I consider myself a very blessed man in a number of ways. This blog has become one of my great blessings. One of the reasons I love this blog community is the variety of people who interact on it. There has been an increase in the number of people who aren’t Christians who comment on various posts. I want to share with you the perspective of one young woman on how she views Christians. These comments come directly from her comments on some of my posts. They have not been changed.
On Being Selfish, Not Really Interested in Others
I remember a rather outspoken evangelical Christian young woman I worked with – I’d just moved to town, and we went to a movie together. Each week she invited me to her church, and I didn’t want to offend her by saying “No thanks.” As it was, I had Buddhist activities one Sunday and I was mentoring a young girl two other Sundays, but that theoretically left a Sunday open. We only worked together for 3 months, and it never worked out. I went to a different job.
She showed up there one night, and jumped right to the church invite. No “Hey, how’ve you been? Haven’t seen you in a while!” Nope – just “Do you want to come to church with me this weekend?” Since I was on to her game, I decided to play. I said, “Sure, I’ll go to church with you, because I’m interested in seeing what you’re interested in. That’s what friends do, after all. And I’m sure you’ll want to come with me to a Buddhist meeting to see what I’m interested in, right?”
“Oh no!” she replied. “I just love the Lord so much!”
“Well,” I said, “then there’s no point in me going to your church because I’m not interested in either becoming a Christian or joining your church.” I never saw her again.
That’s how far Christian friendship extends – I’ve seen it over and over and over. Christians look at everyone else as if they’ve got targets painted on their foreheads. Nobody likes being hunted down or treated like someone else’s project. We don’t need to drop all our beliefs just to accept yours, and we don’t need to become more like you just to be acceptable people, worthy of being regarded as people instead of targets. Love does not seek to create clones of itself. Selfishness does.
On Being Self-centered and Judgmental
Keep your religious beliefs to yourself. If I have any interest in what you believe, I’ll ask you. And if I don’t ask you, then go right ahead and assume that your “witnessing” will be unwelcome. I’m sure that you like whatever you believe very much, and I’m very happy that you like it. However, just as your favorite flavor of ice cream is not necessarily going to be mine, I wish you would assume that I’m just as content with my own beliefs (or lack thereof) as you are with yours. Why not ask me first what *I* believe? Why not show an interest in what’s interesting to me instead of expecting me to always be interested in what YOU’RE interested in? Christians are so selfish and self-centered! Tell me – when was the last time an atheist rang your doorbell to tell you about his worldview? The reason the world hates Christians is because they behave badly, they’re rude, boorish, arrogant, conceited, full of themselves, ignorant, and judgmental. Go ahead – accuse me of being judgmental now. Doesn’t matter – I don’t claim to follow a belief system that has actual rules AGAINST being judgmental, so it’s *fine* for me to be!
On Being Unwilling to Develop True Friendships with Non-Christians
As a mother of young children in a homeschooling environment, we found ourselves surrounded by Christians. Of course, the kids would become friends and we moms would chat while they played. Without a single exception, this “acquaintanceship” only progressed to the point that I had to make it clear that no, I would not acceptjesusasmypersonalsavior, and no, I would not be attending their church. Then the Christians never called again, and I was left to explain to my sad children why their new friends wouldn’t be playing with them any more.
When my son was just 6, the boys down the street told him he was not allowed to play with them because he wasn’t a Christian. I went down to see what was going on (because my 4-yr-old daughter was going to go down there and teach those boys a lesson!) and I confirmed that what my son had reported was indeed what they’d said. And the mother of one was right out in the front yard, 25 feet from me, pretending to be very focused on trimming some plants. She never said a word.
Finally, the 6-yr-old girl across the street told my kids, ages 7 and 9, that if they weren’t Christians, they would be going to hell. She certainly learned the “Good News”. And you Christians wonder why we non-Christians avoid you?? HINT: It’s not because we’re intimidated by your awesomeness and are just sitting here, pining for you, wishing you would like us. We already know you don’t.
Your Response?
Frankly, I found these comments painfully true for many of us. Though my first reaction was one of defensiveness, the more I read them, the more I realize that this women has identified many of us Christians too clearly.
What do you think? What is your response?
Posted on June 15, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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302 Comments
As I read her comments and the rest of these, 2 thoughts came to mind. Why are we a Christian? Because it works, because our parents/environment was Christian? Those are opinionated reasons or subjective. Is Christianity true? We need to answer that question, and then decide to really follow Christ, which would mean that we hang out and “love” non-Christians and Christians. Get out of the bubble, that is the great commission. I am a Christian because it’s very reasonable to believe it’s true based on the evidence. At that point it’s not about my preference. I have to deny my preference, because naturally, I don’t prefer the calling of Christ.
My second thought is for Christians and non-Christians to resist judging Christianity based on what Christians do, since Christianity is not works based, however, evaluate Christianity based on what it claims and teaches. That does not mean that Christians get a pass for bad behavior. People can say whatever they want about themselves, but the Spirit in them is much more evident than the personal claim. I’m a sinner, saved by grace, and humbled everyday. I’m looking for opportunities to love, but I’m not perfect at it and pray that God will continue to regenerate me.
Except, Christianity IS what Christians do — and when you see Christians being self-serving, arrogant, self-involved jerks…. why would I, a non-Christian, want to be a part of that? To join the ranks of a people who so obviously don’t even follow the tenets of their own religion?
You don’t get to bury that under a wall of: “Well, Christianity isn’t really about that!”
So why do you behave like that? Nope, not buying that. And I’ve studied the Bible. I’ve joined a church — and you know why I got kicked out? For refusing to pretend to be other than what I was: I refused to wear fancier clothes to church, because I couldn’t justify the cost of clothes set aside just for church when I was struggling to make rent and feed myself. I refused to pretend the backbiting, nasty, arrogant women who spread lies and rumors about me were friends, or welcome in my life (they actually had the nerve to be upset when they were never invited into my home. I’m sorry, I don’t invite venomous snakes into my house.), while spending time with the two or three people who actually went out of their way to actually be decent people to me, the person, not the person they were trying to twist into another person entirely. I refused to allow the Pastor to use me to prove he could ‘control’ me — why would I allow a man so steeped in ignorance and obviously under the influence of these same snakes to have any influence whatever in my life?
So no, thank you. I will judge Christians by their fruits, and your fruits are, on the whole, pretty rotten. If you want non-believers to begin to believe? You have to actually believe — and ACT LIKE — the very man you claim to follow. Otherwise, you’re just lying, and you are seen through.
What does Jesus think of unbelievers and those who refuse genuine invitations to go to church, or who refuse to seek Him?
I have many non Christian friends and I have many family members who are non Christian so I’m well aware of the tension there is on both sides of the fence of belief and non-belief. When you read between the lines this woman is saying that she feels that the love and attention she feels from Christians is not genuine. I don’t question her response. She may long for others to value her friendship for just who she is.
It is tricky sharing your faith in our Western culture. People basically feel that they are “good” and in no need of anything to “save” them. So, we as Christians are trying to be obedient to our Lord in sharing the gospel to a culture that doesn’t need God. I think most Christians genuinely care about their neighbor’s journey into eternity. But, what I see mostly in my non Christian friends and family is that they zero in on any flaws that we the Church have in order to justify their refusal to believe. I think this is a way to calm their conscience. In the end, we all stand before God and answer for our decisions.
I for one certainly appreciate this lady’s honesty concerning her views. We could all take a course in tact when it comes to our ministerial approach, however, we must realize that Christ did give us a commission to reach the lost. There is only one thing more offensive than sharing our views about Christ; and that is remaining silent while men face a Christless eternity. I am certain those in hell are offended by the multitudes of believers who remained silent about their faith and failed to heed warning of eternal damnation. Certainly we should all incorporate tact in our relationships, but truth is truth regardless of personality, preference, or platform.
There are really two sides to the coin here, the Christian behavior and the non-Christian response.
Jesus is a tough sell, we’ve got to stop “selling” him. No doubt our presentation is flawed even by the best of us. We must always be sharpening the pencil. Our point of view, that all are created in the same image of the same God along with what Paul emphasized that when Christ died we ALL died and the only difference is that we received the “good news” and the other did not, needs to come to the forefront to change our behavior. Humility goes a long way in communicating love.
The other side of the coin, I have found lately, is a resurgence of the Cain vs Abel conspiracy. The entirety of scripture has a point made that our identity is wrapped up in what we sacrifice. God made it clear that when we identify with the sacrificed beasts (lamb, bull, etc.) whatever issue they may be pertaining to, the issue is dealt with, between us and Him in accordance to what happened to the said “beast.” The 1st example was following the first couple’s fall. Later, when Cain “saw” God’s favor on Abel’s sacrifice, it wasn’t that just “what” was sacrificed was better, it was whose identity was wrapped up in that sacrifice was better. Cain detested the idea that Abel was better than himself. The truth was that Abel WAS BETTER, not because of behavior, family origin, financial status, race or anthing else – no other competition existed. Abel was better because what he brought to be sacrificed was HIMSELF, the sacrifice was what he identified with. Cain killed Abel because Abel was better than him.
We point to Jesus and we say (like Abel), “That is me.” The world points to ANYTHING ELSE and says (like Cain), “That is me.” Due to the favor put on us because of the sacrifice we choose to “present,” we are better than they. The non-believers see “what” we identify with and are offended, sometimes to the point of murder. It IS our fault because we chose Him, there is where a unique dynamic of evangelistic humilty begins!
Our presentation must embrace their (possible) extreme point of view. Our love must have the capacity to “go there.” Now, there’s a tough sell!
The tension between our responsibility to witness and being holy is difficult to navigate for modern American Christians. Even as a pastor, I wrestle with how much I hang out with unbelievers in social situations, especially those where unchristian practices are prominent, and how aggressive I should be in sharing my faith. Loving on people and waiting for someone to ask me about my faith has never produced any real results, but neither has aggressive witnessing. The command to witness must be obeyed, so must the command to be holy.
Even with our best and most careful efforts, I’m resigned to not be surprised when “the world hates” us. Jesus warned us that they would, but we must patiently, thoughtfully, obediently endure.
What Do Non-Christians Really Think of Us?
Hence, a good reason to have seeker-sensitive churches.
This was a great read. The comments you highlighted pretty much sum up why I quit the ministry and simply can’t do “institutional religion” anymore. Why? Because at the end of the day, an institution has only one real mission: self-preservation. All other proclaimed organizational “visions” or “mission statements” ultimately take a backseat to this need. The result is a warped theology that speaks to all the wonderful ideals we think should be a “no-brainer” for people to embrace, but in practice leads to exactly the dynamics described here. Thanks.
Honestly, I’d rather have my people annoying non-Christians with constant church invitations rather than assuming that they will never believe. The main thing here is that we need to be willing to have a dialogue and try to understand and really love non-Christians. But we need to get to the gospel at some point, and those who would not turn to Christ will not like it, and that’s OK.
Have you considered the possibility that you might alienate more people than you could ever possibly ‘save’ by adopting this strategy?
Not in a million billion years. There’s a reason why that person has latched onto the ideology he has. The stated goal might be persuasion, but there’s a deeper unstated goal driving his behavior.
Can I judge every atheist as mean, self-righteous and hateful because of the one I met that was like that, too?
I’m sorry there are bad example, misguided people who call themselves “Christians.”
We shouldn’t let non-believers and bad example Christians prevent us from sharing the gospel.
That being said, our witness will be more effective if people truly know we truly care about them. While the most important thing in our minds is their salvation, it’s not the most important thing to those who are lost. Why? Because they are spiritually dead. Jesus loved us as we were. We are called to be like Him. I think that includes His love for the lost also.
Good thoughts to reflect on.
You know, I’ve read almost this entire page of comments and after having done so, I’m curious about why Christians in the developed nations feel that they need to go so thoroughly over this same territory over and over again.
Jesus stated about 2000 years ago that he would return when the sheep are gathered (he also said he only came for “the lost sheep of Israel”, to me that means the Jews, not Christians). Jews don’t proselytize and they certainly don’t look for converts. They do offer conversion (in many synagogues, not all) for those who wish to become members of their faith, but, they do not go seeking new adherents. I am curious why Christians, who wouldn’t have their New Testament without the existence of the “Old” (or as I call it, Original) Testament feel the need to convert when the religion their book is based on didn’t? The Christian religion has so many more adherents than the Jewish faith. If Christians would spend half the time actually living the message of Jesus and not trying to push his “saving” abilities on others, I’d have more respect for them.
The “save them” game is about numbers and perpetuation of the church and it’s coffers, not about anything else. Christians will say it’s about saving non-believers from the pit, but that is a message that is warned against in the “ORIGINAL” Testament. (See “Fear, the Pit and the Snare” in Isaiah 24, and for more about the church coffers, go a little further back and start at the beginning of Isaiah 24).
The church leaders are the ones who have dealt treacherously. They have made a business out of religious churches. They have scammed people into giving them money for a make believe story.
The fear of the pit is what makes someone stumble and end up “taken”. I don’t need anyone to tell me about a pit that was invented by a religion that wrote a book based on an already existing book written for an already existing religion who doesn’t believe in Hell.
Why the Christians writers thought it would be a good idea to attach their NEW Testament to a book about Judaism is pure arrogance in my opinion. Christians state their religion supplants the “old” religion. What audacity!
Why don’t you just learn to live with those Samaritans rather than try to convert them? The world has already been so thoroughly gone over for Jesus that it is starting to look like Jesus’ arrival is overdue. Of course, Jesus was hung on a tree, and that means he was cursed. He’s never coming back.
Yeah, I guess the things I say are rather harsh. The fact is, I’ve had numerous attempts to convert me and my children (against my knowledge) and I don’t think there’s much that can make me more angry than meddlesome worshipers of Satan telling my children that they need his “religion”. Leave my children alone.
I wonder how you all would feel if I targeted you for my beliefs? You’re lucky that my beliefs don’t require me to try and convert you.
Jesus stated (in Matthew 25) that when (if) he were to come back, he’d separate the sheep from the goats and he would take the sheep to Heaven. The requirement for one to be sheep and not goats was to live the message of Jesus’ Gospel, to tend to the poor, the sick, the downtrodden… to do “for the least of these”. He said nothing about converting others to his church. You are the ones who are “LOST”, not me.
Couldn’t agree with you more
Christians at their core are totalitarian worshippers and tyrant sympathizers.
You will amazed to see how they justify the genocides against polytheists and non Jews in the Hebrew bible.
That is beyond appalling to me.
Not surprising in the least. As a pastor seeking reconciliation with a family in the church who was irate towards me for confronting a longstanding deacon for creating factions and division in the church, they refused a reconciliation meeting, threatened my job, and threatened to physically abuse me in a Christlike manner if I didn’t leave their property…no kidding! How’s that for brotherly love?