Numbers of gifted persons and organizations have studied the phenomenon of the church “back door,” the metaphorical way we describe people leaving the church. And there will always be the anticipated themes of relocation or personal crises. We should recognize those issues, though we can respond to the latter more than the former.
But all the research studies of which I am aware, including my own, return to one major theme to explain the exodus of church members: a sense of some need not being filled. In other words, these members have ideas of what a local congregation should provide for them, and they leave because those provisions have not been met.
Certainly, we recognize there are many legitimate claims by church members of unfulfilled expectations. It can undoubtedly be the fault of the local congregation and its leaders.
But many times, probably more than we would like to believe, a church member leaves a local body because he or she has a sense of entitlement. I would therefore suggest that the main reason people leave a church is because they have an entitlement mentality rather than a servant mentality.
Look at some of the direct quotes from exit interviews of people who left local congregations:
- “The worship leader refused to listen to me about the songs and music I wanted.”
- “The pastor did not feed me.”
- “No one from my church visited me.”
- “I was not about to support the building program they wanted.”
- “I was out two weeks and no one called me.”
- “They moved the times of the worship services and it messed up my schedule.”
- “I told my pastor to go visit my cousin and he never did.”
Please hear me clearly. Church members should expect some level of ministry and concern. But, for a myriad of reasons beyond the scope of this one article, we have turned church membership into country club membership. You pay your dues and you are entitled to certain benefits.
The biblical basis of church membership is clear in Scripture. The Apostle Paul even uses the “member” metaphor to describe what every believer should be like in a local congregation. In 1 Corinthians 12:12-31, Paul describes church members not by what they should receive in a local church, but by the ministry they should give.
The solution to closing the back door, at least a major part of the solution, is therefore to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality. Of course, it is easy for me to write about it, but it is a greater challenge to effect it.
May I then offer a few steps of a more practical nature to help close the back door by changing the membership mentality? Here are five:
- Inform church members. Though I do not have precise numbers, I would conjecture that more than one-half of church members do not have a biblical understanding of church membership. Providing that information in a new members’ class can move an entire congregation toward a servant mentality.
- Raise the bar of expectations. We have dumbed down church membership in many congregations to where it has little meaning. Clarify expectations of members. Again, doing so in the context of a new members’ class is a great way to begin.
- Mentor members. Take two or three members and begin to mentor them to become biblical church members. After a season, ask them to mentor two or three as well. Let the process grow exponentially.
- Train members. Almost 100 percent of pastors agree that their role is to train and equip members. But almost three-fourths of these pastors have no plans on how they will train them (see Ephesians 4:11-13). I will address this issue more fully on my blog next Wednesday.
- Encourage people to be in small groups. Those in Sunday school classes and small groups are more likely to be informed and functioning church members. In other words, there is a much greater likelihood of a member with a servant mentality being in a small group than not.
What are you doing in your church to close the back door? What are you doing to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality?
Posted on January 21, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
More from Thom
588 Comments
I use to really hate going to church as an adult, always falling asleep or mom pushing it on me. But then I found a church and I actually learned something and understood what was being said. I love writing about what I learned. What’s even better, I have friends that don’t want to go or can’t go. My friends can read what I learned and learn from me. Every time I go to church, I will be posting what I learned. I guess if I go and I don’t post, I didn’t learn anything lol this will keep my pastor on his toes.. I am by far the hardest person to learn anything. If you go to church and feel that you have learned something… anything positive please share with us. Enquiring minds want to know 🙂
Maybe you might not attend church, you might just read from the bible or learn a positive life lesson you might want to share. All religions welcomed, there is only one God. I just want a positive room. Please feel free to join and share, or simple read the post. Thanks for your support xoxox
-Sheila L Roberts
Are you sure this is the real reason? I think people are becoming more skeptical.
What about people who are asked to leave a churches? Yes, four times. My family has given up trying to go. I would be interested in a blog about special needs ministries and what pastors think of them. I attended church regularly and served in different ministries until my child got too old for children’s church and too disruptive for the service. I was asked to leave Sunday school in a church that has a special needs program. I am not a pew- warmer . Worship, service and fellowship are vital to being a part of a church body. I now live in near isolation. There are over 44,000 families like mine in my state alone. I am praying for God to meet this great need. I am also asking Him if a church plant for families like mine who understand each other is a possible solution. My life will never look like yours. It is unimaginable to typical people and they limit our involvement in church activities as well as fellowship for us. I appreciate your thoughts about this.
While the facts above as to why people leave a church are valid and some people are just immature and selfish from what I have seen is that elders, pastors and leadership are in crises and many have become puffed up with pride, materialism and a love of money and do not function according to the calling we find in the book of Timothy. The concept of a special ‘team’ has come to the fore and the rest of people are just there to foot the bills of the team. A lot of elders are so far removed from the congregation in so many aspects they do not have a clue of the pains and needs of the people of God. Ezekiel 34, Jeremiah 23 and in the book of Micah clearly spell out what is happening in many church today. I have seen favoritism and partiality that is sickening to say the least where the rich and wealthy business people get seats of honour and special recognition but not because of spiritual maturity but because of the money they can give. Another aspect is bad and incorrect teaching and bible doctrine that is spewed forth week after week to promote the pastors plans and ideals which in many instances are very far from the plans and will of the Lord and His word. To remain is such a congregation will be a slow death for you and your family. When there is good and godly mature leadership who love God and His people from a genuine heart and show that in acts of love, provision and care under leadership of the Great Shepherd Jesus Christ, people will have little to complain about. Treat all people with respect, mature them in the word and let everyone play his or her part in the body of Christ.
Rainer,
Regarding why some people are not being used in the church, I would like to point out that often times it can be due to issues of personality rather than issues of qualifications. For example…….I know of a case of a gentleman that always aspired to serve in positions like church service usher or greeter positions, however this same gentleman had the personality and demeanor similar to that of a crocodile.
Another man in our church aspired to be a Sunday School teacher and was also highly educated with several Bible College degrees. The problem with this man was that he overwhelmed his victims one-on-one with his enthusiasm and information overload. Whenever he would get a willing listener cornered he would expound on the details of complicated scripture for as long as you would listen; and sometimes that could be 30 to 45 minutes. After 15 minutes with this guy you felt physically exhausted and spiritually assaulted. Before long, church members would head the other way whenever they saw him coming. This was a man that almost immediately after joining the church, (and because of his credentials), expected to be placed in high profile positions of leadership such as teaching and preaching. But again, as a result of the man’s personality, church leadership was reluctant to place him in these areas of service. He had the head knowledge, but lacked the interpersonal skills, and as a result he repulsed rather than attracted people.
Because of these examples, it’s important to note that one must allow time for a congregation to get to know you before you can expect to be allowed to serve in some positions within the local congregation.
This is not meant to be critical of anyone, but I feel I must say something for those sincere believers that left their church for reasons other than “they felt they were entitled to something…” First of all, you cannot make a blanket statement like that, there are circumstances in every situation that have to be taken into account. I am speaking as one who has left her church of 20 plus years, not really wanting to, but sensing the Lords leading. I was given a scripture by the Holy Spirit, then that same scripture was given to me the next day by someone who called and said the Lord had a word for me. She is not the type to give a word to everyone on a regular basis.
I witnessed in that church at least 30 times public humilation and false accusation spoken from the pulpit. The people involved had never been in a private meeting with the leadership to discuss any problems; the Word of God says we are to meet privately first. They were reprimanded publicly without any warning. This became a regular practice, to the point that members cringed during sermons wondering if they might be next. We were “accused” of being too joyful during worship while they knew about men that were abusing wives verbally and possibly physically and yet we never heard a sermon on that. Please if you are a pastor, I pray that you will hear this coming from someone that had to leave reluctantly. I believe there are many people that leave for selfish reasons, but possibly many more that leave because they can’t sit under that type of leadership and continue to grow spiritually. There is too much insecurity and even jealousy in the church. How can the congregation mature and be fruitful if the leadership is allowing strange things to go on week after week?
Proven members with wisdom and leadership abilities are being pushed aside for young people that are not ready for certain assignments. They are not taught to respect the older people. They are told that they are the “future” and they are, but it has given them a sense of entitlement that only belongs to those that have had not only years of spiritual growth but growth in life in general. I say let the young people watch the older ones first before they are handed a position just because a spot needs to be filled. I guess leadership thinks the young people have to be led by their peers in ministry. But when I was in school all of my teachers were older, some much older than me. It just taught me to respect them. I am attending a prayer meeting and church service on Friday nights now until the pastor finds a permanent building for Sundays. Pray for me because I am getting over the bad church experience and I need to be restored. I still love God with all my heart…that will never change.
We will pray for you for sure. I do appreciate so much your response. You bring out some very valid points. Scripture does bring out the proper order for things and dealing with things in the church. Too many times, human beings get in the way and start, maybe even unknowingly, usurping authority over what God says. Also, it does say in scripture of pastors that they are not to be novices. Leadership in the Bible seems always to point to older, mature, God seeking Christians. Thanks again.
Thank you for speaking up. What a poor judgement is being made here,so insensitive and unChristlike. me and my family faithfully served in a local church for almost half a decade, until we found out the leadership had bad issue that had never been dealt with. A lot of people at our church left because of the abuse,moral issues and pride and strife that was initiated from the leadership. It was very painful watching people being pushed out of church and threatened just because they try to call the leader out for some issues that could have been dealt with if the the leader was honest. So sad to know people in some churches raise their eyebrows and give a cold shoulder after knowing that you just left a church. I say this article about reasons why people leave churches is a very poor judgement and thank you for speaking up.
the thing about church is peopel are being tought from the bible which is the old gospal which was closed what the leaders and pasters have to do is teach the church members to use the bible in the same way they use a manual or cookery book as a referance to help guid them on the right road . so that the new gospal can be written . to many people think that mirricals are going to happen like they did for mosse and Jesus but what they are forgetting they truly did Gods will and didnt excpect any thing in return but to day so many people not just ones who go to church dont want to do any thing unless they get some thing back and becaus of this they are gaing a cold heart and moving further away from our lord even if they think they have been saved or told they have been saved , and to many are being tought that once they are baptized they will gain eternal life but they shouldnt be because to gain life with god you have to go and do his will with no expectations of getting any thing back from man but god him self and they only true way is to have solitued and learn truely about god and all hiden spirits then realize why and what church is all about and not wait for someone to tell them how to act but to act how god tells them but to have a church is giving you strength to do gods will because when you are low in numbers that is when satan stricks and that is what peopel are forgetting . yes i dont go to church but i read study and pray every day ive only ever walked into a church and what i see is they are being tought in the wrong out look also the church has become greedy with the tith as 10% of your earnings isnt and shouldnt be money it could be cloths or beding or food as god doesnt like money but your tithings should and always was ment to help the poor and sick not spend it meaningless stuff God will help the correct church to still stand up straight if people werent greedy and helped each other God Bless
I know a lot of people have left churches because of money; heads of auxilliaries asking for money for pastor appreciation through the year, paying dues to be in the choir or the women’s board. One member didn’t have money to do all the extra things, or buy meals or pay $20 a month for a year for his “dues” for the pastor appreciation service. I personally don’t like being “forced” to join an auxillary where I will have to pay dues.
Thom, Just happened upon your site. You gave a lot of reasons for people leaving and not coming to church. I think that you forgot the most important one, a lot of preachers are republican party politicans. If laws could change a persons heart Jesus died needlessly. My bible tells me in 2 Cor. 5:17 that Christ and only he will bring us a new life. All of this social issue stuff is only stuff and it turns people off especially our young people. Our young people have friends of difference races, different nationalities, people that are poor, sick, hungry, needy. They do not want to hear a preacher speaking bad about these people. They also like to be told the truth of science which a lot of pulpits seem to be negative about.. So many churches you enter never talk about the red letters of the bible. The Apostle Paul said to preach Christ, and Christ crucified. These things I talked about are why lots of people don’t want church., change has to occur to bring them back .
Hi, Do you think that people are just bored with church services????
Maybe its it is time for a change from with in church government. People do not want lectures they want GOD.
They want prophets in the pulpits and not mascots.
Church leaders are not to sit in judgement of those that do not stay in structured churches they are to be the greatest servants of all.Remember church is the gathering of the Gods people born of the Spirit. Church is not the charade of 3 songs and a lectures from a pastor who assumes it is his job to do so.
Easy to put the blame on those who leave. Pharisees know no wrong,they have kept or the “rules”. Please rethink and pray through some more your conclusions.
God Bless.
Groan…Always easy to denigrate the poor souls who “the stone throwers” think are not as enlightened as them.
I am on the verge of giving up on church and actually my faith and need help so badly. Thing is I love God, love worship and love being in His presence but for a very long time now I have has some really bad experiences with church especially my spiritual head that make me wonder whether God still loves and cares for me and whether He still considers me as His child because I look to my pastor as God’s rep and/or mouthpiece and I literally take it as what he does is endorsed by God. Lately, my pastor has been almost very cold towards me. It started about a year and a half or more ago and has just escalated. My family members have noticed it too. When this treatment started I went to him and asked if I had offended him in any way to which he answered that I hadn’t. I work in the children’s ministry, praise and worship team and in the up and coming dance ministry. I am the only person he treats that way in my teams, he is very involved in lives of the others wanting to know how they are doing with various projects but just shuns me and I just get discouraged every time I am around him or spend some time around him because of this cause it just feels like you are being told without words to ‘go away’ and you are of no importance or consequence or almost like he has something against me. His wife lately has also started treating me that way. I already have been treated with contempt and despised at home and still live in these conditions and there is no where to go or turn to. I go to bed in tears and wake up in tears and just feel so much sorrow and pain from being treated so badly by others especially my spiritual authorities cause I never dreamt they would or could do that and I am just so discouraged Trusting people and being open and vulnerable to people right now just scares the living lights out of me so I have kind of become withdrawn and my self confidence and esteem right now is at the lowest point in my life. I am scared to change church too cause I don’t know where to go and what to expect plus I have been here so long and developed roots and all….feels like being in a bad marriage to me. I need help seriously so I can hold onto my faith.
Olivia I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing such pain in a church and at home, because God’s intended purpose for churches was not to cause pain and emotional abuse. However, I can speak to it, because I have also experienced similar treatment in churches and by Christians. I actually had a pastor do a Simon Peter denial of me as he had done Jesus even though on three separate occasions he ensured me that he would be there for me. He did it multiple times, because I would not extend him any trust initially. Over time I extended him some trust as he earned it. Once he had establish some trust he did me just like Simon Peter and denied me except he was not in the garden he was in my face and acted like he did not know me. He was a hot mess.
First and foremost, I want you to know that God still loves you. Nothing can stop the love that God has for us. Paul said it correctly nothing can separate us from the love of God. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39 NIV
Secondly, I want you to know that the pastor is not God they are just human beings and are subject to make mistakes and sin. You would think that they would act more like God, but it is not always true. They get caught up in life just like everyone else and start spending less and less time with God and you begin to see more flesh than spirit. Take for example King Saul. At first he treated David well only to later pursue him and try to kill him repeatedly until his death.
Lastly, the one scripture that has helped me the most through it all is a portion of Song of Solomon 6:3 NKJV “I am my beloved’s, And my beloved is mine.” Persecution especially persecution in particular emotional abuse in churches and by Christians tries to make you lose your identity. As believers we need to know who we are for ourselves and our identity should not be tied up into anyone else, because people can and do fall short. The moment that they do if our identity is tied into anyone other than God we will stumble and fall.
I saw that you work with the children. I have also worked in children’s church and understand the attachment and responsibility associated with working with young people. I am encouraging you not to fear anything, because God did not give you a spirit of fear, but instead of power and a sound mind. I will stay prayerful for you about your situation. If you research emotional abuse you will find plenty of resources that may be helpful for you. Copyrighted 2013 Renae Mintz
I am sorry to hear about your pain. No one deserves to be treated as inconsequential or with any kind of dishonor. Changing churches may be a short term but not long term fix. I sense a pattern of being dishonored and treated unGodly. This is from satan. And it opens the door to victim hood which signals other predators in the spirit realm. You could do all the right things and still get what you do not deserve, held to a higher standard than others, mistreated by different people causing you to question yourself e.t.c. In such cases most likely a predator spirit is at play. Fixing usually involves revealing when doors were open (mostly by parents, teachers, siblings e.t.c), unGodly coping tact tics (read sinful attitudes or styles) you unkowingly have adopted, revealing and renouncing hidden resentment or bitterness and chasing unGodly sprits in Jesus name. I wish you the best dear. God Bless