had an affair in the past. They soon had to call for his resignation because he was hitting on one of the deacons’ wives. As Adrian Rogers used to say, “Forgiveness is instantaneous. Trust is earned.”
Great article Thom. There is another take on that last highlighted phrase. It could also be “I would never do that.” The moment those words are stated is the moment we have set ourselves up for a fall. Whether morally or any other way, the enemy loves to hear those words.
Thanks for the article Thom. As I have counseled with church members and ministry friends who have fallen into adultery many have said the same thing. “When I wake up early and look at my wife when she is sleeping i think to myself, ‘How could I have done that to her?'” The road back to trust and harmony is possible and I have seen it many times but the devastation is real and heartbreaking.
Appreciate the comment about not traveling alone with a woman I’m not related to. I’ve gotten in trouble in secular jobs because I refused to do this and was one reason I probably lost a job. My relationship with my wife is more important than my career. Seems like some companies actually encourage traveling together to save money despite the fact there are other ways to reduce costs. Our “old-fashioned” values conflict with worldly people but ultimately, we must please God!
It seems the two of you are talking about two different scenarios.
1) a female member intentionally setting out to pursue the preacher,
2) a female member seeks guidance/counseling from the pastor, one thing leads to another……
It seems the degree of culpability of each party would vary based on the scenario.
Steve, there is no difference in the two scenarios regarding the pastor’s responsibility. Any woman who appears to be making advances toward her pastor needs help and if her pastor is not godly enough to see that, he is completely at fault if he gives in, A pastor commits to lead, guide, and protect. When that commitment to protect is broken, it is abuse and he is fully responsible. “It takes two to tango” has no relevance when it comes to Clergy Sexual Abuse. See more information at http://www.thehopeofsurvivors.com/
Thank you, Steve, because that is PRECISELY my point. I’m glad you get it, but MJ seems determined to blame the pastor in all circumstances.
Thom, I am saddened to see the word “affair” used in this article. Please educate yourself on clergy sexual abuse. It is a criminal offense in various states, as it should be; Texas, Minnesota, Iowa … to name a few.
Melody, The scripture you quoted is not referring to a parishioner who was sexually violated by their pastor.
Ken, You are wrong. God will not hold a woman (or man) accountable for being sexually violated by their pastor, anymore then He would hold a rape survivor accountable for being raped…. and clergy sexual abuse is a form of rape and God views it as such.
Wendy, I advise you to read Proverbs 7 more carefully. The woman depicted in that passage is hardly a victim. An adult woman or man who has a consensual affair with the pastor is no rape victim (I’m not talking about teens or children). To equate such an affair with rape or sexual abuse is to trivialize both.
Ken, those who are led or forced into a relationship with spiritual leaders rarely seduce. But, even if someone makes advances toward clergy, it is still the leaders responsibility to keep appropriate boundaries. A pastor should be strong, mature, and godly in order to withstand an advance made to them. There is a vulnerability factor along with an imbalance of power that must be understood. I pray the church realizes this truth and stops blaming victims, God’s Kingdom is suffering greatly as a result.
Ken, it is not consensual. There is a vulnerability factor along with an imbalance of power. Read more at http://www.thehopeofsurvivors.com/ if you want more information. The choice is yours to seek the truth or continue to ignore it. Those who have been pursued, used, and abused by clergy know the truth and God will not let it go unnoticed. I pray the church sees the truth of CSA.
Stop blaming the victim? How about stop blaming the pastor? I don’t know how it works in your denomination, but among Southern Baptists, the pastor is often blamed for everything that goes wrong in the church. Is church attendance down? Let’s not blame those lazy church members that never talk to their friends about Jesus or invite them to church; it’s the pastor’s fault! Is the church having trouble meeting its financial obligations? Let’s not blame those tightwads who think they’re too “spiritual” to tithe; it’ must be the pastor’s fault! Is the church having conflict? Let’s not blame those gossipy people that constantly sow seeds of division, or the people that throw a hissy fit every time they don’t get their way; it’s the pastor’s fault!
Now you’re telling me a woman who makes sexual advances toward a pastor shares no responsibility in his guilt? I’m sorry, but I don’t buy that, and I never will.
AMEN! Ken
I’m on the side of real victims of assault and coercion. The ones that participate in affairs, often even marrying the man after the marriage and church have been wrecked do NOT get to call themselves victims.
Women that are manipulated by men know that it is happening but they are getting a sin payoff in emotional gratification. When we are honest with ourselves and heed the Holy Spirit we know we are picking immediate emotional gratification instead of having our hearts focused on God truly being the center of our lives.
Ken, Melody,
Give it up. While you have correctly assessed the situation and understand that ALL of us are responsible for our behavior you will never convince the crowd who like to be “victims.” While a pastor who lets a female church member seduce him is stupid and ungodly the bottom line is that he has acted, well, stupid and ungodly, but that is not abuse. It could be argued in a very real sense that he is a victim. Would he be responsible for his behavior? Of course. In fact, he has disqualified himself from the ministry. Neither should such an event be considered an “affair,” the biblical terms are fornication (sexual immorality) or adultery. No need to make it sound like something sweet since it is actually hellish. As Dr. Paige Patterson once said, “any pastor who counsels a woman alone is an idiot.” Agreed. A married woman needs her husband present to hear from me, a single woman will be counseled by my wife and me (or one of our deacons wives who is qualified to counsel someone). Single women who have asked me to give them an appointment (usually this happens in church before or after a service, or by a call to the church administrative assistants) are often surprised by my response. “Let me check and see when my wife is available.” Fully 50% of these requests become overcome by events! In other words they are no longer interested. I won’t deny they likely need some counsel but if they would actually pay attention to the preaching of the Word they would get what they need. Proverbs chapters 5 – 9 are pretty clear. Keep up the good work – God’s best to you. Ken, I’m prepared for the onslaught of the “I’m a victim” crowd but no response will come from me – here is your answer: 1 Cor. 6:18; Heb. 13:4; Jude 7.
BT, you’ve said nothing with which I disagree. I’ve already conceded that if a pastor has an affair with a woman for any reason, he is guilty of adultery. I also have great contempt for any pastor that would use manipulation to lure a woman into adultery. However, if you’ve been in ministry for any length of time, you know how manipulative church members can be. I’m sorry to keep harping on this, but to say that the parishioner is “always the victim” is to put the pastor in a no-win situation. I’ve known some women who are vindictive enough to make false accusations of adultery or abuse just because they want to get rid of the pastor. I find such people just as contemptible as adulterers and abusers, especially since the Bible says a false witness is an abomination.
That being said, I agree 100% that a pastor should never be alone with a woman other than his wife or a close relative. In fact, Johnny Hunt takes it a step further: he doesn’t counsel women at all. I’ve heard him say he’ll counsel a woman exactly once, and if she needs more he’ll make a referral. To me, that’s a pretty wise approach. Of course, this won’t please some of the ax-grinders on this thread. They’ll grumble about the pastor “neglecting his duty”. See what I mean about a no-win situation? You’ve probably been in in the ministry long enough to understand that.
I like what Johnny Hunt has to say. I was a youth minister in my early years. Any time a young lady came to my office to talk or confide I would move our place of talking to an open room. I followed this procedure when I became a pastor. Paul says “Avoid all appearance of evil.” Praying for you my friend.
As a newly pastor wife, I’m experiencing it first hand with a female member throwing herself at my husband. She dresses to attract attention to herself. She acts as a predator searching for prey, scoping out my where abouts so she can greet my husband along, especially when I’m not near him. I can’t blame my husband for this woman behavior. It all on her and she knows what she’s doing. So what should I do about it?
KEN….
cease and desist using the word AFFAIR.
FEW if any of these are “affairs”!
SERIOUSLY!
STOP!
find a different vocabulary.
Anyone who seduces a pastor into a sexual AFFAIR is no victim. I grant that doesn’t lessen the pastor’s guilt, but unless the woman is doing it against her will, she is just guilty as he is.
You don’t like me using the word “affair”? Actually, I prefer to call it what the Bible calls it: ADULTERY.
Kimberly,
While the ignorance in the comments here is clear, God knows the truth. I’m disheartened by the insensitivity shown by so-called pastors on here as well. In particular, the comment by BT above, talks about women like we are dogs, and whores out to seduce spiritual leaders. He feels women want to throw themselves at him and want to be alone with him, over 50% of those asking for counsel. He then states that if women would listen to his sermons, they would not have to see a counselor. I am so thankful he is not my pastor with such arrogance and ignorance. He also commented and said he will not reply back to the onslaught of victims he will hear from, revealing much presumption, insensitivity and pride. It is men such as him that God will take care of on behalf of all victims of Clergy Sexual Abuse; they have no understanding of its dynamics. Women are NOT seducing clergy. Clergy are abusing their authority and again are fully responsible to keep the boundaries in place. What kind of pastor has sex with a congregant? One who is not qualified to be a pastor. We know it is not an affair because affair implies consent and there can be no consent when someone has authority over you. Preying on the vulnerable population (yes, women going for counseling are vulnerable) will not go unnoticed by God! Praying for all survivors of CSA. Anyone who wants to hear more about the truth of CSA, see http://www.thehopeofsurvivors.com
If you will read my comments, I have never said pastors who have sexual relations with their congregants should be absolved from blame. I am saying the person with whom the pastor has sexual relations shares in the blame, provided said person is a consenting adult. The argument about “pastoral authority” simply doesn’t pan out, especially for Baptists and others in the free church tradition. It’s amazing how people will tell pastors that they don’t have the authority to run their lives (which is true enough), but if they engage in sexual immorality with the pastor, they’ll accuse him of “abusing his authority”. Who do they think they’re kidding?
I grant that some pastors can be manipulative – I’ve known many of them personally – but I’ve been in the ministry long enough to know that parishioners can be equally manipulative. Don’t tell me that such people are “innocent victims”. I don’t buy it, and I never will.
Men will fantasize about an adulterous affair…they will never fantasize about getting caught
My home church called a recently divorced man as pastor. He was very charming and a few years later I married him. We were together nearly 25 years but he was unfaithful to me for nearly all those years,. At times he flaunted his escapades before me, leaving receipts for motel bills and gifts he bought for his various women. Although I was crushed emotionally I stayed with him because I thought it was the right thing to do for my children who were very young at the time the affairs began. When they had both left the home I divorced him. He is married again (for the third time) and still preaches every Sunday. For him there were no consequences because he is able to make people believe that he was the victim. I have moved on but my children still deal with their pain. They are the real victims.
I’m sorry you and your children had to go through that. Any man who would do that to his wife, whether clergy or laity, is a reproach to the name of Jesus. Just remember, he cannot escape from God.
I think the most important element in prevention is my maintenance of consistent daily prayer and study time.
When I forget that a turkey named Chuck is in the middle of the ministry to the church, to bring the church into their ministry to the community, and they all act like turkeys-it is too possible to forget that Chuck is a turkey too.
Windows on doors do not protect a parishioner nor does reading the bible and praying. Godly character in a pastor is preventative that includes wisdom. Look at The Hope of Survivors for information on clergy sexual abuse. It is not an affair and until the church realizes this truth it will never be free from it happening over and over again.