Numbers of gifted persons and organizations have studied the phenomenon of the church “back door,” the metaphorical way we describe people leaving the church. And there will always be the anticipated themes of relocation or personal crises. We should recognize those issues, though we can respond to the latter more than the former.
But all the research studies of which I am aware, including my own, return to one major theme to explain the exodus of church members: a sense of some need not being filled. In other words, these members have ideas of what a local congregation should provide for them, and they leave because those provisions have not been met.
Certainly, we recognize there are many legitimate claims by church members of unfulfilled expectations. It can undoubtedly be the fault of the local congregation and its leaders.
But many times, probably more than we would like to believe, a church member leaves a local body because he or she has a sense of entitlement. I would therefore suggest that the main reason people leave a church is because they have an entitlement mentality rather than a servant mentality.
Look at some of the direct quotes from exit interviews of people who left local congregations:
- “The worship leader refused to listen to me about the songs and music I wanted.”
- “The pastor did not feed me.”
- “No one from my church visited me.”
- “I was not about to support the building program they wanted.”
- “I was out two weeks and no one called me.”
- “They moved the times of the worship services and it messed up my schedule.”
- “I told my pastor to go visit my cousin and he never did.”
Please hear me clearly. Church members should expect some level of ministry and concern. But, for a myriad of reasons beyond the scope of this one article, we have turned church membership into country club membership. You pay your dues and you are entitled to certain benefits.
The biblical basis of church membership is clear in Scripture. The Apostle Paul even uses the “member” metaphor to describe what every believer should be like in a local congregation. In 1 Corinthians 12:12-31, Paul describes church members not by what they should receive in a local church, but by the ministry they should give.
The solution to closing the back door, at least a major part of the solution, is therefore to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality. Of course, it is easy for me to write about it, but it is a greater challenge to effect it.
May I then offer a few steps of a more practical nature to help close the back door by changing the membership mentality? Here are five:
- Inform church members. Though I do not have precise numbers, I would conjecture that more than one-half of church members do not have a biblical understanding of church membership. Providing that information in a new members’ class can move an entire congregation toward a servant mentality.
- Raise the bar of expectations. We have dumbed down church membership in many congregations to where it has little meaning. Clarify expectations of members. Again, doing so in the context of a new members’ class is a great way to begin.
- Mentor members. Take two or three members and begin to mentor them to become biblical church members. After a season, ask them to mentor two or three as well. Let the process grow exponentially.
- Train members. Almost 100 percent of pastors agree that their role is to train and equip members. But almost three-fourths of these pastors have no plans on how they will train them (see Ephesians 4:11-13). I will address this issue more fully on my blog next Wednesday.
- Encourage people to be in small groups. Those in Sunday school classes and small groups are more likely to be informed and functioning church members. In other words, there is a much greater likelihood of a member with a servant mentality being in a small group than not.
What are you doing in your church to close the back door? What are you doing to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality?
Posted on January 21, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
More from Thom
588 Comments
Thom,
Great post. A few years ago I read your book “High Expectation Churches” and found it very helpful.
After reading the book we implemented a PRE-membership class where we explain our vision, mission and expectations of membership. That class has effectively closed our back door. In the last 4 years only a handful of members have moved to another church. Your book has helped us to become a healthy church.
Thank You
Scott
Good article, but I think there’s another side to it that’s comfortable to ignore. As ministers, it’s easy for us to point the finger at those who leave, and claim they are wrong. I think entitlement is an issue. At the same time, I think there’s an entitlement that can creep into a leader’s heart that says because they open the doors and have a service, people should never leave. If they do, they are “spiritually immature” and sinful….when maybe our entitlement is adding to it.
It’s seen really well in the Prodigal Son parable…the son that left thought he was entitled, and then when he came back, you found on that the “old faithful” that stayed and was running the place had the same problem, but was manifesting it in a different way. Most notably, though it’s the same problem, coming from two different sources, it doesn’t mix too well. They usually feed off each other, from the leader to the one who stays to the one who leaves, and all are equally susceptible to it. What happens is a leader or the staying member can almost project a set of expectations at all the work someone who left will have to do to achieve equal status again…they haven’t suffered or grovelled enough for us to welcome them back…like the older brother did. That’s not the way the Father reacted when the son returned, and though we don’t have any conversations recorded while the son was away from the Father, I doubt he spoke with disdain of his son while he was gone in staff meetings or at socials. I think that tells a lot.
Much more is caught than taught…if you are an entitled leader or church member, expect to attract the entitled. As you nurture them in that behavior, don’t be surprised when they leave.
Thanks Thom for this insightful article. I’m pastor of a new church and we’re looking to slam the “back door”. We frequently host training for members for spiritual growth and leadership development. This could be a topic we might delve into a bit further. Could you share the statistical analysis and/or research you mention above?
Thanks,
The immorality of members is one of the greatest causes of people leaving any church. Forgiving a child molester, rapist, thief, etc. does not promote morality. The most immoral people on earth think they are forgiven by Jesus for any transgression. People who do not believe in divine forgiveness tend to be more moral. Why would Jesus constantly forgive adultery or stealing? “Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven” has no human morality in the concept.
Lower IQ people tend to be the most religious. Nations with a higher IQ rating tends to be less religious and have a higher standard of living. Except for politicians, the more educated a person is, they more liberal their religious beliefs are. The conservative political churches are driving people away in droves. Leaving politics out of religion makes religion more pure and desirable.
I left the church because I realized it’s all hogwash ancient history.There is no evidence to it’s truth. If “feel it in your heart” is truth, then how do you decipher what’s in your heart apart from what’s in a Jew’s heart or a Muslim’s heart? I wanted to be a better christian. So I cracked open my bible, to read it cover to cover, instead of random chapters. The bible is contradictory, god in it is malevolent and genocidal, it supports slavery and never once retracts, it says women are lesser and one of the most praised “righteous” men, Lot, offers his daughters to be raped instead of his visitors. I really could go on for a very long time. Compare it side by side to the Quran, and it is the same thing.There is no evidence of god and I realized how harmful fairy tales can be when you actually believe them to be true. Most of us were raised christians, but that’s because of our families. Had we been born elsewhere from different parents, we’d be their religion. By time we were adult enough to ask questions, it was too late– Already seems normal and you’ve heard every last apologetic. The church asks people to be willing slaves to a sky lord. Do you know any black person who ever volunteered to be a slave? Or anyone who wanted to move to north korea to serve a dictator? One who will punish you for not loving him back? or working on a sunday? (punishment for breaking sabbath, in the ten commandments, was death…that’s your god? Who will send an evil rapist to heaven for “repenting” and turning his life around but then send me to hell for simply not believing in him, or for “taking his name in vain” or for having sex according to my own will? How is that freewill? That’s: do as I say or be punished. Ask yourself…what reasons have I been given to believe besides feelings? Besides confirmation bias? What questions have I asked that I received unsatisfying answers for? Why is what I believe more knowable than what other religions believe? That’s another reason people leave the church. A phone call isn’t going to do anything unless that phone call has some real evidence to support the beliefs.
Hiya Amanda……..I completely agree with you….you are not alone in these questions that your hearts seeks as mine does too. I struggle, daily, with many things regarding God. I am holding onto a single thread in all of this. One of my questions is, “why did God create all of these wonderful things, and all of these people, if he knew the outcome of it all? Why would he create people just to have all of us go through trials and tribulations….despair and hurts….misery and evil? Why would he create people just to have so many reach heaven….and then many more have to go to hell? Hell….the place where there is gnashing of teeth and no more hope or love….always in darkness and pain….why?”
I don’t know if I will ever find my answer….*sigh* Hope you are well =)
In my experience the reason that people move to another church is because the vision of church has changed from inclusive to exclusive. The minister, in order to establish the church as he envisions it, often excludes some groups in favor of increasing another group of members. The Blend service, as I understand it, is supposed to be inclusive but can end up excluding those who are older and without children to teach them the new format that is being taught only to the very young. Fortunately, the emphasis on small groups by the Methodist Church allows those feeling excluded a chance for support by the church family. In my experience, the concept of small group membership has been the strength of the church when members are feeling excluded. The members are able to support and care for each other in their spiritual and physical development and hopefully do it in a way so they can grow. The example given above sounded very child-like but my guess it was simply a plea for inclusiveness.
Hello again Doc. Saw another blog here and I will make my response short and sweet. I left the church based on your #7 most talked about blog post, which was my first comment on our site here today….PASTORS SALARIES.
Somebody told me once, I should become a preacher because I have my military retirement, run my own fitness business, care about people and I know the most important word that people need is the one word talked about the most in the bible…..LOVE. It’s what Mr. Graham always preached about and even his son Franklin when I volunteered back around 2001-2002 as one of their Adult Counselors when they came to my town.
So, if folks can become preachers without a salary, I will go back or if I don’t, I will start my own church and show the PROPER MODEL of how a pastor can run a church without getting a salary, it can be done…..remember, priests have being doing it for years in the Catholic Church.
The reason I’ve just left my church is that those members “born into it” – ie: their parents, grabdparents- going back, at least six generations, in some cases – see newcomers as a threat, rather than as a refreshing addition to the church.
I took 12 years of hostility, constant critism, sarcasm, and private plus public bullying and humiliation, in a leadership position until I could take no more, which contributed to a mental breakdown, and 4 weeks in a physiciatric ward – where the, mainly, non-Christian, NHS staff behaved towards me in a wonderful caring way that I – rightly – would have hoped from a “Christian” congregation … both newcomers and – especially – those “born into it” who have been more spiritually fed than most people ever will be, having attended almost all their lives!!!
I’m now looking for a church that will welcome newcomers – gently and tactfully involve them, and not overwork and take unfair advantage of their enthusiasm and willing spirit. Also, not be judgemental and critical, as I had been in my last church for over 12 years.
If I can’t find that, then I shall just have no option than to “go to church” annonymously on the internet.
Okay,
I have read a lot of comments here and some are honest but some are simply from pastors
not looking in the mirror.
I’ve been a Christian for about 23 years and served in many capacities. Right now i am in the position
of wondering what the local church is really doing and where i fit without being disgusted at the whole thing.
A little background on church observation. I have served for years in different churches but due to my job have been in different churches at different times and in more than one denomination…meaning i have not stayed in one church for 20 years like some of you. I believe God has used this to teach me a few things about His church (the body of believers) and to carry the burden in prayer.I have lived in America, Africa, Europe and i have observed a few things that has caused pain to a lot of people, myself included.
I have left two churches for different reasons and felt pain in many because of one overwhelming reason. We don’t really love each other. Oh we say we do. “Bless you sister, how are you?” but other than sunday and maybe a weekday, how many people really are in other people’s lives. I’m a minority and have served in many mainstream churches and honestly how do you explain when a welcome committee can never show up in your house, although they oops! showed up in the others that looked just like them? And if they do, how uncomfortable they look!
How do you explain distant politeness but when you ask to go for a cup of coffee with someone they tell you they will get with you but never do but you find out they are mingling with themselves? How do you explain a youth pastor who will not take a minority kid and spent time with him during crisis but will only shoot an email, yet can visit those kids who look just like him? As a minority i write but i see it even among similar races. I think the western culture of wide personal space and individualism plays into this but is this an excuse? We are to weigh everything with the word of God.
You can not fake love and care. People feel it. You can not love people because they fit your image or lifestyle. The rich snubbing the poor (and no I am not poor but i see), the majorities and minorities keeping to themselves etc. Look at your inner crowd and judge your hearts.
Another thing. All these seeker friendly church programs where the seasoned christians are continually fed milk and milk and milk so that the new ones aren’t offended and leave does not sound biblical. Yet a lot of pastors do it, claiming to be “reaching the lost.” To the point of calculating just 10 mins of praise and worship, a light gospel and dismissal. It has to be fun!! Everything deeper is stealth because we want the babies or atheist to be comfortable and see that “we are alright!”. There is no power of God, no fruit, no development. It literally kills the zeal of the mature and we leave.
programs, programs, program, all taught in seminary but no power. Had a friend dying of cancer and no one from a church she attended for 7 years came by other than once with a bouquet of flowers. Until she died then they came to say, “oh she’s in a better place and we brought groceries.”
I live in the south right now. Some people have never ever invited a different race into their homes for fellowship, yet will contribute money for Africa. We see it and we leave or we stay and pray. Yes I am African in America so I observe as a third party looking in. And you wonder why you have country clubs? Who are we mocking?
I looked at my friends funeral and if not for friends she has from her country, the church would have been almost empty. Big churches of 800 or more people, hallelujah it is growing!! But growing into what? Stop pastors and really look at what you have. Most are country clubs.
That’s why people leave. Yes there are drama oriented people but I have met a ton who leave because they are not really loved and because they simply want to grow and that’s an honest need. And they find the true meaning of love when they finally say No to working and working and working, no to what a pastor says because they are uncomfortable or tired, or they find out when crisis comes and the church never had a benevolence fund, never came over except to bring a bouquet of flowers.
Oh and what do we prayer and caring ministers find out while serving all these seeker friendly people? The church is full of stunted growth, people who the devil can flick with a finger and they are down, have no strength, full of illnesses and no fruit of the spirit (no joy, no peace etc) but hey they have been listening to the milk for YEARS. Yet when you bring a solution, someone feels threatened or checks with the tradition of the church or…fill in the blanks.
Aren’t we tired? Thousands of people coming out of seminary every year, fully eloquent, fully trained, bookstores lining every street, a church every few blocks, a gospel we read of power but where is it? So we excuse the absence of power since to find it will require time on our knees and full surrender or oops even the fact that one might need to reassess their ministry calling, by saying God says no, or yes or maybe or one more sermon or an interpretation of scripture that is confusing. And yet intrinsically in the true believer we sense there is more, that something is wrong somewhere.
A lot I wish I would communicate to the leaderships and believers but i think i have said enough for someone who really cares to go to their knees and pray to God fervently and honestly tell God to show them the truth of the gospel, not their denominational truth, not their traditions but straight from the heart of God because right now something feels old.
When you are saved you become a pastor, just don’t read the Bible read the Bible and ask for the wisdom to understand it.
Jesus was anti-religion, Find God in your life and it won’t matter what religion says or does, because you won’t need it. May God Bless you.