NEW RELATED POST: Should Your Church Stop Having a Stand and Greet Time?
If you attend a church regularly, you’ve probably noticed the phenomenon. A guest shows up for a worship service, but he or she never returns. It is, unfortunately, a common issue in many churches.
I did a Twitter poll to ask these first-time guests why they chose not to return to a particular church. While some of the responses were anticipated, I admit being a bit surprised with some of them.
Though my poll is not scientific, it is nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top ten responses in order of frequency.
- Having a stand up and greet one another time in the worship service. This response was my greatest surprise for two reasons. First, I was surprised how much guests are really uncomfortable during this time. Second, I was really surprised that it was the most frequent response.
- Unfriendly church members. This response was anticipated. But the surprise was the number of respondents who included non-genuine friendliness in their answers. In other words, the guests perceived some of the church members were faking it.
- Unsafe and unclean children’s area. This response generated the greatest emotional reactions. If your church does not give a high priority to children, don’t expect young families to attend.
- No place to get information. If your church does not have a clear and obvious place to get information, you probably have lowered the chances of a return visit by half. There should also be someone to greet and assist guests at that information center as well.
- Bad church website. Most of the church guests went to the church website before they attended a worship service. Even if they attended the service after visiting a bad website, they attended with a prejudicial perspective. The two indispensable items guests want on a website are address and times of service. It’s just that basic.
- Poor signage. If you have been attending a church for a few weeks, you forget all about the signage. You don’t need it any more. But guests do. And they are frustrated when it’s not there.
- Insider church language. Most of the respondents were not referring to theological language as much as language that only the members know. My favorite example was: “The WMU will meet in the CLC in the room where the GAs usually meet.”
- Boring or bad service. My surprise was not the presence of this item. The surprise was that it was not ranked higher.
- Members telling guests that they were in their seat or pew. Yes, this obviously still takes place in some churches.
- Dirty facilities. Some of the comments: “Didn’t look like it had been cleaned in a week.” “No trash cans anywhere.” Restrooms were worse than a bad truck stop.” “Pews had more stains than a Tide commercial.”
There you have it. The top ten reasons first-time guests said they did not return to a church. I can’t wait to hear from you readers. You always have such good additions and insights.
Posted on November 1, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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539 Comments
The ‘howdy doody’ time is really a time where churches are trying to manufacture friendliness. We try too hard to spell everything out for our churches, including telling them how and when to greet people. If we can find the magic pill that will make us friendly, then that’s what we’ll do. True friendliness does not happen in a few seconds. It happens in genuine, thoughtful conversations. Churches just need to learn to truly value people and care for them. If they really care, they’ll make sure to continue conversations long after service is over. They’ll intentionally make time for people during their busy weeks. They’ll cultivate life-long relationships that matter. None of that happens in a 2 minute (if that long) greeting.
The old saying is you have seven minutes to make a first impression, and that includes from the time the guest (please don’t say visitor!!!) pulls onto the property. By the time a potential meet and greet time arises, the guest has already made a solid or negative first impression and likely decided whether or not they plan to come back.
This is a polar issue. I have seen it tweeted, pushed and promoted non stop for the last week, and what’s disappointing is that we’re both critiquing the church for not being friendly, and critiquing the church for *how* they are too friendly, when the reality is the culture of the church answers this question more than methods ever will.
I love this blog, I really don’t know that I have a proper or good response. But I do wish we’d move on from promoting it six or seven times a day, it’s been a little much for an issue that has no clear cut answer.
I visited a church once where there was a moment when you were supposed to *hug* the people near you.
In my case, the people near me were all male. I had tried to avoid that because…
I’m a survivor of several kinds of abuse — and rape — with PTSD, and had gone to church to try to find some sort of peace.
Only to have that church tell me I had to have full-body physical contact with a strange male.
The pressure to comply was intense…so, scared, I did.
Yeah, that didn’t work out so well.
I ran from the church and had a full-blown flashback outside. Thanks, church I don’t name, for causing me to relive that horror.
It took me over a decade to voluntarily go back into a church.
Sometimes, visitors to your church have reasons you can’t imagine for not wanting to participate in ANY kind of “meet and greet”, whether it’s during the service between different people in the pews, or before/after the service with a minister/pastor/church leaders/etc.
I’ve been going to church for a long, long time and I still hate “meet and greet” thanks to having social anxiety. I try to shake hands and smile at visitors (I really am glad that they’re there) but after that my mind goes blank and my tongue gets tied.
Last weekend I visited a new church with my husband. They had the #1 special (stand up and greet each other) and I cringed at the thought…but they way they handled it set me at ease quickly. I had been welcomed and introduced before church to several people and the pastor himself made a point of greeting me before the meeting started. The first to greet me was one of the students from my husband’s school, then another person whom I’d already been introduced to…and it piled up from there. It was wonderful!!!
I have read most of the comments, positive and negative. Being a staff member of a local Baptist church and serving in many churches over 40 years I would like to ask a question of whomever will respond.
If you were to visit my church as a first time visitor how could we as a church welcome you and make you feel welcome and wanted?
Keeping in mind that you are one of hundreds and in some cases thousands that may visit over a period of time to my church or others, how can we reach out to you and the others as well? Should we have many different types of ways to welcome to diversify our approach or can someone offer 1 way to reach many?
This is no way is intended to be sarcastic or taking a stab at any one comment. I truly desire to hear from anyone who has ideas. I am printing this article out as I type this. Reaching out is the purpose of our welcome time, not to just shake a hand. When members as well as guest walk through the doors of our church from a work week or days in this world……no one knows what they bring in with them in heart and mind and what they may need! From my personal perspective as someone already said…….I would much rather be an encouraging word and err on the side of grace!!!
I am a freelance writer who is currently writing a religion column for an online publication. I am in the process of visiting every church in my community (84 churches) and each church has their own friendliness personality. It’s my observation that people who sit on the perimeter of the sanctuary tend to be shy, introverted, anti-social, newer members, and often those carrying heavy burdens. Interestingly the visitor also sits on the perimeter of the room. It’s not surprising then that visitors are being greeted by people who themselves are uncomfortable those situation.
There is a fine line between respecting a person’s privacy and prying. I am a private person that has been to many churches. I don’t want someone calling me or asking me where I was last week when I didn’t show up for church. Some people want to be accepted into the flock while I prefer to go to church to worship God and learn from the teaching. My relationship with the Lord and how I worship is nobody else’s business than my own. Filling out the visitor card is like asking for unwanted contact in much the same way as getting spam emails!
there is a fine line between wanting to feel loved and cared for and pressuring one to become a member, which i don’t believe in…but then again, there are many things/practices the church is incurring that does not mirror the early church…with this said, i once attended a church while going thru tremendous crisis…if you could not notice the feelings of afflictions on my face, and the direness of it all, you were oblivious…well, come to find, many are which is evidence to me that the supernatural holy spirit is not active and moving or operational…and might i mention, it’s been a very long time since I’ve observed the gifts being utilized…i felt so lonely that day…overheard a group discussing plans to meet for lunch…many times I would stay seated after services had ended just dreading going home to a lonely space, seeing if anyone would notice…even staying in the lobby…and yes, believe it or not, sitting in my vehicle crying uncontrollably long after most had already left, hungry, broke, abandoned, desperate, but to no avail, nobody even noticed….my experiences with church have always been leaving church feeling ALONE!….While this might be an extreme example to most…well, lets just be frank and admit we are living in extreme times….for people will be lovers of themselves! this is also going on from withing the church walls…when will we “come out of her” and be seperate? when will we see the need for a building to house the poor instead of another dead church? in the last church i attended and haven’t gone back since…the Pastor PRESSURED the body into an over 1 million dollar new church bldg when they didn’t even need it!….I expressed my opinion of not agreeing with this vision and was swiftly excused to be an undesirable…I felt such a spirit of elitism and what they were teaching their body it was nauseating at best….Ministers…build a bldg for the homeless, feed them, care for them…for but just a day an hour or a week….but forever…we need spiritual food…we need love in a crazy broken desperate world !! “Come Out of Her”
I’m surprised that political posturing wasn’t on the list. I’ve experienced that many times, and I feel it’s inappropriate. A church should be focused on God, not on worldly matters. Also, it makes me very uncomfortable. I was in a church once, where one of the members commented on someone winning the presidential election, and the whole place started cheering. I won’t say whom it was, but the person who won was someone I was adamantly opposed to. I felt like walking out. Even if I agreed with the comments, I don’t think it’s right, because it’s disrespectful to others who may not think the same way. I felt like they considered people not to be Christian if they disagreed with them.
Oh I have experienced that too. My grandmother’s church down South did that a lot. I go with her out of respect every time I visit her, but I am always so uncomfortable. In so many words, the pastor states you are not a true Christian if you do not agree with the said political points…going so far to quote things said and stories told on the the popular cable news channel (as if it were gospel). I always believed churches were not allowed to be outright political (to the point of endorsing politicians) but I guess that’s not true anymore.
Here’s another one. If you don’t respond with an “Amen,” especially when the minister is making what he considers to be an important statement, then we’re told that we’re either not listening or we’re not comprehending what he’s saying. Actually the opposite is probably true. We most likely DO comprehend what he is saying and at that moment when the minister seeks confirmation that he is on track by listening for those “Amens,” our thoughts are probably focused on how the Holy Spirit is renewing our mind or changing our heart at that exact moment. Silence doesn’t necessarily mean boredom or confusion and a minister shouldn’t grade his sermon by how many “Amens” he receives. If I have to throw out an “Amen” to keep the minister going, that’s a turnoff and a distraction.