NEW RELATED POST: Should Your Church Stop Having a Stand and Greet Time?
If you attend a church regularly, you’ve probably noticed the phenomenon. A guest shows up for a worship service, but he or she never returns. It is, unfortunately, a common issue in many churches.
I did a Twitter poll to ask these first-time guests why they chose not to return to a particular church. While some of the responses were anticipated, I admit being a bit surprised with some of them.
Though my poll is not scientific, it is nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top ten responses in order of frequency.
- Having a stand up and greet one another time in the worship service. This response was my greatest surprise for two reasons. First, I was surprised how much guests are really uncomfortable during this time. Second, I was really surprised that it was the most frequent response.
- Unfriendly church members. This response was anticipated. But the surprise was the number of respondents who included non-genuine friendliness in their answers. In other words, the guests perceived some of the church members were faking it.
- Unsafe and unclean children’s area. This response generated the greatest emotional reactions. If your church does not give a high priority to children, don’t expect young families to attend.
- No place to get information. If your church does not have a clear and obvious place to get information, you probably have lowered the chances of a return visit by half. There should also be someone to greet and assist guests at that information center as well.
- Bad church website. Most of the church guests went to the church website before they attended a worship service. Even if they attended the service after visiting a bad website, they attended with a prejudicial perspective. The two indispensable items guests want on a website are address and times of service. It’s just that basic.
- Poor signage. If you have been attending a church for a few weeks, you forget all about the signage. You don’t need it any more. But guests do. And they are frustrated when it’s not there.
- Insider church language. Most of the respondents were not referring to theological language as much as language that only the members know. My favorite example was: “The WMU will meet in the CLC in the room where the GAs usually meet.”
- Boring or bad service. My surprise was not the presence of this item. The surprise was that it was not ranked higher.
- Members telling guests that they were in their seat or pew. Yes, this obviously still takes place in some churches.
- Dirty facilities. Some of the comments: “Didn’t look like it had been cleaned in a week.” “No trash cans anywhere.” Restrooms were worse than a bad truck stop.” “Pews had more stains than a Tide commercial.”
There you have it. The top ten reasons first-time guests said they did not return to a church. I can’t wait to hear from you readers. You always have such good additions and insights.
Posted on November 1, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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539 Comments
For me it’s about follow up. If a church takes the time to have you fill out a guest info request and never calls or visits then you don’t feel like they care one or the other. A generic mail out Thank you for visiting is not personal.
I do a lot better when “church” is just me and my family at home. Being an introvert, I am uncomfortable every single time I go to church, but it seems like corporate worship these days is geared towards engaging extroverts. The part where we stand and greet our neighbors is the worst. It kicks my social anxiety into overdrive. I don’t know what to say. And I know not alone. My son, who is nine, hates it. My mom, also an introvert, hates it. My sister can’t handle it, so she always heads for the bathroom. But because people like us – introverts – don’t speak up and let our churches know how uncomfortable we are (also with the other dozens of expected social and the implication that something is wrong if we don’t participate), the “Jesus loves extroverts best” ideal continues. And we just leave.
I had started going to a church one of my co-workers was very involved with and I did like going until we were talking one day at work and mentioned Easter was coming up and I wanted to come to his church. He told me his pastor called people like “me” C & E Christians. I asked what he meant by that and he said, “Oh, our pastor says we always get a lot of people come at Easter and Christmas and “those people” he calls C & E Christians.” I then asked, “your pastor said that?” after which he smiled and said yes. Needless to say, I believe I never went back.
Why would you take offense to something that is true? Thousands (maybe millions?) of professing Christians only go to church on Christmas and Easter. “Those people” are indeed C & E Christians. No need to take offense to that. It’s not an insult no matter how you take it….
I have heard the term “C & Es” many times and it usually is said in a negative tone. So yes, if I heard a pastor say that, I would be offended. I remember going to a Christmas midnight mass service years ago in a different church. You could hear the mumblings in the pews about “all these C & Es” packing the church so full that there was no where to sit (it was standing room only, but Christmas Midnight masses usually are extremely popular). To say the least, I never visited that church again. I have heard other priests (I am Catholic) making comments about “C & E Catholics” in the homilies and yes it is a turn off. Many Catholics, even if they are not regular church goers, tend to always go to Ash Wednesday service and receive ashes. There are usually some negative comments then to. Why pass judgement on others who may attend church only on holy days? At least they are there….
I have only gone to church once, and the reason I never went back was not listed here. I was fairly young, and my friends invited my to what they said was a non-religious event at their church. However, at the end of the event, they had all of the kids that were brought there for the first time into a room where we were forced to sign something saying that we accept Jesus as our savior. Ever since then, I have had a very negative opinion of organized religion and will not go again. I’m sure that my experience has happened to a lot of other people too. To put it in more general terms – if a church singles out newcomers and attempts to force them to join them too quickly or in inappropriate ways, it will cause people to not only avoid that church, but likely all religion in general.
I visited a church where the pastor sent me a welcome letter and another one and another one and another one. He also sent me a Subway gift card. This was after just one visit. I found out he did that for every person who visited.It was like if he had nothing else to do.
How dare that pastor send you letters and gifts. How unloving of him!
you just don’t get it do u Karl?…You are quite the arrogance…don’t you see it’s not the gifts, it’s the motive behind the gift that is disconcerting…where is the love when my car breaks down or when my washing machine blows a gasket…or when illness hits? I’ve had elitist Pastors pass by me when I’m in need, dire need…but you know what? i demanded anomymity when i threw a hundred in the plate with good heart motive and no desire to be recognized…tell that to the Pastor who came to my house to pan out the water in my washing machine bc i was not well enough to do it myself, then turns and tells his deacon who was with him after the deacon asks is there anything we can do for this poor women, in which he replies…”no nothing”…gee Mr Pastor, what about some prayer….Karl, are you open to the fact and are you aware of the apostacy that is inside the church? or have you not become an object of prejudice yet? Your probably 3rd gen Pastors boy who hasn’t got a clue? Please hold you comments if you don’t’ want to acknowledge the sad but realistic truth about the modernist church who are out to take you money and could care less about the state of your soul or the many struggles the average person faces…Not one church has hung in there with me thru worse, or sickness…but no problem if it’s in heath and for better….check the vows of marriage then check the covenants of God…Pastors do not serve the flock, it’s the other way a round my friend…
Looking back I realize that my introduction to Christian churches happened in the best way possible. St. Gregory of Nyssa in San Francisco. People were very friendly, they were not afraid to approach and say hello but they also understood how complicated it could all seem to a new comer (specially because their Liturgy is unlike anything else in the BEST way possible), and so they made sure no one felt out of place when it came to logistics while also making sure that being uncomfortable was a perfectly fine feeling to have.
I would say that what made St. Gregory of Nyssa so special was not the general actions they took in order to greet new comers but the fact that everyone in that church truly understood the importance and the meaning of listening. Everyone is different and everyone is welcome. There can’t be one general rule to be applied to such a rich array of humanity.
Listening is the ONE tool that makes hospitality a success. Too many churches fail at that and seem to be much more interested in making guests listen to what they have to say than in listening to the guests and their reason/need for coming in.
Thom, from the #1 reason… Could you be more specific? We often transition out of worship into our next segment of service by having the entire church greet someone before being seated. Does that fit the scenario you mentioned? Or are you referring to having the guests, specifically, stand and greet people?
I think that’s exactly what the author means. Could you imagine if you had to shake hands and look in the eye everyone you cross paths with in a restaurant or a grocery store? Being greeted at the door or interacting with a hostess is “normal”, but it would be strange for everyone in the restaurant to get up and shake hands with each other at some point during the meal.
Why not just socialize at the end of the service? I’m sure the 20 seconds of handshakes and fake smiles is a poor excuse for social interaction and nobody can really get in a good, “hey man, how was your week?” So maybe skip the tradition and just have the speaker start right away or have a little audio clip or dancing clown to break up the musical portion from the speaking portion.
Looking across both the original post and the comments, I think we do a lot of using the same jargon to mean completely different things. I think our most significant dichotomy is our notion of who a visitor is…
The visitors to a church will view the church very differently if they are already Christians or church-folks looking for a new church vs. people who have never set foot inside a church before. The first will be more concerned about matters of individual church culture (dress, music, sermon delivery, etc.) Personally, I am OK with a Christian who knows what (s)he needs in a church to visit once, know it isn’t a good match, and then visit the next.
Those who are coming from another religion or no religion or only have distant childhood memories of going to a really weird church a long, long time ago, are more concerned about what are these people about any cues if the visitor is genuinely welcome or not.
Picture walking into a mosque where you don’t know if people are friendly or how “service” goes or if outsiders are even welcomed to attend. Wouldn’t you:
–look for cues from people around you if you were really welcomed or interrupting some kind of closed circle?
–hope for some signage so you don’t stumble into some intimate prayer room when you wanted to take the kids to their area?
–worry a little if people ignored or were rude to you, but then suddenly on command, and for two minutes, they smiled and acted friendly (are they brainwashed?)
–feel kinda awkward to be pointed out from the front of church for being a visitor (is this good? bad? are they going to start following me now?)
–want to be sure your kids are safe in an environment that even to you is uncertain?
–look for information for other service times; are there smaller gatherings; is there something to help new people understand the procedures of service and safely ask what is going on?
I think as more and more adults from families that did not participate in churches check out church for a first time, we need to understand that besides being God’s “peculiar people” need to be better prepared to help people who have no previous understanding of who we are or what we’re about.
I would add another that turns off first time visitors — overcrowding.
And “overcrowding” doesn’t even mean 100% of the seats filled. To people sitting in a service, overcrowding is anything over 80% of available space. This includes parking and seating space.
A few years ago the pastor of the church I attended brought in some growth consultants and when they cited that finding I was surprised.
As the son of a pastor I know my dad LOVED it when the pews were filled and people were crammed in like sardines (Easter, Christmas, Homecoming Sunday). More people to hear the sermon he had worked hard preparing! What he didn’t realize were people were uncomfortable when crammed in like that for a couple of hours. Yes people might put up with it occasionally for special occasions, but it’s not good for long term growth.
Even over 80% of available seats filled makes people feel uncomfortable in a regular church service. Visitors come, then never come back. They need some breathing space. Yet pastors looking over the congregation think there’s still PLENTY of seats available, so there’s no need to take action yet. So, this is why some churches never grow. The church stays at the same 70% – 80% capacity forever…
When you reach 70% that’s when you need to go to additional services or a building program. Churches that don’t will be self-limiting.
Or plant a church with key leadership from your church giving your church room to grow and reaching others with the church plant.