NEW RELATED POST: Should Your Church Stop Having a Stand and Greet Time?
If you attend a church regularly, you’ve probably noticed the phenomenon. A guest shows up for a worship service, but he or she never returns. It is, unfortunately, a common issue in many churches.
I did a Twitter poll to ask these first-time guests why they chose not to return to a particular church. While some of the responses were anticipated, I admit being a bit surprised with some of them.
Though my poll is not scientific, it is nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top ten responses in order of frequency.
- Having a stand up and greet one another time in the worship service. This response was my greatest surprise for two reasons. First, I was surprised how much guests are really uncomfortable during this time. Second, I was really surprised that it was the most frequent response.
- Unfriendly church members. This response was anticipated. But the surprise was the number of respondents who included non-genuine friendliness in their answers. In other words, the guests perceived some of the church members were faking it.
- Unsafe and unclean children’s area. This response generated the greatest emotional reactions. If your church does not give a high priority to children, don’t expect young families to attend.
- No place to get information. If your church does not have a clear and obvious place to get information, you probably have lowered the chances of a return visit by half. There should also be someone to greet and assist guests at that information center as well.
- Bad church website. Most of the church guests went to the church website before they attended a worship service. Even if they attended the service after visiting a bad website, they attended with a prejudicial perspective. The two indispensable items guests want on a website are address and times of service. It’s just that basic.
- Poor signage. If you have been attending a church for a few weeks, you forget all about the signage. You don’t need it any more. But guests do. And they are frustrated when it’s not there.
- Insider church language. Most of the respondents were not referring to theological language as much as language that only the members know. My favorite example was: “The WMU will meet in the CLC in the room where the GAs usually meet.”
- Boring or bad service. My surprise was not the presence of this item. The surprise was that it was not ranked higher.
- Members telling guests that they were in their seat or pew. Yes, this obviously still takes place in some churches.
- Dirty facilities. Some of the comments: “Didn’t look like it had been cleaned in a week.” “No trash cans anywhere.” Restrooms were worse than a bad truck stop.” “Pews had more stains than a Tide commercial.”
There you have it. The top ten reasons first-time guests said they did not return to a church. I can’t wait to hear from you readers. You always have such good additions and insights.
Posted on November 1, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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539 Comments
Greeting one another in peace (the “pax) is part of the ancient liturgy (dating back to the early church) and historic protestants and catholics both have practiced this for centuries. I know that modern evangelicals like to think that worship services are all about roping in new visitors but changing the historic liturgy in order to be more seeker friendly is wrong.
I am all for changing other things and I agree with the rest of the list (for the most part) but changing the historic liturgy to be seeker friendly is a mistake.
Our church does the Pax and we have doubled in size over the past year. I am of the opinion that people like churches who know who they are and not churches who are willing to change who they are to be liked. Think about the people you know. Who do you like more? The guy who is confident and knows who he is or the guy who is always asking “what do you want me to be like?”?
Thank you for sharing this. Interesting items to consider. My family of four left our church home about a year ago. Each of the four of us came to the conclusion for different reasons, but at the same time, that it was time to move on. (Nothing big or ugly or dramatic, just time to move on.) My husband quietly notified the elders of our decision, not wanting to draw the attention of other members or set into motion the obligatory farewell potluck extravaganza. (I guess introverts don’t need the meet and greet or the giant potluck party.) We had been a part of this church family for 10 years, having moved to a new community to help plant and grow this church. I had been employed for awhile by the church, and the entire family served diligently in a number of ministries. We were surprised, then, when only one elders followed up with us, spending a few minutes on the phone with my husband. Not a single person from the leadership contacted me or our two children (ages 21 and 17). I even tried to make an appointment more than once with our pastor. I wanted to let him know we were going and say goodbye and tell him that our time there had been important to us. However, each time, he responded that he was unavailable to meet without telling me when he would be available. I’m not saying I wanted all the pastors and elders and deacons to come running and beg us to stay–not at all. I guess I just thought, if this is the perceived level of apathy we experienced after being such an active part of this church family, what about folks who were there for a little while, flew under the radar, and then moved on? (I should note that a few fellow church members send me little messages from time to time to say we are missed, and I sincerely appreciate their thoughtfulness.)
As we prepare to look for a new faith community with whom to worship, I understand the list you provided. I would add what I am looking for. I want to find a community made up of individuals who genuinely are there to worship, to minister to each other, to find ways to serve souls outside their church, and who want to share all of that with anyone who will join them. I want to find a community that genuinely extends grace and love not only to each other, but also to people with whom they disagree or who may be different from them (Jesus-style). I want to find a community that genuinely communicates that sometimes we find ourselves in a mess, but we’re in this mess together, leaning on God and helping each other along the way. Genuine is a key word here, and is difficult to quantify. But I think folks who are visiting churches have a pretty good sense of the energy and attitude. A warm welcome, forgoing anything that seperates members from visitors (like church-speak or not sharing logistical information clearly), and a kind “Goodbye, hope to see you again” is a good start. But churches must also cultivate a culture of on-going welcome if they want folks to stay.
LP, as a fairly young, new pastor, I’ve already heard people say, “It’s just time to move on.” Would you please elaborate? What does that mean? Before I went into the ministry, the only reason why I left a church was for doctrinal reasons, so I’m curious why you would leave if there’s no controversy or something sinful going on. Also, what did you expect the pastor and elders do say and do? Can you understand how discouraging it may be to a pastor to see a family, who has been very involved since the church’s inception, suddenly up and leave just because they say “It’s just time to move on.” I’m honestly wondering. Thank you. Grace and peace to you.
Hello Karl.
We had planned to look for a different church when our older child graduated from high school. She was deeply involved with her youth group, and it was a very dynamic experience. But most of the youth group graduated when she did, leaving two or three other kids, besides our younger child in middle school and high school. We were hoping to find a more active peer group for our younger one. However, my parents were also members of this church, and my father experienced a health crisis at that time. We felt like it was not the time to leave, as our church community was so supportive, and we were all pulling together for my dad. Unfortunately, although our younger child enjoyed friendships with the other couple of kids who were in his peer group, the church experience did not engage him at a spiritual or cognitive level (and he definitely needs the cognitive challenge as he is extremely gifted and has so many profound questions about life and meaning).
Meanwhile, our older child posted something on Facebook, that while not aggressive, could be considered politically controversial to some conservative Christians. A member of the church (who joined the church about the time our child left for college and did not know her well), messaged her and challenged her in a way that she perceived as attacking. This church member engaged her in a days-long debate about how her political opinion was clearly unchristian and how a Christian really could not have that opinion, even though she kept responding with “I’m really just trying to act like I think Jesus would.”
For the most part, I think my husband was tapped out, as he has such a servant’s heart and almost never said no. For both my husband and I, I would not call it midlife crisis, but I would call it midlife re-evaluation. Why do I believe what I believe? Is it because that’s what I’ve always been taught? (We both grew up in the church.) Or is it because I’ve worked out my own salvation with fear and trembling? Time to take inventory. All four of us perceived an attitude at the church of “the Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it.” Okay, that’s good to a certain extent, but the Bible also gives instruction against wearing fabrics of mixed fibers or covering your head or not covering your head or not allowing women to speak at church. I think we all wanted the conversation that should follow. Let’s delve into understanding the author of the scripture and his target audience and his time. And let’s talk about how we discern which scriptures are “cultural” (not trimming your beard) and which must continue to reverberate through history and around the world (love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself). And can we get someone with a deep knowledge of science and a strong faith to discuss topics like creation without judging if I’m honest to say I’m struggling with what the Bible says here or there. And during this conversation, let’s all please be kind and respectful to each other, knowing that we all love someone (or we certainly should) who somebody at this church feels is not living up to God’s standard.
I’m sorry if I rambled. Sometimes it’s challenging to distill something that feels somewhat complex. Hope this helps.
Blessings,
LP
To answer your question about what I expected…
When I contacted the pastor more than once asking if I could come by his office to talk to him, I guess I expected that he would either say yes or would tell me when he was available. I also work in a service-related field. If someone in my community asks to see me, I make time to meet with them.
Regarding other pastors, the elders, or the deacons, I don’t think I expected anything in particular, as we have not been in the habit of leaving churches unless we were moving. I was just surprised nobody was in touch to say goodbye or ask why we were leaving. And truly, just practically speaking, I think there was a missed opportunity to debrief faithful church family members who may have some insight about the perceived needs and changing dynamics of a family growing up in this emerging generation. I have prayed about contacting the elders, to tell them about our experience, both the decision process that led us to leave and our experience with the church (or lack thereof) upon leaving. I do not believe in laying out complaints unless you have suggestions for solutions, though. It is our perception is that they likely do not want to hear, so I will leave it alone for now.
Know that we were blessed there, and I believe we were a blessing, as well. We served God and people He loves alongside faithful souls. We love our brothers and sisters in this church family. We are not bitter, just a bit confused.
Blessings,
LP
Thanks for elaborating. I can’t judge your pastor because I’m unaware of his amount of free time. He may have to constantly decide who to say ‘no’ to and it makes sense that he wouldn’t want to spend time meeting with folks going out the door for whatever reasons. I can see how it would be discouraging to not get answers to tough questions, but I gotta be honest: I’m continually shocked and dismayed to see “faithful” church people leave their church family just because there isn’t a youth ministry that suits their expectations. That’s an extremely immature reason to leave a church. Forgive my forthrightness, but as a pastor, I could probably care less about hearing feedback from a family who left my church for the reasons you have left. It’s wise of you to just remain silent and move on. I pray that God will lead to to a church where the Word is proclaimed and you can serve and not be served as that’s the example Jesus left for us. Grace to you.
I would also add the extremely loud music with the lyrics that repeat the same words over and over and over again ad nauseam. If we had wanted to go to a loud rock club we would have done so. Church music is not and should not be a performance that honors the performers. Its purpose is to lead the congregation worshipfully into the presence of God.
My wife and I visited a church one Sunday and had to leave after 15 minutes because the music was so loud it hurt my ears. Even today, in my own church, I cannot be in the sanctuary during the music because it is so loud.
I tend to agree with you, but many do not. We’ve had quite a few debates on that subject on Dr. Rainer’s website!
For one who has moved many times for my career, I would agree with most of these.
However the one that still gets me is the fact that some churches never contact a visitor. Twice in the last 4 years I have fill out a card, requested more information, and received nothing in response. Both churches were high on our list of potential churches, but because we didn’t get any kind of contact, we felt we could never invite friends to these churches. We could have forced our way “in”, but weren’t sure others would do that.
I would echo that websites are key…no longer is an opinion formed within minutes of arriving, but with the Information Age, opinions are formed before arriving. This can also be said about presenting the church correctly, not what it wants to be.
Thanks for this great post!
I understand the points given. Yes, we should do our best to accommodate everyone to a degree. Question is, Has this been the mindset throughout all the church age? Or is it only something we do here in America? Based on this article, those saints of God who worshipped underground for centuries, and even today, must have done something wrong. Are we so caught up in ourselves that our needs must be met first before we worship God in church? Are we that self centered in our view to place demands on the church before we walk inside of it? The perspective of many people today are so warped. Sad indeed.
Yes, a newbie will likely feel quite left-out with an extended greet-your-neighbor time. It’s mainly used by those who’ve known each other for years to catch up on family and community events. An extension of this uncomfortable experience is the preacher or other staff telling the congregation what to say: “Stand up and tell the person behind you, ‘Jesus loves you and so do I!'”
For those who cherish a time of fellowship, but want to prevent awkwardness in guests, a solution would be to have coffee, juice and donuts in the foyer or fellowship room before the service to allow for such.
We have a “coffee hour” after our service for the main meet and greet time. Works well for us and a little less stressful for new people because it gives them an out if they don’t want to stay.
Regular attendees that don’t smile or greet new faces…. and say something like, “I haven’t seen you here before, are you visiting?” If they say yes, “Can I answer any questions for you?” etc. Also, when you have no idea who is speaking, are they the preacher, worship leader, elder, deacon…. who are you!
God chose the church as the means to spread the good news of his son Jesus. If we his church don’t show the love of his father as Jesus did at work in a store and to every one we come in contact with . It will not matter how we greet them in a building . For if our salt looses it savor and our light is dimmed there is nothing to draw them in. Be the light church including me to and they will come to the church desiring to have what you have Jesus.
It drives me nuts watching people on the ends of the rows (usually long-term members or attenders) force people to step over/by them.
I know there are a lot of legitimate reasons for first time guests being turned off, but I also know that there are many that look for an excuse not to like a church. People will attend a sporting event, go to the theater, stand in line for hours for concerts, etc. and not judge the event as harshly as they judge church.
Very astute observation, Judy. I agree 100%. Churches and pastors are the recipients of the harshest criticism.
I believe someone named Judy commented that people
will attend movies, concerts, etc…and not judge the event
as strictly as they will a church they are attending for the first time.
You agreed wholeheartedly with her.
First of all, concerts and movies
and sporting events are just that—EVENTS. Joining a church
is not supposed to be an event. No one
expects to attend a professional football game and make
long term friendships and become a member of a community
just because they went
to see a football game (or a movie, or a concert, etc….) But when one attends
a church for the first time, it is usually with hopes of
becoming a part of a “family”…..some of them have been rejected
by their own biological families, and even by society in general.
They (rightly) expect a christian church
to be more welcoming and genuinely friendly than the
average concert-goer would be. I think there should be less emphasis
on phony “greetings” by people that really don’t care (again,
there’s always exceptions to the rule).
Why not emphasize true friendship, care and concern for people that are new
to the church. I’ve heard of some that have sat in a church for years without
making one true friend. I think introverts are more common in churches
than extroverts. Yet often they become the best, most loyal friends
if given a chance. The emphasis should always be on the word of God,
and on worshiping Jesus.
But church is also for fellowship. We are supposed to be encouraging one
another and not worrying about numbers just for the sake of having more
members than the church down the street. I’ve seen so much competition,
jealousy and insecurity in the church. I think Jesus is hurt that so many are
being ignored, stifled and even sabataged in their churches. Again if I go to
a football game I probably won’t care if someone doesn’t make an attempt
to tell me hi (on his own with no prodding); but if I go to a new church,
I might. We are supposed to let our light shine, not so others can admire us
but so that we can magnify our Heavenly Father and glorify Him.
We are supposed to be IN the world, not OF it. Our standards should be
higher in how we treat the newcomers, not equal to.
I agree, too, Judy. Do you remember a gospel song some years ago called “Excuses”? It was a satirical song that talked about the excuses people make for not going to church. Sometimes the excuses were ridiculous and contradictory. I’m reminded of that song every time I read one of these articles about why people don’t go to church.
Although to be fair, at a sporting event, concert, movie, etc. you’re not considering giving the football team, band, or movie producers a mind-blowing amount of authority in your life. You’re not contemplating opening up your most personal feelings and thoughts to them.
You’re just consuming a sporting event, concert, or movie.
Churches *should* be scrutinized more closely than sporting events, concerts, and movies. They’re more important.
I am intrigued by #1. Can anyone elaborate on either the scriptural or traditional support for this part of the service?
Lol i meant to say not genuinely concerned when you are not ok..my biggest thing is when you do become a member,its not as friendly as being a guest.