NEW RELATED POST: Should Your Church Stop Having a Stand and Greet Time?
If you attend a church regularly, you’ve probably noticed the phenomenon. A guest shows up for a worship service, but he or she never returns. It is, unfortunately, a common issue in many churches.
I did a Twitter poll to ask these first-time guests why they chose not to return to a particular church. While some of the responses were anticipated, I admit being a bit surprised with some of them.
Though my poll is not scientific, it is nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top ten responses in order of frequency.
- Having a stand up and greet one another time in the worship service. This response was my greatest surprise for two reasons. First, I was surprised how much guests are really uncomfortable during this time. Second, I was really surprised that it was the most frequent response.
- Unfriendly church members. This response was anticipated. But the surprise was the number of respondents who included non-genuine friendliness in their answers. In other words, the guests perceived some of the church members were faking it.
- Unsafe and unclean children’s area. This response generated the greatest emotional reactions. If your church does not give a high priority to children, don’t expect young families to attend.
- No place to get information. If your church does not have a clear and obvious place to get information, you probably have lowered the chances of a return visit by half. There should also be someone to greet and assist guests at that information center as well.
- Bad church website. Most of the church guests went to the church website before they attended a worship service. Even if they attended the service after visiting a bad website, they attended with a prejudicial perspective. The two indispensable items guests want on a website are address and times of service. It’s just that basic.
- Poor signage. If you have been attending a church for a few weeks, you forget all about the signage. You don’t need it any more. But guests do. And they are frustrated when it’s not there.
- Insider church language. Most of the respondents were not referring to theological language as much as language that only the members know. My favorite example was: “The WMU will meet in the CLC in the room where the GAs usually meet.”
- Boring or bad service. My surprise was not the presence of this item. The surprise was that it was not ranked higher.
- Members telling guests that they were in their seat or pew. Yes, this obviously still takes place in some churches.
- Dirty facilities. Some of the comments: “Didn’t look like it had been cleaned in a week.” “No trash cans anywhere.” Restrooms were worse than a bad truck stop.” “Pews had more stains than a Tide commercial.”
There you have it. The top ten reasons first-time guests said they did not return to a church. I can’t wait to hear from you readers. You always have such good additions and insights.
Posted on November 1, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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539 Comments
I’m not currently living in the USA, but I well remember going to churches with active singles ministries when I did live there. Some were downright unfriendly, especially in the South and among Southern Baptist churches. I remember going to a church where a man stood at the door of the singles meeting and was actually asking people their ages, banning anyone who said they were 35 or older. I understand the need for different groups for different stages of life, but this was ridiculous. And why do they assume that single men are automatically “stalking” younger women? I look young for my age, and when I attended a group in a Tennessee church and people thought I was in my early 30’s, it was fine. But when it was discovered I was actually 42, some of the younger women in the group started treating me like I was a “dirty old man” just because of my actual age, and I never even asked a woman out. I was asked not to return to that group, so I stopped attending that church. This type of thing can really turn people off from attending. So can too much emphasis on wealth and financial investment when you have a large disparity of income among members.
As someone who was raised agnostic I never attended church in my youth except for the occasional invitation by a friend after a Saturday sleepover.
Later in life I tried searching for a church to attend as I had found my faith.
I went to several in an attempt to “church shop” for lack of a better word. The one thing that put me off from attending regularly was that I was the only one in attendance between the ages of 20-60.
One reason I had been told that church was valuable (and to be completely honest the one that spoke to me loudest) was that it would be a good place to meet people who at least have faith in common with you.
If this makes me shallow so be it. Just trying to help with why I didn’t return to the churches I tried.
I am a church custodian (I like to call myself the Minister of Maintenance), so the one about clean facilities is a personal one for me. I would hate to be the reason someone gave for not wanting to come back to our church.
I would like to offer a word of encouragement to introverts. Yes the meet-and-greet is awkward. So is dating, so is meeting anyone. Don’t we do things like this all the time in business/education/workplace when we have to…for some greater good? I am an introvert too… but I am learning that it is more important to be loving than comfortable. (I’m sure lots of you have reached the same conclusion). I’ve spent meet-and-greets with no one to talk to, no one even making eye contact with me, and I was tempted to feel rejected, but I also learned to give grace and feel that I just was surrounded by folks who had others to talk to or who were shyer than I am. The flip side of the coin is that I’ve also met wonderful folks and developed friendships after shaking hands and saying hello. I feel it’s my job to make the people around me feel welcomed and loved, even in my shy, awkward, non-smooth way. Also, for me, being *forced* to say hello is much easier than some coffee hour where you’re not sure whether to approach someone, how long to talk, etc. and you feel like you’re the only one standing there by yourself. That is MORE awkward.
Also, in large churches with multiple services, it is very hard to recognize a first-time visitor. There are people who have been going to church with me for years but whom I’ve never had a chance to meet before.
Thank God that His grace is there for all our mis-steps, and let’s offer that grace to our fellow believers too. (preaching to myself here).
Bravo! I wish more church members had your attitude!
How shallow to assume that the role of the church is to appeal to the occasional visitor. The premise here seems to be that the way to save the lost is to try to get them into the building and then market Christ in such a way that they want to return. Admittedly, this paradigm absolves Christians of any responsibility for taking the Gospel out the doors and into the world.
Having been in the military and, therefore, making several moves ( > 10) over the last 20+ years, my wife and I have been “visitors” to several churches. We have made mistakes in choosing a church home over the years, with the most common mistake being making a choice based on the “praise and worship” portion of the service. However, standing and shaking hands and saying “good morning” during the service has never been a deterrent.
This poll surveyed people as to why they didn’t return to a church. I would have liked to have heard what made them decide to go in the first place. Just a thought.
Excellent points!
And then there are the guests we don’t get to survey because the off-putting or alienating marquee signs that run them off before they ever enter the church doors.
We’ve moved twice in the last 3 years and had the opportunity to visit several churches.
It’s about much more than just saying hello or showing up on your door step. It’s about a willingness to be open to relationship and additional friendships….
One church we visited was have a “special event” (we still don’t know what it was, they never told us) and they used the service to thank the participants. No sermon. Not a single Bible verse was read. While it was apparent that they had really felt God move during the “event”, it was not the right time or place… All churches should assume they’ll have a visitor every week.
Another church stood stoically for the contemporary worship music (no clapping, no hand raising) but ended their service by asking everyone to hold hands across the aisles and pray. From cold to way too warm! It was VERY awkward.
Our best experiences have been when folks warmly acknowledged our attendance (especially when visiting SS classes), invited us to join them for lunch, had a class fellowship and made sure we had directions, and added us to their class email lists – allowing us to be “in the loop” on what was going on with the class (not all of these things at once).
There can be too sharp a line between “members only” and visitors…consider giving your visitors the benefits of membership. They’ll be much more likely to become members.
I am a Catholic and was invited to a Penecostal church. Went to Bible
Study and 3 people made insulting remarks about Catholics including the one giving the Bible Study. I went to that Church because my friend kept asking me to come. I’ll never go back. I am Catholic until I die. I didn’t make fun of their church although I heard things foreign to me.
This is a good discussion. Personally, I have made plans during the week to attend a church but come Sunday morning I can think of numerous reasons not to go with no good reasons. Meet and greet is usually a way for the pastor to introduce you to the person next to you so you want feel you won’t feel like you’re seated next to a stranger. Please, please don’t let that make you feel uncomfortable. You are there to praise God and He doesn’t care if you participate in meet and greet: you’ll still get to heaven. I don’t like for church members to ask if you’ve been saved, or are you baptized, you need to pay tithes or asking personal questions. If someone tells you they have a regular seat go to another church; they are selfish. Don’t worry because there are plenty churches around and keep searching until you find one you feel comfortable.
Pastor Bob
Serial lessons taught from the pulpit are an issue. I’ve seen this in multiple churches of various denominations. Serial teachings belong in Sunday School, not the pulpit during regular service hours. Also, teaching dogma, not doctrine. Too many pastors are trying to understand and preach an Eastern religion through a Western mindset. The culture of Biblical times needs to be studied to impart the full effect of the lesson. Most of the New Testament were letters written to the churches in various places as an admonishment for where they were messing up. I’ve know people who were Christians since 1964 who were unaware of the fact that other folk besides Jesus were resurrected at the same time He was. This is because folks don’t study the deeper lessons in scripture. Also, preachers at funerals who say the deceased are in heaven…seriously? Have you READ the Bible? Heaven hasn’t been created yet. They are asleep in Christ. Sure, you may feel better thinking your loved one is in heaven, but it isn’t Scriptural. If a pastor doesn’t comprehend the Scripture in its intended form, he needs further learning. I’m appalled by the number of congregants that never question the watered version of the Word coming out of most pulpits. Challenge your congregation to seek the meat of the Word, not just the milk.
More than these reasons, one thing that turns off many newcomers is the mindset of the “loving” congregants who rail against helping the poor, or extending a hand to those in genuine need, or heaven forbid – their family doesn’t look exactly like they feel it should… If the churches were focused on helping those around them, maybe then more people would be interested in attending. I haven’t attended a church service in years, and can’t imagine going back because whether there’s a great facility, or super friendly people, it doesn’t matter! If the church opens on Sunday morning for a few hours, and at a couple of times during the week, what difference does it make? Honestly, what difference does it make? Are you feeding the hungry? Are you clothing the naked? Probably not. And I don’t mean the once a year food drive, or the shoe boxes full of stuff that gets sent off to the far side of the earth once per year – Be Honest – What are you doing to help those in need across the block OR ACROSS THE AISLE from where you plant your butt for 75 minutes once per week? People are hurting and desperate, and all most “church people” can say is that they’re so blessed – so those less fortunate aren’t blessed? Wow, if God is real, you’re going to pay for that mindset! I’d waaaay rather pee in an outhouse at a church that served it’s fellow man in a meaningful way than to grace the door of a beautiful facility that could care less, which by the way, is the situation in most churches today.
Ed, you make some very good points; however, you sound pretty bitter. I hope you haven’t let imperfect people prevent you from having a relationship with a perfect Savior.
It is unfortunate that our society has so much of what we want that we have decided that we don’t need God anymore, but we dutifully give Him a couple hours of our time every week… as long as it isn’t too cold, raining, snowing…