Numbers of gifted persons and organizations have studied the phenomenon of the church “back door,” the metaphorical way we describe people leaving the church. And there will always be the anticipated themes of relocation or personal crises. We should recognize those issues, though we can respond to the latter more than the former.
But all the research studies of which I am aware, including my own, return to one major theme to explain the exodus of church members: a sense of some need not being filled. In other words, these members have ideas of what a local congregation should provide for them, and they leave because those provisions have not been met.
Certainly, we recognize there are many legitimate claims by church members of unfulfilled expectations. It can undoubtedly be the fault of the local congregation and its leaders.
But many times, probably more than we would like to believe, a church member leaves a local body because he or she has a sense of entitlement. I would therefore suggest that the main reason people leave a church is because they have an entitlement mentality rather than a servant mentality.
Look at some of the direct quotes from exit interviews of people who left local congregations:
- “The worship leader refused to listen to me about the songs and music I wanted.”
- “The pastor did not feed me.”
- “No one from my church visited me.”
- “I was not about to support the building program they wanted.”
- “I was out two weeks and no one called me.”
- “They moved the times of the worship services and it messed up my schedule.”
- “I told my pastor to go visit my cousin and he never did.”
Please hear me clearly. Church members should expect some level of ministry and concern. But, for a myriad of reasons beyond the scope of this one article, we have turned church membership into country club membership. You pay your dues and you are entitled to certain benefits.
The biblical basis of church membership is clear in Scripture. The Apostle Paul even uses the “member” metaphor to describe what every believer should be like in a local congregation. In 1 Corinthians 12:12-31, Paul describes church members not by what they should receive in a local church, but by the ministry they should give.
The solution to closing the back door, at least a major part of the solution, is therefore to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality. Of course, it is easy for me to write about it, but it is a greater challenge to effect it.
May I then offer a few steps of a more practical nature to help close the back door by changing the membership mentality? Here are five:
- Inform church members. Though I do not have precise numbers, I would conjecture that more than one-half of church members do not have a biblical understanding of church membership. Providing that information in a new members’ class can move an entire congregation toward a servant mentality.
- Raise the bar of expectations. We have dumbed down church membership in many congregations to where it has little meaning. Clarify expectations of members. Again, doing so in the context of a new members’ class is a great way to begin.
- Mentor members. Take two or three members and begin to mentor them to become biblical church members. After a season, ask them to mentor two or three as well. Let the process grow exponentially.
- Train members. Almost 100 percent of pastors agree that their role is to train and equip members. But almost three-fourths of these pastors have no plans on how they will train them (see Ephesians 4:11-13). I will address this issue more fully on my blog next Wednesday.
- Encourage people to be in small groups. Those in Sunday school classes and small groups are more likely to be informed and functioning church members. In other words, there is a much greater likelihood of a member with a servant mentality being in a small group than not.
What are you doing in your church to close the back door? What are you doing to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality?
Posted on January 21, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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i left my former church after the holy ghost revealed to me that the pastorate was into occultism (and it has been confirmed today). By revelation, he asked me to leave, and directed me to the church where i fellowship now.
I happen to live in a region Where an alarming percentage of pastors practice occultism, witchcraft, voodoo, and other forms of secret romance with the devil, in order to acquire ‘power’ to increase church growth to Mammoth crowd proportions, through the performance of razzmatazz ‘miracles, signs and wonders’…. Consequently translating to bigger offerings and ‘seeds’.
We now have many charismatic ‘pastors’ who are actually PYTHONS ON THE PULPIT, SWALLOWING THE DESTINIES OF PEOPLE. It takes spiritual discernment to identify them, and flee their camps… or stay and risk destruction.
So, it’s not always true that when a person leaves a church, it must be because he/she has an entitlement mentality.
its always the person who leaves the church’s fault, so you say. those reasons that you have mentioned there are common reasons. there are real reasons that people leave the church and sometimes it takes going to the people who left the church and asking them why, instead of blaming them and treating them as villains . as Christians we should be careful not to let the church become a breeding ground for spiritual and emotional abuse. sometimes its not leaders’ fault, its other church members fault who have poisonous, deceitful, jealous spirits and do anything to tarnish other people and destroy their spiritual growth. i was emotionally abused in church by my very friend the one i walked to church with, she was shouting at me all the way to church and blaming me for all sorts of staff i did not do, she said i was disgusting, to the extent that i started questioning God’s love for me, for crying out loud, i am somebody else’s child. and i heard that this girl has been cruel to people that’s why they did not want to play with her, and i was her only friend. i was tolerant at first and i would sleep crying because of her, but i prayed and chose to forgive her. it got to the worst and i decided not to ever go near her again. i gave hints to the leaders, i wanted to talk to them but one of them, cut the phone on me, if the leaders were willing to listen to me and help me with a solution, i was going to stay. but i was like whats the point, im going to church to get bitter, let me avoid church and feel better. it was later that i decided, let me join another church and ever since i stopped playing with that person, i started to believe that God loves me again. at the new church, i serve and im part of a good community, and of course, they are human, they offend me here and there but i forgive them cause its not a habbit. and ive been in that church for years and im glad that ive learnt a lot, the leaders are approachable and kind and are willing to help you grow spiritually they actually helped me through the healing of my emotional wounds from the past church. i have forgiven them, but i remember and it hurts me to see the church blaming people who leave churches without really knowing why. at the church that i left, i just left quietly and noone there knows why i left. it was only after years that i was able to talk about it to a sozo leader who works in the healing rooms at the church that im , attending, who helped me with the healing process.
The reasons given why “people leave a church” are not reasons – they are “excuses” – there is only ever 1 reason a person would leave a Church, the reason is….the person is not in love with Jesus, in other words, not committed. Once a person falls in love with Jesus, Satan will have no power over their choices. Jesus was insulted, mocked, derided etc, yet He still attended Church. Luke 4:16 And he came to Nazareth, where He had been brought up: and, as His custom was, He went into the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and stood up for to read. Jesus was always connected with His Father, therefore, He weathered all the storms life threw at Him. A believer who is always about “his Father’s business” will be a rock solid member.
Here’s the secret truth: people leave churches because of deeper problems that are difficult to articulate, and the offense they cite as the reason is usually a quick/convenient story that sort of crystalizes the underlying system. Instead of an hour-long explanation on why they can’t seem to plug in to a church, they simply recall the most recent disappointment. People don’t walk away from a healthy long-term relationship where they have a lot invested because of one incident. These relationships are so fragile that they can’t survive a setback. That’s the real issue here. When people say “I was out for two weeks and no one called me” this is usually a sign that they noticed it because they expected it, and they expected it because they felt like no one cared. The incident of no one calling them confirmed their sense of isolation.
These surveys would be helpful if they asked more probing questions. “Was there ever a time when you felt secure in this church? Did you have any real friends? Did you feel like you were valued?” I guarantee you, the answers would be “no” for almost everyone who quit.
On POINT. After having served at my old church for almost 10 years, I realized no one cared what I actually did. I had no real friends who accepted me for who I was – a non gossip seaking person focused on my career rather than getting married at 21 and having babies. I had not felt secure in a LONG time before I left.
in all honestly nothing of this blog applied to me I’ve been thinking to stop attending church for good, i grew up in the same church as an Apostolic Pentecostal but now as adult the church has changed a lot it’s not what it used to be. i have been putting up with a lot of nonsense from the brotherhood i have been in several churches through the years but everywhere is the same the brother or sister who insists in trying to make you feel that you dont belong or that you don’t fit in I’m a very introverted person, I think God made me this why and it’s very hard for me to fake being like them for acceptance and the hypocrisy trying to make you feel guilty because you probably did something to offend them enough is enough i will never stop believing in God because of them people and the church system change but he will be the only one who loves me and accepts me just the way I’m i gotta stop putting up with all their negativity and drama every Sunday and Wednesdays .. I deserve better from people around me ! and church is not the place to find happiness all are very Phoney !
Our church was dying. Due to staff and membership. Balance and stability is important. People needed to talk. Pastor took the most faithful people in church and we all had a meeting about things we hated in church and loved- what and who could help facilitate needs- we were open to hear the most difficult things- to hear each other- to keep each other accountable. It was to hear each other’s dreams and visions- fears- and It was a safe place to speak without being judged. It wasn’t for anyone to go on a tangent or in attack mode. It wasn’t about any one person- it was about church as a whole and done with prayer. Our church is in revival mode because of the few who wouldn’t give up and the few who were humbled and repented- the few who stepped down from certain positions to pick up new ones. Its in revival because God is finally alive when it comes to application rather than just word and there is power when things are done in Truth AND Spirit. Not by our might or people’s power- but by Christ alone.
Some leave because of boredom and feeling that they are attending a variety hour television show every week. Very little substance presented. No discussion of serious cultural issues. No discussion of abortion, socialism, serious decline of church attendance, absense of church attendance in Europe, what Islam has done to Europe and and may do to the U.S. No attempt to reign in projects and constant requests for more money. Use of bible study sessions to discuss things that have been repeated over and over again ad nauseum and at a forth grade level. Too much entertainment by the choir, the soloist or the appointed violinist of the day. The Romans allowed gladiator spectacles in the Coloseum to keep the people under control. Our churches are doing the same thing. Unfortunately, none of any of the above will work. Too much caution among the hired hands and too much political correctness. Gotta watch that bottom line.
i am 24 years old now and serves in our church for almost 13 years with a goal of serving the lord with all my heart, and i was also become a servant leader sharing my time talent and treasure for 4 years, and i was also became confused before and tried to attend in many sects in our country… but this what really bothers me…. they are both attacking each other, they both tell words to destroy other sect to make their sect dominant and real to the eyes of many. some collects money with a percentage from your minimum income, and i also saw and meet many hypocrite pastors and priests. and i wonder why they have luxurious life if they called their church as “church of the poor”. some church officials have abused my talents and skills for their self glory and receives a lot of claps from the church members rather than telling them to magnify God to whom i offer all the things i do. and others making issues against their church mates and it was a shocking thing that for all i thought religion can help and guide me to be a better person. if then? how? which is better? listen to a bible meeting which a hypocrite pastor is the preacher? or reading and understand the bible on my own at home? attending my church service schedule and be bothered and distracted by the other members whispering at my back talking about negative issues against other members? or lock the door of my room at home and talk to God peacefully? by my experiences i learned and realize that maybe church can’t save my soul…. but its my personal connection to God by means of prayers.
Drixelle:
I share your frustrations. I believe prayer to be one of the greatest privileges granted to us by God. What must it be like for Jesus, Who is even now pleading our case before the Father?
It is Satan (the “accuser”) who exploits our sin nature. Thus, our Lord instructs us to pray, “lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” I too am tempted to go it alone, with God at my side of course, but Jesus calls us to relationship with Him and one another. And, whoever claims to abide in Jesus must walk as He walked – amen?
So regardless of the fact that even believers continue to sin, we are to take Jesus’ yoke – learn from His example – be gentle and humble in heart – wash one another’s feet. Even those who irritate us as they walk into the sanctuary late carrying a cup of coffee and talking with the pastor is trying to pray.
Jesus loves you and you are part of His Body, His Bride, the Church! Forgiveness, Mercy, and Grace is part of Who we strive to represent. Because the Holy Spirit lives in you – you can serve others without recognition from people. And, you can worship in a way that instructs others. Lead by example, others are watching!
My old church is “cliquey”. I used to jokingly think we were treated like deity there: our existence was ignored until they wanted something, or wanted us to do something.
If I had an idea or a suggestion, I’d bring it to the men where I was told to mow the grass, pick up trash, change light bulbs, oil hinges, and keep quiet.
The last straw came when I was hit with dizzy spells & nausea and was taken by ambulance to the hospital over Labor Day. I was discharged the next afternoon. While I was in the hospital and after I was home, there were no visits, no phone calls, no cards, no well wishes.
I stopped going to church and shortly afterwards, began hearing through the grapevine about what a disappointment we had become to the church and the membership, but neither the Pastor nor a single member came out to visit and talk to me. Not one.
My wife and I used to call on members and ask to visit. We would put together a meal or some sort of dessert and go over for visit & fellowship. No one reciprocated. But guess who would be called upon for dishes to pass at a fellowship dinner following services, or help prepare the church for a funeral, or assist with teens during youth group activities?
A couple months ago, I got a phone call that the church had voted erasure of my membership for lack of attendance. I told them I was fine with that, as I was already gone.
I can’t help but feel a little bitter towards my old church. They should have a new sign made: “First Baptist Church of ******: where many are cold and few are frozen.”
People have to feel needed, loved, included, and appreciated in a church; not vie for initiation into a “good-ole boy” club after gaining membership.
They don’t believe what they preach.
They say one thing behind the pulpit and another away from it.
Minutes after the message about its my job as a pastor they say its not my job to do that! its not right proper or biblical!
So much for help, backup, or support in my times of need.
Their words mean nothing.
Lost track of how many times have I heard from the street preachers where I used to go to church when I could, if you give us your information we will make sure you get a ride!
I listen to preaching online.
Nothing EVER came came of it in any way shape or form.
So this is going to be a tough topic. For the past 14 years I’ve considered myself a Christian/believer in Jesus. My story is probably unlike any other story you’ve ever heard. But the problem is it’s also exactly like every other story you’ve ever heard. I want to be careful what I say here, because the truth is, there are some Christians out there who are extremely loving unconditionally. But the vast majority are just people who hurt people, don’t accept that they are in fact hurting and harming people.
From the first week I walked into a church this has been true.
The very first week I walked into a church, my only Christian friend told me there was nothing in the Bible that said we have to be friends (which actually isn’t true: Do not forsake your friend or a friend of your family, and do not go to your relative’s house when disaster strikes you– better a neighbor nearby than a relative far away. Proverbs 28:10; “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. – Matthew 5:23). I asked this person if I had done anything wrong, and she said no, I was just being myself. So I have done nothing wrong but must be excluded.
A lot of people quote Romans 12:8 saying as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone, in order to justify ending friendships, for whatever minor or major reason they have, no matter how small or big. but notice the difference in context. In Matthew, Jesus is speaking to believers. In Romans, Paul is talking about non-christian Roman soldiers trying to kill Christians. Very big difference.
So I took a hit, somehow I still kept going. This was the first week, and already experienced the hate, I tried the whole “forgiving without reconciling thing” because apparently that’s the Christlike thing to do.
I’ll be honest…college was probably one of the better times when it came to church and church events. I’m not really sure why. But I did see one thing that made an incredible difference and did give me hope. Our campus crusade on some nights would contain catholics, mormons, presbyterians, pentecostals, all different denominations. The division that so many people raged against was just gone.
But when I went back home, things weren’t so crystal clear. I began trying out other churches. The first church I went to in this period, I was met by a former coworker, who came up to me and said I should leave and find a different church. I asked if I had done anything wrong. Still no answers.
So I did, I found another church. I had been dating a girl and found out she cheated on me, so I yelled at her. And even then I tried blaming myself and apologizing and reconciling. In this case it was even brought to the pastor and apparently she said she would leave if I continued going there, and the pastor said even though he agreed with me, asked me to leave until she left and then I could come back.
So I left and found another church. This church quite frankly seemed fantastic. Everybody was loving caring. They encouraged me to get involved, serve, and I did, and this all went on for years, without a hint of negativity. When it all came crashing down. When in fact the pastor’s own family came to me, called me barely tolerable, and when I tried to work things out was told my feelings are not their “responsibility.” Well actually…let’s think of an example. If someone is driving recklessly, and damages your property, whose responsible? The owner, or the reckless driver? The driver is the one who is LIABLE, right? So when you leave emotional scars on someone, it actually is entirely your responsibility to fix it. I tried reaching out to both pastors to get an explanation for some biblical support for their boundaries belief, genuinely wanting to give them a chance. I was ignored. I asked them this because I discovered articles proving the authors of boundaries encouraged people to get divorced within 5 minutes of talking to one person, and making fun of less fortunate people.
And this was the final straw for me. If you can’t love the emotional person whose only issue is he wants to be loved and accepted, then you sure as heck you can’t love the atheist, the drunk, the drug addict, or anyone else. Because here’s the harsh truth: That person might be transformed, and stop drinking let’s say. But the minute you reject him from your life, guess where he’s right back to? Drinking. If someone’s issue is they want to be loved by the church, and the church can’t love that person, then what are you even doing?
So this is my way of saying I no longer wish to be associated with Christians. I’m still on the fence about whether or not I believe in God/Jesus, but the pain and damage caused to me by the church over the years has been more than enough reason to stop going. Maybe my boundary needs to be the church itself.
And please understand, there are a few of you who have been incredible, please understand that, like anything else, there are exceptions to this, and you probably know who you are and please know that this is not really directed at you. I do love the people who genuinely loved me, but what’s hard is knowing that I love the people who don’t love me, but I can’t put myself in a position knowing you’re actively telling people God loves them while still hating someone who genuinely loved you.