Numbers of gifted persons and organizations have studied the phenomenon of the church “back door,” the metaphorical way we describe people leaving the church. And there will always be the anticipated themes of relocation or personal crises. We should recognize those issues, though we can respond to the latter more than the former.
But all the research studies of which I am aware, including my own, return to one major theme to explain the exodus of church members: a sense of some need not being filled. In other words, these members have ideas of what a local congregation should provide for them, and they leave because those provisions have not been met.
Certainly, we recognize there are many legitimate claims by church members of unfulfilled expectations. It can undoubtedly be the fault of the local congregation and its leaders.
But many times, probably more than we would like to believe, a church member leaves a local body because he or she has a sense of entitlement. I would therefore suggest that the main reason people leave a church is because they have an entitlement mentality rather than a servant mentality.
Look at some of the direct quotes from exit interviews of people who left local congregations:
- “The worship leader refused to listen to me about the songs and music I wanted.”
- “The pastor did not feed me.”
- “No one from my church visited me.”
- “I was not about to support the building program they wanted.”
- “I was out two weeks and no one called me.”
- “They moved the times of the worship services and it messed up my schedule.”
- “I told my pastor to go visit my cousin and he never did.”
Please hear me clearly. Church members should expect some level of ministry and concern. But, for a myriad of reasons beyond the scope of this one article, we have turned church membership into country club membership. You pay your dues and you are entitled to certain benefits.
The biblical basis of church membership is clear in Scripture. The Apostle Paul even uses the “member” metaphor to describe what every believer should be like in a local congregation. In 1 Corinthians 12:12-31, Paul describes church members not by what they should receive in a local church, but by the ministry they should give.
The solution to closing the back door, at least a major part of the solution, is therefore to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality. Of course, it is easy for me to write about it, but it is a greater challenge to effect it.
May I then offer a few steps of a more practical nature to help close the back door by changing the membership mentality? Here are five:
- Inform church members. Though I do not have precise numbers, I would conjecture that more than one-half of church members do not have a biblical understanding of church membership. Providing that information in a new members’ class can move an entire congregation toward a servant mentality.
- Raise the bar of expectations. We have dumbed down church membership in many congregations to where it has little meaning. Clarify expectations of members. Again, doing so in the context of a new members’ class is a great way to begin.
- Mentor members. Take two or three members and begin to mentor them to become biblical church members. After a season, ask them to mentor two or three as well. Let the process grow exponentially.
- Train members. Almost 100 percent of pastors agree that their role is to train and equip members. But almost three-fourths of these pastors have no plans on how they will train them (see Ephesians 4:11-13). I will address this issue more fully on my blog next Wednesday.
- Encourage people to be in small groups. Those in Sunday school classes and small groups are more likely to be informed and functioning church members. In other words, there is a much greater likelihood of a member with a servant mentality being in a small group than not.
What are you doing in your church to close the back door? What are you doing to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality?
Posted on January 21, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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588 Comments
First, going to church is not a sense of entitlement. True there are those who have the false belief that if you are a church going Christian, you are better than everyone else who is not a church going Christian. Sorry people, in The Lord’s Eyes, we humans are all the same. And he made us in all sizes shapes and colors.
I have been to numerous churches in my lifetime, and the one I am attending now, I am very happy with. I am not as financially well off as majority of the other church members, and there are times when I cannot attend every Sunday. I do what I can to help out with cleaning, yard clean up and other things, and they appreciate it. In fact, one of the church members called me to see if I was okay because I haven’t been seen or heard from for some time. Everyone gets along, and all are welcome. Going to church is a place to worship, reflect, become educated and learn to be humble and appreciative. Not a place of entitlement, or placed on a pedistal. But a community where everyone is equal along with those who for whatever circumstance are un-able to attend.
Our 7 year old daughter came forward to her father and I almost 3 months ago at home stating that she wanted to be saved and baptized. Knowing our daughter and numerous discussions over the past few years, believe she is ready. We asked our pastor to talk to our daughter, pray with her, and make sure of her understanding. We informed the pastor of this request nearly 3 months ago as well………a couple of times he has mentioned in passing that he has “not forgotten.” I don’t think this is an issue of our entitlement as much as it has become the pastor’s. I am questioning his servant mentality. I do not understand why this is being put off. My husband & I do not want to attend this church anymore. How many times do you request this before you realize salvation is not a priority with this pastor? And, would that not indicate a serious problem and support leaving to find another church home? We need some direction here. Thank you.
You have indicated that you have approached the pastor several times. It’s now time to go to the Elders of the church with this issue.
Since saving the lost is, and should be, the main purpose of God’s church, this obviously does not seem to be a priority with this pastor for some reason.
I would definitely take this to the leaders of the church first before deciding to leave the church. It could be that this pastor may simply need a little guidance from the church leadership.
As with you…and in our church as well….this would be totally unacceptable.
I believe that at age 7, a child is still innocent. You need to talk to church leadership about it, but I am not sure why it can’t wait a while. The age of baptism has been creeping downward and it may not be such a good thing.
Give your pastor the benefit of doubt. He might not want to hurt your feelings but might have reservations due to the age. As much as I am all for child dedication I am not sure some people are truly comfortable that a child that age truly understands the meaning of the Christian journey, not really. This is understandable.
There is no rush in these things – you can do a dedication for your child and just let her continue in her christian journey until teenage years.
So, I tell my daughter not to listen to the Holy Spirit working within her about accepting Christ and give the pastor the “benefit of the doubt” that she is too young and needs to wait until her teen years? I think this line of thinking is how leading others to Christ results in stagnation, underdeveloped personal relationships with the Lord, and lends to fewer and fewer people willing to serve.
I appreciate your time in responding. This is not a dedication. It is public Baptism following acceptance of Jesus at home.
I wouldn’t want to judge the motives of a child any more than I would want to judge the motives of a 25 year old or even a 55 year old. It isn’t for any human to judge. Just baptize the child that wants to be baptized. If there is any question in the child’s mind when they are older, maybe they will decide themselves that they need a do-over. But then comes the question, are do-overs even necessary. It almost sounds like a legalistic question. In any case, you live by grace. No harm will come by baptizing the child. If it solidifies her faith at such a young age, then so be it. Trusting the pastor’s judgement is the last thing I would do. Judgement is not their job. A good pastor will tell that themselves. Blessings to you and your daughter.
I find it ironic that so many would sound like the 12 trying to protect Jesus from the children, when in fact Jesus said we would do well to be more like them. Matthew 19:14 – “Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” So, perhaps we should stop trying to protect Jesus and let the children do what they naturally want to do. If the daughter is astute enough to know it is important, then by all means baptize the child. If the pastor is so convicted against it, let dad baptize the child, or even mom for that matter. I’ll rest now. Blessings all.
I fully agree.
All children develop and mature at varying rates. Many seven year old girls may not have the capacity to understand the plan of salvation, however some seven year olds are quite capable of comprehending and understanding their need for a savior. Everyone is different and should be considered on an individual basis and not just lumped into an age catagory. I have personally known of exceptional cases where some seven year olds have more between the ears than some adults.
I say, if the young lady seems to understand and seems sincere….go ahead with the baptism. And then later in her life she may realize on her own that she possibly did not fully understand and request as a teen or older adult to be baptized again, as I have known some to do; which is o.k. and no one benefits any less if this happens.
Was there pressure put on her? I have read about men who were wanting to be deacons/elders and needed baptized children, regardless of their ages, in order to become one. So the pressure was put on the kid to get baptized just so the father could be made deacon/elder.
First of all…..any church that would require a man seeking deacon or elder responsibilities in the church to be the parent of a baptized seven year old is rediculous, not to mention unscriptural.
To all of you who have responded with additional thoughts and considerations for the situation I posed regarding our 7 year old daughter, I would like to thank each and every one of you for taking such time.
Secondly, I need you all to know that I have been one year patient on many, many things that have went on in this congregation. I have analyzed every possible variable, thus, did not respond to some certain responses regarding pressure, age, etc….I need you all to know that outside of this particular situation, I empathize for a living. Meaning, I am a licensed, mental health clinician. Likewise, I have been involved in church since the age of 5 and now, being nearly mid-40’s consider this to some degree, “experience.” I also need those followers to know, in order to ensure you that posing my worries here is not knee-jerk………….I am also two classes away from a doctoral degree in ministry and working on a Phd in business psychology. And please hear me, this is not to say at all that I am “above” anything….just that I have analyzed this considerably.
But, for those following………I tried again to seek answers from the pastor, and unfortunately, was told he needed to pray about it. Do not get me wrong……….I agree, pray. But I do not understand the need to pray to God about truth, especially when a pastor should already know this. I just wanted clarification……some answers. And, for the life of me, here I sit, a week later………no response. Does a pastor really need to pray for answering someone truthfully? Should he not know by now? I mean, how many of us pray to God that we just answer with the truth?
I guess what I read in scripture was that Jesus hung out with the sinners. He was not interested in making every board meeting or being in the ministerial alliance schedule to such extent that he made a 7 year old wait 3 months to talk to her about salvation and baptism. Jesus did not send out congregational wide emails about his Super Bowl party, now being a month back, and opted to put a child on the backburner of his “fellowship” agenda. No, Jesus told the disciples to quit stifling the children and do not be a stumbling block, because in order to enter his kingdom, you might want to pay attention to the hearts of these little ones.
And, maybe this pastor and some of you believe that since she is so young, there is time and it is of no urgency……..but believe me when I say…….I am watching a zeal for Christ in a young child become tainted by this world. I have witnessed to her several times. I have asked the questions, listened to her responses, and witnessed her love………..who would not know her better than I, other than our Lord? Two years ago, her sister came forward (different church) and at that time, I knew she was mimicking something that her sister was genuine about…….but now, it is different. This child is coming forward at a time that has no variables and I am involved with a church/pastor that may or may not get to it after his busy week or 3 months of meetings?
There is a quote by Leonard Ravenhill that is: “If pastors preached sermons then as they do today, Jesus Christ would never have been crucified.” I agree.
I will not apologize for saying that the sole purpose of the church-congregation and pastor-is to lead people to Christ through salvation. Jesus said there will always be the poor, thus some type of mission, and yes, we are to love and help and serve as many as possible along the way, but I have yet to read in God’s Word that we need to put off or procrastinate talking to someone who wants/has accepted Christ. Nope, it’s not there.
I sat in this past worship service listening to our pastor speak on “salvation.” I put this in quotes because it is the first time in a year it is even mentioned, and it is seriously tied to the ministerial board curriculum for area congregation with inviting more people to church. Really? I find that interesting given there is a little girl wondering why you don’t have time to talk to her about receiving Christ and why no one will talk to her about Baptism. I wanted to cry, to scream……….but I can’t. I choke back the tears, reread what Paul says, and try again only to learn……….he doesn’t have time and needs to pray for a “truthful” answer.
Father forgive me if I am amiss. Show me what I am to do, learn, discern from this experience….May those reading prayerfully respond and understand my discouragement and trust that I do not arrive at such expression without considerable cause and understanding of knowing this is opposite of your Word.
I am sorry for having spoken earlier and too quickly, and giving you the impression that your daughter should not be baptized due to her youth. I was trying to be optimistic and put a positive spin to things.
As it is, i think this church is harming you and your family and you do seem like a reasonable man. It might be time to leave the church, as the pastor has dealt quite flippantly with your family.
Also, as a responsibility to the Lord and service to the other church members, this is an issue that needs further action other than just quietly leaving the church.
As described in scripture, you need to take one or two Elder leaders of the church and go visit this pastor regarding this matter. Who knows, it may be discovered through further investigation that this pastor has some kind of philosophical bent regarding baptism that does not line up scripturally and could possibly raise the question as to whether he should even be in the ministry. There could be some underlying reason for his hesitancy in this matter that does not jive with scripture.
To just walk away from this church could be allowing a problem to continue to exist that could hinder the ministry of this flock for years. And by doing this you are not out of line at all. The average flock member sitting in the pews on Sunday morning has every right to go to the leadership in the event they notice something taking place within the church that goes against doctrinal teaching of God’s word.
Take the pastor to the account of Phillip and the Ethiopian Eunich. Phillip explained the scripture that the Ethiopian was reading,( which does not even mention baptism by the way), (which is an indicator that Phillip must have went on to explain baptism to the Ethiopian). And while they were still riding along in the chariot the Ethipoian said…..”Look!, here is water, what hinders me to be baptized??
Good thing this pastor was not sent to the Ethiopian……….
But many times, probably more than we would like to believe, a church member leaves a local body because he or she has a sense of entitlement.
What if you want to serve and have the servant mentality, but the leadership doesn’t want you to serve because someone else with better perceived talent is serving in that position? Is this just another entitlement mentality or is this favoritism on the church’s part? My family left churches in the past and nobody ever contacted us to even see why. No exit interview here. That sounds like entitlement mentality, but actually, our perception was that the church doesn’t have a place for us to serve. There’s no doubt other places to serve, but if that isn’t our skill/talent/passion, why should we serve in some position we are not made to do?
I have noticed in the churches we have attended over the course of our marriage, as we have relocated for my husband’s job… a very common reason to leave the church, amongst those whom were close enough to share with us.
People who want to serve and are brushed aside.
I have watched it happen time and time again. Sometimes it is within reason, for example a brand new believer may not be the right person to mentor. But many times that is not the case.
I have witnessed a lifelong believer, who had actually professional training in out reach evangelism have is spark doused. He had become comfortable in his walk, and hadn’t been involved in outreach. After attending a mens conference, the spark was reignited. When he approached leadership, they didn’t bother to even ask what his expertise was. They just brushed him aside.
I witnessed a woman with a degree in Christian counseling being pushed aside from creating a mentor program without any good reason. The leadership smile and nodded at her, but never gave her the go ahead. Never gave her the support.
I watched a woman with a passion for a particular ministry be told time and time again that they couldn’t do more than 1 activity a month because we don’t want to overload the calendar.
It really breaks a person’s spirit to feel God calling them to serve in a ministry and to be brushed aside. And for some the calling will be so great, that they will leave the church to find one who shares that same desire.
One church requires all potential small group and bible study group leaders to go through some sort of extensive class and vetting to ensure they are equipped to teach, but this is only if it’s an “official church study”. So, they don’t care if you want to start up a group with your friends… then they don’t get involved with whether or not you are qualified. But, if it goes on the church calender you must pass the test.
We were very blessed to attend a church that had a yes policy toward ministry. if you wanted to serve, the answer was yes. if you wanted to start something new (unless it wasn’t biblical) the answer was yes. As long as you were willing to put in the work.
I have watched church leadership micromanage the passions out of service. And those are the people I see leaving.
Church is boring and I don’t have the time to sit next to a bunch of smelly, gossiping, old, babbling idiots. It’s God job to forgive people. Refining God to one building or 1 priest is giving up freewill. Something I will never have time for. If I go to hell for my freewill then God never loved me in the first place.
I don’t know why anyone else ‘decided’ to leave the brick-n-mortar church, just why I did. More than a decade ago, God impressed it on my heart that the church had had the Holy Spirit removed from her due to her many sins. All this was prophesied in God’s Word and God made it abundantly clear to me. Not through any dreams, voices or miracles, quite simply God using His Word alone and in its entirety, opening my spiritual eyes and ears. Nothing has persuaded me since then of a change in God’s command to leave the church.
I agree…….
It used to be when leadership and the congregation were walking close to God that satan had to work hard to worm his way into the church.
Now the church looks much like the world and satan is no longer worming, but running through the front doors of many church’s.
Church’s are accepting more and more the practices of the world and turning a blind eye to God’s Word and open arms to sin.
As a result……God has removed his lampstand from many church’s .
I also know that is why miracles like healing (emotional, psychological and physical) is not going on as well. People like to say God is in the business of healing only with doctors and nurses, like there were no doctors in Jesus time. Also modern medicine is a wonderful thing but people are mostly being patched up than healed, so Jesus wants to continue to make people whole. The same yesterday, today and forever.
From my observation, sin has caused the lack of the supernatural, as well as doubt. To substitute we make it fun. Been in a church where secular music was played. I agree with what you both have written.
There were 7 comments in the article given by those who had left the Church. Three “I’s” Three “Me’s” and one “My” Does that tell you anything? I pastored for 15 years and never worried too much about those who left. Had one couple with a lot of talent in a small Church. They left because of me, but after they left, the entire
Church was better without them.
My apologies for responding to a year old post, but the relevance to my own John 17 studies caught my attention. I know the post is focused on members of the church, but I couldn’t help but wonder about new members or the un-churched who walk through the front doors. I believe those folks come into the church with a need, and they are looking to have that need met. Many of them don’t even understand the language we speak half the time let alone understand the heart of a servant. They will likely be in the ranks of the narcissistic for quite some time, because many un-churched think that’s what the church is all about. It is for this reason that we need to be very careful of the language we use when there are visitors present. As a worship leader, I caught myself using terms like, “Let’s worship!” and finally got in the habit of replacing that with “Let’s Sing!” Besides the fact that newcomers may not have a clue what the word worship actually means, we certainly don’t want to teach them that the term is synonymous with singing. That’s a whole different topic unto itself, but my point here is, we need to watch what we’re saying to them and let newcomers be a little narcissistic for awhile. Blessings!
God Bless You and Your Ministry,I haven’t been to Church in 3 Months ,Nobody has called me or came by to see if everything was okay with me,,when I was coming up that the way we did things at St Paul,,we checked on our members,why haven’t I attended in 3 Months?,well it’s been 3 months to date but more of a concern of whether I want to continue attending as a “member, I was dealing with something a while back that could have used some serious “Prayer”, a visit, or a call from the Church Leaders would have been so “Greatly Appreciated”,, but it has never happened, to date.have I been back? No, I haven’t,I have been a member of that Church before most of these “Leaders” were given their positions, (I Love that Church) I was Baptized there 46 years ago, by the ‘Honorable Pastor Robert L Huff” (God Rest His Soul),,he built that church( they now reside in today), He started out in a “small church 3 streets over”. We celebrated the Church’s 100th Anniversary last year,. Today, the church has a ‘New” pastor (3rd one),”Sweet Young Man”,he’s been with us about a year, early 30’s, single, the thing is,,my Marriage has “Troubles”,I can’t speak with him about it, he is not Married, he doesn’t speak about “Marriage”, he doesn’t even have a “Girlfriend”, he doesn’t speak out of the Book of Romans, , he will start his sermon with a Scripture, but it always ends up,, “Don’t mind People, because they don’t Matter”, I turn on “Joel Olsteen”,,TD Jakes,, but I do miss being at Church but I have considered Leaving.We as members need that Love,Strength, and that Hope, from our Leaders in the Church,and from our Pastor,,and I tell you,I got through that “Storm” with the help from others ,(unfortunately) not my Church Home,and you question do you want to go back? I have been gone all this time,and still “Nothing”, well, at the end of the day I go to Church to Worship the Lord, not for the people, but it’s sad when you know the “People” there,aren’t “concerned” about you, it’s an “Awkward” feeling and it “Hurts”,,God Bless.
This is so sad really. I remember thinking the other day, if i were sick or dead, no one in this church would know or care or who would show up for the funeral. I almost had a panic attack but then i told myself I would be gone anyway and at least I have my family and a few loyal friends.
I however know that i don’t have people in the church because i know that no one really cares. Like you, i have been gone from ministries I was in, and no one called. Yet when i show up again, they want to pray for me and tell me they love me.
Something has gone seriously wrong with the church. We say Church is the place to worship God. I don’t think so, we worship God in spirt and truth and this is anywhere. Church is for the community of believers to gather together, learn from each other, encourage each other, grow together. we are supposed to be a family, a spiritual family.
Maybe it all fell apart when we started building buildings and getting richer.
Solution is found in the bible
Thank you for the open discussion……
Question is Why people leaving the Church? Let take it this way, as a father, Why my son leaving? for that we as parent we have to question ourselves….with Why my son is leaving.What is the reason of his leaving? Am I’m a good role model in the family and so on..we can ask many questions about that….
If we cant value our family members that might be the reason they are leaving…being a Pastors I have learn to value my family members as well as the family of God….
Yes, right on Jeremiah! We love our children and we know that they may leave us to find a better way of doing something and when they find that their parents really do love them, they will return into wide open arms (think prodigal son). The writer of this article sounds like his arms are crossed, unwilling to welcome back those who wander off back into the fold. A missed opportunity due to a hard heart – perhaps the reason they left in the first place.