If you get a group of pastors and church staff together, you will inevitably hear some pretty unusual comments they received from church members. So I did an informal Twitter poll to get some of these comments in writing.
There were so many good submissions; narrowing the list to twenty was a difficult process. Ultimately, I was able to get the number down to my requisite count. Here they are. Some of the comments have been modified slightly to reflect a direct quote.
- “I am not a Christian; I am a Baptist.” I don’t know why I found this one so funny.
- “Do you grow weed in your closet?” The church member actually wanted to look in the pastor’s closet to confirm his suspicions.
- “Sorry I was late to church. My dog, Rambo, and I have been witnessing to people.” Rambo must be a special dog.
- “I don’t know if I will be able to help with baptism tomorrow. I’m bleeding from my rectum. I think it’s hemorrhoids.” By all means, please stay home.
- “Are you the one who keeps taking the beer off my daddy’s grave?” I’m left wondering how daddy gets the beer.
- “So did you fly or drive there?” That was a question asked of a pastor after he returned from a trip to the continent of Africa.
- “We never had these storms until you came.” Those are words said to a pastor after hurricanes Rita and Ike.
- “You need to turn all the lights up during worship. You can’t worship God when it’s dark because He is light.” There has to be a theological response to that.
- “Can you perform a ceremony just short of marriage for just living together?” Do you take this roommate . . .
- “I really appreciate the content of your sermons, but I can’t stand to watch you as you deliver it.” It would be tough to take that statement as a compliment.
- “I need you to go catch a peacock that escaped!” Of course, that’s item 6c in the job description.
- “ I can tell you have the anointing of God. My cat does too.” It must be a very spirited cat.
- “I can’t run the media and worship God at the same time. I can only worship God with my eyes closed.” Note to that church member: Don’t drive and worship at the same time.
- “Are you and your wife getting a divorce?” This question was asked of a pastor when he announced his resignation. They were not getting a divorce.
- “You need to wear a bra when you preach.” Just to be clear, this statement was said to a male preacher.
- “You blink too much when you preach. You are also a very pale person.” Thank you for your kind words.
- “When are you going to get your own church?” This question was asked of an associate pastor.
- “Top that, preacher!” Words spoken to the pastor by the soloist as she stepped down from the podium.
- “Working here will help you overcome your seminary education.” Somebody doesn’t like seminaries.
- “Congrats. This is our last Sunday. This church is dead.” Words said to a new pastor on his first Sunday at a church.
Sometimes we just need to laugh. I hope these twenty statements provided a bit of humor. Let me hear from you. I know there are so many more. We can probably have many more laughs together.