Twenty More Funny and Strange Things Church Members Say to Pastors and Staff

September 16, 2015
Post Quarantine Church
How to lead a virtual bible study
Cover Expressions

If you get a group of pastors and church staff together, you will inevitably hear some pretty unusual comments they received from church members. So I did an informal Twitter poll to get some of these comments in writing.

There were so many good submissions; narrowing the list to twenty was a difficult process. Ultimately, I was able to get the number down to my requisite count. Here they are. Some of the comments have been modified slightly to reflect a direct quote.

  1. “I am not a Christian; I am a Baptist.” I don’t know why I found this one so funny.
  2. “Do you grow weed in your closet?” The church member actually wanted to look in the pastor’s closet to confirm his suspicions.
  3. “Sorry I was late to church. My dog, Rambo, and I have been witnessing to people.” Rambo must be a special dog.
  4. “I don’t know if I will be able to help with baptism tomorrow. I’m bleeding from my rectum. I think it’s hemorrhoids.” By all means, please stay home.
  5. “Are you the one who keeps taking the beer off my daddy’s grave?” I’m left wondering how daddy gets the beer.
  6. “So did you fly or drive there?” That was a question asked of a pastor after he returned from a trip to the continent of Africa.
  7. “We never had these storms until you came.” Those are words said to a pastor after hurricanes Rita and Ike.
  8. “You need to turn all the lights up during worship. You can’t worship God when it’s dark because He is light.” There has to be a theological response to that.
  9. “Can you perform a ceremony just short of marriage for just living together?” Do you take this roommate . . .
  10. “I really appreciate the content of your sermons, but I can’t stand to watch you as you deliver it.” It would be tough to take that statement as a compliment.
  11. “I need you to go catch a peacock that escaped!” Of course, that’s item 6c in the job description.
  12. “ I can tell you have the anointing of God. My cat does too.” It must be a very spirited cat.
  13. “I can’t run the media and worship God at the same time. I can only worship God with my eyes closed.” Note to that church member: Don’t drive and worship at the same time.
  14. “Are you and your wife getting a divorce?” This question was asked of a pastor when he announced his resignation. They were not getting a divorce.
  15. “You need to wear a bra when you preach.” Just to be clear, this statement was said to a male preacher.
  16. “You blink too much when you preach. You are also a very pale person.” Thank you for your kind words.
  17. “When are you going to get your own church?” This question was asked of an associate pastor.
  18. “Top that, preacher!” Words spoken to the pastor by the soloist as she stepped down from the podium.
  19. “Working here will help you overcome your seminary education.” Somebody doesn’t like seminaries.
  20. “Congrats. This is our last Sunday. This church is dead.” Words said to a new pastor on his first Sunday at a church.

Sometimes we just need to laugh. I hope these twenty statements provided a bit of humor. Let me hear from you. I know there are so many more. We can probably have many more laughs together.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

77 Comments

  • I was in my office at my church one night, when a gentleman from the street, slightly inebriated, came in seeking my counsel.Sensing a high degree of anger, as he told me his story, I asked him if he knew the Lord’s prayer. He assured me that he did so I asked him to pray the Lord’s prayer.

    He bowed his head and said, “now I lay me down to sleep…

  • How about this recent one. ” We would really love to have more kids. We’ve decided your wife would be the perfect surrogate. What do you think?” Yes, this was truly asked. We declined.

  • And you can add this one:

    Why do you keep referring to Jesus as a Jew? Jesus was a Christian.

    (said after a Good Friday service and yes, this is real. You cannot make this stuff up)

  • hahaha – Mine was #13 on the list. I had missed it when Thom put it on his blog, so I came back looking for it.

    Thanks for choosing it Thom.

    It was a lot of fun reading them on Twitter as they came in. But, Thankfully one of the person’s who made that comment to me is still running media. I thank God for him. But it was a pretty funny statement.

    And, thank you for your podcast and your blog. It truly is a blessing in my life.

    God bless,

    Jason Sisam

  • Ok, so this doesn’t quite fit in with things said to a Pastor, but once I doing Pulpit Supply for a church without a Pastor and was asked if I speak spanish. I replied that my spanish was not very good. The deacon then told me “Well you can preach today, but we won’t be offering you the position of Pastor” I wasn’t even applying, I was simply filling the pulpit for one Sunday as a favor to friend.

    However to make this even funnier, 8 months later the church asked me to come on staff as an Associate Pastor.

  • Robert Tague says on

    Recently I delivered a message on the problems of gossip. After the service I had two members come up to me and express how they wished a particular person who had missed the service had been there, “because she really needed to hear it.”

  • Pst Catherine ogalo says on

    What people say about pastors that pastors are lazy that why they are asking for tithe

  • What are some of the amusing things pastors or elders say to those in the congregation? Might be a thought a include that perspective.

  • Maybe #13 should get with #10.
    Two times comments caught me totally off guard:
    1. An angry deacon once told me, “You’re just lucky we like your wife!” as if that were the only reason I was kept around.
    2. A personnel committee member once told me I used too much Bible in my sermons and needed more jokes and funny stories. She said people aren’t interested in hearing that much Bible anymore and suggested I subscribe to a joke service.

  • Jeremy Butler says on

    How about: “I cannot listen to you preach anymore because you drink Dr. Pepper. Don’t you know that Dr. Pepper is the devil’s juice because it can make you drunk.” Not sure what they thought Dr. Pepper was.

  • Pastor Jeff says on

    Every Sunday for 4 years, a man would walk up (uninvited) after the service and hand me his bulletin which included his point by point evaluation of my sermon and an overall grade of 1 – 10!

    The highest I ever got was an 8.5!

1 2 3 4