Numbers of gifted persons and organizations have studied the phenomenon of the church “back door,” the metaphorical way we describe people leaving the church. And there will always be the anticipated themes of relocation or personal crises. We should recognize those issues, though we can respond to the latter more than the former.
But all the research studies of which I am aware, including my own, return to one major theme to explain the exodus of church members: a sense of some need not being filled. In other words, these members have ideas of what a local congregation should provide for them, and they leave because those provisions have not been met.
Certainly, we recognize there are many legitimate claims by church members of unfulfilled expectations. It can undoubtedly be the fault of the local congregation and its leaders.
But many times, probably more than we would like to believe, a church member leaves a local body because he or she has a sense of entitlement. I would therefore suggest that the main reason people leave a church is because they have an entitlement mentality rather than a servant mentality.
Look at some of the direct quotes from exit interviews of people who left local congregations:
- “The worship leader refused to listen to me about the songs and music I wanted.”
- “The pastor did not feed me.”
- “No one from my church visited me.”
- “I was not about to support the building program they wanted.”
- “I was out two weeks and no one called me.”
- “They moved the times of the worship services and it messed up my schedule.”
- “I told my pastor to go visit my cousin and he never did.”
Please hear me clearly. Church members should expect some level of ministry and concern. But, for a myriad of reasons beyond the scope of this one article, we have turned church membership into country club membership. You pay your dues and you are entitled to certain benefits.
The biblical basis of church membership is clear in Scripture. The Apostle Paul even uses the “member” metaphor to describe what every believer should be like in a local congregation. In 1 Corinthians 12:12-31, Paul describes church members not by what they should receive in a local church, but by the ministry they should give.
The solution to closing the back door, at least a major part of the solution, is therefore to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality. Of course, it is easy for me to write about it, but it is a greater challenge to effect it.
May I then offer a few steps of a more practical nature to help close the back door by changing the membership mentality? Here are five:
- Inform church members. Though I do not have precise numbers, I would conjecture that more than one-half of church members do not have a biblical understanding of church membership. Providing that information in a new members’ class can move an entire congregation toward a servant mentality.
- Raise the bar of expectations. We have dumbed down church membership in many congregations to where it has little meaning. Clarify expectations of members. Again, doing so in the context of a new members’ class is a great way to begin.
- Mentor members. Take two or three members and begin to mentor them to become biblical church members. After a season, ask them to mentor two or three as well. Let the process grow exponentially.
- Train members. Almost 100 percent of pastors agree that their role is to train and equip members. But almost three-fourths of these pastors have no plans on how they will train them (see Ephesians 4:11-13). I will address this issue more fully on my blog next Wednesday.
- Encourage people to be in small groups. Those in Sunday school classes and small groups are more likely to be informed and functioning church members. In other words, there is a much greater likelihood of a member with a servant mentality being in a small group than not.
What are you doing in your church to close the back door? What are you doing to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality?
Posted on January 21, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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588 Comments
The purpose of attending church needs to be first and foremost to praise and worship God and to bring him glory. Keeping this in mind will help to prevent the entitlement mentality. Every ministry position in a church is important from the head pastor to the lighting and sound crew to the custodian who keeps the church clean for the congregation to use. I think that the idea of mentoring new members to help them grow and find a position of ministry is very good as is teaching new members and believers to have a servant mentality. Jesus who is our example came not to be served but to serve others. I think that the church in America needs more of the servant mentality today. Your blog is helping in this area God bless you for starting it.
We need to give more attention to the church we choose to attend, easy to goto the closest, but does it suit our shape in the first place! We take more time in selecting local doctors and mechanics than where we will take our family to worship – unfortunately there are dying churches – choose wisely! –
also I think people expect that the church will instantly supply them with a large group of social friends and events, it is important you have a good friends at your church – but this takes time and effort – step out and invite people for lunch etc, especially as thom states church attendance is less regular. The main reason I have heard people leave church is – “I come most weeks but never see the same person twice and is hard to get to know people”!
Most of the people who say that Church members leave because they have an “entitlement mentality” are usually people who don’t want to have any accountability. They don’t want to make friends or reach out, & look at you with suspicion as if you need to prove yourself. They are already part of an established Church culture with their fake smiles. Welcome to my Church but not in my group.
This happened to me, after a couple of years trying to get involved, in the end i just left quietly. No “exit interview”. Nobody interested when i left.
I’m sorry to say this, but as i see persecution coming to the western world, it will clean up the Church of it’s falsehood. people WILL be forced to stick together or perish.
Good points Michael……I think you are right on.
Scripture talks about a great falling away from the church in the last days, and I believe it will be because of the persecution that you mention. I think it will be the beginning of the seperating of the sheep and the goats prior to the Lords return.
The scenario you describe is very true of a lot of church today since many church’s are in a “Country Club” mindset. Anyone who walks in the door that remotely looks a little odd, is not dressed just right, or their car may need a paint job, may be viewed right off the bat as someone who will probably not fit their “Country Club” criteria, thus litte attention is directed toward these folks, with some members possibly even secretly hoping they don’t come back. This hardly meets Gods expectation of Biblical evangelism, but sadly it does happen.
This can be especially true of the very small rural church’s that were started 125 years ago by two or three families in an area where great- great-grandpa, great uncle Joe, and grandma helped build the original building, and present day male relatives of the original founders still make up the majority of those on the leadership board.
Many times these church’s will experience little growth over a century and can be quite exclusive and very family and relative oriented. Sometimes to the degree that they are actually more of a family gathering place for a weekly reunion than they are a church, making it very difficult from someone outside the clan to make inroads into the church.
That all may be true Hal, but the knife cuts both ways. Now we are flooded with churches who are so much into the ‘dress down’ and water down syndrome, that if someone over 45 years old shows up, well they are just not ‘hip’ enough to come to that church. They are from the old school, and are just tired, old Christians.
The point here is to stop looking at each other. When the new church growth movement came into being, their whole premise (and theology) was to tear down the way church had been done. So while you may be associated with some of the more high society churches, there are equally as many if not more of the ‘Purpose’ churches that commit the same offenses pointed out earlier.
Great ponts David! Very true. …..
I am considering leaving my church due to our church is not being led by our Pastor but by his wife. As time goes by this gets clearer and clearer. Several people have left in the past few years and a few a know have left because of something Pastors wife said or did. As I serve in our church I feel that I am serving the Pastors wife and not God.
Dear pastors pls help me my church but my church no help
My church is undergoing some major transitions right now. There was a huge conflict between the pastor and the church executive committee and now all of the church’s founding members left. I worked as the church’s secretary for a brief time. I worked during the heart of the chaos. Now there are some qualities/habits about my pastor that is starting to really surface. I noticed them before but thought it was due to the conflict at our church. For instance, he micromanages. Anything he gets involved in goes wrong. Because of his controlling nature, this makes it really challenging for leaders to be creative in their innate talents. secondly, he has terrible time management. He expects people to do things in the church at last minute notice. This is now a pattern. He functions this way. He does this with the Sunday morning programs weekly. As the secretary, this puts a lot of pressure greatly affecting my personal and education goals. I deal with people’s attitude, frustrations, and disapproval. Once they speak with the pastor, they act and talk differently. Third, I share a lot of personal issues and concerns with my pastor because of what I was going through at the time. Now I have regrets. What made me most uncomfortable is that he would drag the information out of me then once he has it sends me off my way. Later, the situation is a bigger deal than needed. Fourth, should a pastor compromise a member’s confidentiality? Is his accountability to God a valid reason to share a person’s personal conflicts with others? In the executive committee and outside the committee?
My concern: I am no longer comfortable at this church. I know the Christian lifestyle is not a matter of comfort but my heart is no longer there. I love to be active and get involved in ministries but do not like a restricted environment, a micromanager, or habitual last minute arrangements. The latter interferes a great deal my personal life and others feel the same way.
In the church I attend we have a group of Elder leaders who work as a team in conjunction with the Pastor.
If this were happening in our church I would suggest you take your concerns first to the pastor himself and sit down with him and be frank and honest with him regarding these issues. Talk to him like you would a close friend.
If he blows you off or it becomes obvious that nothing is going to change, or he misuses your conversation in anyway, I would then take your concerns to the Elders. The Elders then can then sit him down for a hear-to-heart and proceed whith him from there.
Could be he just needs a slight personality or attitude adjustment.
There will always be reasons why people will leave a church. The reasons mentioned above are good reasons, but I feel that either there could be more reasons why people leave, or the points mentioned above need to be elaborated somewhat to understand a person’s personal situation more. For me, the reasons why I left the Missouri-Synod Lutheran church my seem personal, but to me they are valid reasons. The church did not feed me, meaning that I did not get anything out of going to church, it was full of back-stabbing gossipers. The members of the congregation were arrogant and judgmental of anyone who did not believe what they believed, yet, the congregation did behave as Christ’s disciples.
Also, because I have relatives and friends who are Jewish and Catholic, it rubbed me the wrong way having to listen to everyone in church condemning people whom I care deeply about. It may be because that is what Lutheran churches believe and teach, but I did not feel that it was for me, so I did have a valid reason for leaving that church. I now go to a Catholic Church, and I believe since Vatican II, they have it in their teachings that they are not condemn or judge others because of their beliefs. Catholics are taught to respect other religions for what they believe to be true. After who are any of us to judge anyone else?
I feel that if there are personal conflicts with people in church, it does not help to get too involved or to make excessive commitments to the church. The reason why I feel this way is because if you serve a church where the members of the congregation don’t respect you or regard you as relevant except for “we need you for _____”. That is how people in a church take advantage of you. So while, it may be a nice gesture to have someone visit me or call me from church, I would rather that it be for reasons of building a TRUE friendship that can be carried out in and out of church, not just find out what I alone can and will give to a church. While I know that we are all supposed to love one another because God loves all of us, anymore, I do not believe that we should be letting people take advantage, or that it makes the church relationships that authentic. It may be just me, but I feel that I am better with small groups where we truly have things in common interests outside of church besides our faith.
I think that if a church has or expects members to serve in the church, it is really important to make sure that each member serving is properly trained (#4) for the job whether it be an usher, choir member, Sunday School teacher, reader, etc, and that it is really something that the people want to do. I think that it is important that people be honest about serving instead of being thrown into the ring. For me, that would be another reason for leaving a church because of being dragged into something that I am either not qualified to do or really do not feel comfortable doing.
While I agree with some of what you are saying….because there are those that do have an entitlement attitude…I do disagree, agreeably, on a lot of it. I have been raised in church…and I have gone to a lot of churches because I have moved…a lot! I have seen a plethora of things going on in the church. We live in a hurting world where people are bombarded with despair, hurts, wounds, issues, trauma, sickness, failures, etc. If someone feels “entitled” to having their pastor be involved in their life then that should be ok. The pastor is the shepherd of their flock and they have been placed in that responsibility of taking care of that flock. The sheep need their shepherd for guidance, support, care, love, safety, truth, compassion, prayer, and to just have someone watch over them. Does leadership get burned out? Yes, they can if the support system is not in place. If the sheep are taken care of, the shepherd is taken care of. The shepherd has wool, food, companionship, community, and a livelihood with his sheep. If his sheep are sick, or stolen by the enemy/wolves, malnourished, or ignored…they will not survive; there will not be sheep. This system is a servant system from both sides. They take care of each other in their own ways. The souls of the pastors people don’t only need salvation…yes, this is important….they need to be nurtured and taken care of on the human level as well. Its like someone posted above….Jesus didn’t come to talk to the well. He came to talk to the sick. He came to the beggars, the poor, the sick, the needy, the distraught, the despaired, the wrong doers, the ones so far in the pit they cant see the light the day…
You mentioned people leave the church “for some need not being filled…” This needs to be elaborated on because what exactly do you mean by “need?” A church isn’t full of those whose cups are already filled. If they are then they wouldn’t need to go to church anymore…or for a long time at least. A church isn’t for those that have reached perfection for that wont happen here on earth….ever! A church isn’t for those that have no issues, traumas, unhappiness, or despairs in life….A church is for the broken hearted….for those that have needs. If someone goes missing for two weeks, and no one notices, there is a problem. If someone gets hurt because no one noticed then they are justified in being hurt. Just a quick phone call to ask if they are ok speaks volumes to people. If someone asks the pastor to call their cousin….then there is probably a good reason. For the pastor to feed them….spiritual food….or even just food….depends on the situation. A church is there to reach out and help their members….if they have a family, or two, that is on the verge of starving should have their church get together and make them meals. If the pastor didn’t visit them…people need to know they are thought of, cared for, loved, and important…especially by their church. You take these examples, and for sake of a short blog, and don’t specify on these examples leaves the door open for all kinds of misconceptions. The leadership has a responsibility….just like the members do. I agree. However, the buck stops with the leadership….that’s why they are in the leadership position. That’s what that means….leadership: the ability to lead others as a direct result of the gifting received from, and performed by the power of, the Holy Spirit. The biblical spiritual leader understands that his/her leadership is one of servanthood. God called them to guide and care for His people…
Now there are a few people that have an entitled attitude, like you were saying, but sometimes that entitlement comes from the leadership not leading. Other times it can come from a self-righteous, hypocritical, arrogant person that thinks the whole world, the church, and God owe them something…but lets make sure we don’t lump these guys with those that are really wanting to be a part of a church that looks out for each other.
Good points, as a self-serving Christian might give reason for leaving a church. However, the article doesn’t reflect on reasons from a devout believer’s departure from a body. There are far too many institutions that conform to fulfilling the social needs of people, preeminent over the called purpose of the Church, the glorification of Jesus Christ through the Good News. Instead of a heart fixed on eternity with an aberration toward earthly delights, there is the juxtaposition of combining earthly pleasures and social pursuits with a biblical overtone, rendering the Purpose Driven manifesto, formally called the Emerging Church. It goes something like this, “Go out in the community and make friends with others, keeping religious metaphors to a minimum. Then bring them to our church family.” Instead of gospel focused church, many have become a social emphasized community. It makes sense from a logical perspective and it works to build numbers in the 1,000’s. However, it is not the method or purpose of the Spirit of Christ, to develop mega-social centers using the banner of Christ as a mascot. Much like a pet sin coveted, these fallacious entities have permeated our communities for a number of years now as the “normal church” of Christendom, while in truth some are a conglomeration of pop psychology, social humanitarianism, and pseudo Christianity. From such, do flee out the back door, for your very soul may depend on it.
I have to say Im not a big fan of going to church. I grew up going to a Wisconsin Synod school and all I heard about was the fire and brimstone side, not exactly welcoming. There was also a great deal of pressure put on us kids to give money and push our parents to give money. Again, not a warm environment , so I grew up with a bad taste in my mouth about church. It is now 30 + years later. I started going back to church because my wife started “convincing” me to go. My attitude at the time was “Its only an hour of the week if it makes her happy” While It still isnt my favorite thing to do I dont have the same apprehensions about going to our church now (ELCA synod) They are very welcoming and warm toward everyone. Our church was destroyed by a tornado late this summer and we have been meeting at various places, but I was impressed how everyone stuck together through it all and find myself more willing to help out and give more time because they all make me feel like a part of it. I realize church is largely based on traditions but the old school “Believe or go to hell” attitude is turning off many.. It did to me early. The churches that realize they may have to change with the times will not only help themselves, but it may help turn the tide of the lack of morals we see in our country these days.
Dear Thom,
Thanks for your very insightful words. They made me think and reflect on my own beliefs as to why a church loses its members. I agree that in many churches there is an “entitlement mentality”. And I do agree that people leave because they arent being served. However, as a 20+ year, every Sunday usher at our United Methodist church, I have to comment that there is a different way to look at the entitlement mentality – and that is from the point of view of relatively new members in conflict with the older members “who were here when the first brick was laid”. They often believe that their longevity entitles them to special benefits that recent members cant expect to receive… ranging from Kitchen privileges to “that’s my pew, please move down”. This attitude, that there are some who are more equal than others, is very alienating and is the cause of a lot of back door escapes. That, and a church that lacks warmth and friendliness. Ive seen many people come and go – and stay – and our church has worked hard to be a welcoming church and to treat everyone with the same level of consideration – whether they were here when the ark settled or just arrived on a different boat. Best regards.
I have a very low tolerance for the “churched”. I surrendered my life to Jesus in 1984. I find the churched to be among the most arrogant, judgmental, ignorant and disrespectful – moreso than everyday people. Arrogant – many times based on degree of biblical knowledge. That is idolatry, and it is unattractive and abusive. Judgmental – critical eyes tend to watch for error, the self-appointed sin police. Ignorant – unknowing people size you up based on their perceived position, and many times perceive themselves as your self-appointed mentor and impose themsleves on you. Disrespectful – Because you only have so much time here on earth, I find that many come to men’s groups and such with their own agenda – to chitchat, to seek “counseling” for pains such as separation and divorce – when we are supposed to be doing a book study, and sometimes they are there just for the food. Yes, I believe in Jesus, but I hate going to church because everytime I do, I feel like I must always be on guard against being molested by some self-appointed do-gooder.
Paul,
I hear what you are saying and I can definitely relate. My own church…..and I would venture to say that every church has the same people you describe as members.
However Paul, all of the situations you describe can be diplomatically and tactfully handled and unfortunately does not hold much water as an excuse to forsake the assembling with believers as God instructs us in His word. I would also venture to say that these same kinds of people existed even within the first church’s established by the disciples. In fact Jesus himself had some encounters with these kinds of folks within the temple.
A wise minister once told me regarding church life…..”Whenever people come together in one place we are going to have to deal with the issues of people being people, unfortunately even in the church”. He went on to say that God in his wisdom instituted the church for many reasons”. Since one purpose of the church is to evangelize the lost , one reason for church life is to teach us to have patience with one another and learn how to deal with all kinds of personalities and situations. Church life is basically a training ground for our Christian development”. Other reasons for the church is to help us to grow in our knowledge of the Word; the church environment gives us opportunities to test our wings regarding our talents in areas of church service. Church life also keeps us connected and encouraged in our faith walk. Remember the coal that is removed from the fire eventually grows cold and goes out.
Yes Paul, unfortunately…..like every other area of life: even God’s church is not exempt from its own share of jerks. But….keep in mind…God instituted the Church for many reasons and the benefits of it far outweigh the downsides of removing ones self from the fellowship of believers.
Kind of like the old commonly used excuse for not attending church; “Well I don’t go to church because the church is full of hypocrites”; and I’m told if I decide to go there will be one more.
And regarding those that come to church and want to unload their problems: remember Paul, the church is a hospital for the sick…….not a hotel for the saints. And don’t be too hard on these folks that need to talk about their problems; you might want to exercise your patience by becoming a better listener, because the day will probably come when you will want to be listened to yourself.
I have come to notice over the years that the vast majority of the people that have these kinds of complaints against God’s church family, and as a result remove themselves out of the church, are themselves very much like the very people they are complaining about.