NEW RELATED POST: Should Your Church Stop Having a Stand and Greet Time?
If you attend a church regularly, you’ve probably noticed the phenomenon. A guest shows up for a worship service, but he or she never returns. It is, unfortunately, a common issue in many churches.
I did a Twitter poll to ask these first-time guests why they chose not to return to a particular church. While some of the responses were anticipated, I admit being a bit surprised with some of them.
Though my poll is not scientific, it is nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top ten responses in order of frequency.
- Having a stand up and greet one another time in the worship service. This response was my greatest surprise for two reasons. First, I was surprised how much guests are really uncomfortable during this time. Second, I was really surprised that it was the most frequent response.
- Unfriendly church members. This response was anticipated. But the surprise was the number of respondents who included non-genuine friendliness in their answers. In other words, the guests perceived some of the church members were faking it.
- Unsafe and unclean children’s area. This response generated the greatest emotional reactions. If your church does not give a high priority to children, don’t expect young families to attend.
- No place to get information. If your church does not have a clear and obvious place to get information, you probably have lowered the chances of a return visit by half. There should also be someone to greet and assist guests at that information center as well.
- Bad church website. Most of the church guests went to the church website before they attended a worship service. Even if they attended the service after visiting a bad website, they attended with a prejudicial perspective. The two indispensable items guests want on a website are address and times of service. It’s just that basic.
- Poor signage. If you have been attending a church for a few weeks, you forget all about the signage. You don’t need it any more. But guests do. And they are frustrated when it’s not there.
- Insider church language. Most of the respondents were not referring to theological language as much as language that only the members know. My favorite example was: “The WMU will meet in the CLC in the room where the GAs usually meet.”
- Boring or bad service. My surprise was not the presence of this item. The surprise was that it was not ranked higher.
- Members telling guests that they were in their seat or pew. Yes, this obviously still takes place in some churches.
- Dirty facilities. Some of the comments: “Didn’t look like it had been cleaned in a week.” “No trash cans anywhere.” Restrooms were worse than a bad truck stop.” “Pews had more stains than a Tide commercial.”
There you have it. The top ten reasons first-time guests said they did not return to a church. I can’t wait to hear from you readers. You always have such good additions and insights.
Posted on November 1, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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537 Comments
I’m a little puzzled by #1 and #2. If a church doesn’t have a time for welcoming visitors, won’t they come across as unfriendly? I’d rather have my church be seen as too friendly and too welcoming, rather than cold and snobbish.
Ken, there’s a difference between being friendly and putting a spotlight on visitors in a service so everyone knows they’re there.
Maybe so, but I’d rather err on the side of friendliness. In other words, I would rather have visitors think we’re too friendly than too snobbish.
The congregation that I’m attending now doesn’t do the meet and greet during the worship service but they are the most friendly, welcoming group of people I’ve ever encountered at church. There’s a lot of visiting both before and after services, sometimes to the point that whoever is in charge of locking up has to gently move people outside. We keep our kids with us in service as well and there’s a cry room if someone needs to step in there with an unhappy child.
One thing, to me, that’s off-putting for a visitor is age/sex segregation of Sunday school classes. I’ve found myself feeling stuck in my Sunday school class which makes me not want to attend. Where I attend now just has two adult Sunday school classes. They’re big, you can switch back and forth, and it’s a wide variety of people, which to me is good for discussion.
I can tell stories of people who were put off by classes that were not divided up according to age and gender. Church growth experts tell us people like being with others who are their own age, and men and women often feel freer to discuss certain subjects when they’re among people of their own gender. Also, “couples classes” can be a turnoff to people that are single.
I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m just saying there are two sides to this argument.
When I visit my daughter I attend the church where she attends. It is a church with 3 (three) Sunday morning services. They also have a short stand and greet. It appears to me that even the members wouldn’t know whether I am a member or visitor as we don’t always attend the same service time. The method this church uses is with a card in their bulletin which has a check off as to whether this is your first time or other to a visit to this church. Another question asked on the card is whether you want to meet with a church counselor or a pastor plus also asking for other info. The pastor speaking during that service announces and explains about their ” Try Four ” before committing to return or decide to visit elsewhere.
My home church simply has the pastor to welcome visitors and announce that there are visitor cards on the back of the pew in front them and requests they please fill one out. This works very well for us.
Mitch
Sermons on politics, either right or left leaning.
I have visited many, many churches both in the US and abroad. The absolute friendliest, most accepting church church I’ve EVER visited was an Amish-Mennonite church. I was totally taken by surprise. I did not dress like them, did not know their “ways” (church culture), etc. I was greeted warmly, invited to sit with one of the families, they made sure I knew which SS class to attend, they made sure I had a hymnal for singing and was invited to lunch after church. Greeted by many, welcomed by all. Have not seen anything like it before nor since. The presence of the Lord was surely in that place — not because of their dress or church culture — but because they were genuine. I could not join their church but would attend there in heart beat. (I live in a different state.) Churches I have attended in my current location leave much to be desired. Most are, at the least, very “clannish” and one must work at being accepted.
Fascinating! Thanks, Carolyn.
The, ” this is my seat,” still goes on today. Our Pastors parents came to church one Sunday and were told this seat was saved. Our Pastor has preached it from the pulpit several times and it still goes on. When people move past church being a social gathering and to a place for worship and decipleship along with a place for the lost to be saved, the church, cannot function as a country club and reach the lost at the same time. I pray weekly for us all to leave the doors of the church changed! Some are set in their ways and their hearts gave grown cold to everyone but themselves. Foreign missions make them mad, and they say we should do missions locally, but when you do only a few show up to help. Not the ones complaining. Its a heart issue. One that we don’t see in overseas missions. We just keep praying for changed hearts and for God to be Glorified as we love on this church. Love, a Pastors wife 🙂
Well said, Liz.
As an “introvert”, I also find the “stand up and greet” segment thrown into the middle of the opening part of the service to be very uncomfortable. There is plenty of time to meet and greet prior to the service. However, it is very disheartening to have attended a church for many months, every Sunday, and then be greeted by someone as if I were a first time visitor. Was I invisible? I had seen those people at each service.
Oh the other hand (pun intended!), an elderly woman at a church I attended said that the only time during the week that she was touched by another person was during the passing of the peace.
That is so sad. But I meet other folks who attend a church regularly, and yet do not get any kind of support from their church body outside of posted meeting times. How is that church? Also, in response to the meet and greet sessions, I’m an introvert, but I like them. It would be terribly uncomfortable though, if you were a visitor and no one bothered to chat with you during that time. And if shaking hands (or hugging, or whatever other physical greeting a church might use) is personally uncomfortable for someone, then they shouldn’t feel compelled to do so. I won’t say that no church would have a problem with that–how could I, after reading some of these truly shocking stories about church behaviour–but I will say that if a church does have a problem with it, then they are not what I would call a church. Not that I have a strong opinion, or anything… 😉
There may be time before the service for meeting and greeting but in my experience with this it is only toward friends. I have come early to services before and then sat there (as a new visitor) for 10-15 mintues with no one coming up to talk to me.
Last week I sat down in the middle of a pew and it started filling up around me. A group of college aged people filled up my left side and sat right next to me but never said hi or anything (and I am just past college age). They were too busy chatting with their friends about the weekend etc to greet someone who was obviously sitting by themselves.
My reasons for not returning to a church as a visitor are more focused on what is being taught then the cleanliness of the bathroom or availability of visitor parking. Do I believe the same as what the church believes, Do I agree with their mission statement etc. I am not going to go back to a church that has large areas where my beliefs are different.
1, 3, 8, and 10 are huge for me. 1, in my opinion, is really important, especially during cold and flu season. Also, any time of year, a person may have warts on their hands (not to mention other viruses and bacteria). I have no problem shaking hands with people I know, but I don’t like being socially obliged to shake hands with a large number people I have never met before. I like the option to wave and/or nod respectfully. 3 is important, but I have a very low threshold for uncleanliness when it comes to babies and toddlers. In addition to basic cleanliness, antique and vintage toys and furniture are not acceptable in toddlers’ areas. Things were not manufactured to the same standards years ago as they are today. I would never let my son play in an area, or with items appearing to be 30+ years old because of the potential that those area/items might contain lead. I keep my son with me in church for the service, so 8 is big, too. Music, of any kind, helps with 8. 10 — the only thing I have to say about 10 is basically what I said for 3: if it is not safe for children, my child won’t be there. The whole church should be clean and safe for children, and if it is not, then the priorities of that congregation are way too different from my own to be reconciled.
I understand that not every church has it in the budget to undergo renovation, but if a church experiences a low retention of experimental congregants, and there are obvious issues (such as flaking paint, or dirty bathrooms, etc.) the reason for low retention should be obvious, too.
Good points, AE.
You should look up Tim Hawkins’ hand sanitizer bit on youtube.
If leading unbelievers to CHRIST isn’t a churches first priority, then that’s the last place I want to be! Before letting a guest walk out the door someone in that church should know if they are Christians looking for a home church or an unbeliever searching for CHRIST! It could very well be that persons last chance! Watch out people! JESUS IS WATCHING! Bending over backwards? JESUS died for you! If I come off as a little piffed, you bet ya!
Cathy, I agree, A church can either reach people for Christ and disciple them, or “pamper the Pharisees” It can’t do both effectively. Jesus couldn’t do it – why do we think we are better than Him?
Amen, Alan Woods, Amen!
I read all the comments, but this one I have to reply to. Are you going to meet them at the door and ask if they are Christians or not?
We don’t have ushers who meet and greet but as the Bishop’s wife, when I see first time visitors, I introduce myself and ask if I can help tell them where the different classrooms and restrooms are. We are not a small church, nor are we a mega-church. I think our average attendance is about 200. So I know the members. We don’t do the meet and greet during services, but we certainly talk to them as they come in the door and after services. We had a young woman this Sunday say that she came back because she was made to feel a part of the group during her first visit.
I’m a little concerned with a few comments here. The church, being referred to here as a building where people gather to worship God, is not a club like a fraternity where you are either accepted or not. There should not be a “weeding out” process or an acceptable list of rules and requirements for membership. Is is necessary to have a fancy building with reserved parking? No. Perhaps, Thom, you may be able to gather a poll from your responses on this thread to get a clearly picture of why people do not return to certain churches.
I went to a church during Christmas season because one of my professors’ husband wAs the minister. The first thing anyone said was “take these offering envelopes because you will need them.” SERIOUSLY? I stayed anyway because I wanted to hear the man. Turns out he on vacation and their elder did the message. Pure disappointment.
Another “ouch.” Thanks.
The preacher’s wife or anyone for that fact calling a special needs child a ‘retard’. My eldest daughter is autistic and the preacher’s wife told me very loudly (I was seven months pregnant as well), that my family wasn’t welcome because she didn’t want my retard spreading her disease.
That is one of the cruelest comments I’ve ever heard. I am so sorry.
Whoa! I’d have to wonder if those people need a good dose of salvation. I’m sorry you went through that, but I hope you understand not all churches are like that.
I’m very very sorry someone was so cruel to you. I’m a pastor’s wife and would consider it a privilege to serve your child and I know others in our church would as well. I just prayed for you that God would give you a loving church family that would meet the needs of your family.