NEW RELATED POST: Should Your Church Stop Having a Stand and Greet Time?
If you attend a church regularly, you’ve probably noticed the phenomenon. A guest shows up for a worship service, but he or she never returns. It is, unfortunately, a common issue in many churches.
I did a Twitter poll to ask these first-time guests why they chose not to return to a particular church. While some of the responses were anticipated, I admit being a bit surprised with some of them.
Though my poll is not scientific, it is nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top ten responses in order of frequency.
- Having a stand up and greet one another time in the worship service. This response was my greatest surprise for two reasons. First, I was surprised how much guests are really uncomfortable during this time. Second, I was really surprised that it was the most frequent response.
- Unfriendly church members. This response was anticipated. But the surprise was the number of respondents who included non-genuine friendliness in their answers. In other words, the guests perceived some of the church members were faking it.
- Unsafe and unclean children’s area. This response generated the greatest emotional reactions. If your church does not give a high priority to children, don’t expect young families to attend.
- No place to get information. If your church does not have a clear and obvious place to get information, you probably have lowered the chances of a return visit by half. There should also be someone to greet and assist guests at that information center as well.
- Bad church website. Most of the church guests went to the church website before they attended a worship service. Even if they attended the service after visiting a bad website, they attended with a prejudicial perspective. The two indispensable items guests want on a website are address and times of service. It’s just that basic.
- Poor signage. If you have been attending a church for a few weeks, you forget all about the signage. You don’t need it any more. But guests do. And they are frustrated when it’s not there.
- Insider church language. Most of the respondents were not referring to theological language as much as language that only the members know. My favorite example was: “The WMU will meet in the CLC in the room where the GAs usually meet.”
- Boring or bad service. My surprise was not the presence of this item. The surprise was that it was not ranked higher.
- Members telling guests that they were in their seat or pew. Yes, this obviously still takes place in some churches.
- Dirty facilities. Some of the comments: “Didn’t look like it had been cleaned in a week.” “No trash cans anywhere.” Restrooms were worse than a bad truck stop.” “Pews had more stains than a Tide commercial.”
There you have it. The top ten reasons first-time guests said they did not return to a church. I can’t wait to hear from you readers. You always have such good additions and insights.
Posted on November 1, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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539 Comments
Love this article.. #1 seems to be generating an awful lot of debate! I totally agree with the suggestion that the “stand up and shake 20 hands” thing needs to be killed with fire. However, what alot of people don’t realize is that it’s there for a hidden purpose. While we’re all frantically shaking 20 person’s hands and avoiding eye contact, the band is getting off the stage and the stage is being prepped for the next segment of the service, probably the sermon. If they didn’t tell us to turn around and shake hands, then we’d all have to sit there and watch the stage transformation in awkward silence. Wouldn’t that be terrible?!?!?
Tom, you can solve the awkwardness by having somebody pray. That way everybody closes their eyes and the band can make a mad dash back to their seats. 😀
I am surprised people are ill at ease for the Kiss of Peace/Stand up and Greet. While I’ve heard it from some churchgoers, I’ve never heard anyone is business or social settings say they don’t shake hands. Why this shyness only in church?
Watch a business meeting and/or convention. Some people will get up and introduce themselves to everybody in the room. They’re great at making small talk, and they hand out a ton of business cards. Other people will mostly hang out by themselves, but will shake hands with the people they’re explicitly introduced to, are already familiar with, or people that they’re meeting for an intentional reason.
The first group of people are the extroverts. The second group is the introverts.
The “stand up and greet” part of a service, if you’re new, works well for extroverts. Not so much for introverts.
And regarding the *existing* church members, this is very much a “If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be?” sort of situation.
New people should be greeted. Just like bulletins should be folded, toilets should be scrubbed, and nurseries should be staffed.
But saying that *everybody* should fold bulletins, *everybody* should scrub toilets, and *everybody* should staff the nursery is wrongheaded, in that it fails to recognize that people are gifted differently.
Ever had someone shake your hand while looking over your shoulder to see who they are going to greet next??
Our church has a “stand up and greet” time which coincides with the children’s dismissal to Sunday School. From a simple logistical standpoint, the greeting time masks the commotion of parents removing their children from the pews and heading up the aisles. Also, if everyone is standing up, then it’s less embarrassing and awkward for people to stand up and squeeze past someone else in the pew who is sitting down.
I’m a socially awkward semi-extrovert, so I find the “stand up and greet” time to be uncomfortable. But I use it to work my weak “small talk” muscles. I’m mentally allergic to walking up to a group of people and inserting myself into their conversation, even if they’re all friends of mine. As a result, I spend very little time at church “socializing.” So having a designated time of shared awkwardness gives me permission to “invade” someone’s life for ten seconds.
I think SUAG times are like most other moments in our lives — we can use them for the glory of God and for the good of others, or we can use them for ourselves. That will look different for both extroverts and introverts. We can use them sinfully as “clique” time, or we can use them sinfully as “resenting other people” time. Or we can use them as personal bubble-bursting opportunities to welcome new-to-us faces, to check in with someone who’s struggling, or to humor that bouncy, chirpy extrovert who insists on bear-hugging everyone.
It just so happens that I joined my son and girl friend yesterday to check out a new church in their city. There are a number of reasons I would not return, but one thing was downright offensive to me. The speaker joked about being delivered from being a baptist. This was in a charismatic type assembly, and I’ve heard this among Charismatics before. It is one thing to call out false doctrine. It is another to set your denomination up on high as if you are perfect. I am no longer Baptist, but I was saved in a Southern Baptist Church, and my beliefs are certainly closer to the Baptist persuasion than the Charismatic, though I will read and listen to speakers in that movement. Once he said that, my spirit closed.
I am very surprised by the first one. Every church that I have been a part of always has a time to greet one another. I do remember when a couple of churches I have been to will let the members stand and the visitors sit so the ushers/deacons can find them to give them a visitors card. That time was followed by a meet and greet.
I think the whole idea of what we do to retain first time visitors is based on an outdated attractional model of church. The fact is, members like where they sit, how they sing, how they greet, how they listen to a message, how they visit before and after the service with people they know already for the time they like. My questions are: Why is a time of greeting inauthentic and contrived? Why isn’t a time of genuine welcome, greeting, caring, concern? Why is that visitor coming alone to church? My guess is if Thom surveyed people who came with a friend to church their experience would be totally different. It would be different for the member who saw the service through their friend’s eyes, and it would be different for the friend who appreciated what their friend did for worship. And if a member brings a friend, there’s no need for an information table or website. The nursery would be clean because the member thinks of church as a place of hospitality, not a club. Evangelism is the work of the whole church, not the website designer. Our hearts (the whole church) need to change to welcome the stranger.
“Why is that visitor coming alone to church?”
I’m not trying to judge and I do agree that the hearts of the whole church need to be welcoming, but what about the people that just moved into the area that don’t know anyone?
What about the people that have never been to church or know any church goers?
Are you saying that they should be excluded? That the people visiting the church need to have an “in”? I have in times of my life been searching for something that was missing in my life and drove up to the first church I found without knowing anyone. Are you saying that I should not do that?
” Why is a time of greeting inauthentic and contrived?”
It shouldn’t be, but often times the members just go through the motions and do it because they are told to. not because they want to meet new people.
“Why isn’t a time of genuine welcome, greeting, caring, concern? ”
I don’t know what this question is asking
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On college orientation day, your first day at a new job, the first visit to the “hangout” coffee shop or bar in your new neighborhood, when you finally meet your fiancé’s family, you’re offended if you’re warmly greeted and people express an interest in you and you’ll never go back there again? And in your opinion churches shouldn’t “pass the peace” – which is akin to a wish for the other to have a good day and a good life – because a church where the regular congregants don’t even care for each other is more attractive to you?
Edward, a fiance’s family is a different thing entirely – but the coffee shop example works.
Let’s say you go to the new coffee shop and you’d just like to sit there with a nice cup of coffee and listen to the house band. Good coffee, good music. This a perfectly-fine reason to go to a coffee shop.
You’re greeted warmly by the barista. This is good, since you have to interface with her to get your beverage. She takes your order, you get your coffee, then you go sit down. You’re listening to the band. This is a good evening so far.
All of a sudden, the band stops playing and the barista yells that everybody in the coffee shop should go introduce themselves to one another.
Now everybody in the coffee shop is wanting to shake your hand, tell you about themselves, get your name, find out what you do for a living, whether you come to this coffee shop often, etc.
Is that what you were expecting?
Probably not. And given that it’s completely unexpected, can you see how that might be a bit disconcerting if you just went there to hear the band? Especially if you’re not the sort of person who’s hyper-outgoing in the first place?
That’s what we’re talking about here.
Introverts aren’t antisocial – but the ways in which they socialize *are* different. And having a couple dozen people want to shake your hand and ask you questions all at once can be very uncomfortable for them.
I read quite a few of these responses because I’m looking for some great suggestions on the “meet-and-greet” dilemma. Maybe I overlooked them. Do you all have any ideas?
I have felt that I’ve scared off people by being too friendly and that it is perceived as insincere. It’s a painful experience to feel you are offensive to others. But if we are called to love, that is exactly what happens at times. For others, I am what they needed for that day. That is the life of a Christian, don’t you think?
But I’m wondering how we can turn that around to ease the angst of first-timers, and that’s where we can help on this site. I’d love to hear your positive ideas.