Numbers of gifted persons and organizations have studied the phenomenon of the church “back door,” the metaphorical way we describe people leaving the church. And there will always be the anticipated themes of relocation or personal crises. We should recognize those issues, though we can respond to the latter more than the former.
But all the research studies of which I am aware, including my own, return to one major theme to explain the exodus of church members: a sense of some need not being filled. In other words, these members have ideas of what a local congregation should provide for them, and they leave because those provisions have not been met.
Certainly, we recognize there are many legitimate claims by church members of unfulfilled expectations. It can undoubtedly be the fault of the local congregation and its leaders.
But many times, probably more than we would like to believe, a church member leaves a local body because he or she has a sense of entitlement. I would therefore suggest that the main reason people leave a church is because they have an entitlement mentality rather than a servant mentality.
Look at some of the direct quotes from exit interviews of people who left local congregations:
- “The worship leader refused to listen to me about the songs and music I wanted.”
- “The pastor did not feed me.”
- “No one from my church visited me.”
- “I was not about to support the building program they wanted.”
- “I was out two weeks and no one called me.”
- “They moved the times of the worship services and it messed up my schedule.”
- “I told my pastor to go visit my cousin and he never did.”
Please hear me clearly. Church members should expect some level of ministry and concern. But, for a myriad of reasons beyond the scope of this one article, we have turned church membership into country club membership. You pay your dues and you are entitled to certain benefits.
The biblical basis of church membership is clear in Scripture. The Apostle Paul even uses the “member” metaphor to describe what every believer should be like in a local congregation. In 1 Corinthians 12:12-31, Paul describes church members not by what they should receive in a local church, but by the ministry they should give.
The solution to closing the back door, at least a major part of the solution, is therefore to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality. Of course, it is easy for me to write about it, but it is a greater challenge to effect it.
May I then offer a few steps of a more practical nature to help close the back door by changing the membership mentality? Here are five:
- Inform church members. Though I do not have precise numbers, I would conjecture that more than one-half of church members do not have a biblical understanding of church membership. Providing that information in a new members’ class can move an entire congregation toward a servant mentality.
- Raise the bar of expectations. We have dumbed down church membership in many congregations to where it has little meaning. Clarify expectations of members. Again, doing so in the context of a new members’ class is a great way to begin.
- Mentor members. Take two or three members and begin to mentor them to become biblical church members. After a season, ask them to mentor two or three as well. Let the process grow exponentially.
- Train members. Almost 100 percent of pastors agree that their role is to train and equip members. But almost three-fourths of these pastors have no plans on how they will train them (see Ephesians 4:11-13). I will address this issue more fully on my blog next Wednesday.
- Encourage people to be in small groups. Those in Sunday school classes and small groups are more likely to be informed and functioning church members. In other words, there is a much greater likelihood of a member with a servant mentality being in a small group than not.
What are you doing in your church to close the back door? What are you doing to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality?
Posted on January 21, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
More from Thom
588 Comments
You missed the most important reason.
I have spent 40 years figuring out the Lutheran mess and have concluded there is only one church body, the Missouri Synod, that has a solid theological foundation. So you’ve put the shoe on the wrong foot! I’ve left Lutheran congregations because they belong to confused church bodies, but the people in the pews tolerate the heresy and false teaching and stay. I won’t, and I leave with FULL CONVICTION!
Blessed day pastor Thom,i need your advice, we’re Christian,my husband are stopping me doing ministry in church,its feel me very stressful,he and our church Leaders had misunderstanding,because of that.
Please what is your advice to me.
Church is a continuation of high school. You have the “ins” and you have the “outs”. The ins hold all the offices and do all the work, conduct the services and have special meetings on how to include more of the congregation by trying to get everybody else to be like they are. When that doesn’t happen, the ins look down on the outs as not being very with it, the outs resent the exclusion, sit near the back and gradually edge toward the door until they’re finally gone for good.
I’ve been on both sides. Neither place is all that great.
I agree Pam. Many churches are like high school and you are correct: There are the “ins” and the “outs”. I used to be an “in”. Now, apparently I’m an “out”. Due to some verbal mishaps with one congregant (my fault) and some misunderstandings, I have been marginalized by around five handfuls of people in the church – i.e.: the congregant’s relatives, friends etc. Do they know me personally? No. Did they want to get to know me? No. Did the party I offend wish to discuss where I went wrong for some means to work things out as what the Bible instructs? No. So I e-mailed them and expressed my apologies with an open invitation to discuss anything I may have missed they would like to point out, plus I also mentioned that I didn’t mean to be offensive. That e-mail was sent weeks ago. They didn’t respond. Can you imagine how such people would feel if Christ ignored their apologetical prayers for offending Him with their tresspasses?
You know, the Bible speaks of stumbling blocks in the church and how God’s followers are not to be so. Some folks just don’t care and are stumbling blocks anyway. I also know that I should forgive those who misjudge and mislabel me over misunderstandings they apparently don’t wish to discuss. Yet the Bible instructs us to work things out does it not? It instructs us to work out any offenses that were caused from one to another. So I tried, yet it seems they won’t budge. I did my part and it’s now out of my hands. I’m not mad, I’m just deeply disappointed.
Makes me ask myself: Is this seriously a church, or is this just another country club? Makes me wonder just how many people in that congregation are simply giving lip service and who are just going through the motions. Numbers of them sadly do. They are abusing God’s Grace. Pray for them.
The Lord instructed me to keep attending anyway as and push through the fire. But could I really do that? Does not one’s strength wear down? Does not one become drained? I know I am to not go there for the people and to just go for God. But come on.. Could you honestly go someplace where several handfuls of people unjustly marginalize you without wishing to discuss it and who don’t really know you to boot? Could you honestly attend every Sunday while various people take turns at giving you the evil eye – reminding you with their scowls what you did without you really knowing exactly what it was you have done wrong, because they don’t wish to discuss it? Now of course there are those who do like me in the congregation, but that gets stomped out very quickly by the numbers of those who do not? It’s very little comfort to be honest. The warm comfort gets canceled by the cold comfort. Yet I still press through the fire – even though after almost every sermon I come out of the church feeling just as withdrawn and no better than I was before going in. Some Sundays are ok – but extremely few and far between.
Yet where is the Pastor in all of this? Nowhere to be seen. It’s an mundane drama for him and he has better things to do. Then what good is he? Why is he even a pastor if he can’t even try to mediate a conflict between two parties? How many people could honestly say they could still attend such a place like this (and related churches) without getting depressed, discouraged and withdrawn in the process? How many? Not many. So who would be the weak one, me or them? I still attend. I go home after the service finishes at noon. Nobody fellowships with me in this congregation after service. Nobody ever really did and I have attended for years. They don’t call or text me either on their own recognizance – I have to always be the one who contacts them first. People get busy, I understand, but nobody gets that busy. Sorry.
That’s right! Make it the members fault and cloak it with “they don’t have a servanthood mentality” and in the mean time the clergy rakes in the dough while the members offer their time, talent and dough to the church whilst holding down a forty hour a week job, or two jobs!
In my opinion Pastors who hold that idea really should volunteer their services to the church and make their incomes from another source independent of the congregation they serve.
Remember to always lay the blame with the congregants. Show them their sin and rake in the proceeds while Mr/Ms Pastor complain about folks bouncing out the back door.
Who are the people who really need the lessons on giving?
Please don’t send me an e mail requesting money!
Jesus loves me dearly! And Jesus loves you too!
I don’t think it’s a sense of entitlement in the way you describe. I’m sure I’m ‘wrong’ in your eyes on this, but at certain point in my life, things were so terrible that I called out to God in a way I never had before. I started reading the Bible in earnest, I watched tv pastors, youtube, and read various websites online. I was still hurting, needing ‘real life’ contact from a group that took God seriously. I found a very nice church. I attended regularly. The first couple of weeks, one person bothered to reach out and talk to me after service beyond the useless and forced ‘handshaking’ in the middle of service. I went seeking help with healing, a place where people had been practicing being Godly regularly and hoping that benefits of their evolving through Christ would be beneficial in my healing and that in turn, I could then become a servant to others in the same way. But, if I couldn’t be healed first, then how could I serve anyone, especially God? What I found was that I was expected to serve immediately in ways that left me feeling like I personally didn’t matter only what I could do for others and those longtime members – some of which I had occasion to know for decades – were one way (re: fake) at church and absolute jerks in real life. Or, in church terms, hypocrites. I had heard the sermons about applying one’s faith and practices. All very nice in theory, but the same people that volunteered for projects would be the same cranky, nasty people any other time you saw them out in the world – the kind that shove shopping carts at you so their precious brood of pre-teens can walk past you in the store aisle, obviously not recognizing you from church where those same children carry the Bible and candles & she can teach Sunday school while her husband can be on the consistory. So, after two years of not feeling the healing, I retreated back to the Bible, maybe occasionally watching service online. But, when it’s obvious the ‘church’ of people are ‘serving’ God by singing in the choir as if they are the lead in an opera or volunteering for the lost youth or even better asking me to pay for their kids trips to Belize, and then being hypocrites to people during the course of the everyday… well, I don’t think that is what Jesus had in mind. I think THAT is the epitome of being self-serving so they can feel good about themselves. Perhaps if churches spent a couple of weeks asking why someone new joined and giving them the love that they sought, God’s love as applied in this life, then they would feel ‘fulfilled’ and full of companionship in God and be happy to be God’s servant as intended. People don’t go to church to serve God, they go because of how it looks to whomever they are trying to impress. It’s the people that leave that are more interested in being with God, but are not finding it in church.
Oh, lest you think it was only one church where this happened. Let me assure you, it was not. This was a few nice churches that had excellent reputations and were around for many decades. God is found in the true kindness of others…every notice those are not the people that are ‘churched’? If you think otherwise, look again.
This explains EXACTLY what I’m going through with mine sadly and I’ve been deliberating whether I should stay in my church or not. My last church treated me like… Not good. They were going downhill fast though and my dad tried to point out things that weren’t biblical but ultimately we got put on the outs and abandoned. Which didn’t really look different then how we were treated before, it was just more pronounced towards even me who kept to myself 90% of the time.
But with my current church I joined because I absolutely loved what the pastor was teaching. I was learning again about God and was excited to go every Sunday. But I got extremely sick and ended up in the hospital and sent home with a machine to keep me alive basically for almost an entire year. I don’t remember much during that honestly and then I decided I needed some serious medical help and went to an inpatient hospital out of state for 6 months. By the time I came home way healthier than I ever have been, the pastor was leaving to help another church across country. Totally fine though since I understood that that church needed some serious help and he decided it was time to go help them. Ever since I came home though and got my license to drive, I’ve been trying to be more active in the church. Go to prayer meetings and members meetings and even joined a small group Bible study all on my own which is an extremely big thing because I have lots of anxiety and diagnosed with several mental illnesses.
At the end of last year though I got very sick again. My gallbladder decided it had enough with me and I had surgery to get it removed on my birthday. I got emotionally messed up from that and also a lot of things happened after that that caused massive amounts of stress and my mental illnesses had a field day. (Still not better) Suicide became a popular thought in my head. I reached out 3 times to my pastors and nothing was really done about it. I was told to go out and make friends with people at the church, serve them. I sat there and mentally did a… What? I couldn’t even hardly take care of my own physical needs at home, how the hell am I supposed to serve another? I had been trying ever since I got back from the hospital to try and talk with people, get to know them and try and befriend with very little success. (One girl though I met there is possibly a friend now though. I’m not sure. I’m scared to call anyone that right now.) I even signed a release form from my therapist so she could talk to my pastor and even my parents spoke to him. They thought it went well. It didn’t. I still got the same treatment as before.
Now I know that with the risk of the virus and now the riots and stuff has made things more difficult for church leaders and everyone else. I am trying to see the bigger picture here and not judge what is going on completely as them not caring. But with several attempts to talk to them about it, I’m at my wit’s end because they aren’t trying to help at all. Maybe a text once or twice every couple of weeks to see how I’m doing. (The one girl though does try and see if I’d like to join her in something and even comes to visit sometimes.)
I came here wondering if I was in the wrong in my feelings of resentment that’s building up towards the leaders because I know my mental illnesses can mess with reality. Maybe I was expecting too much? I don’t know. But this blog and your comment made me feel more valid in how I felt. I know pastors are not trained in mental issues and don’t know how to speak to people who do have them aside from reassuring people about what God has said in the Bible about us and anxiety and stuff. I don’t expect them to be able to know exactly what to say or much to say at all but I’d like at least that reassurance and sending me verses. At the very least I’ve asked for prayer which a few people have said that they are. I want to leave the church but I’m afraid of asking to be released and them confronting me as to why I do because I don’t deal with confrontation well and I’m not in a good headspace.
Long comment I know lol but thank you for your input on this topic. I’m going to continue praying and seeing what my parents have to say about it. Mom has asked me if I wanted to leave a couple times and said that we can go looking for another church, but with the virus being a big threat I don’t feel safe to go check out new places. But I don’t want to be here anymore in this church 80% of the time now. I’m not sure what to do.
Please read the thesis God compelled me to write on Church Growth Decline. I have read your reasons for this issue. My thesis will point out problems you have missed. I would like a reply on your thoughts after you read it, fair enough?
Tom Randolph
Founder/Facilitator of BibleThinkTank.com
cell: 321-527-9372
Here is the link: biblethinktank.com/thesis
Phillipains 2: 1,2, “Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being in one spirit and purpose.” Throughout scripture, believers are instructed to be of like mind. and 1 Corinthians 1:10, we are told there aren’t to be divisions among us. How many churches today are like-minded and without division? None that I know of. I “came out from among them” a long time ago and my relationship with Christ is stronger than ever.
Is it right for a pastor to judge you? I was baptized into a rather large church and I really liked the pastor and learned a lot from him.However, due to a group in the church I felt as thought I never fit in. This group either worked for the church the college or the academy a pre k through 12 grade school. I felt like they always judged me because my family didnt measure up to their standards mainly if you didnt fit into to their circle you had no business being there. I had some personal things going on and stopped going. Years later my uncle told me that christians are suppose to be perfect I am not. I recently spoke with the pastor again it had been years since we last spoke. I was so happy to hear from him and he started with judgemental comments again I admitted to him that he was right about saying that I need a biblical foundation, however not loving being verbally judged by him once again. Are pastors suppose to judge people?
What if you try to serve, asking multiple people, multiple times, and no one responds to you? Instead it becomes obvious they keep recycling the same people over and over. Much of the fellowship in church comes through serving in the church. Without all of that, beyond learning, why be there?
Who have you been reaching out to? is it the pastor, or the team leads? I agree that this is an issue. As a pastor myself I recently found out that there were people on my staff (who are no longer on my staff) who had multiple people asking them to serve, but like you, they were never contacted.
The problem may be as simple as oversight, but it could also be as complex as insecure leadership. If its insecure leadership, they may be anxious that you will be hard to lead, exponentially talented thus making their role less, or that they arent sure how to handle other people and need help.
I may recommend coming alongside those leaders and being available to them for a few Sundays just to see where they may need longer term help.
That’s sorta the situation I’m in now !
I wanted the job of cleaning the church when the past people wanted to stop doing it and we had just got a new preacher and he’s well liked , But young, 25, and his wife is 19 .
Well the 19 year olds biological mother ended up loosing custody of her and some of her other siblings earlier on Before she had even met the preacher !
But anyway , as soon as her daughter married this preacher and got voted into the church to be the regular pastor, the biological mother started coming to this church !
Well instead of me getting the job , the preachers mother in law got the job – $400.00 month ,she’s not even a member !
I really am so hurt over this , considering I wanted the job before she even started coming to the church !
I’m trying to reach God And Country, I’m a mother of 5 married 17 yrs before he left me with nothing, promise’s broken about him paying rent and diapers, pullups, food, I lost everything including my kids, the only thing that got me thru was king and country, and even after that, my husband killed my 2 little boys, 5&9 and all I can do is keep hearing their music, it really does help
Many people go to church just to look good and feel good. They go through the motions and give lip service. Nothing more. They have prayer groups with videos and things of how to be a better Christian, but after those sessions are done, they’re still they same ole hum drum people as before – didn’t learn a thing. That’s because these people are weeds. Yet many pastors won’t discipline or call out such people because those who are called out are the bread n butter to the pastors pocket books.
A sad fact remains here: It appears as though Satan’s people of the World treat Satan’s people better than God’s people of the Church treat God’s people – sending more people to Satan that from Satan to God. And this brings a cheek to cheek smile to the face of the wicked one. Many churches seem to be facades now – empty buildings with mostly cobwebs and skeletons for members. A horror story if I and others ever saw one. Funeral homes, grave yards.
This is why many pastors shouldn’t even be employed to begin with and that’s also why many churches shouldn’t even be open anymore either. God will hold many of these so-called “church attendees” and their “leaders” accountable for their actions, having no idea of the kind of major spiritual trouble these folks are actually in. If only they knew, but many don’t, because numbers of them are more cultural than anything else and it is such parasites who also abuse Grace – bleeding it dry for all it’s worth. Pray for their deliverance from their wicked ways. For the Bible says even demons believe and tremble in addition those who have a form of godliness but thus deny its power. From such turn away.
People mainly are not being self serving- when I grow up I’m not going to go to my church-I’m going to change to a church where they actually care- and I like their basis and beliefs.
I AM IN THE STUDENT MINISTRY AT MY CHURCH.
I think that a lot of people leave my church because they only focus on your faults and always try to find them in the context of the text we did and think that everyone has them when most of the time they don’t apply to me because I don’t care what others think of me, I don’t care about having friends, and I always stand out and am unique, because I’ve never been allowed to wear the same clothing as most people-its too tight. I also think that it’s because churches now say that “your not being a good Christian, unless you bring your Bible, notebook, and pen; and write down the things from the sermon.”- I like to just let everything empty into my head- they act like its a sin to not bring your Bible, notebook, and pen- also a lot of the sermons they teach us in the student ministry don’t apply to me anyways.
Hi Brother Thom,
I think many missed the more obvious point of your article…at least it seemed to me. The point is we don’t come to be served but to serve. Now having said that, many will say not everyone is a servant, meaning the staff does the serving. Perhaps that is the mentality that we need to address from our pulpits. (discipleship needed)
Thanks for your work, my friend.
I belong to a church that is more cultural and business oriented than anything else. There’s good programs but the pastor is a bit of a showman who seems skin deep, selective in who he talks to and seems to prefer to do things his way. I tried confronting him in a gentle and humble way about why we should have more service than the usual humdrum relic of “just one service every Sunday morning”. Instead he came up with reasons not to do that and just wanted to have things stay the way they are – one hum drum morning service a week. Yep, a real winner if I ever saw one. NOT. In addition, the man acts like the church is more of a business than a church of the living God. This man is in the wrong line of work.
Some conflicts between members don’t get resolved and yet those who have been hurt are expected to just accept it, due to specific cultural differences? Screw “culture”. We are not Ukrainian Christians nor Russian Christians nor Japanese Christians that worship flags and nations we’re from or in. That’s garbage. We are CHRISTIANS. Plain and simple. Nothing else. So we are to ACT like Christians. Never mind how your “cultural heritage” brought you up. Only look to how GOD brings you up if you are a child of the Most High. Leave “culture” out of this. If someone offends you and doesn’t want to fix it because of “how they were raised in their culture”, they shouldn’t even be in a church to begin with – especially if they don’t want to improve. To them I say, “Go back out into the world and be a part of “its” rituals – stay out of the house of the Lord because you are a stumbling block.” Church is supposed to be a place of healing – not a place of hurting without resolve and not a place of a superficial culture. Church is supposed to be a hospital – not an edifice that puts people into a hospital.
And Pastors need to get off of their high horses and stop blaming each and every individual as the ones with the problems as to why they left. That’s a cop out. It just means that the church or Pastors are running from their own issues. And when they’re called out on such, they do away with the one who has opened their eyes and pointed out an infraction. Don’t get me wrong: Some exiters do have issues, but not all.
There’s Pastors out there who exploit Scriptures for their control which would include pussy footing around the church and not doing anything except enjoying the fringe benefits of being called a “Pastor”, while sitting behind a desk, putting their feet up and filing their nails. Churches need to fess up and recognize that maybe it is they who have the problem – not so much the person who is leaving. You want to talk about entitlement? What about a variety of churches who seem to just go through the motions but make a seemingly consistent point in talking about tithes when they don’t talk about much of anything else except sugar coated sermons so as not to offend anyone? What about churches that water down the Gospel by leaving out parts that offend people and just preach the fluffy elements because they compete with other churches for numbers? Isn’t that a form of entitlement? But hey, they’re entitled because they’re churches and Pastors right? Just because an edifice calls itself a “Church” and someone calls himself or herself a “Pastor” doesn’t necessarily mean that they are.