NEW RELATED POST: Should Your Church Stop Having a Stand and Greet Time?
If you attend a church regularly, you’ve probably noticed the phenomenon. A guest shows up for a worship service, but he or she never returns. It is, unfortunately, a common issue in many churches.
I did a Twitter poll to ask these first-time guests why they chose not to return to a particular church. While some of the responses were anticipated, I admit being a bit surprised with some of them.
Though my poll is not scientific, it is nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top ten responses in order of frequency.
- Having a stand up and greet one another time in the worship service. This response was my greatest surprise for two reasons. First, I was surprised how much guests are really uncomfortable during this time. Second, I was really surprised that it was the most frequent response.
- Unfriendly church members. This response was anticipated. But the surprise was the number of respondents who included non-genuine friendliness in their answers. In other words, the guests perceived some of the church members were faking it.
- Unsafe and unclean children’s area. This response generated the greatest emotional reactions. If your church does not give a high priority to children, don’t expect young families to attend.
- No place to get information. If your church does not have a clear and obvious place to get information, you probably have lowered the chances of a return visit by half. There should also be someone to greet and assist guests at that information center as well.
- Bad church website. Most of the church guests went to the church website before they attended a worship service. Even if they attended the service after visiting a bad website, they attended with a prejudicial perspective. The two indispensable items guests want on a website are address and times of service. It’s just that basic.
- Poor signage. If you have been attending a church for a few weeks, you forget all about the signage. You don’t need it any more. But guests do. And they are frustrated when it’s not there.
- Insider church language. Most of the respondents were not referring to theological language as much as language that only the members know. My favorite example was: “The WMU will meet in the CLC in the room where the GAs usually meet.”
- Boring or bad service. My surprise was not the presence of this item. The surprise was that it was not ranked higher.
- Members telling guests that they were in their seat or pew. Yes, this obviously still takes place in some churches.
- Dirty facilities. Some of the comments: “Didn’t look like it had been cleaned in a week.” “No trash cans anywhere.” Restrooms were worse than a bad truck stop.” “Pews had more stains than a Tide commercial.”
There you have it. The top ten reasons first-time guests said they did not return to a church. I can’t wait to hear from you readers. You always have such good additions and insights.
Posted on November 1, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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539 Comments
My biggest problem with the church is the lack of compassion once you do join a church,members barely saying hello,many geniunely concerned when you are not ok.
Over enthusiastic members drew me away from one church. I am not one to feel comfortable in the spotlight and literally everyone in the congregation smelled new blood and cornered me before I could make an exit. It was a small church with 90% retirees in the congregation. A dying church I’m sure they were all excited at the prospect of a new member but it was a bit too much for me. I also find #1 redundant. What is the point of stopping a service to greet people you’ve likely spoken to already before the service began?
Great articles and great discussion in the replies – although sometimes we Christians are so predictable and too often we limit our experience and opinions to our own experience and personality types. Of course “greetings” that go on longer than 45 seconds are too long for most visitors – lost or “found.”
I love how we too often determine”the main reason the church exists…” as if we can ever pin that down to one!!!
And the debate over US church and her marketing versus third world countries…. c’mon, eat your peas or I’ll send them to Africa where kids would love to have them!
This was a good article (non-scientific) but great for consideration and the discussion was everywhere from vibrant to mundane…. Now let’s get off our computers and love our neighbor!!! Or go into all the world and… Or reach out to “the least of these…” Or go cut some firewood!!!!!
Thanks to the author Thom Rainer for staying with this as long as you did…. write to me and help me plant a church!!!!
On the tension between catering to consumerism and “seeking the lost”
Firstly, it is perfectly true that if we want to “seek the lost” we need to be concerned about a non-Christian 1st-time visitor is likely to feel, and we shouldn’t complain if such visitors are stuck in a consumerist mindset.
However…
Secondly, it is also perfectly true that lots of Christians are stuck in the consumeristic mindset, and catering to that mindset in Christians only exacerbates the problem (which is itself a sin problem in the church).
Note that this is a real tension that cannot be resolved by talking about who the church is “intending” to reach. You can say all you want that you “intend” to reach the lost, but the fact of the matter is that these comments sound like they came from self-identifying Christians (they understood theological language but not the local titles; they came after searching for a website and not because a friend invited them). The fact that these complaints *sound* like they are coming from the already-churched who are just comparing their options to decide on a church home is not surprising–the vast majority of church visitors are in this category. (How many people in your church only became Christians some time after their first visit to your church?)
All people (Christian or not) should be treated with hospitality, but when self-proclaimed Christians come into your home rating you and assuming that it’s your job to show them how wonderful you are so as to merit a return visit, we have a problem with hospitality at the guest’s end, and this should be of concern to the church.
I was shocked to see the greeting time as a deterrent. We have found that many who eventually place membership at our church highlighted that period as a plus. We have always had mixed feelings about our “meet and greet” time, so the result from your survey will give us more to think about. Was there any other feedback associated with that reason?
I’ve moved several times, and I hate the forced meet-and-greet. But let me say I hate this as a member; I do my “visiting” before and after church. As a prospective member, I really don’t want to be “greeted” excessively. Many church members try to “sell” their church as if it were waterless cookware.
I will share a story from my home town. The husband of a very active choir member and dear friend — a prominent member of the community — came to church for the first time in more than 10 or 20 years. During the “forced meet and greet” half the church ran up to him to welcome him. Of course, everyone who really knew this man was horrified and realized that he would never come back. He did come back once more, but it was in his coffin.
Now even as I write this I am aware that other people are desperate for a kind word. They feel that if people don’t come up and greet them that the people are unfriendly or “stuck-up.” I would just suggest trying to be casual and brief in welcoming people and not to be overly aggressive in inviting people back. In other words, just give people space.
Finally, websites are great. I just want to see what the service is like and get a feel of what direction the church is taking. Style of worship is important to most people, so go ahead and let them see the Sunday bulletin with its order of worship as well as the activities of the week.
Oh, and for what it’s worth I don’t think visitors should get a “special” parking space. When I visit a church I really just want to be treated like a member for a day. Please be friendly, but don’t make a fuss!
Right. Don’t ignore people. Don’t overwhelm people. The balance is extremely subjective. Again, the ridiculous expectations of consumerist church shoppers to conform to their expectations instead.
I’ve gotten up and walked out of churches that do the “let’s meet the visitors” thing. I also went to a church once where the pastor said “let’s go around the room and have everyone answer a question so we can get to know each other!” If I’m visiting, I’m checking YOU out, not the other way around.
In other words…you are a consumer. Congratulations.
I’m a new pastor of a small church in a small NWern town. While I agree with the list and do my best to ensure we’re perceived as tidy, clean, and organized, I also agree with Dan Kreider: we’re not a business who aims to get as many people through our doors as humanly possible. We are a group of “called out ones” who assemble for fellowship and corporate worship. My focus on Sundays is to tend to my sheep; not tend to immature church shoppers and hoppers. Now, to be clear, I always go out of my way to warmly welcome new visitors and hope that God will grow our church numerically, but I can’t allow the retention of visitors to be the priority. Within minutes, I can tell if a visitor is a church shopper or a honest, well-intended seeker. The elders and I are called to shepherd the sheep in our midst (1 Pet 5:1-3), not provide tangible wants and aesthetic appeal for unbelievers and fickle consumers seeking non-essential, unnecessary preferences. Do your best to be presentable and courteous, but that can’t be the priority. That’s not how Christ builds His church. Plus, people should be reasonable to know that churches, especially small single-staffed churches, survive based on volunteer service. If the old lady who faithfully cleans and stocks the church gets sick or is out of town, some things may not get done. If a church hopper judges our church and doesn’t come back because of a full garage can or messy carpet, then that’s OK. Our parking lot isn’t huge. Therefore, the last thing I want are spots reserved for visitors when my elderly servants need them. I am vehemently against visitor parking because I would rather the elderly saints who have faithfully served Christ’s church for decades have reserved parking than the 20-something year old guy that could just as easy park on the street or at the end of the lot because he’s late. Church leaders who neglect the care of their faithful servants at the expense of attracting new people should be ashamed of themselves.
I’m surprised that the style of preaching didn’t make the list. Many genuine Christians I’ve spoken to in my area want a church that preaches expositionally (verse-by-verse), yet still expects a well-oiled youth ministry…among many other non-essential wants. Sadly.
I would never consider youth ministry non-essential. Teens are about to go into the world without the constant support structure of their parents guidance and most will drop off church attendance in college unless they have a personal connection to their faith that lives for them outside the structure of their families, something that they want for themselves.
You will not find one single solitary verse in Bible where it mandates a local church to have a youth ministry. Therefore, in that sense, it is indeed very non-essential. Considering 2,000+ years of church history, the youth ministry is a new “essential” to modern day Evangelicalism. Furthermore, a strong argument could be made that the modern day youth movement has done more harm than good in America. You prove that point unintentionally by observing that many youth leave the church when they leave the home.
Karl, I sense your responses come from the unique dynamics of your church and I pray God continually fuels you with his love and wisdom as your nurture the elder members of his kingdom–lovers of Christ who are a testament to Proverbs 22:6. In your words I read a passion for those who bear the beautiful wrinkles of a long life served for Christ. As you serve and honor them, please remember that once a long time ago, they too entered the doors of a church a very first time.
Tom, this is a great list, and I will share it with others. Having served as a pastor for 27 years in small and large congregations, I have witnessed and sought to challenge many of these. I still struggle with how to equip/nurture/train folks to strike up conversations with people they don’t know. Some, of course, have a knack or gift for hospitality. But the issue is greater than identifying and guiding them. It’s about how to develop a spirit of hospitality throughout a congregation’s many ministries. I look forward to any feedback.
What I’m wondering is, if the people who responded are believers visiting the church, what was their focus? If I have learned correctly, the church is the body of believers. So, if I want to fellowship with other believers and not forsake the assembly, then some of the conditions listed should not be the focus or rain for going to “church”. Yes, we do want to be responsible and be in a place where we aren’t doing harm to others, but some things are preferences. How do believers in third world countries explain to visitors that they have no electricity or nice floors? They gather together because they love God and are there to worship Him. In the end, God will do the judging of our lives. His word convicts. If we use His word to share the truth and if it’s something the church needs to grow in spiritually then God’s word will teach them to do what’s right. “Jesus said to them, ‘I am the way, the truth and the life , no one comes to the Father except through me’.” John 14:6. We don’t have the power to change their hearts, but we are commanded to love one another. So if we’re looking for perfection, we won’t find it in a building or people. It is only Jesus, the perfect sacrifice, who we can look to, because we couldn’t be that perfect sacrifice to save us from our sins. Romans 3:23
I would add: crazy theology (like really, really crazy…scared our boys), unworshipful worship, worship leaders who worship themselves, acting like “The Price is Right” and giving away a big box of money in the service (I am NOT joking…horrendous experience), trying to break bread and force-feed our family communion (you can’t make this stuff up, people), asking you to take the offering during your first visit (yes – I assure you I am NOT lying), an auditorium that is so dark you have a difficult time worshipping the “Light of the World,” catty/mean/unskilled ministry leaders, greeters who do not greet, misleading about “what to wear” on your website (saying it’s casual when everyone actually wears suits & dresses), churches that idolize/cult worship their pastor, not being able to get to the information desk because everyone is standing around talking to their friends, spending an entire morning at a church and no one looking at you or speaking to you, high pressure to join, and countless others…
after 20 years outside a community of faith I went “church shopping” last year. I went with great skepticism. This list mirrors much of my experience. The “Bad Website” would rank 2nd on my list. And I agree with #1 on this list. Not sure the origins of this tradition, but I still dislike it even now that I am a confirmed member of an Episcopal parish. First time visitors, particularly those who have been outside a community of faith, are looking for reasons to reject, rather than accept on those first visits. My best experience was a congregation where they had one member of the clergy who was looking for new faces and made a “soft” approach.