Numbers of gifted persons and organizations have studied the phenomenon of the church “back door,” the metaphorical way we describe people leaving the church. And there will always be the anticipated themes of relocation or personal crises. We should recognize those issues, though we can respond to the latter more than the former.
But all the research studies of which I am aware, including my own, return to one major theme to explain the exodus of church members: a sense of some need not being filled. In other words, these members have ideas of what a local congregation should provide for them, and they leave because those provisions have not been met.
Certainly, we recognize there are many legitimate claims by church members of unfulfilled expectations. It can undoubtedly be the fault of the local congregation and its leaders.
But many times, probably more than we would like to believe, a church member leaves a local body because he or she has a sense of entitlement. I would therefore suggest that the main reason people leave a church is because they have an entitlement mentality rather than a servant mentality.
Look at some of the direct quotes from exit interviews of people who left local congregations:
- “The worship leader refused to listen to me about the songs and music I wanted.”
- “The pastor did not feed me.”
- “No one from my church visited me.”
- “I was not about to support the building program they wanted.”
- “I was out two weeks and no one called me.”
- “They moved the times of the worship services and it messed up my schedule.”
- “I told my pastor to go visit my cousin and he never did.”
Please hear me clearly. Church members should expect some level of ministry and concern. But, for a myriad of reasons beyond the scope of this one article, we have turned church membership into country club membership. You pay your dues and you are entitled to certain benefits.
The biblical basis of church membership is clear in Scripture. The Apostle Paul even uses the “member” metaphor to describe what every believer should be like in a local congregation. In 1 Corinthians 12:12-31, Paul describes church members not by what they should receive in a local church, but by the ministry they should give.
The solution to closing the back door, at least a major part of the solution, is therefore to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality. Of course, it is easy for me to write about it, but it is a greater challenge to effect it.
May I then offer a few steps of a more practical nature to help close the back door by changing the membership mentality? Here are five:
- Inform church members. Though I do not have precise numbers, I would conjecture that more than one-half of church members do not have a biblical understanding of church membership. Providing that information in a new members’ class can move an entire congregation toward a servant mentality.
- Raise the bar of expectations. We have dumbed down church membership in many congregations to where it has little meaning. Clarify expectations of members. Again, doing so in the context of a new members’ class is a great way to begin.
- Mentor members. Take two or three members and begin to mentor them to become biblical church members. After a season, ask them to mentor two or three as well. Let the process grow exponentially.
- Train members. Almost 100 percent of pastors agree that their role is to train and equip members. But almost three-fourths of these pastors have no plans on how they will train them (see Ephesians 4:11-13). I will address this issue more fully on my blog next Wednesday.
- Encourage people to be in small groups. Those in Sunday school classes and small groups are more likely to be informed and functioning church members. In other words, there is a much greater likelihood of a member with a servant mentality being in a small group than not.
What are you doing in your church to close the back door? What are you doing to move members from an entitlement mentality to a servant mentality?
Posted on January 21, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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588 Comments
I think that the majority of the time….this is the case. However, it was not the reasoning for our family. We left the church we had been attending for almost 3 years because of the blatant hypocrisy being preached. It wasn’t the Gospel. It was a gospel bent around the Pastor’s political beliefs. It literally made me sick to my stomach. I know that this is prevalent in our churches today and it has no place there.
I will agree with the majority here though that leadership is the key. Empowering your leaders to create more leaders. Discipleship! Too many churches are just a social group for like minded people. It’s all about them and their preferences. When in reality the church is to help seek and save what is lost. It’s a hospital for the sick. Only difference is when the sick get back on their feet they desire to extend the same grace and mercy that was shown to them to other people looking to be healed and set free. That’s how you build Kingdom minded churches.
Elizabeth –
You are correct. There are many other reasons beyond my stated reason in this blog. And your reason is certainly valid. Thank you for your faithfulness.
I know God he has to be the main in ur churches .
Well. I warned you sir. I shall pray that your tie become crinkled.
I find it funny that no one comes on and says, I left a church once because I was a selfish jerk. So, I will. I left a church once because I was a selfish jerk. Years later and now people leave the church I lead. Sometimes, it’s because they are selfish. Sometimes it is because a mistake made in the leadership (including, but not limited to my many mistakes). But I’m learning from Bonhoeffer that a person’s wish dream of the church has to be destroyed by the grace of God. I’m learning that we have to love the church with all our faults and stupid decisions instead of loving our ideal of church. As I understand this more and more, I realize that the 1,000s of mistakes we make as a church, within church leadership and within the body of Christ as individuals reveals how desparately we all need Jesus Christ.
I’d be interested in posters who have left churches in the past and who now say, “Yeah, that one was totally understandable, but still, it was on me.” I’ve been there. But I haven’t found (or lead) an adequate–much less perfect–church yet. Thing is, I gave up looking for that. Now, I’d like to sing and pray. Hear some Word. Throw myself at the foot of the cross–especially each time I find myself thinking I’m better than someone else, that I have a better theology or understanding of the Bible or whatever. Lord, help us all.
Jay –
Your response humbled me and convicted me. Your words demonstrated both transparency and humility. Thank you for being my teacher today.
That is the fundamental problem right there. What I have found in the world is most of the time when someone makes a mistake or behaves badly they take responsibility for that their mistakes/behaviors/strongholds and then they try to fix it. I should also note that most of the people that I spend time with are also well-adjusted. However, what I have found in the church is people make excuses for their mistakes/strongholds/behaviors and then say there is nothing they can do about it until God changes them. You just have to accept them just as they are because of God’s grace. It is time for the body of Christ to grow up and stop trying to abuse and hide behind the grace of God.
There is a way which seems right to a man and appears straight before him, but at the end of it is the way of death. (AMP) Proverbs 14:12
http:/www.batteredsheep.com/ There are many many more.
Thanks Phoebe
Great post, Thom! The church (the people of God, not the buildings) live in a consumer-driven culture. Unfortunately, we have absorbed that paradigm, uncontested, as true. Thus, our behaviors follow the pattern of a consumer even with our church involvement. As you point out, the only antidote to this culture is through a deeper understanding of God’s plan for His church, as made clear in Scripture. Of course, we don’t see the Bible calling us to be God’s “consumers” but servants of God and each other. Our focus needs to turn outward (servanthood), rather than remain inward (what have you done for me lately?).
Pax,
Joel Lund
Thanks Joel!
I switched to a new church, same denomination, nearer my home, and volunteered for the Evangelization Committee and the Personnel Committee. There had been a call for volunteers for the latter during service, and my many years of hiring and managing seemed to make me a good match.
I got no responses, no interest in my serving.
I switched back to my old church.
Lack of feeding a servant can cause that servant to leave the congregation (local church). Many years ago I was a member of a small (about 30 members) American Bapist Church in the California desert. I was Chairman of the Deacon Board, Church Treasurer, and teacher of the adult sunday school. About a year after we had hired a new pastor, I realized that my roll was all input and not being fed at all. The pastor was not preaching sermons that spoke to my needs or the needs of my family. As a result I started a search for a new church home. I visited about half of the churches in town — I even enjoyed a couple of months of services with the local Church of Christ congregation, but could not stay with them because of doctrine. Eventually, we moved our membership to the local Southern Bapist Church, with a membership of over 500 people. The pastors there fed us spiritually, and I eventually became one of the adult sunday school teachers and shortly before moving from the area became a deacon at that church.
I know it’s been a while since your post, but I’m curious. What was it about the church of Christ doctrine that you could not accept?
The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse; Recognising and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church by D. Johnson and J Vanvoderen.
If you google ‘spiritual abuse’ there are hundreds of sites on the subject with explanation.
This is why people are leaving churches. Abuse.
Excellent response! IMHO … the list in the original article is far too general and very limited as to why people leave organized religion and their suggestion of possible solutions, although I can agree Thom has a heart that seeks to rectify …. May Father empower him according to HIS will and purpose.
Truly Spiritual Abuse is one of numerous reasons and a major one. Back in the 1980’s, “The Shepherding Movement” was prevalent, for example, (why I was led out). Those who started this movement have repented openly, via Charisma Magazine.
Many who ‘go to church’, do so looking to ‘hear from God’ or because someone tells them, ‘come to our church, we have a great out reach ministry, or come to my church we have a worship worship service, or Sunday School, or…… whatever it is the person inviting them likes best about their Church. I would suggest if he does not do so, that Thom would find out the ‘expectations’ and encourage those who are a part of their ‘church family’ to do the same and possibly use that as a starting point.
Many begin going because they are have dysfunctional ways of being and thinking and are in need of having the spirit of their minds renewed and some ‘assume’ they are ‘suppose’ to go to ‘find God’ or ‘to get saved’, or ‘to learn the bible’ or because to do so is what you do to be saved, ect ect ect. There are as many ‘assumptions’ as their are people.
When those in Leadership abuse their role, (either as wolves in sheep’s clothing, or due to deception), they leave behind many who say they will never go to Church again. Let us never say never because Bless You Father, Jesus is the Author and Perfecter of our Faith and the Holy Spirit is our Teacher and Father has an unfolding plan.
Many who do not ‘attend’ Church have servants hearts and the Holy Spirit within them is moving in loving ways through them to reach those in the “Market Place”, (as Ministers of Reconciliation) crossing their paths with the ‘family of God’. Such ones are growing under Father’s gentle hand one on one, as they are conformed into the Image and Likeness of His Son and are empowered/equipped with His Spirit of Truth… they are seeking to Love as they would be loved, they are seeking the Spirit of God to Teach them and empower them, they no longer look to man or an ‘institution’ which is full of inherited traditions of men; many of which go unquestioned, due to preconditioning.
Some who have been abused now move with the gift of healing. Some have the gift of spiritual discernment operating through them and through the Holy Spirit as their Teacher, are empowered to expose false Teachings. Some of them are a vital part of their community feeding and clothing and visiting those in need, praying as moved, without having to be taught ‘of men’ to do so, they have a Pastor’s heart (Or Teacher, Evangelist, Apostolic, or Prophetic Heart) and are moved by motivational gifts without having to be ‘trained of men’ or having to have an “Official Title” or the Financial support of men to do so.
Father led them out ‘of the back door’ because some ‘Churches’ are teaching “religion” and dead works putting burdens on the people they were called to equip, because their Leaders are blind to the reality they themselves serve with a “Pharisaical Spirit” and in the doing have not entered into the Kingdom of God nor are they encouraging others to enter into HIS rest; too often they leave them feeling ‘condemned or heavy in heart for they can’t ‘do enough’ to please Father. Such a one often feels ‘disconnected’ from their ‘head’ Christ. In such cases the body of Christ is not built up but torn apart.
“He also gave apostles, prophets, missionaries, as well as pastors and teachers as gifts to his church. Their purpose is to prepare God’s people to serve and to build up the body of Christ. This is to continue until all of us are united in our faith and in our knowledge about God’s Son, until we become mature, until we measure up to Christ, who is the standard. Then we will no longer be little children, tossed and carried about by all kinds of teachings that change like the wind. We will no longer be influenced by people who use cunning and clever strategies to lead us astray. Instead, as we lovingly speak the truth, we will grow up completely in our relationship to Christ, who is the head. He makes the whole body fit together and unites it through the support of every joint. As each and every part does its job, he makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.”
Excellent response! IMHO … the list in the original article is far too general and very limited as to why people leave organized religion and their suggestion of possible solutions, although I can agree Brother Thom has a heart that seeks to rectify …. May Father empower him according to HIS will and purpose.
Truly Spiritual Abuse is one of numerous reasons and a major one. Back in the 1980′s, “The Shepherding Movement” was prevalent, for example, (why I was led out). Those who started this movement have repented openly, via Charisma Magazine.
Many who ‘go to church’, do so looking to ‘hear from God’ or because someone tells them, ‘come to our church, we have a great out reach ministry, or come to my church we have a wonderful worship service, or fantastic Sunday School, Youth Group or…… whatever it is the person inviting them likes best about their Church. I would suggest if he does not do so, that BrotherThom would find out the ‘expectations’ of their visitors and encourage those who are a part of their ‘church family’ to do the same and possibly use that as a starting point.
It has been my observation over the past 50 years many begin going to a church (not even sure which is the right one if they were not raised in church or already have the habit to do so) because they are have dysfunctional ways of being and thinking and are in need of having the spirit of their minds renewed and as seekers go to church for help initially and some ‘assume’ they are ‘suppose’ to go to ‘find God’ or ‘to get saved’, or ‘to learn the bible’ or because to do so is what you are suppose to do to be saved, ect ect ect. far to many reasons to ever be listed. There are as many ‘assumptions’ as their are people.
When those in Leadership abuse their role, (either due to deception or as wolves in sheep’s clothing), they leave behind many wounded who say they will never go to Church again. Let us never say never because Bless You Father, Jesus is the Author and Perfecter of our Faith and the Holy Spirit is our Teacher and Father has an unfolding plan whereby He keeps us in the faith as the ‘church who is a living spiritual organism’, even those who do not measure up to the standard the “American Church System” projects is the ‘right one’, to the ‘world’.
It has been my observation many who do NOT ‘attend’ Church have servants hearts… the Holy Spirit within them is moving in loving ways through them to reach those in the “Market Place”, (as Ministers of Reconciliation) crossing their paths with the ‘family of God’ for fellowship in the Spirit, (outside of a church environment). Such ones are growing under Father’s gentle hand one on one, as they are conformed into the Image and Likeness of His Son and are empowered/equipped with His Spirit of Truth… they are seeking to Love as they would be loved, they are seeking the Spirit of God to Teach them and empower them, they no longer look to man or an ‘institution’ which is full of inherited traditions of men; many of which go unquestioned, due to preconditioning … many of which teach ‘theory’ and/or ‘doctrines’, which have become corrupt and leave those who are seekers confused, hence another reason they leave seeking His Truth for themselves elsewhere. Truly the face of the Church is changing, it is becoming more Christ like: http://www.enterrest.com/Gods_Vision_For_His_Church.htm
Some who have been abused, now move with the gift of healing having been healed. Some have the gift of spiritual discernment operating through them and through the Holy Spirit as their Teacher, are empowered to expose false Teachings. Some of them are a maturing vital part of their community feeding and clothing and visiting those in need, praying as moved, without having to be taught ‘of men’ to do so; they have a Pastor’s Heart (Or Teacher, Evangelist, Apostolic, or Prophetic Heart) and are moved by motivational gifts without having to be ‘trained of men’ or having to have an “Official Title” or the Financial support of men to do so, because Christ as their Head, is operating through them as the part of the ‘body’ they are connected to.
In some cases, Father led them out ‘of the back door’ because some ‘Churches’ are teaching “religion” and dead works (seeking to earn Fathers unconditional love), putting burdens on the people they were called to equip, because their Leaders are blind to the reality they themselves serve with a “Pharisaical Spirit” and in the doing have not entered into the Kingdom of God nor are they encouraging others to enter into HIS rest; too often they leave them feeling ‘condemned’ or heavy in heart for they can’t ‘do enough’ to please Father. Such a one often feels ‘disconnected’ from their ‘head’ Christ. In such cases the body of Christ is not built up but torn apart.
Some in Leadership forget it is Christ who makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. They see their role more important than need be, forgetting ALL are servants of Christ through Christ within…. this does NOT seem to be the case with Bro Thom …. thus I rejoice with our Father that he is seeking HIS wisdom. My prayer for him is he has a listening heart and encourages the family of God he is connected to to have the same, lest they get caught up in ‘working’ for God rather than serving as the Bride of Christ:
http://www.enterrest.com/Receiving_A_Listening_Heart.htm
“He also gave apostles, prophets, missionaries, as well as pastors and teachers as gifts to his church. Their purpose is to prepare God’s people to serve and to build up the body of Christ. This is to continue until all of us are united in our faith and in our knowledge about God’s Son, until we become mature, until we measure up to Christ, who is the standard. Then we will no longer be little children, tossed and carried about by all kinds of teachings that change like the wind. We will no longer be influenced by people who use cunning and clever strategies to lead us astray. Instead, as we lovingly speak the truth, we will grow up completely in our relationship to Christ, who is the head. He makes the whole body fit together and unites it through the support of every joint. As each and every part does its job, he makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.”
well said. when you hear in the news about children being molested by priest, or a 19 year old being kicked to death by pastor, mother, sister, and we are told we shouldn’t go to the police? really? these, i know, are unfortunate extremes, but, there are other levels of abuse in church like sexual harrassement or bullying the has left bruises on my young son’s back and i’m told to “just pray for them” or forgive them. when i has addresse the latter problem the person said to me “well, why was he down there”? get lost!
the other things are: stop treating people in church like projects where as soon as you think they have measured up to YOUR expectations you drop them like a hot potato to move on to your next mark.
women who go to church without their husbands do not have leprosy, but still have
gifts they’d like to use.
get rid of the cliques. you are not “all that.”
stop manipulating people to get what you want. manipution is witchcraft.
if you as a pastor have commited adultery and married your cheat you don’t need to be preaching and telling others how to live a Godly life.
you on pesdastles. you may not help being up there, but my question is-why are you still up there.
arrogance! the reason why this is in the church is because no one thinkes they need to go to the person they hurt to say “i’m sorry, forgive me.” thus the body of Christ cannot be healed.
and when i’m told, because i don’t go to church, that i have no value and anything i have to share is not important and they don’t want to hear why i don’t go, forget it
Interesting comment about the pastor committing adultery. Sadly, most churches wink at sin, give a pastor a six week paid leave of absence and then reinstate him as if nothing’s wrong. For those of us who don’t agree with that, we’re told how unloving, unforgiving and hateful we are when nothing could be further from the truth. Some sins disqualify a man from serving in the ministry and sexual sins are at the top of the list as far as I’m concerned.
The poor church member who takes such verses such I Tim 3 seriously as to qualifications for an elder are run out of the church for holding to them. It’s truly sad how sin is winked at and those of us who don’t support it are the bad guy, not the one who has sinned.